Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

One of my friends was in your situation 2 years ago after a split.
She never blocked him.
Two years later she STILL receives these messages. She has lost a load of weight, a good few friends who don’t want to hear about it, and a lot of her self respect.
She has told him many times over she doesn’t love him and still it goes on.
Now and again they meet up to discuss ‘what went wrong’ and he tells her it’s due to her past trauma.
He sends her books and podcasts about it.
He never mentions his two ex partners, one drank herself to death and the other took her own life.
He doesn’t mention his chaotic children who are destructive.
This is a lovely woman, fantastic kids, wonderful family, her home is peaceful, and still she gets these messages every day. At the moment he is praying for her to get well.
At the heart of it, as awful as he is and he was abusive, she’s scared of not meeting someone else.
I tell her with him in the doorway, nobody can past him any way. And that’s what he wants.
Your body and mind are unsettled because you are allowing yourself to read this stream of abusive shit every single day.
You get no break from it.
You are listening to lies and insults about the core of you, daily.
He is abusing you.
He is abusing you.
He is abusing you.
I am being blunt because a wonderful woman like you is trapped in this hell.
Only you can choose to leave it.
If you don’t, your health is going to fail and you have your DS to care for.
If you let this man back into your home you are in for a world of pain but you may as well because he’s living in your mind.
If he loved you and knew you were so unhappy he’d leave you alone.
He does not love you at all. He doesn’t know what love is I am afraid.
Only you can make the decision. If the advice is to block him, and you don’t, then you are moving towards allowing yourself to be mistreated every single day.

He continues to abuse you.

You are still letting him have so much of your head space.

Why are you putting up with this? You have the control / power to stop this.

You have been so strong standing up for yourself and getting him out.

You can block him.

His use of 'come home to me' is significant if he still has belongings in your house. I suspect he is using that as the hope that he can move back in and rejoin them. "Pithy still has my stuff therefore she still wants me there".
As others have said, you probably need to block him now. Stop reading his rubbish and definitely stop replying to it. That is enough for him to keep contacting you. And block the mother too. She's crossed a line.

@Fleetbug
Yes, a perfect resumé.

I would finish this permanently today.

“You are never going to accept it was your behaviour that destroyed the relationship, you had the warnings, you made no changes. What’s that old walnut ? “Actions have consequences”, you would be wise to integrate this into your mindset & that if your feral children.

It was making me unhappy, in my own home.
You have refused a further relationship with the person you purportedly Love, due to me, comfort cow, removing the perks.
Put Simply , its definitively over now

You have until X to sort your belongings which are now at xyz (at details)

Oh & cease to use my personal medical details to blame me, & spew it forth to convince yourself & your mother & others, that you are Gold.

This is done now. I will not be responding further.”

he’s almost convinced me of it. That I’m the one who blew up a good thing.

A good thing doesn't call you a cunt, want your kid to move out or let his sons trash yours.

It's basic manners/respect that none of those things happen!

Perfect @PithyBeaker

i think you might feel better if you nudge this along to no contact - doesn’t have to be mean just firm

”Enough now. You have your truth I have mine. I also have. a pack of vipers online so not as alone as I sometimes think or you hope
Relationships can and do end all across the world all the time just because one person wants them to with no other reason.”

just get your stuff out of my house and fuck off

Practise blocking by starting with his mother.

This might lead to a babble of “she was only trying to help you are a fucked up person to block an older woman” blah blah

But it’s obvious that mummy only texted you because she’s having to deal with him more now.
we know this
you know this
mummy knows this
he is the only one who won’t see this

then give him a deadline for his outstanding belongings

then block him
he might them turn up
you can then ask one time for him to stop that as we because it’s harassment then

he is making this as difficult as he possibly can - this isn’t love - so maybe you do or don’t have PTSD - maybe - but you did recognise his bad behaviour towards you, your son and your home - so you aren’t doing too badly @PithyBeaker

you tried, still are, at your own detriment, to deal with this separation with kindness and grace - you have considered hm above and beyond what he deserves - he will never accept this
but you have

so it’s a sunnier Sunday
take your son out
go for a bike ride
train ride to ice cream
look at a painting
buy a Lego set to do together

shove his messages into “archive” so you will get them but can decide when to read his navel fazing bollocks

No wonder you feel lonely, you are scared of severing all ties @PithyBeaker you’re not allowing yourself the peace that will come after blocking him and moving on with your life. He will never accept he has done any wrong, you can keep justifying yourself to him, his mum and the dog down the street and allow him an opening to keep up the narrative or you can block and be done with him! Stop giving him the power to hurt and play mind games with you, stop being his victim, it’s over and close the door.

Well done Pithy for brave reply to your XP. You have been both kind and fair.

But… he doesn’t read or process your replies does he. He just sees that you are still talking and that gives him hope he will persuade you.
im guessing another lengthy pile of crap will soon arrive in your messages, more of the same drivel.
You have said everything there is to say and he will only understand actions now. His stuff needs moving. Find a legal way to get that done. His messages are meaningless. Block and don’t read. You could deliver his stuff to his mum if he won’t accept it!
Wishing you well

Hey Pithy ,like everyone i think you have been amazing and its very hard to work your way out of the tangle.
Maybe you could do baby steps with the blocking? Block him for an hour and then unblock. Then a bit later , whenever feels right block him for 2 hours and so on. Or maybe block him at night so you won't be waiting for the message. And maybe move to email only, if you are struggling thay may help?
Also maybe doing a bit of thinking about why you are finding it so difficult to make that final move, being compassionate to yourself all the way.
Keep on going you are worth the effort xx

I agree that keeping channels open is just giving him hope. He hopes to get back under your roof, that's his hope.

I also have to add that a lot of people, when rejected, hit out with personal information that you have shared when you were together. It's not like he has incredible or insight or that he is right, he is merely using what you already told him.

Have done this (mute and archive) and adjusted settings so I don’t get his call or notifications in Personal, DND, etc modes. I’m going to make coffee and spend the day outside w my son. Thanks all.

Well done Pithy.

My ex was the same. He made it super clear for years that he neither liked nor loved me, but he wouldn’t end things with me and when I finally did, that was ANOTHER thing to blame me for. Anyway, in a way you did “blow up a good thing”
but only in his eyes. In other eyes, like ours and yours, you tried really hard to make it work but in the end his conditions were intolerable for you. You may have ended the cohabitation but he ended the relationship, and he could have changed things at any point up to now. He has chosen not to listen to you or give any credit to your point of view. He’s actively chosen that. It keeps him safe because he can blame you and deflect everything from his own part in it.

Have a lovely day out with your boy. Enjoy returning to a quiet, clean, peaceful home together. No dread in the pit of your stomach, no fear of what you might find or be blamed for when you get in. 💐💐💐

I do think you will have to accept that he will never see your point of view @PithyBeaker - I think this can be very hard, like you just want them to understand and accept the reality, to finally get the point across that you've been trying to make for all these years, to not be misunderstood or wrongly perceived. But that just isn't going to happen. Ultimately you have to accept that he will always believe this version that he's got, and that's ok.

My ex, who was very similar in many ways, no doubt believes it was all my fault/my issues and I'm sure tells that to anybody who will listen. I don't care, I know the truth, so do the people who love me and what he believes is not my problem anymore.

Whether you block him or not, you need to accept that his version will be different from yours. Let him have his version. Let his mum have his version. Don't let it undermine yours.

Having two versions of the same story is why people split up. If you could see things the same way, there would never have been a problem.

There was. You didn't imagine it. But that's your perspective, not his.

Your perspective is the important one, as far as you're concerned. This is the difficult thing to get your head round when you've had a lifetime of accepting that other people's feelings are the ones that really matter.

Insanity is banging your head against a brick wall.
The wall isn't moving, and neither is the situation, continuing to slam your head (or mind) against it only hurts you @PithyBeaker so the question you need to ask yourself is why do you feel you deserve to be to punished for finally putting you and your son needs first? Why do you feel such guilt for finally realising his actions and words tarnished and destroyed the relationship and not you? You went over and above to keep him happy, housed and his children welcome at the detriment of you and your son.
You need to own your power, your right to your own thoughts and feelings and walk away to protect yourself from anyone who mean you harm. Blocking him releases you from his continuous tantrum and mind games. Set yourself free xx

Just to add, wanting to have The Final Word is what drags things on messily for ever. There's no need for it.

Why aren’t you blocking @PithyBeaker? Genuine question. I think you really really need to dig deep and ask yourself why it is. Are you hoping for reconciliation? Do you have issues with blocking people (eg you find it immature, bridge burning, something else?) , is it that you worry that he and others will see you as the bad guy for doing that? Something else?

ultimately I was where you were. I deeply self reflected and had counselling. Mine went on years (we did have children together). What I realised after lots of self reflection was I didn’t want to reconcile - I didn’t want him at all - I wanted him to understand why I had broken up with him. I wanted to see what he’d done to me. I wanted him to own it and appt and beg forgiveness. I did a lot of work to get to the point where I didn’t need that anymore - it was never going to happen and I just honestly didn’t care what he thought. His views on why we broke up and on me as a person (I was mad and bad apparently) become totally irrelevant. It took me bloody years to get to that point but that is because we had to coparent together (which mentally almost killed me). You can literally walk away and never speak to this man again. Stop giving your power away! Take control and start living again. You are letting him abuse you. You wouldn’t let him come round several times a day and slap you round the face, poke you, and pull your hair would you? But metaphorically that is what you are doing. Stop allowing it!
I would highly recommend therapy as well as it will help you explore the root of why you are tolerating this. You deserve so much better. X

Oh sweetie 💐 he’s like a dripping tap isn’t he. All me me me, I I I, admitting to very little awareness of his lack of care to you & shifting the ‘blame’. Latching on to any narrative that springs into his head & puts him as the injured party.
I think trying to respond to his accusations is futile as he just won’t listen, you have what he wants - house, space, money, someone to parent his kids & make his life easy, as you have for 5 years.

Other than blocking, If you feel like you need to reply, just say ‘okay’. No emotion, nothing to counter a response, no discussion. Just short one word responses. Let him write his version of the story, you know the truth 💐

Thinking of you & sending strength x

Exactly. Let him have the last word and tell all and sundry how much of a prize he was and you threw it all away.

does it matter? Not one jot.

let him continue to shout into the void while you get
on with your life, and your sons xx

I know this is hard, but what do you honestly think would happen if you took him back and let him and his children move back in? A week or two of him playing the martyr and making a show of being the loving supportive partner? Perhaps he might even manage a month?

Then things slip and if you dare to broach this, it would be thrown back in your face. He forgave you and came back despite all of your problems because he loves and wants to support you. You hurt his kids by throwing them out so don’t nag them or expect anything from them, instead you should appease them to rebuild the relationship. Your life would be put on hold to make amends.

If you were to take them back, things would be worse than before as he would see it as you admitting he was right and you were wrong. Time to call it a day completely and block him and his family. You need the chance to heal for you and your son.

I guarantee he is already on dating apps. Ignore him, enjoy your life

Yes - I think reluctance to block might derive from not wanting to just dismiss him as a useless piece of shit, or whatever some PPs have painted him as, because relationships are more complex and paradoxical than that.

However.

What matters is that he and OP do not view things in the same way. Of course the relationship was working just fine for him (at her expense), so he's not going to "get it." One day, in a few years' time, with different life experiences under his belt, he might reflect back and understand more. But not now.

Texting back long lines of reasoning is pointless. Maybe a thumbs-up?

The hardest thing in the world is drawing a line under a relationship we wish had worked better. But it didn't. The other person experiences the split as a sudden decision, not realising what a very long and painful process of accumulated hurts and gradual detachment has led up to it. So of course they will deny your experience, not having lived through that themselves.

This in spades ^^^