Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Here are the concrete facts which already look bad enough:

• he maintained a fallback flat for himself
• his children occupied your home half the time
• you absorbed domestic cost and disruption
• he did not meaningfully restructure the arrangement
• he stayed comfortable while you became progressively more unhappy
• only after losing the arrangement did urgency and emotional eloquence appear

It does not matter if he was genuinely blind or was deliberately being selfish, the outcome is the same.

He had years to respond while you wers unhappy and carrying the strain. Then the second he loses the comfortable setup — bigger house, childcare infrastructure, emotional support, domestic labour, stability — suddenly he becomes poetic, wounded, reflective, and desperate to reconcile.

That timing is not flattering to him.

And yes, it strongly suggests that what he misses is not simply your essence as a beloved human being, but the entire ecosystem you provided around him. The house matters because it represented comfort, ease, space for his children, and relief from consequences he otherwise had to carry himself.

So your instinct is not irrational at all:
he is devastated now because the arrangement stopped serving him.

Yes, some of this is AI generated. It doesn't make it wrong.

"You will never convince me that I didn’t care for you or that I wouldn’t have done whatever it took to make you happy if I had known, because it’s not true and I know it’s not true."

I seem to recall that he stopped bothering even to make a coffee for you. Also, early on, he did admit he'd stopped bothering and had allowed his children to trash your place. You know he's gaslighting you Pithy, but that doesn't stop it hurting and being lonely. Take small steps, and know that how you feel now is the worst of it, and that you will not feel like this soon. You do need time to grieve and heal and you can't start that process whilst he is still playing an active part in your life, even if it's just by text. You have friends on here, so vent as much as you need 💐

Why do you want to carry on getting messages from him?
You haven't blocked him yet, which means there is something you want. Do you know what it is?

He is still making you so unhappy. He is not going to be the person you want him to be, he’s not going to say the things you want him to say. It’s never going to happen. I’m so sorry but it’s true.

I know it’s hard but please please please stop letting him hurt you. Stop interacting with him. He’s chipping away at your sanity and self belief with every single message you read, because he’s a manipulative arsehole.

Block him. Prioritise your health and your future and BLOCK HIM.

If you don’t now - and I really hope you have decided against someone who treats you like this being your partner - maybe it’s time to cut the ties? You don’t actually need him to be able to contact you at all? Get any of his stuff in storage, as a PP suggested earlier. BLOCK. Stop letting him gaslight you xx

I'm really sorry you're still giving him headspace. He is like a stuck record. He is the disingenuous one, he ended it with you. He spent no time with you. He wouldn't clean up after his kids. Doesn't matter what he said and says about how much he cared, that was the reality. You need to get angry. His mum messaging is an absolute piss take! She's worried he'll end up with her.

Pithy..... I implore you to please read a load of your threads back whenever you start to wobble. Remind yourself of all the things said and all of us supporting you and the sense that has been talked in it (ignore the pillock replies though!).

You have come so far and you were so positive..... Don't lose sight of that bright future, sailing off into the sunset 🔆

I think it’s human nature to respond to allegations about what you’ve done, who you are, but there comes a point where you have to be pragmatic. He will never change, no matter how many texts you send, his mum will always believe he’s the next coming of Christ.

This mess is eating into your free time, your time with yourself, your time to watch movies, read books. It’s stopping you from processing the end of the relationship and having new experiences without him, because he’s always “there” - Has he texted? How will I respond?

You need to block him, he’s in your head and it’s holding you back. I am older than you 😀 and as such have had my share of shitty exes, but you certainly don’t move on from a horrible breakup by ongoing contact. Without sounding like a self-help book, you’ll rediscover yourself in the mundane, by layering normal life over the break-up. Dramatic gestures are great - redesigning rooms, fun new hobbies - but so is exercise, movies, reading in bed with toast, watching your son play sport. You won’t move on if you’re doing these things waiting for your phone to ping, wondering how he’s replied.

I’ve not commented here for a long time, but I remember the beginning of this and I remember how relieved and peaceful you felt when he moved out, albeit sad of course. Nothing has changed since then except he’s messed with your head (and in doing so confirmed it was a very good move on your part).

I understand it’s difficult to think of not talking to him but for your own sake you have to cut contact now, it really is the only way. The conversations you are having are not only hurting you - they are irrelevant. You are conducting a never-ending relationship postmortem; at some point you’ve just got to accept it’s dead and time to move on.

I think you need a clear message confirming this and tying up any practicalities, block, and then be firm with yourself to keep it that way. Otherwise you’re basically doing the emotional equivalent of self-harm in letting thus carry on.

I agree with this.

Or copy/paste that bit where he told you the relationship was over but if you still fancied sex he would bang you while he was dating other women. Or was it until many, many women had fainted in excitement and awe at his golden cock then you were out. Can't quite remember the details but I do remember that was the start of him punishing you.

I'm so sorry though

I have watched this thread in the background and been impressed by you.
Now though, it is starting to feel like on some weird level you need/want the back-and-forth messages even if they make you feel bad. Like you want something to be able to post on here for everyone to give you virtual hugs and tell you how amazing you are. How right you are.
I realise that this is a part of what you have been conditioned to over time. But for heaven’s sake block him and move forwards. This is never going to suddenly become a supportive warm friendship or relationship. What are you getting from continuing to enter into dialogue with him, let alone with his mum? They are never going to see it your way.

have you ever heard the saying better a hole than an arsehole? It’s so hard feeling lonely, but surely if the alternative is this behaviour, then that’s still the better option.

This must all be so draining for you. It really does sound like he’s just trying to wear you down to go along with what he wants- and imagine if he did; it wouldn’t be like it was before, it would be even worse, because he would know he’d convinced you of a narrative that wasn’t even true, and he’d hold this over you forever more

stay strong Pithy, and know there will always be support for you here if you need it x

Time for some tough talk.

What an asshole and what a load of bullshit. You seem to forget he wanted your son there less so you would be more available for him and his kids.

He wouldn't even bring you a cup of coffee.

That's not love. That's using.

He was checked out. You did the heavy lifting on every facet of your relationship from housing to taking a financial hit, your house being ground down by the wear and tear along with you.

This is just more of him grinding you down.

Your son was happier when he found out they all moved out. He got to do things that he couldn't while your ex and his kids were living there. He's better off.

I get you think you can have a relationship with him without living with him but he's had it his way for 5 years and he wants you and your home to shore up all his holes, the holes in his parenting and his finances and his life. You love him more than he does you and he knows it and he took advantage of that for 5 years at your expense and your son's expense.

You reconcile and your son goes back to last place and this guy will make it harder on him. He'll eventually shove him out of his own home if you cave.

It's time to cut the cord. He doesn't love you like you want him to and never will.

@PithyBeaker You need to stop this now.

You need to be the adult here. You need to stop engaging. This sounds harsh but you need to accept the responsibility that belongs to you, and be wise and adult enough to stop being drawn into pointless discussions. Those texts you've posted remind me of dealing with my autistic ex and in the end, I had to be the responsible one, accept that he was NEVER going to accept responsibility for his behaviour himself and then *let it go".

Right now you're not being kind to yourself or him. It hurts when your pour your heart into a relationship and realise that you'll never be understood or treated with straightness, but the point comes that you have to accept it and wothdraw from their desperate need to mess you up with words.

But the point comes that all you can do is let go with love and sadness, and acknowledge that sometimes you can't do any more.

You need to stop now. Like I said, engaging now is not kind to him or you.

I also dont think you should be repeating his lengthy texts here, I'm afraid.

It's past time to look away from him and towards the future!

Great insight 🥰 yes this!

Pithy, right at the beginning of all this, you decided that you wanted him and his children to move out, and to continue a relationship with him on that basis (maintaining separate homes).
Because you couldn't stand the mess and chaos of his kids in your home.
But also because he had stopped being a loving, caring, considerate partner, despite you making him aware of the issues you were unhappy about.

He rejected that option.

He only wants the scenario where he and his kids share your home.

And that doesn't work for you, or your son (you thought he'd really miss them, but he was pleased they'd gone).

There really is nothing left to say.

He will never agree with your view of things, and you obviously will never agree with his view (because he is deluded).

The best and kindest thing for both of you is to draw a line under it.
Finish it once and for all.

You are drawn back into the sadness and second-guessing yourself with every message.
And you are not being fully present for your son while you are still going over old ground with your ex.

Sort out any remaining possessions of his still in your home.
Write a final message.
Then block.
And start to properly heal.

💐

I definitely think it is now time to block him. He says he thinks there is no point talking unless you do what he demands and I agree. The fact that he thinks you having PTSD is some sort of trump card for him shows him for what he is. Stop thinking of him and do other stuff.

You reconcile and your son goes back to last place and this guy will make it harder on him. He'll eventually shove him out of his own home if you cave

I was going to say exactly this.

OP, he wants to “be a family”. What has he done to establish a bond with your son?

Your son, IIRC is nearly in high school. He WILL become moody, grumpy, defiant, self-centred as he becomes a teen. Teens and adult men in the same house clash. They get through when they have a strong relationship forged by years of fostering that connection and by strong boundaries. Pragmatically, that looks like dads/step-dads involving themselves in their son’s sports, hobbies, school activities over time and with a degree of selflessness.

what has your ex-DP done to be a positive figure in your son’s life? How did your ex DP respond when one of his children openly resented your son?

If you get back together your son has no sanctuary. He will be living with a man who wants him there less, and a child who resents him. You’ll be heading towards high-conflict teen years, your ex-DP will want you to side with him when he feels your son is “disrespectful” to him. And that’s not mentioning his own poorly parented ND children and their teen storm that awaits you.

You love him more than he does you and he knows it

This is the crux of it, this man has damaged your self-worth, but if you love your son more than your ex prioritise your son. Give him the physical and emotional space to allow him to grow to manhood in a peaceful environment.

I'll use a medical analogy.

You have a wound. It's scarred over, but the scar tissue is fragile and tears apart easily. That's the abuse and the results of your abuse.

This guy, instead of trying to help you heal, is ripping that wound open and dripping a virulent organism into that wound and infecting it to get his way.

Put him in time out so you can get antibiotics, that is time with your son and supportive friends and race on your home, on board to kill off that inection. His bullshit is affecting your mental health and that affects your family and it's time to stop indulging him.

These are not the actions of a man who loves you. He doesn't want the best for you, he wants the best for himself. That's who he is.

So what if he believes “it”—it is such a wide swathe of jumbled histories its meaningless. He doesn’t have the integrity or emotional maturity to accept responsibility for his children, his housing, or his relationship. Nothing he believes, or doesn’t believe, is tethered to the reality you experienced. He was selfish then and he is selfish now.

Just block and then pick up the pieces if your life. “Therevis no education in the second time the mule kicks you”because you should have learned how painful it was from the first kick.

No, she had been fed a narrative about your PTSD.

I think you should set her straight.

His text is riddled with lies. The only worthwhile part of it is “don’t involve me”. You should heed this.

Dear Pithy
its awful that this man is effectively bullying his way back into your life. He’s hurting you. He’s making you doubt your decisions and your sanity. And why?
Money.
it costs money to provide the services you were providing for free. Childcare. Cleaning. Accommodation.
Remember the behaviour of his children? Imagine that continuing but now he is having to deal with it.

He’s no intention of paying out and stepping up to care for his children. That’s what this is about. He wants status quo back with you and will do what it takes to get it.
Everything he is saying is driven by financial considerations and the inconvenience and cost of HIS children.
Remember your son? His opinion that YOUR son was spending too much time at YOUR home? How is that showing love and concern for you?

”Come home to me” is complete doublethink. And v revealing. He can’t be talking about his one bedroom place can he? So he thinks your home is actually his!
Some translation for you
“I will wait for you as long as I can… because you are my best option for free childcare and a bigger home”
I’ll be here thinking fondly of ….your spacious home where I can game in peace while you cope with my feral kids”
“I am willing to engage in… any conversation that gets me back over the threshold with my kids bc they are hard work.”
” I have shown you in so many ways” Well actually he has shown you hasn’t he Pithy. Not with words but with actual behaviour over years. That’s the person he is.
Please stop engaging with his words and remember his motives and his behaviour. You gave him every chance.
His words are meaningless
Block

This. I completely agree and was about to post something similar.

You need to put your son first and block him now.

All the energy being in contact is taking from you - it will be impact your son and your time with him. All the feelings that contact generates - which are never nice ones - will impact your son.

Time to draw a line and move on, creating a lovely life for you and your son.

Why have any interest in maintaining contact with someone that treated you badly and that your son is happier without? It’s such a waste of your time and your precious time with your son.