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Relationships

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Continuing AIBU thread 3

1000 replies

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:35

More of the same, and thanks for your support

OP posts:
TheBlueKoala · 14/04/2026 07:14

Just posting as to not lose this thread. It's been quite a journey for @PithyBeaker. What I find beautiful with your thread OP is that I don't see any pop-corn eating around- the vast majority are women who strongly emphatise with your predicament because they have similar past or present experience and it's become a thread that is not only helpful to you (I hope it has on an intellectual and an emotional level) but to all of us. There are so many wise women out there who have shared and keep sharing their wisdom which has/is really helpful to all of us who are trying to have healthy relationships.

My two cents are as follows; focus on your son. Whenever you feel that you are treading a slippery slope and you might get pulled back in something you don't really want- visualise your son looking at you modelling a healthy relationship with a partner. Think that he will take the good and the bad with him so it def needs to be more of the good.

I wish you all the happiness in the world- you are intelligent and empathetic- you deserve to have a partner who makes you feel good about yourself and your life (we all do)🌻

Mix56 · 14/04/2026 08:00

Yes the week-end will bring out the worst in him. He'll have to tell his feral kids there is no party, (& actually no Pithy,) he'll need to entertain his own children, in his own small flat, pay to feed them & deal with their behaviour & their mess on his own.
He'll need the mattresses by then, which is why he hasn't yet collected them, as he's hoping for an about turn before the w/e.

Not sure if its been suggested, but In the aftermath of a difficult rupture its often suggested to do some self care, to reset your brain to your new situation, like, New fantastic Egyptian cotton sheets in your colours , or towels, curtains, rug... Change around the furniture.
Deep clean all his stuff from the bathroom, (ie. all his pharmacie/eye drops/ Deep heat.) so when you open a drawer you don't come face to face with little reminders.
Buy yourself flowers, put them in the sunlight.
Maybe even ask you son if he wants another/ bigger bedroom, redecorate it.

I do agree also with the many excellent posts, that he can't rock up with breakfast. It's too late, you have seen who he really is, the man that couldn't even bring you a coffee. Promises are baseless, you have seen his "go to" persona, you pleaded repeatedly for crumbs. You weren't worth it then. You don't want it now.

jeaux90 · 14/04/2026 08:03

What I enjoyed in similar circumstances OP was walking in my door with a feeling of peace and not having to brace myself for the onslaught. My own space, just me and DD. It was grounding.

Littlejellyuk · 14/04/2026 08:07

Hi @PithyBeaker

I've read all your original posts and my god you've been through the mill with all this.

He sounds like he has Peter Pan Syndrome, like the boy who never really grew up, because he always had another adult taking care of him.
I was guilty being with someone like this in the past, and would try to help/rescue my partner. My old mum called it helping a sparrow with a broken wing. Which hit home and I never realised that was what I myself was doing (I'm in no way saying that is what you are doing, just that he is a man child). 😔

He sounds like he's trying to slowly grind you down, by constant texting/ then turning up unannounced and that sounds very tiring 😫
Thank goodness you didn't marry this man, or else you would be tied up in a sheer financial mess.

I know you said that you would never tell his XP that you have split, but remember, if this Peter Pan gets too much or he doesn't respect your boundaries, then actions have consequences and that is in fact your final nail in the coffin to get him to back off from you. Whether you use it is your choice, but remember the choice is there for if /when it gets too much.

Well done for holding your nerve. 👏
You sound like a fantastic mum, and can focus on your little lad now, who will adjust, and in good time, find the peace and quiet at home to be a tonic. 💐
Wishing you well OP xx

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 08:26

diddl · 13/04/2026 18:38

I think you need to hold on to this being the real him.

When you split it's hard but I think a lot of the heartache comes from looking at things as they could have been.

But never would have been because that wasn't the reality!

I know it’s the real him, or at least the him who gets comfortable and thinks he doesn’t need to do anything. So enjoying a peaceful house.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 14/04/2026 08:37

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 08:26

I know it’s the real him, or at least the him who gets comfortable and thinks he doesn’t need to do anything. So enjoying a peaceful house.

That’s so lovely to hear @PithyBeaker . It’s only been a few days but you can recognise the different feeling in your house.

My jaw dropped when I read your update that he offered to “help “ more - it was so very telling but I think you have come so far from your original post about how blended families didn’t work to realising it wasn’t the kids but their father.

Hope your son has a lovely birthday and sleepover safe in his own family home.

SpryCat · 14/04/2026 08:44

You are going to get used to your peaceful house and appreciate it more each day.
Does your cleaner come in weekly? Imagine coming home and your house sparkling and smelling gorgeous knowing it’s not going to be wrecked when your cleaner comes again. I think I’d be rollling on the carpet in bliss!

SpryCat · 14/04/2026 08:53

I think I’d redecorate my bedroom with new bedding to keep busy and reclaim my space. Mind you I do love a good paint chart and looking at wallpaper and throw cushions 🤣

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 08:57

SpryCat · 14/04/2026 08:44

You are going to get used to your peaceful house and appreciate it more each day.
Does your cleaner come in weekly? Imagine coming home and your house sparkling and smelling gorgeous knowing it’s not going to be wrecked when your cleaner comes again. I think I’d be rollling on the carpet in bliss!

Yes! She’s coming day after tomorrow. Can’t wait. And speaking of carpets, going to lay out my gorgeous Persian that he always moaned about and I eventually folded away ☺️

OP posts:
Stansted · 14/04/2026 08:57

did you ever have the house to yourself? Sounds like you bought it and he moved straight in. I think you need to reclaim the house as yours, you never got to truly make it yours. Your son never got to experience his home that you bought for just him and you either.

Personally I think when things are hard is when people show their true selves. You buckled down and tried to do your best for everyone. He decided to coast on your hard work. As it got harder, he retreated more from you. It would never work, imagine you’re old and need help or you get sick, he wouldn’t have been there for you like you would’ve for him. It’s not fair but it’s better to recognise that now than when it’s too late to change it.

Beachtastic · 14/04/2026 08:58

SpryCat · 14/04/2026 08:53

I think I’d redecorate my bedroom with new bedding to keep busy and reclaim my space. Mind you I do love a good paint chart and looking at wallpaper and throw cushions 🤣

Edited

When I finally got my space back, I went mad for it with rosebud wallpaper and vintage floral curtains and pretty throws and cushions, the whole shebang of paraphernalia that would give any man a nosebleed 🤣

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/04/2026 08:59

I’ve got that song from South Pacific running now, ‘I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair house!’

Beachtastic · 14/04/2026 09:01

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/04/2026 08:59

I’ve got that song from South Pacific running now, ‘I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair house!’

I did actually sing that while papering the walls with rosebuds!!!!!!!!

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 09:01

Littlejellyuk · 14/04/2026 08:07

Hi @PithyBeaker

I've read all your original posts and my god you've been through the mill with all this.

He sounds like he has Peter Pan Syndrome, like the boy who never really grew up, because he always had another adult taking care of him.
I was guilty being with someone like this in the past, and would try to help/rescue my partner. My old mum called it helping a sparrow with a broken wing. Which hit home and I never realised that was what I myself was doing (I'm in no way saying that is what you are doing, just that he is a man child). 😔

He sounds like he's trying to slowly grind you down, by constant texting/ then turning up unannounced and that sounds very tiring 😫
Thank goodness you didn't marry this man, or else you would be tied up in a sheer financial mess.

I know you said that you would never tell his XP that you have split, but remember, if this Peter Pan gets too much or he doesn't respect your boundaries, then actions have consequences and that is in fact your final nail in the coffin to get him to back off from you. Whether you use it is your choice, but remember the choice is there for if /when it gets too much.

Well done for holding your nerve. 👏
You sound like a fantastic mum, and can focus on your little lad now, who will adjust, and in good time, find the peace and quiet at home to be a tonic. 💐
Wishing you well OP xx

Thank you. I def will not tell his X, he asked me not to and tbh I CBA…. 🙋🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Wreckinball · 14/04/2026 09:10

OP you don’t need to the SDCs will tell their mum anyway that you’ve split up

Oddgain · 14/04/2026 09:22

This reply has been deleted

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SpryCat · 14/04/2026 09:23

The last thing Pithy needs is anymore stress and aggravation and that will definitely set off her EX. They agreed to be amicable and Pithy is sticking to it because that’s the person she is and as long as he doesn’t try to involve DC she can separate with grace.

PurpleThistle7 · 14/04/2026 09:23

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 08:57

Yes! She’s coming day after tomorrow. Can’t wait. And speaking of carpets, going to lay out my gorgeous Persian that he always moaned about and I eventually folded away ☺️

This sounds so positive! I'd make a list of all the things you really enjoy looking at / doing / etc and have something lovely to look forward to each day while it's so difficult just now. Maybe take a half day if you can after the cleaner's been and just have a quiet cuppa (tea or gin, no judgement from me!) and watch something you love or have a tea party with your son and buy some ridiculous cakes or whatever little thing you would treat yourself to if you need a lift.

I am guessing you will feel 100% better in a couple of weeks once you settle into this. And he will move on to whatever else and leave you alone.

I am so, so impressed by you!

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 10:20

SpryCat · 14/04/2026 09:23

The last thing Pithy needs is anymore stress and aggravation and that will definitely set off her EX. They agreed to be amicable and Pithy is sticking to it because that’s the person she is and as long as he doesn’t try to involve DC she can separate with grace.

Edited

Looks like I missed a spicy comment. Oh well. Latest this morning is that he is going to IKEA to sort out a kitchen replacement at the flat (with what money I might wonder if I cba) and asked to come round but I said no and he said ok, which felt quite positive. Am glad he is focusing on sorting the flat for his kids.

OP posts:
SqueakyDinosaur · 14/04/2026 10:27

Isn't it amazing how, when the chips are down, his ADHD-fuelled procrastination actually isn't that much of a barrier and he is capable of decisive, solo action?

@PithyBeaker I've been following your threads and like a lot of PPs I'm in awe of what you've done, how quickly you've done it, and how determined you are to keep things as civil as possible while maintaining boundaries. May your days be great and your nights get better.

pinkdelight · 14/04/2026 10:27

Agree it's good that he's sorting the flat out, but in your previous post you'd said how clear you'd been that he was not to come around and yet here he is asking again. Requiring you to reiterate and say no to him. Sure he's said okay, but you'd already made your stance clear and he pushes it. Takes me back to how tired you've been feeling and how he'll keep trying in hopes that he'll wear you down and catch you at a moment where you'll give in. Well done for not doing, but he really needs to stop asking when you've already made yourself clear.

Enrichetta · 14/04/2026 10:51

Latest this morning is that he is going to IKEA to sort out a kitchen replacement at the flat

As someone who has been trying to “sort out a kitchen replacement” for some time, I’m guessing he doesn’t have a single clue what - and how much £££ - this actually involves.

In a week or two he’ll try to involve you in helping with taking over managing the project…

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/04/2026 10:53

pinkdelight · 14/04/2026 10:27

Agree it's good that he's sorting the flat out, but in your previous post you'd said how clear you'd been that he was not to come around and yet here he is asking again. Requiring you to reiterate and say no to him. Sure he's said okay, but you'd already made your stance clear and he pushes it. Takes me back to how tired you've been feeling and how he'll keep trying in hopes that he'll wear you down and catch you at a moment where you'll give in. Well done for not doing, but he really needs to stop asking when you've already made yourself clear.

Yes - he's still going to try the 'wear Pithy down by continuing to whine and ask to come over mode' tactic, isn't he?

Drpawpawspaw · 14/04/2026 11:24

He keeps on trying to get back in your home @PithyBeaker

Come round “to hold you” (🤢), come round to talk, give him another chance, help him clear out his stuff blah blah blah…

I find all of this quite manipulative tbh, whilst he doesn’t when you say no, it’s the repeated badgering which I dislike. He didn’t respect your wishes when he lived with you, and he is still failing to respect them.

Rachelshair · 14/04/2026 11:34

I just saw on the other thread that he'd said he'd "support you more around the house."
That's the whole issue right there, he sees himself as supporting/ helping you when he should be in the lead role alongside you, taking equal responsibility and not just "helping" which implies he's doing you a favour.

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