Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

He's a weirdo,desperate to get back in but a definite weirdo. Mother just thinks he's missing the chance of a lifetime. I would be at the stage where I would send this message,then block

Stop, just stop.
I really don't care how you spin it anymore,blame me if you like and if it makes you feel better.
We're over,done.
You are not coming back to live in my home and sending me wordy nonsense filled messages is not going to change my mind.

Other than blocking, If you feel like you need to reply, just say ‘okay’. No emotion, nothing to counter a response, no discussion

Great advice!

Reminds me of the 2023 ashes in England. The English player Johnny Bairstow was stumped by Aus after wandering out of his crease. Australia planned it, the English were outraged, if you’re a cricket fan it was huge. Very controversial, even mentioned by both Prime Ministers 😀.

Afterwards during the press conference, Pat Cummins, the Aus captain was told that Stokes, his English counterpart, thought it was against the spirit of cricket, that he didn’t want England to play in that way, that he (Stokes) would have withdrawn the appeal.

Cummins looked at the reporter and just said, “Okay”. The press wanted more controversy and Pat just shut it down.

Channel your inner Pat Cummins. I know he’s Australian and you’re English and if you’re a cricket fan it will seem sacrilegious, but it was very effective at the time. He’s also extremely handsome.

You can set your boundaries, which you have, what you can't do is control how others react to your boundaries. He's never going to see it from your point of view. Is it his week with his kids? Has this increased his motivation to get his feet back under your table? Keeping his things at yours just makes him think that you, deep down, want him back and he's not going to give up until you make it crystal clear that it's not what you want. BLOCK and get rid of his stuff...

The one who walks away has the power.

You can take back control OP.

Whatever he thinks of you is irrelevant. You don't need to hear it.

So treat it as an addiction, and begin by blocking him for one hour at a time. When the hour is up, block him for another hour, and so on.

The withdrawal symptoms may be epic to start with (feeling anxious, shaky etc). But they will lessen with every hour of peace that passes.

Then block him for a day, and then another day, and so on.

By the time you reach a week of zero contact, your nervous system will be starting to heal and you'll feel a deep sense of calm and peace. By this point, you won't want to unblock, so you carry on for another week, and so on.

Time and distance are your friends OP.

Give yourself the opportunity to heal by no longer accessing the addictive substance, one hour at a time.

You can do this.

I think this is a good question to ask. And I wonder if the answer is that OP feels at some level that she is wrong and unreasonable and deserves to be told that. So you are keeping the channel open to be told that you're the bad person you fear you really are. You're more comfortable with the idea you're the person in the wrong, than with the idea that you're not and you deserve better.
I really hope you can step into the view of yourself OP that we here have of you.

I think she still loves him and isn’t ready to let it all go yet.

Sometimes we want a "killer line" that will finally make the other person see sense and agree.

But it doesn't always happen like that and it can be really difficult to disconnect until you get that completed feeling.

It's messy. In his eyes he needs to keep at you until he gets you to let his kids back in your house because that's easier and quicker than house hunting.

The only way he stops is if you ignore him.

I hope he doesn't have stuff at yours any more, but if you can't block him, at least get rid of his things

Of course he believes the cr*p he is peddling. It totally serves his purpose of pushing his way back into your life and your home, so his kids can have the run of your house instead of being cooped up in his one bed flat.

that line works for him so in his mind is must be true.

We are all cheering you on @PithyBeaker There is no further complexity to his view of events other than it serves him. That’s all there is in his little life.

you are so much better off without him.

I wonder whether your reluctance to accept your own view and openness just incase his might be correct is that that clarity would mean accepting that you were taken in by a user who , well, used you. That he never really loved you as you (and we all) want to be loved.

please know that what went wrong was all about him and his selfishness to use anything that helped him at whatever cost to you and your lovely son.

thinking of you and sending you strength.

Well done for muting and archiving him.

I’m guessing if he’s happy to use his mother, then the kids are next.

Any man of that age who gets his mother involved is pathetic. It’s absolutely out of order.

C'mon Pithy, time for you to block him.

The person who has the least to lose by walking away is the one with the power.

What the eyes don’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over.

very well done on blocking! Come back here if you need sympathetic listeners to keep processing. You still have lots to think about and chew over. But just as you can’t bring your abuser into therapy he doesn’t het to be part of that process. He doesn’t need to tell his side to you or have his POV validated.

The level of narcissistic gaslighting is crazy from this guy.

Block him for your mental health, OP.

I'm not sure about this.
I believe that it's always difficult to end a relationship, especially a long one where you actually lived together.

It's very hard to let go of our feelings in these situations.

The OP is doing her best.

As a gentle step towards blocking:

• change settings so he can't see if you are reading messages/online
• hide the chat
• check the messages once a day at most
• don't reply at all

It feels really frustrating when he is misrepresenting and distorting your experience. And it is so hard to not reply "that's not true! It was actually x,y,z" when he provokes you. But what does that actually achieve? It's just keeping you stuck in a back and forth where he is browbeating you, blaming you and undermining your confidence in your own reality.

Also, what does it matter if he/his mum/his mates think you are in the wrong? What do you actually care what they think? You know the truth of your situation. And that's the most important thing.

A couple of things to consider:

• children who have experienced abuse by caregivers often blame themselves, because it is less unbearable for a child to feel that they are the one at fault than to acknowledge that a caregiver is unsafe. If that is a familiar pattern for you, be aware if it is playing out again now?

He and his kids stole your peace when he was in your home and by reading his messages, you're allowing him to steal your peace inside your head.

For him, the relationship is done unless you let him and his kids move back in. Then you and your son lose out and it will quickly be even worse than before because he will be looking to punish you and his kids will not be nice to your son. That means your relationship is effectively over, because he will not have a relationship on your terms, which are that you live apart. You want what you think could be instead of what it actually is. All the bluster and bullshit is just him trying to worm his way back into your home and take advantage of you. Attacking your mental health is vile and using his mom is fucking pathetic. Other men would be buying flowers and showing the better side of the self like at the beginning of the relationship but he thinks you're fine with him giving you a ration of shit. Being in love doesn't mean being in pain. You can't fix your childhood by taking care of this guy and his kids. Your life and your son's life is worse with him in it.

@PithyBeaker to him, you are nothing more than a resource that has been denied him, so he is using every tool in the block to regain use of the resource as it suits his purpose. You have the means and the ability to hold on to and remain peaceful and happy in your home but if you let him back in to regain use of your home and money, you and your lovely son will suffer the consequences of that and you will most likely end up extremely unhappy again.
Don’t listen to the voice in your head that responds to his pleading and guilt tripping that makes you question yourself, just know for you and your son, you made the right decision. Then block the arsehole and live a wonderful life.

He's never going to see it from your point of view.

Yes I think this is right. It’s very confusing though bc he gives me all the lip service that he does understand my POV, he behaved badly, he would never be like that again. After about a week and a half saying no “long distance” relationship was possible he came steaming back w gifts (perfume, silk PJs) saying he does understand, he won’t ever treat me like that again, he “didn’t know” how unhappy I was. He said we can have a relationship and not live together BUT (and here is the crux) he wants hope that we can live together again. I have told him that is never happening, I’m happier now and his response is: you have PTSD, when you’re recovered you’ll change your mind bc you love me and know how important it is to me. 🙄🙄🙄 While simultaneously telling everyone that he’s a hero, putting up w the temporary inconvenience bc I have PTSD and he loves me and is so selfless. 🫩🫩🫩🙄🙄🙄 I think I’m finally done. There is no future for us. His priority is coming off covered in glory, nothing else.

I am letting it go. I’m done. I didn’t look at his messages today and felt so much lighter. Yesterday was awful, like a dark cloud

PB you know this is manipulating emotional abuse right, he is playing into the darkest part of your PTSD - the part that clings to hope of change at any cost. the part that makes you run to and believe your abuser - the part that even as an adult is being processed at the age you were when the PTSD started, making you doubt yourself over and over.
What a complete cunt he is, regardless of if this is on a conscious or subconscious level from him!
Imagine holding a mirror in your hand, what we see is a reflection, he is reflecting the truth but just like a mirror it is backwards and he is telling you all about himself and his actions - projection shut it down by (if you have to reply) "You're allowed to feel what you feel", "You're entitled to see me how you want", and "Your anger is not my responsibility" - verbatim replies that you can cut and paste.

That’s good. You may start to feel anxious eventually not checking messages, but that’s when it’s important to stay firm about keeping it this way. You know what you’re going to get anyway and it is so much better for you ending contact on your terms.

Are all practical issues (his possessions in your house etc) all tied up now so you can make no-contact permanent? If not I think you need to sort that out this week, make clear everything is final and then block for good.

I know how hard it is to see what is real when you are in the middle of things and being gaslit by someone you cared about. So in case a view from an outsider helps, here is mine: You are very clearly a lovely kind person - PTSD has made you kind and also vulnerable. He is very clearly an absolute tosser who cares only for himself. Like many tossers, he is very good at speaking bullshit and making you doubt yourself. I would bet everything I own that you will be happier without him in your life, even if that means being single forever more.

This is wonderful news. You’re about to be completely free of this man’s ability to use you and abuse you.