AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Can't you be together but live separately? He buys a house where he can have his kids, then he can come and spend time with you when they are at their mum's. You can all be together sometimes like holidays.

4 children would be quite a handful anyway! And by moving on and having another relationship and the other influences that adds its only going to make it harder. But thats the choices youve made and life is an imperfect mess.

Im sure there are lovely times too or you wouldnt have chosen the situation. If there arent then look at changing it as PP says.

Hard as it would be to ask him and his DC to leave, it would undoubtedly be the best thing in the long run for your DC. A calm peaceful home all of the time while they start secondary school and become a teenager... it just seems so much preferable to a chaotic home every other week... his DC will only get more demanding as they become teenagers and if they have extra needs they may be living with you for years into adulthood. As it's your home you are in a good position. It will be hard but I would think so much better for you and your DC to start the process of separation now.

I would be happy with this but I don’t think he would. The hassle, expense and general feeling of rejection…

Does he pay rent? Because I'm not surprised he is happy in a situation where he lives in your house, you look after his children when they come over including cleaning up the shit stains they leave so he doesn't have to, then games in the evening.

Why did he split up with his ex?

This is true. There used to be good times. Fewer lately as DP and I seem to have drifted into roommates. To be clear I am not interested in another relationship. I do love DP even though he is annoying sometimes and has irritating traits (ultra logical ASD brain). He is a good man though and I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Certainly not cohabiting ever again if this relationship doesn’t work

Could it work if you still see each other but live separately until all children are independent?

He wants a nanny with a Fanny.

Once you have seen through this shite it’s hard to unsee. If he doesn’t want to continue the relationship living separately then you know he was just using you. 💐

It sounds crap. You being stressed and exhausted on top of the mess and massive disruption caused by these children is awful for your poor son. Doesn’t he deserve better?

To be clear, I don’t clean up their mess. I pay a cleaner to come on the day they leave. He does almost all the childcare when they are with us and we share cooking and do equal nights a week. He did pay rent for about a year but I stopped bc it felt unfair to take his money …

Bloody hell OP.

You've got yourself a cocklodger

Also: his reasons for splitting w the x were very unusual and particular to their situation. Don’t want to share details which may easily identify them but trust me it was messy on both sides and neither came out covered in glory

I think the obvious solution is he buys his own house (he needs one for his own financial stability anyway) and moves out into it to have his children for the weeks he has them, and can live in your house for free the other week

Of course he wouldn't be happy.

But doesn't your happiness count too?

I always say life isn’t a dress rehearsal, if you express how you feel and he argues it then he really isn’t to bothered about you.

I… don’t know what is. Also I don’t know how to put a laughing emoji on your comment. But please know that I wished to.

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I don't think it ever works when both parts of a couple have children from a previous relationship. There always seems to be issues and the children suffer. Do you think your child is happy with the set up OP?

I think your general point is interesting and I do wonder why (some) people add a new boyfriend/girlfriend into the mix, with other kids added in too.

I do believe that if you have split up with young kids you should focus on them until they are say 16. Not to say you can’t have some romance but moving in, stressing about whether you have enough bedrooms, moaning about the attitude of the other kids or how long they spend at your house, not being happy with how the boyfriend talks to your kids etc seems to take most of aibu at the moment. Just keep it simple and prioritise your kids!

My DC actually loves them and looks forward to the weeks they are with us. Otherwise it would be a no brainer decision…

Talk to him about how you’re feeling used. Sounds like he’s relaxed his efforts now he’s landed himself a free house and help for his family.

I’d agree with this
it doesn’t sound like this current arrangement is great for anyone really.

What's his financial situation like? Is he working?

How old are all the children involved? Also although it is an established 1 week at Mum's 1 week at Dad's would it perhaps be better to have them for less consecutive days? That way less pressure on your Dp for days on end and the house wouldn't get as bad. I am only suggesting this because it seems a chaotic way of living right now.

Otherwise I feel that this will just get worse and you will start to feel contempt.

Things like flushing the toilet after use and them checking the state of the bowl and cleaning it before washing their hands they have should have been taught when they were 3. I would be making them check, even though they are not my children because they are using your toilet.

So ...it seems your DS likes his step siblings and looks forward to them coming at weekends, your DP obviously likes his children coming too, so splitting up and stopping this arrangement would not be for your DS's benefit.
Infact he might be very upset about it.
The person who seems unhappy is you OP - and very understandable.
I think you have 2 problems - one your step children are messy/chaotic and do not sound very boundaried and the second is your relationship with DP.

It sounds like 3 years in and you have fallen into being mum and dad...not a very attractive or sexy state - especially as you are not mum to his children.

Im guessing before he moved in, you saw each other for dates and sleep overs etc and had an adult relationship - now you don't get that because effectively he sees you as 'mum'.

what you do about this is up to you ...you could split up , you could ask him to move out and you go back to the dating stage, neither of which sounds as if it is what he would want, or your DS wants.

So you need to talk to him, preferably when no kids around and explain what you wrote on here...you feel the weekends with his DC drain you, you feel you have become default 'mum' and you don't feel as if your adult relationship is getting any attention or priority.

You only have his children EOW and so what is happening in the other 10 days ?
Could you bear the EOW chaos if you have a better relationship the rest of the time ? maybe you have to accept those weekends and focus on the in between time to improve your relationship between you two and that might make coping with his DC easier ?

A lot of mess, 3 kids that are competitive to your 1, more care needs, more work because your partner gets overwhelmed but despite being overwhelmed, he's relaxed about the chaos and there you are cleaning 💩. And he lives in your home and pays no rent. And you pay a cleaner to clean the mess while he fucking games.

Well fucking A, he's got it made.

Seriously? What the hell is this showing your child? Does your kid like living in chaos and mess? How are you going to show them better when you live like this? And you pay for the privilege of living like this.

How the hell do you think it's unfair for some dude living in your home to pay rent when he's always there and he's got 3 kids trashing the place?

You and your child would be better off without a cheap, lazy dude and his children trashing your home and letting their dysfunction rule you.

It says in one of her posts that they both work FT