Partner lied about saving for house deposit, should we separate

[Sosadsad]

My partner and I have a nearly 3 year old. When our child was born, my partner agreed to start saving every month for a house deposit. Recently I started requesting house viewings so we can buy our first house (currently renting). My partner broke down and told me that he only saved for a year and then stopped. He’s wasted what he could’ve saved. I’m so upset. He is an involved dad but I think we’ll need to separate and I’ll need to buy on my own. I’m sure other women have been in this position but I feel so upset about the idea of separation.

don't be with someone you can't trust.

i bet there's been times when buying a house has come up like when you dream about the future a bit. or sometimes just normally when the rent's gone up again or you want to change something in your current place but can't because it's rented.

life is hard enough as it is. don't be with someone you can't rely on and who doesn't have the same goals. you've been saving every month for a roof of your own for security for your kid because that's your priority. where has his money been going?

anyone can stand there and say words and big up all the stuff they are gonna do, but it's the actions that tell you who they are underneath. if he's frittered his spare cash away and said nowt then that tells you who he is.

I think this is the bigger issue.

You need to be able to have honest conversations about money, and it sounds like you cannot.

To be at this point and to have no idea what each other are saving each month, and how much you have together - that suggests that communication is your issue, not finances.

Agree with one or two others that when you’re at the point that you’re about to view houses to buy together, but you don’t know how much your joint deposit is then I think your communication issue is bigger than your financial incompatibility.

I’m sorry op i find this whole situation really bizarre.

Why would you start requesting house viewings without having a discussion first about how much has been saved and how much you can afford? We spoke to a mortgage advisor before we started looking at houses.

I'm a little surprised at some of these responses.

He told the OP he'd save and she took him at his word. It's not on her to nanny him to save or have a joint account to check up on him - which he could potentially then abuse anyway.

It sounds OP like you're on very different pages financially and yes, I'd go ahead and buy on your own.

OP you now have an important decision to make. The fact is he is not financially trustworthy- can you live with that? If you did not have a child together I would recommend you leave but you do and you say in other ways he is a good dad. If you want to continue the relationship you will have to be good enough with finances for both of you.
If you proceed, I would buy a place in my own name only. He pays his share of bills (and rent perhaps) and he gives you a large additional sum for contribution to family life - for savings, holidays etc. All of this in accounts in your name only. He then has some pin money left for spending. Non negotiable set up. I’d warn him first sign of running up debt and hiding it from you, he is out! I’d run credit checks o him every few months to make sure he isnt lying too.You can’t marry him either. If after say a decade this has worked well and there is no repeat, you could possibly marry. I’d wait at least a couple of years before another child too. Do not be that wife who is left destitute in 20 years time when he has finally filed for bankruptcy after being bailed out by you all his life. You child deserves better.

I’m surprised you’re surprised. Buying a property is the biggest financial commitment you can make - I have never heard of anyone not knowing the amount of their deposit at the point of making appointments to view a house. Unusual is a bit of an understatement.

What is he spending his money on?

You can't run credit checks on someone without their agreement.

Are posters really missing the issue here? It's not about possible joint accounts or checking up on how money has been spent it's about lying. He's lied for several years, about money and allowed OP to make future plans based on planned and agreed on joint savings Meanwhile he's been hoping to get away with piggy backing on her savings to achieve goals he's doesn't care about enough to be honest about. The lying is the deal breaker even if you can work with the lack of savings. If you don't want to break up buy on your own with the money legally ring fenced and never marry him

I wouldn’t be with a man who looked me in the eyes and flat out lied to me for months and years, no.

Mismatch.

It’s very hard to save. Some people are better than others.

It’s a mismatch, find a way around it or leave him but don’t expect him to change, the same way you won’t change. This is who ye are.

Good luck x

DH and I saved up for over 18 months and after agreeing what we’d both saved I don’t think we discussed it much, if at all - I just assumed he was saving as agreed - as indeed he was.

He’s shown you very clearly that (1) he can’t be trusted and (2) he’s bad with money. There’s no future here that will work out well for you. You are absolutely correct in thinking you should move ahead on your own now. That instinct will serve you well, because if you go soft on him he will only learn that he can get away with dishonesty. Hopefully for him he will mature and grow up at some point but you are not responsible for that and it’s not likely to be soon.

I'd want to see his bank statements to ascertain his spending habits. I'd likely not buy a house with him.

Would you stay with him if he gave you complete control over the finances?

You are right to separate. He will not get better with money.

They obviously had an honest conversation about money after their child was born and they both agreed that they would save for a deposit on the house.

OP took him at his word and has now asked him how much he has saved as she wants to start looking at houses.

Her mistake was to take his promises to save on trust. His mistake was to save for a year, then stopping saving and spending all his savings without telling OP what he had done until she brought up the subject.

His fecklessness with money and his lying and deceit are the biggest issue. The lack of communication about their savings meant that he got away with it for longer than he should. It sounds as though lots of posters want to find a reason to blame OP.

Do not buy anything jointly with this man.

His financial irresponsibility will be the bane of your life.

He's an adult so you should not need to police his spending or saving.

He lied but now you have the truth. When someone shows you who they are....

What are you going to do @Sosadsad ?

@Sosadsad , I'm so sorry this has happened and I understand why you don't trust him enough to go forward.

You treated him like an adult (presumably you had a savings target), but he's proven he's financially irresponsible and not a man of his word. And at no point did he feel the need to be honest about his failure to maintain the target.

He sounds like a liability. I imagine if you don't dump him, you'll at least engage some decent legal advice to protect your interests until such time. How disappointing.

I no longer trust him. I’ve told him we are separating. It still hurts.

Depends - if you've both agreed you will save X a month, then you'd assume a certain deposit amount was accruing after a time. 3 years is a long time but perhaps her partner was simply telling her it was all in place.

I would also cut my losses. Life is too short to spend with someone who is totally irresponsible with money. Who wants to parent a grown adult - she already has a 3 year old.

So he thinks his desire to have spending money is more important than yours? Because you are saving, and therefore not having as much disposable money - and he just wants to keep having his usual amount of 'fun money', but is quite happy for you to not have nights out or takeaways or whatever you've been doing without to save for your half of the deposit? And then lies about it and pretends he was saving?

Is he gambling or does he just like living the high life? I can't honestly think of a good excuse for him to pretend to be saving and then lie about it.

Wait until you are not as angry to decide whether or not you want to leave him. Give yourself the space and time to make a plan, to decide what you want going forward, not just what you don't want. Have a goal you are moving toward, not an event you are fleeing. Flight is chaotic. Give yourself the grace period to calm down and to think through what you want, what your finances will look like and where and who you want to be moving forward.

He didn't spend all that money in a vacuum. You ignored it because you trusted him. You trusted him because you were in love. Love generates all these hormones that cloud thinking. So does anger. Anger clouds thinking for the same reason, different hormones. In both, the brain is awash in chemicals that are not normally present. Let your system flush and then make a decision when you are sober from the chemical cocktail.

Yes he is totally to blame and he broke her trust, but it's also weird to save for 3 years with no conversation about how it's going, how on track or not you both are to the extent she started viewing hisies without even know how much he has. That is sticking your head in the sand and avoiding difficult conversations especially when he has already shown her that is bad with money.

Couples should be working together and holding themselves accountable not go 3 years without any knowledge about what he has saved. It's obvious they are not on the same page and the trust is gone so she might as move on if they cannot find a way to work together.

Telling OP to go ahead and buy on her own without working on the relationship makes no sense and is just continuing to avoid dealing with the issue.

If they are staying together there has to be commitment to be transparent and open and they both make their budget together, hold each other accountable etc if not end the relationship and buy on her own. Buying on her own while staying in the relationship is not the right approach.

Yes he is totally to blame and he broke her trust, but it's also weird to save for 3 years with no conversation about how it's going, how on track or not you both are to the extent she started viewing hisies without even know how much he has. That is sticking your head in the sand and avoiding difficult conversations especially when he has already shown her that is bad with money

I agree.

This man has been both pathetic and deceitful as I’ve said upthread, but it does strike me as weird IF they haven’t ever discussed their savings in 3 years since the initial discussion to save for a deposit . Especially before booking viewings.

I had a friend who was saving for a deposit with her partner and even I knew how much savings they both had as she’d randomly bring it up to me when we spoke and tell me what progress they were both making towards their savings goal. Lol

Given your lack of responses on here, and one line replies there is very likely a bigger back story that you haven’t shared or your communication generally is very poor.