Partner lied about saving for house deposit, should we separate

[Sosadsad]

My partner and I have a nearly 3 year old. When our child was born, my partner agreed to start saving every month for a house deposit. Recently I started requesting house viewings so we can buy our first house (currently renting). My partner broke down and told me that he only saved for a year and then stopped. He’s wasted what he could’ve saved. I’m so upset. He is an involved dad but I think we’ll need to separate and I’ll need to buy on my own. I’m sure other women have been in this position but I feel so upset about the idea of separation.

Money doesn’t just disappear. I’d be wanting to know exactly what it’s been spent on and have sight of bank statements for last 3 years.

Any gambling or drink/drugs. Where does it go? Run them through ChatGPT and it’ll tell you clearly.

Worst advice you could possibly give!! He can’t save and has been spending money, why on earth would OP put her saved money into a joint account with him?

Whether Op asked before she booked house viewings or asked after, the outcome is still the same! He has no savings

And I agree. No joint account. You can have a joint budget but no joint accounts.

How much have you saved.

Who pays for Christmas and the extras?

Finding the idea of chatgpt having my bank accounts for last 3 years quite uncomfortable tbh😬

What's the saying - when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. You want a home and security for your child. He doesn't. It doesn't get more incompatible than that, surely. I couldn't forgive this.

Meh. It doesn’t bother me. But you can do the maths and budget manually if you want but it is important to see spending patterns.

I'd want to know what he wasted the money on . If it was gambling, drugs or booze it would be bye, bye, from me

Personally I'd put house plans on hold or go solo.

Everytime you discussed it, he has lied.

And maybe he is bad with money or has struggles but he wasn't honest. It was a good way to model how you can work towards financial goals together - and he has buried his head in the sand, made multiple poor decisions and just ignored the growing issue. Only coming clean when the issue was forced.

If he had communicated or asked for help budgeting or any proactive step my response would be different.

But do you want to financially tie yourself to someone who can't save ANYTHING for 2 years? Who is not open, not honest and doesn't communicate?

He's financially incompetent. He can't budget. I'd never open a joint account with him or have a joint investment like a house. You could buy the house yourself in your name but then you could never get married to him or you could break up with him because he's lied to your face every time you discussed buying the house. You could still coparent with him even if you were no longer in a relationship.

I have been in this position and I left. No regrets.

Weird. Why not have one account and just be open about finances. Prepared to take on all this financial commitment but not see each others financial balances.

I could not be with a liar.

And someone who wasn’t honest about their finances would really worry me.

I’d also wonder whether he was serious about the relationship and wanting to move in together.

Was this a case of starting and then simply forgetting?
Eg A Christmas was tight or he had a lower income or changed jobs and stopped doing it for a couple of months and then forgot to restart?

Or was there a regular conversation about when you one day move and he intentionally chose to stop saving?

What is his explanation?

At the very least, I would not be buying anywhere for another year at least and see if any other issues arise.

This^^
He is an unsuitable person to build a life with ...he lied and chose to be selfish.

Sorry OP

If you want to stay with him they he needs to let you take control and admit he can’t be trusted. Would all the rent and nursery being ‘his’ bill for now allow you to save more? And then you buy tougher? Otherwise you can buy somewhere outright and just charge him rent so that you can keep finances separate and safely in your name?

I disagree about having a joint savings account.

Everyone needs their own account and their own savings account.

If you want a joint one too then that’s fine as it makes it easier for bills, but things like this is exactly why you need separate ones.

You’d have put 3 years worth of savings into it and he could have just taken it all out.

It would have also prompted him to save and you’re not his mother and he is capable of figuring it out for himself if he genuinely wanted to.

What sort of relationship is this?

If he can’t be trusted to be an equal partner, then he doesn’t deserve to be one.

OP is not his mum.

He obviously isn’t as committed to this relationship as she is.

Nail on the head. Financial attitude conflicts have always been my red line. It's not just that he's not saved, he's lied to you about it, so there's dishonesty as well as lack of financial compatibility. He'd rather spend/waste the money than "invest" in your family/household future - says it all really. Get rid.

Do you earn roughly the same amount? Were you to save the same amount?

Are your earnings the same? Outgoings the same? Eg does he have financial commitments you don't have such as car finance etc.
Did he struggle to save because he didnt have much disposable income left each month.
I don't think there enough information in your post.

Yes, good idea to get a proper analysis of where it's gone, but that still doesn't deal with the deceit, and even if it's not spent on immoral things, he's still "wasted" it when you were saving together for your future. It's not as if he's been spending it on building up a container full of furniture, wallpaper, etc for the new house is it??

I don’t think I could get past being so financially irresponsible that he spaffed the money rather than providing for his child.

He’s lied to you op by failing to tell you that he’s not been saving for a deposit on a home. This is a big deal in my view. He can’t be trusted with finances and in the future will cause you stress and resentment. I would think
long and hard before committing to a future with someone like this.

The issue isn't merely that he didn't save.

It's the fact he thought it ok to conceal this fairly fundamental issue regarding your collective future for two years.

You'll never trust him again.

What has he been spunking the money on instead? It's selfish behaviour which isn't centring HIS CHILD first.

Bin him.

Some of the tone in this thread of berating OP as to how she didnt know and why wasnt she checkin his savings is akin to turning her into his mother. His responsbility to say 'Ive stopped the savings at the moment as I cant afford it' or whatever his reason was

OP, I think its over. However should you decide to continue the relationship, do not marry, do not buy the house in joint names, do not have any joint accounts or savings with him. Buy the house in your name only, dont put him on the deeds or mortage even if it means a smaller property. Make him pay a contribution to bills, food, child related needs, holidays etc so that later he has no claim on any increase in property value.