Partner lied about saving for house deposit, should we separate

[Sosadsad]

My partner and I have a nearly 3 year old. When our child was born, my partner agreed to start saving every month for a house deposit. Recently I started requesting house viewings so we can buy our first house (currently renting). My partner broke down and told me that he only saved for a year and then stopped. He’s wasted what he could’ve saved. I’m so upset. He is an involved dad but I think we’ll need to separate and I’ll need to buy on my own. I’m sure other women have been in this position but I feel so upset about the idea of separation.

Can he tell you what he was spending on?

I’d worry there are things he’s hiding that is costing money, like gambling/porn addiction/some other addiction.

He demonstrated that he is unreliable, i’d have issues with that.

The thing is you can’t trust him, he’s lied for 2 years knowing it would prevent you from getting a house together. if you stay together the more emeshed you become (mortgage, marriage) the harder it is to get out and tbh the less likely he will be responsible with money if he knows you will bail him out. He’s a grown adult if he wanted to make the effort he would have.

The discussion they had at the start before agreeing to save for a deposit is the conversation.

if we save X each month we’ll have Y available at the end of year 1, etc.

are we really going to call out the OP for not checking in with her “partner” when it is him who has been deceitful about something for 2 years and only spoke about it when she brought it up!

She believed she did know because she believed her partner had been honest!

each put away £X a month with equate to £Y at the end of 3 years and that’s our deposit!

he is supposed to be her partner, a responsible adult (and now a parent)

he chose to be deceitful, spend instead of saving and keep it from his partner. And he don’t even choose to come clean until it was time to start putting their plan of house buying into action!

Or maybe she is sad and upset about the whole situation?

maybe all of the posters blaming her for not checking up on a grown adult who made an agreement with her have made her not want to say much.

I can’t say I blame the OP, she is being blamed for not checking up on him, being unsure about how her future goes now and this is about her child’s parent! That’s a lot of “harsh reality” to be dealing with

I’m not blaming her, and in my previous post I said it wasn’t her responsibility to ‘check up’ on him but I can’t believe in a partnership neither party has said in three years, how’s your saving going, is the rate we agreed still sustainable etc. That’s a really normal conversation to be having multiple times in that period. They may have and he may have lied, in which case, it’s totally a LTB situation but she hasn’t answered that at all.

We also don’t know if there earnings are comparable, whether he’s financed her mat leave, any large family purchases etc. Too many unknowns to simply say he’s at fault.

The first few years as parents are so expensive. Not just nursery etc, but it's a whole change of lifestyle and it's easy for money to get frittered away. It's also easy to have ambition to save, but struggle in reality. I'd be concerned if he'd repeatedly lied about it (explicitly, not just by omission), or if he'd clearly splurged and wasted it, but I don't get how your weren't checking in with eachother before you started viewings.

If this is enough to split your relationship and make you leave the father of your child, rather than work it out then long term your relationship would have been doomed anyway. People screw up in relationships and as long as it's not something you can't come back from (cheating, abuse etc), then I'm a believer in trying to work things through, especially if there are kids involved. Your heart clearly isn't into l forgiving home and working though it, so don't. That's not a criticism btw, it just shows that your feelings aren't perhaps strong though to work through difficulties, and that in itself is indication that maybe it's not the relationship for you.

1. We agreed a minimum to save each month. I didn’t want to ask to see his savings as that would show lack of trust.
2. My salary is higher than his but he isn’t on minimum wage or part time or anything.
3. I funded my mat leave.
4. I am reluctant to answer other prying questions here because some women have blamed me and there’s no point arguing with people like that. This thread made me realise that I’m doing the right thing for me and my/our child.

They are a couple, 2 adults who agreed to both save in preparation for a house deposit.
what their incomings/outgoings are and comparable or not are almost irrelevant.

they both agreed they would save £X amount for so long.
he not only went back on that agreement, but has not told his partner he stopped saving until it should have been time for them to combine their savings into the deposit.

getting bogged down in the amounts, who checked in, who asked questions are pointless details.

he agreed to do something for them, as a family, and not only went back on it, but wasn’t even honest about it, for 2 years!

so for 2 years he allowed his partner to think everything was fine, they were both happily saving for their joint future, while he knew that wasn’t the case.

@Sosadsad you trusted your partner and had no reason to think anything other than what you both agreed to, was being fulfilled.
it is not your fault that he chose to go back on that deal and deceive you for 2 years.

if he’d come to you and said “I’m really struggling with saving at the moment, can we chat about things?” You probably would’ve been open to it. But it’s the deceit and the lies that hurt more than the actual action.

I'm so sorry that someone you love has put you in this position

Working on finances as a couple and holding each other accountable doesn't mean you don't trust him even though in this case you have every right not to trust him because he already messed up even before this situation.

To me the fact you can't even come together to discuss your finances like a couple working together says a lot about the communication and relationship and yes you are right to walk away.

But my point still remains even if you get into another relationship unless you want things at arms length, no commingling etc you need to be working together, setting budgets together, making decisions together etc not just say he committed to x and I didn't check for 3 months if not it would be like I didn't trust him. That's not how a partnership works.

I do wish you all the best and I'm glad you're in a good place financially so you're not dependent on him and have the option to make the best decision you think is right for you.

Here is an article about money and relationships, maybe it will explain my point better:

https://www.guardianlife.com/financial-strategies/couples

"Finally, you should commit to having regular discussions about money, lifestyle, and spending. Make it a point to periodically review your overall financial life together, including goals, account details, and asset allocations, to ensure you are making informed financial decisions and staying on the same page as a couple. Circumstances and needs are sure to change — for better or worse — throughout the course of a marriage. But whatever issues you face, regular communication will leave you better prepared to address the changes and handle the challenges together."

So yes he failed you and he needs to own that but I also don't agree with your approach if not having any discussions or checks for 3 whole years under the guise of "it would show lack of trust him". That's not how finances and relationships work, that is burying your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine when deep down you know it isn't.

That is avoiding difficult conversations instead of building a stronger relationship where everything is on the table and you're both on the same page or you realize earlier (preferably before you had a baby) that you're not compatible and walk away instead of waiting until you have a baby and 3 whole years already viewing houses before you realize he hasn't even saved anything. These are the things that form a solid foundation for a relationship and is the difference between a solid relationship where you work together and roommates sleeping with each other and having kids.

This.

Same here. I have money saved for DS.

DH earns more than me. No savings…

He just doesn’t really understand money.

Regularly runs out & expects me to cover.

Is he kind ? A good dad ? A good partner? Does he do his fair share of housework ? Do you love him?
Seems very final to split up over his lack of money management. Wouldn't it have been a far more sensible decision longterm to give him another chance and help him manage his money better.

OP

You need to take off your rose tinted glasses and communicate with your partner.

Buying a house is a HUGE financial commitment - you should have communicated all the steps of the way and in fact discussed how much you have saved before viewing houses.

Did you got an AiP - most estate agents won’t proceed with viewings until you have one in place - so that you are wasting multiple parties time.

so - yes - I think you’re at fault OP.

if you love him and otherwise have a good relationship, then separating seems excessive. He is at blame for not being honest about saving, but some people find it hard to save and he probably didn't want to face up to it. You are partly at fault for not having any discussions about it and just assuming.
If you separate over this you will not be better off - it will be more expensive for you and unsettling for your child. It's not impossible to work through- you could protect your deposit, he could pay more towards the monthly costs etc.

You surely must have had progress chats about how much you were both saving - nearly there now - oh let’s not go to x as nearly at our target - let’s save on x then we’ll get our deposit quicker type thing?

I can’t believe for 3 whole yrs this never came up?

Clearly not!!

MN have a very low bar when it comes to relationships. Expectations of men are on the floor. As long as he’s nice and pays half of the bills, it’s alright and you should put up with it. Any failure to adult on his part can be fixed by you mothering him.

You’re right to have standards. What kind of absolute baby can’t save each month when they have enough disposable income to do so? And you funded your own bloody maternity - you went through pregnancy and the ordeal of bringing the baby into the world whether that was childbirth or a c section and this prince couldn’t even put his hand in his pocket!

This boy has shown he’s not your equal.

Working on finances as a couple and holding each other accountable doesn't mean you don't trust him even though in this case you have every right not to trust him because he already messed up even before this situation.
To me the fact you can't even come together to discuss your finances like a couple working together says a lot about the communication and relationship and yes you are right to walk away.

Completely agree @Ilovelifeverymuch

2 things can be true. To be clear it’s not her fault and she is not to blame. I also don’t blame her in walking away. Something about this man strikes me as immature and deceitful and irresponsible. It’s one thing struggling to save but it’s another thing to keep quiet about it for 3 whole years and effectively place the entire burden on buying a house on your partner without their consent. Hearing she funded her maternity makes this even worse.

That said I do find it weird not to have discussed progress in savings at all in three years. OP had every reason to not fully trust him since he had issues with finances before.

But even if he was financially responsible and she did trust him - it’s still normal to check in at least annually if not more.

Because things happen and people can slip up. They dip into their savings then forget to put it back is a common one or they may cancel the standing order to their savings one month when they have an unexpected bill and then forget to reinstate it.

I find it weird that you both haven’t checked in with each other regularly (like every 3 months) to see how much savings you have, whilst discussing house deposits/ mortgages/ budgets. It’s not your fault he didn’t save obviously but you’ve been naive and you both don’t sound very in tune/ compatible with each other.

If I have agreed with my partner to save £200 a month each then I would expect him to be a big boy and do what he's promised to do and as a big boy to tell me of any problems he encountered doing it. Anything else is treating him as a little boy. If OP could keep to her side of the agreement easily why would she assume he isn't? The excuses people give for men not stepping up beggars belief some days.

I think this is the right decision.

Not because he deceived you, not because you both failed to keep discussing it over the years, but because you are financially incompatible.

What I mean by that is that you are able to save, able to restrain yourself, defer gratification, go for the cheaper option, etc., and he can't or doesn't. He spends what he has. There is an immaturity about him, a lack of restrain, a sense of needing instant gratification, or a sense entitlement to have the best or the latest thing, to put 'enjoying himself now' ahead of future happiness and ahead of shared goals with you.

Don't ever get into someone whose fundamental values and beliefs about life are different to yours. Attitude to money is one of those fundamental values.
So you and he are incompatible for a successful long-term partnership.

@AutumnFroglets it’s not about him being a man. It’s about as a couple having ongoing conversations about your life plans- ‘oh I’ve seen a house for sale, it’s X amount. I wonder could we afford it. I’ve x amount in my savings, how much have you got? That’s x amount for a deposit. I might check what mortgage we can get’. They were just normal conversations when dh and I were house hunting for the first time. Agreeing an amount to save then not discussing it for 2 years is weird imo.

And luckily the OP must have escaped the same Cost Of Living crisis I assume! Or made long term changes to short term habits for a long term goal. It isn't about saving, its about being a team and truth telling. Six months maybe recoverable two years is a long time.
Money matters. Families get more expensive as the children grow. This is a faultline now; in ten years it's an earthquake ready to explode at any time.