Partner lied about saving for house deposit, should we separate

[Sosadsad]

My partner and I have a nearly 3 year old. When our child was born, my partner agreed to start saving every month for a house deposit. Recently I started requesting house viewings so we can buy our first house (currently renting). My partner broke down and told me that he only saved for a year and then stopped. He’s wasted what he could’ve saved. I’m so upset. He is an involved dad but I think we’ll need to separate and I’ll need to buy on my own. I’m sure other women have been in this position but I feel so upset about the idea of separation.

That's the crux of it: he lied to you about it. And he only confessed because it was time to house hunt and he hadn't put the money away like he'd said he'd been doing.

Suppose you should be glad you're not married to him. Bad with money AND a liar.

They made a plan and instead of saving, he made a conscious decision to spend it rather than tell OP, you know I'm not much for saving, I'm going to spend my bit. What are you going to do about it?

He thinks saying sorry is ok for breaking his word and she'll stick around for more of the same. If she tolerates this, she's taught him he can get away with not pulling his weight financially and lying to her is ok.

With respect why are you looking at houses without any kind of convo about deposit and affordability? It's a bit ass backwards. I don't think it is worth ending a relationship over. You want control that you never asked for...

This. I’d really struggle to be in a relationship with someone so financially irresponsible, especially since it could go on to affect your child in future too. Lying about money is a huge red flag!

I’d seriously consider separating and absolutely never get married to him or have and joint accounts.

For God’s sake don’t do this. He’ll be tempted to spend what you put in.

No, none of it is ok. But what I did see in the OP's post that she is very upset at the idea of them splitting up. For me that should count for something, a second chance if she is feeling generous about it. Not a third, fourth etc chance, or spending her life with someone financially irresponsible, but a chance for him to put it right once.

What??? That’s the bar?

OP, your partner has been dishonest and allowed you to shoulder the saving burden while he spent as he pleased.

I’m gobsmacked that severals responses have said that since he didn’t spend it on sex workers this is ok, it’s not. You deserve better.

please don’t buy a place with or get married to this person until you’re both on the same page financially.

financial boundaries and expectations are so important x

There is all need to talk and "check in" . Impossible discussion wouldn't be had in that years.
House prices have gone up, we might need to rethink deposit.
How much is you interest? Is it better than what I have?
Need to keep eye on debt and credit score for the mortgage.
Do you think we need to save big more for some furniture?

Million possible questions which should have brought the topic up. So either none of them absolutely didn't mention it or he actively lied.
Former is a weird communication problem which really doesn't lead to great life together.
The latter is active lie and absolutely not fine and doesn't lead to great life together.

Just buy your own property in your name only if have enough deposit saved

Don't plan a future with a man who is not fully committed to you.

Don't plan a future with a man who lies and wastes money he was supposed to use for you and the child you have together.

This has red flags all over it.

Yes, reconsider the whole relationship.

Whilst he is at fault for not saving and lying about it, you're both at fault for not working on your finances together. You should be going through your budget, savings etc together and both be on the same page of what's going on not everyone doing their own thing.

And yes the fact you started viewing houses without being on the same page about how much you both have saved etc is a strange way to go about it.

I do not blame you for wanting to end it and yes you should feel betrayed but maybe you're both not financially compatible, the fact you keep your finances so separate that you don't even know if he has not been saving for a house for years says a lot.

If you're going to stay and make it work you both need the commitment to be on the same page and yes I agree it's more him than you but I also expect he would resist because he wants the freedom to spend his he wants without you holding him accountable.

Unfortunately that never works, when you know one spouse is so bad with money the best option is to both work on it together and hold yourselves accountable not turn a blind eye and leave him to it.

This means both working on a budget, both sticking to a budget, both making decisions together and yes I get you keeping accounts separate to protect yourself that's smart but you still need visibility and transparency. Making decisions on major spendings, making decisions on investment and pension plans etc. that's what it means for a couple to work together.

And these are the things to take I to consideration and sort out before having children. So as I said in my last post, for this to work he has to be ready to be open and transparent if not then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay and keep things as they are or move on.

We have a Google sheets that we use for budgeting and planning that we both have access to, we have joint and separate accounts and we have transparency, I do not go checking to every time because there is transparency and we have adult conversations about where we are, what we need to spend, our savings and investment goals etc and we both have access

Honestly, yes, get on and do it by yourself. Your partner isn't mature enough to be honest with you. He's still a child. You can't co-parent successfully with someone who lies.

"I don't know where the money goes, he just depends it" isn't really the correct attitude here though. You live together, so you must know how he spends it, you must see the results of his excess spending? Either you've buried your head in the sand for 2 years or he's spent it on a secret addiction (coke, prostitutes, gambling)?

If it's not and addiction he's been feeding, and he makes a concerted effort now, he could probably make up the difference in savings a year or so. You'd only be a year behind schedule.

It could be worse. Friends of mine saved for years for their wedding and a house deposit. A few weeks before the wedding she broke down and told him that she had spent the entire lot on fruit machines (they’re called ‘pokies’ here in Australia). It was $135k.

He forgave her, they got married. The marriage lasted 2 years.

OP, some people are just crap at saving. You need a better strategy if you want to stay with him.

Several PPs have asked what he's wasted the money on and you're not saying.
If he's spent it on tangible things like clothes, nights at the pub or a hobby, he's selfish (as well as a liar).
If he doesn't even know himself how this money slipped through his fingers, he's financially immature and irresponsible, and you need to do some serious joint financial planning if you intend to stay together and buy a house. And he'll need to be completely open about his income and outgoings.

He doesn't want to buy a house with you. That's why he's sabotaged this for years.

Thank you for all the responses, especially the kinder ones. I need kindness at the moment. I’ll read everything and let it set in.

He has lied to you and been irresponsible - this attitude to money will not change and end up being a huge source of resentment.
As someone who has divorced an inveterate liar and someone hopelessly with money, I wouldn’t ever want to hitch my wagon to someone similar again

As for those saying you should have held him to account, well other than victim
blaming, once again it shows his childishness and how you’ll have to do all the financial heavy lifting in your relationship. Start saving for his retirement too!!

This is what I think

Dont take any notice of the OP blaming and nasry comments OP. Mumsnet seems to attract these types.
You shouldnt have to micro manage a grown man.
All I can say is I was married to a man like this for 20 years, it was exhausting constantly trying to manage his mess and its a relief that he's gone now and isnt messing up my retirement.
My DS and his partner both paid into an ISA for their home. His partner isnt good with money so she gave him her share each month on pay day and it went into their joint ISA which they regularly checked and now have a lovely home. After bills etc he money was her own. They dont have any children.
It shouldnt be such hard work OP.

Apologies if my first comment was too blunt OP ❤

This is an awful thing to come out of nowhere. He's lied to you for two years. He knew it would delay your plans for the future. He knew the day would come when you'd want to start viewing houses, knowing you couldn't buy one. I don't think I could get past that.

Being bad with money is an excuse. He could have come to you two years ago for help with this. You could have had a joint account that required both signatures for a withdrawal or he could have transferred the money every payday to your savings account.

My friend's partner blew their joint savings on a classic car. I asked if there was a future with this bloke as he'd openly put back their plans to buy a house and did he really want to move in with her. She doubled down and insisted on just replacing the money herself.

He turned out to be one of those men who think children are a woman's hobby and she paid all the childcare. She had about £100 a month to herself for years. He spaffed his wages up the wall every month going away, drinking with his mates and buying designer clothes.

You get what you settle for I guess.....

I think that the lack of saving illustrates that he’s bad at managing money, that he will lie (though it’s a bit strange you had no idea this wasn’t on track for three years), but more than that… your family’s future has not been a priority for him or he doesn’t not agree with your vision of it.

Have a conversation around why that’s the case. It could be that he doesn’t want to get a mortgage - are you on a good deal as renters? Is his job precarious or maybe open to moving town?

if you don’t like the answers or he doesn’t stick to what is then agreed, then maybe you need to seriously consider if things can get better with this man.

There’s 2 types of people one who are good with money and ones that aren’t
they don’t change
he’s probably never budgeted in his life his idea of saving will be I’ll save what’s left which will be nothing
other people save first then budget with what’s left

I can’t believe that there were never any conversations about how much you were both saving each month, how much that totalled, how that would look as a deposit etc over the last three years? It sounds like you both had a conversation three years ago where you ‘decided to save’ and have not discussed it at all since! I’d work on your joint communication skills before committing to a house.