Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

You’ve done really well, and like a Pp has said you’ve been more gracious and caring towards him throughout this process than he deserves.

You can be happy alone - you have already felt better from only one day of not reading his messages. Things can only get better from here. And once you are happy alone it’s entirely possible you could meet someone else (who isn’t a twat).

It’s very confusing though bc he gives me all the lip service that he does understand my POV, he behaved badly, he would never be like that again.

Has he ever actually been specific about how he behaved badly or what exactly he would never do again? I imagine he only ever gives sweeping statements instead of itemised lists. The latter would actually take some real introspection and acknowledgement of all the ways he let you down.

It would also allow @PithyBeaker to easily debunk his claim that he didn’t know about these things at the time.

He’s a liar. Either just to her, or to them both. It doesn’t really matter which.

Not the old bottle of perfume one.
God, it’s boring.
He knows what he’s done.
One thing I will say is these things were easier before we had phones. Yes, someone could ring your house phone, turn up or write a letter but there wasn’t this assault via DM.
If someone had PTSD the WORST thing you can do to them is overwhelm them when upset.
Im going to repeat myself - he doesn’t love you.
He loves himself.
Every single woman in your position who has let the man back sees a deterioration straight away. He thinks - well, I can do what I want now.
Please, please block him.
Get rid of his stuff and block him.
Muting messages etc just puts off the inevitable.
For him access = success.
It is that simple.
Yes it’s tough but it’s the only way.

I think the next stage will be grief @PithyBeaker . For what was, what wasn't, what could have been. I think as soon as he has understood that there is no way that you will let him or the kids back in your house he will back off. Unfortunately he sees your house as part of the package with being in couple with you and you deserve to be with someone for whom you- the person- is enough.

I am letting it go. I’m done. I didn’t look at his messages today and felt so much lighter. Yesterday was awful, like a dark cloud

I think that's good, realising that the contact is weighing you down.

It's easy for us to say what we think you should & shouldn't do, but we're not the ones who have to do it.

Even if we have been through it, we still don't have the same history, feelings & personality as the OP.

Ultimately we all come to realisations & take action at different paces.

He has actually done this. I could find the message but it’s somewhere buried in my (hundreds of) messages from him. Oh I found it. Here:

”I will cook more meals, do more shopping and plan meals, take the bins out, clean the house, plan weekends out with and without the kids, take you on weekly dates, compliment you every day, kiss you every day, go to bed with you at the same time. Hold your hand when we walk. I’ll buy you gifts and go on adventures with you. I’ll bring you coffee every morning.”

If he cared for/loved you he would be focusing on sorting his life out and having a relationship with you that didn’t involve living with you at least at the moment.
Clearly all he cares about is getting back in the house.

i hope you have someone in your life that can support you.

Tbf this is what he’s doing. The problem is the PTSD narrative and the belief he will eventually win me round to living together again - with all the kids. Which I have been crystal clear isn’t happening.

He’s like a dog with a bone at the minute. You’ll have to be much clearer with him, it’s much easier to move back in with you than sort his life/find a new woman, so you can see why.

maybe they should move in with his mum.

He really is awful.
You’re still giving him the power to abuse you. Block him and take back the control. He’s not going to see your point of view and you’re tying yourself in knots trying to explain it. He’s an abusive arsehole and he’s in your head. Think how much better you feel today not reading his comments. Think how much better you’ll feel when he’s not able to even send them to you.

In other words, his claim of ignorance of what you were asking for is a complete and utter lie.

I’d be tempted at this point to just close him down - let him know that you’ve made your decision and it is absolutely final, he is not to message you any more. (And make arrangements for his stuff to be returned, if you still have it). He thinks you are weak and can be worn down, which shows he has no respect for you and doesn’t really care what you feel - his priority is getting his cushy old life back for him and his disrespectful kids. You are merely an impediment to this.

”I will cook more meals, do more shopping and plan meals, take the bins out, clean the house, plan weekends out with and without the kids, take you on weekly dates, compliment you every day, kiss you every day, go to bed with you at the same time. Hold your hand when we walk. I’ll buy you gifts and go on adventures with you. I’ll bring you coffee every morning.”

This is quite the list of promises that he doesn't show any signs of ever fulfilling. What is he actually doing now to sort himself out and build the behaviours needed to be a real partner?

What is he actually doing now to sort himself out and build the behaviours needed to be a real partner?

he is doing plenty to sort out the flat. New bathroom, new loft bed for himself, new storage. As for behaviours, there’s the PTSD narrative, the misplaced belief he’ll eventually win me round, the constant badgering and hounding to dissect and discuss our relationship…. 🫩🫩🫩

Yes, but no. That’s a list of performance he thinks he needs to meet. Performance which he’s had multiple opportunities to do. If he can behave better, why did he choose to behave so badly before!?

Good behaviour should arise naturally out of affection and relationship.

Yes!!!!!! I don’t want him to do those things because I’ve held his toes to the fire to do them. Bingo.

I would remind him you don’t have a relationship because he chose to end it.
He chose to behave badly while he lived with you.

Now you are doing some choosing- to prioritise yourself and your son.

I'm sorry op. These types really are exhausting aren't they? They're also all pretty dull and predictable though , they may individually cycle the abuse in a slightly different way but there's generally a 99% chance that you can guess what they'll do next. After the pathetic begging and false promises you usually get the anger , he'll wear himself out eventually but don't wait for that to happen. Just stop watching him perform and get on with your life.

Yes it’s just love bombing in a desperate attempt to make you reconsider

And the only way he could possibly make up for his past behaviour is to prove to you that he would do these things for you irrespective of moving back in.

Which he won't do. Therefore he invents an alternative timeline in which he had no idea you ever wanted him to do those things.

”I will do anything you ask and more, just let me move back in”

Sorting out the flat isn't really sorting himself out though, those are basics he needs to do for his children to comfortably stay there.

You might have different expectations, but Id have thought sorting himself out would be working on parenting skills to address the kids behaviour, therapy or at least reading on how to break the cycle he grew up with, reducing the gaming to build other habits etc.

He isn't really sorting himself out at all, and the things he did list read like a tick list for gold stars - not things he sees as being a standard in a healthy loving relationship.

Its good you have started to mute the messages to give yourself distance.

those are basics he needs to do for his children to comfortably stay there.

And also probably an investment in his property's value -- remember how focused he was on that?!

What’s the timeline for him getting the rest of his stuff?