Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Just last night he told you he wasn’t going to message you any more as there was no point talking unless he got his own way. He’s incapable of just leaving you alone and getting on with his life. I agree don’t look at his messages and no communication at all with him.

These are all things that make HIS life better. Either directly or because they reduce the level of his kids bothering him. The things in his Fantasy Dream Boyfriend list were to please you. He didn't do those (or only very briefly) because he didn't want to. He still sees wearing your resistance down as the fastest route to getting his own best life back.

It’s so easy to make promises.

I actually decided, near the end of my relationship with one of these men, to measure his performance against his promises. I got his to agree to two basic things. I worked in a school and so I thought, ok, it’s half term, there’s six weeks until the next holiday, let’s see how far he gets towards meeting the two targets he’s committed to by then.

Reader, by the next holiday he had not moved one single inch towards those targets.

When I pointed that out to him, he denied one completely and altered the goal posts on the other, making it about something completely irrelevant to my primary complaint.

it is SO easy to make promises.

👌 exactly. He's desperate. Not surprised with the life OP provided him with. Absolute love bombing to get foot back in the door. 🤮
The only good thing he did was leave when you asked him. As an onlooker that wasn't a given. People like that can make it VERY difficult so that was a mercy. NEVER let him back in. He DOESN'T love you. He only loves himself.

I could cry. I was so hoping he’d broken the mould, not continued with the script and @PithyBeaker was able to get on with her life. Should have known better 😢

The mother is unsurprising though as (IME) once they see the buggers heading back towards them and not being someone else’s responsibility they will get out the thumbscrews and all the paraphernalia out to get you to take them back.

Personally I think keeping communication open is doing you no favours as he is just not listening to a word you’re saying and is treating it like a kind of fuzzy white noise to punctuate the gaps between his working on you 😞 Whilst you are responding you are still on the hook.

Damn but I had really hoped he’d stopped 😞

He is only interested in one thing @PithyBeaker to move back in, so his he and his children’s needs are met. He is a parasite an organism that lives in close association with its host at the host's expense, eventually resulting in the death of the host. He isn’t bringing you gifts / promising to change or deliberately screwing with your mind to destroy your mental health out of love. His goal is to bring you to your knees so you don’t have the strength or mental capacity to stop him moving back in and taking over your home! He doesn’t care or love you or your son, only himself and he wants your assets for himself and his children!

It's like a set of Key Performance Indicators or a star chart and the reward is he gets in the end is to live in your house. Not to be your partner.

There are no questions about what you actually want or even any acknowledgement that maybe he should step back and reflect on what he's done.

If he can get you to think you are damaged goods and no one else will take you because you are 'that bad', then he will be only one who will be kind enough/love you enough to rescue you from a lonely, empty life void of love and connection🤬
By breaking you down, he's creating a role for himself as your saviour- (to get back into your house with his kids).
He's playing nasty mind games to get what he wants.
Detach. Completely.

You have a whole new actually healthy and happy life beyond this. You just need to leave him behind now.

Nowhere in his list of things he will do or improve, does he mention your son. Does he ever say anything about him or is it just his kids?

For him access = success.

Well OP, I must say he is delivering an Oscar worthy performance this time! 👏 Bravo to the desperate toxic male in the flat. He should take a bow! 👏

He is like a drug: he will have you hooked to the chemical highs and lows and you will suffer withdrawals and long for the good times. But he is bad for you and will ultimately destroy you if you let him. 😔

You need to stop being so accommodating, get rid of his crap from your house, get your phone, and block that cock! 💯

Release yourself from this Hobosexual! @PithyBeaker

nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to stay.

What is he actually doing now to sort himself out and build the behaviours needed to be a real partner?

he is doing plenty to sort out the flat. New bathroom, new loft bed for himself, new storage.

What is he doing to sort himself out? That doesn't mean his physical space. He has to do that because he has 4 people in a 1 bedroom place. It's his mental and emotional space. Himself. What is he doing to be a more functional person? What is he doing to be a more present parent instead of gaming and letting his kids run wild? Does he have chore lists and activities organized and has he taken them in hand so they're not tearing up his small place and leaving a shit stained toilet? What skills has he taken up to make their lives better and teach them? What insights has he had as to how he truly failed you as a partner by letting he and his kids bring chaos to your home? Does he see his lack of structure for himself and his kids as an issue and what is he doing to work on that?

His answer to all that is to try to harass you into he and his kids moving back in. It isn't to go to therapy himself to do some deep reflection and self examination and set some goals for himself and as a parent. It's to break you down. That should frighten you. This guy doesn't give one shit about your son and what you being miserable and triggered could do to him. He wants you stressed and off balance and vulnerable so you let him back into your home. He's a cuckoo.

You're playing his game and it's time to exit the game.

I can’t believe he’s making the breakdown of your relationship YOUR fault.
He’s shown no insight into his part. Just grim behaviour.

Is it just me or did he use chatgpt to write out a list of the way he will change? Using OP:s messages as prompt of changes needed to be made.

Seriously, he knew all this before but wasn't motivated to change before he lost the house.

He failed to mention how he will start parenting his kids and teaching them not to trash people’s houses, or not call you a cunt when he doesn’t get his own way…..or is that a figment of your imagination and supposed PTSD @PithyBeaker

this is a cringy list of things he thinks he has to do to move back in - it’s not an acknowledgment of past wrongdoing and failures. Actually would give me a massive ick reading that.

I would hate that list - even if he did it because it would make me feel like he didn’t want to do those things, they didn’t come naturally ( which they should). I’d feel controlling and demanding if he wrote that ( which you are not), I wonder if he is cleverly trying to make you feel that way by this list! If my boyfriend had to list that he would hold my hand that would make me v sad.

@PithyBeaker why don’t you block him? What is stopping you?
His first reaction was to tell you he might consider you for casual sex when he moved out.
That was the real reaction. That is who he is.

His answer to all that is to try to harass you into he and his kids moving back in.

This ☝️ nails it 💯 the spud nails it again 👏

Whats that old saying? The best form of defense is attack?
Time to stop playing his game, bow out, and use the grey rock method. Your sanity will thank you in the long run. @PithyBeaker

Thinking about how hard he is trying to get back into your home, you can also reframe this as evidence that you are, in fact, quite the catch.

Three-bedroom house, stable job, financially secure, capable of parenting stepchildren, emotionally functional enough to maintain boundaries, and apparently keeping both the house and yourself looking lovely while doing it.

He wouldn't be making all this effort if he thought you were worthless.

If he genuinely believed he could do better he would just… go and do better.

He underestimated your value until he lost it.

And thus you are worth a price beyond diamonds.

I love this so much - spot on!!

Four bed actually 😎🫣

and thank you, I needed to hear this. He tried to send me 30 messages overnight (all deleted) and tried to call already this morning.

Oh dear, that doesn't sound... healthy 😟

Could he have been drinking?

Jesus. That’s harassment. Dread to think what they said if they were deleted.

Keep safe Pithy, he is a nasty man. Can you ask a male relative or friend to tell him to back off? This type is usually physically quite cowardly in my experience, and won't want to risk a physical interaction with another bloke. He's got no respect for you. What he is doing is harrassment.

@PithyBeaker People with PTSD are especially susceptible to trauma bonding or manipulation.

Without going no contact you will never recover and could easily get pulled back in.

Do not doubt yourself, he's trying to grind you down

On some level I suspect you may even be questioning if you did the right thing, because after all, he is trying so hard, promising so much, which, in your mind, could mean, he really must love me and you are so deeply invested still.

It is not love, it's pure manipulation.

Part of the difficulty may be, is you still love him, you were prepared to continue the relationship but without him and his kids treating you, your son and your home with zero respect.

He is still not respecting your boundaries, he is harassing you, trying to overwhelm and break you down to accede to his wishes

For you to heal and move forward, no contact is the only way you will recover, which is easy for others to say when you're feeling lonely, vulnerable and unsure, probably even more so when your son is away at his Dad's and you're left replaying everything over and over.

You are so very brave to have come this far, you are, after all, only ~six weeks on from setting your boundaries but remind yourself of your first post on your original thread.

Trust yourself, not him.

Good luck @PithyBeaker we are all rooting for you 🌻