Partner lied about saving for house deposit, should we separate

[Sosadsad]

My partner and I have a nearly 3 year old. When our child was born, my partner agreed to start saving every month for a house deposit. Recently I started requesting house viewings so we can buy our first house (currently renting). My partner broke down and told me that he only saved for a year and then stopped. He’s wasted what he could’ve saved. I’m so upset. He is an involved dad but I think we’ll need to separate and I’ll need to buy on my own. I’m sure other women have been in this position but I feel so upset about the idea of separation.

This!

My ex did exactly this to me. It’s not just the financial irresponsibility that’s the issue (that did not get better over time in my case, despite repeated promises of changes), it’s the secrecy. It eventually turned out my ex was very much in the habit of omitting to tell me relevant information if it made him look bad.

He has substantially misled you for years and selfishly prioritized his own wants over the family. A healthy relationship absolutely must have honesty and transparency as one of its foundations, or there can be no trust.

I wish I had decided not to co-invest with my ex as it would have saved me a decade of stress and frustration.

I think I’d want to know where the money had gone - there’s a difference in spending it on car repairs, family days out etc, and squandering it. If he’s decent in every other way, can you reset. Maybe sit and go the moneysavingexpert budget planner to see how much you can both realistically save, and set a new goal.

I’d be disappointed as well, though.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Exactly ,I'd want to know where two years worth of surplus money went.
Mind being lied to about something so important must hurt like hell.
Perhaps better to find out now that he's a fuck up.💐

I know someone who had this same situation without kids.
She left him and bought small a flat by herself.

If he’s competent at paying half the bills can you consider him paying in extra and you save on his behalf?

Maybe get him to listen to something like the money gains podcast?
“Why most of us rent our income” could be an eye opener for him and help him change his mindset.

LTB is a bit harsh if he’s been ashamed and is a decent bloke the rest of the time!

This isn’t your fault @Sosadsad and it was not down to you to chase up on how much your boyfriend was saving, you are not his mum. Telling you he was saving when he wasn’t is a breach of trust, and also shows you are financial incompatible because you have completely different attitudes to money, spending and saving. If you stay together you will always be the one financially propping him up, you gave him a chance to change and he blew it unfortunately for you and your child.

I would separate personally. He is a liar, bad with money and budgeting. It wont get any better.

Its hard to say without knowing the huge missing parts.
It’s definitely not your responsibility to make him save, but you haven’t said whether he’s lied to you or you just haven’t discussed it at all for three years.
Do you earn the same, did you both commit to saving ‘X’ amount each month, or just ‘to save’.
Has he funded your Mat leave, or any other big purchases etc. Aside from this what’s he like with money?

In 3 years you didn’t have even one discussion about how much money there is for the deposit, what your budget is or even how much he has in his account? Surely buying a house must have been mentioned what did he say did he go along with it knowing he didn’t have the money?

What has he spent the money on instead of saving it?

Is there anything substantial he could sell?

3 years ago things were a lot cheaper it’s probably just been swallowed up

It would be a big deal breaker for me. He's been deceitful and hasn't put your family first. I would want to understand how he got to this point but it's gone on for years so he's had ample chance to come clean.

Then surely the logical thing would have been for him to say “I’m struggling with cash flow so unable to save as much as I was.” And not keep quiet?

Have you shared credit files?

I ask because my ex DF was supposed to be saving for our wedding but didn't. The discussion around this revealed a money hole that turned out to be a DMP he had hidden.

If I were in this position I’d need to know why he stopped saving and why he didn’t think to talk to you about it?

it is absolutely not your responsibility to be checking in on your adult male partner to make sure they are doing the thing you both agreed to do!

I’m honestly blown away by some responses on here - as long as he didn’t spend it on a prostitute then it’s fine 🤦🏻‍♀️

this man has a child and a partner and that partner believed him when he agreed to save for a house (alongside her) for their family! Why are we making excuses for the lack of transparency?

I cant say if you should separate or not but this isnt good. He's strung you along and lied all this time.
My ex H did things like this and in the epnd I felt I couldnt trust him or rely on him to put the family first.

It’s not your fault, you have been saving OP. Have you got enough saved as a deposit to be able to afford a small flat for you and your DC? I would personally do that and live with just my child after being lied to and let down.

I wish the Stepford Mums on here would put their money where their mouths are and go live in Iran or Afghanistan.

Since you think that women are nothing but domestic animals for men to use in any way that gets them off.

Oh no, wait. Domestic animals have more rights...

U ok?

I'm taken aback by the number of posters with extremely low standards on here.

You cannot have a relationship with someone who lies. He has broken your trust and it will be near impossible to get that trust back.

Add in the fact he will have wasted that excess money, probably on himself, instead of saving hard and putting his family first. That's selfish behaviour.

So you have a lying, selfish, dishonest and arrogant man. Who the hell would want to stay with one of those?

@likelysuspect it isn't about being his Mother it is about having open and honest conversations about finances, regular ones. That should include being open enough to show your savings account if you are saving toward buying a house.

OP differing opinions on what is important and where money should be spent is one of the things that absolutely kills a relationship. He was consciously making this decision not to save every single month. What he should have done is set up a standing order to move the money immediately out of his account into the savings account and live on the rest. Instead he hid this from you and only came clean when it came to looking at houses. This could have gone on for another year.

It wouldn't be you demanding to see his savings it would be the Father of your child showing you he is committed to buying a house with you.

He’s absolutely in the wrong but u don’t understand how you wouldn’t occasionally ask each other how much you had saved, ooh that means we might have x deposit by y date and be able to buy a house that costs z.
I don’t know if you need to separate but certainly wouldn’t be marrying or having joint finances.

How much have you saved OP?

splitting up over this seems insane- you have a child together!!!!!! The time to break up was when you realised you both lived differently- some people are savers some aren’t!!!