Partner lied about saving for house deposit, should we separate

[Sosadsad]

My partner and I have a nearly 3 year old. When our child was born, my partner agreed to start saving every month for a house deposit. Recently I started requesting house viewings so we can buy our first house (currently renting). My partner broke down and told me that he only saved for a year and then stopped. He’s wasted what he could’ve saved. I’m so upset. He is an involved dad but I think we’ll need to separate and I’ll need to buy on my own. I’m sure other women have been in this position but I feel so upset about the idea of separation.

Yes I would leave he has kept this from u all this time he has repeatedly lied to you and can’t be trusted. He has sat back and enjoyed his money that should’ve been going to put a roof over his child’s head, while u have stuck to the plan and done without. Get rid of him. Go by yourself, least u won’t let yourself down, like he will.

Great advice. OP, just hop into your Time Machine and go back to when you first realised that he was not good at saving money and have a second crack at avoiding this situation 🙄

It's not the fact that he's not a saver that's the problem. It's the fact that he's a liar.

The bar for men on here is in hell.

And this is why you should be in a better position before you decide to have a child with someone I am afraid.

Came to say this, I didn't start seriously looking and viewing houses until I had a mortgage in principle. As soon as you make an offer the EA will want to see proof of funds before putting the offer forward

Tbh both are problems for anyone who doesn’t want to live week-to-week or financially prop up another adult.

Going out on a limb here, but say the original discussion was to save £100 each a month… why would she need to “occasionally ask” how much he had saved? It would be the same amount she had saved!

if they had a conversation about both saving monthly, I would guess they had a general idea of having a deposit by X date. The discussion was there, pre starting to save.

there should be no need to “check in” to make sure your life partner was holding up their side of the bargain - this is someone you trust, you’re in a relationship with!

he has broken that trust, by not sticking to what he agreed and not being honest about it!

Splitting up with a proven liar who is shit with money is insane? WTAF??

Staying with him would be letting her bar drag through the gutter

Well you can't fix the lack of savings now, so its how you move forward that counts. If you want to continue the relationship, sit down together and review your incomings and outgoings, check you credit files, full transparency for you both. Tell him that if he won't or doesn't adhere to it, it maybe time for you to separate.

Then decide what you can both afford to put aside each month and tell him to open a savings account for this specific purpose and then he sets up a standing order to transfer the money to the savings account as soon as he is paid. Every few months you can review what you are saving, There maybe some months you can put more in and some it will be less i.e Christmas.

If you buy together, own it as Tenants in Common as then you each own a defined share of the property (e.g., 70/30, 60/40, 80/20). Shares can reflect unequal deposits or unequal mortgage contributions. If one of you dies, your share goes to whoever you name in your will, not automatically to your partner. Good for Protecting a larger deposit, blended families, couples who want clarity and fairness, Avoids disputes if the relationship ends

You pair this with a Declaration of Trust (also called a Deed of Trust). This document sets out:

• Who put in what
• Who owns what percentage
• How equity will be divided if you sell
• What happens if one partner pays more of the mortgage later

This is the standard, sensible route for unmarried couples with unequal contributions.

CliantheLang

CamillaMcCauley

from the way op talks in particular her well he’s an adult comment, and the fact she assumes first port of call is to split up, I’d guess he’s not a saver and dodged telling her (yes lied) because she’s so full on about saving. I don’t think the bar is always set low for men, I honestly think some women set the bar to unachievable standards, the op could have set out a plan for them together and maintained communication

Too late, I'd have thought.

Same here. He's now Ex DH and claims he can't count

My ex lied about saving for our wedding. 18 months (if not sooner ) he cheated and ended our marriage. If he can lie now….

What do you mean about “full on about saving”? They made a plan three years ago and she has assumed he has been sticking to it since, just like she has. What’s full on about that?

If the OP has managed to stick to the agreement, it’s hardly unachievable, is it? 😂

Sounds like you want to buy a house and he doesn’t. If he wanted to he would have saved up.

CamillaMcCauley

I’d call it full on if someone put a plan in place and then spoke about dumping me if I hadn’t followed said plan and just because she achieved it doesn’t mean it’s achievable for him, everyone has different ideas about savings/ necessities etc

She didn’t “put a plan in place”, they agreed to a plan together and he followed it for a year (so clearly not unachievable for him). Thereafter he lied to her by omission about stopping saving for two years, which is just as much of a problem if not more so than the failure to stick to the agreement.

You seem desperate to make the OP to blame for her partner’s faults.

CamillaMcCauley

ah I don’t know, I’m just married to a saver and I’m not one- he’d literally forgo everyday things to keep money in the bank. I could see how her dp might go along with a plan or idea but not be able to stick to it and was just a bit shocked someone with a baby would jump to we have to break up now don’t we. There’s a thread about people who make threads about them and maybe I’m doing this I just think if otherwise they’re solid it seems mad to me, sorry if I’m going on too much, long day at work and back in tomorrow first thing!

And didn't bother telling OP he couldn't save anything any more. 2 years of deceiving. Nice.

This is terrible advice. Don’t put personal info like this into AI

He's been on the financially incontinent side since you've been together. He promised to start saving for a house but spent it instead.

You're on 2 separate pages financially and incompatible. He did not keep his financial promise to you. That bodes poorly for staying together, financial incompatibility is a huge factor in relationship breakdowns. He doesn't share your goals of getting a house and saving for it. Yes, it's time to leave unless you want to stick around a spendthrift partner who doesn't keep his word.

I’d be disappointed in him. He sounds pathetic. If he didn’t want to save for it or couldn’t afford to he could’ve said there was an issue . But by not saying anything and not trying to work out a solution with you, he has quietly moved all the responsibility onto you.

You’ve literally risked your body and life to bring his child into the world and you were presumably only asking for him to bring in around half of the deposit - and he can’t be bothered doing that. It’s all a bit selfish and immature.

I’d also be concerned about the deception.

If you do stay with him and buy the house, don’t put him on the deeds and try to keep your finances separate until he proves he can budget and save.

Sometimes people muck up, sometimes they muck up big time. Up to you of course, but if it was me I'd give him a chance to put things right. See if he'll save over the next year and put off buying for a while longer.
He pays half of everything with you now, so it's not like he is totally bad with money and expects you to sub him with bills or borrowing to pay so at least that's something.

Yes, you should separate.

He's financially irresponsible and he's lied.

You can't and honestly you shouldn't trust him.

If he's going to grow up, it needs to be with someone else. You have been too sensible to hitch yourself to a man-child who's proven himself feckless and dishonest.

This saving was for the purpose of buying a house where his child could live, which makes his irresponsibility all the worse. Im not surprised you feel betrayed.

If you do this, OP, don’t get married or he will could get half if you split. Make him transfer money from his bank account to your bank account with the reference ‘rent’ in case you ever end up in a divorce lawyer’s office.