Shock dumping - why didn’t I see it coming?

[NoMumLeftBehindLiz]

I’m late 40’s, met him Online Dating, he had been single for a few years, no kids but married back in his 30’s. He is an open person, self-aware, caring, empathetic. We had a few coffee/dinner dates and decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend”, went on holiday together, no love bombing, didn’t talk much about the future, were just enjoying getting to know each other over 5 months, good sex, he met a couple of my friends, felt healthier than any other relationship I’ve had. Then a text out of the blue to say his feelings had settled into friendship.
As it was such a short relationship, two months later I thought I would have moved on by now. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to pinpoint the moment it changed or why I didn’t see it coming.
I’m re-reading text messages tonight and just cannot see anything that would be an indication. I’m resolved not to contact him.
How do you learn to trust people again when someone can shock you like this?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

Here is the thread OP.

There are more than one, and OP did change her user name in subsequent threads.

I’m sorry, this sounds tough and it can be a little destabilising when you feel something comes out of the blue as it can make you feel like you missed something. If looking for the positives, he was up front with you and didn’t waste your time. It also sounds like his life is a little complex which might be taking up his headspace too. I do think a lot of things are about timing and maybe that wasn’t right here.

I think it is good to analyse and I recommend that you do a general google on "avoidant attachment" which is the fancy name for commitment phobic on things like reddit etc and find out what normal people think about it. It might be what is going on. Because basically friendship is a pretty good start for a relationship, so settling into friendship feelings with someone who you have good sex with is actually settling down into normality and there may be 100 reasons why he can't or doesn't want to do that.

Or he may see it all differently from this, and friendship might have meant that he doesn't have strong feelings for you in terms of friendship or relationship or sex or anything.

Did he mean "let's be friends" or did he mean "i don't want to see you again"? You could respond by suggesting you just meet up as friends, and see if he takes you up on it.

It isn't true that everyone in their 50s will reject commitment. But a commitment phobe in their 50s will be just as hard work as when they were younger. Male or female.

Anyway, either way if you learn more about avoidant attachment that might be interesting, because it is interesting and worth knowing about imho, it is generally rooted in not having had healthy relationships modelled for them as a child, and emotional neglect and perhaps other childhood abuse, to such a serious level that they actually do not understand what intimacy looks or feels like and so rejects anything like that or that they do understand but can't bear the feelings it brings up in them... .

Sorry, long post. Good luck!

If he's not that into you, it's best that it ended at this stage than dragged on for years. It hurts but you had some nice times together and it's not meant to be.

OLD is a numbers game unfortunately people now are always looking to upgrade don’t like that term but you know what I mean. His loss he either got cold feet or met someone else.

Don't be sad when you find out he's not.

This is likely to be a "him" issue.

You don't shag your friends.

Its unfinished business for you as you weren't expecting it and he had time to make the decision and prepare himself, you did not. It came out of the blue for you.

Having said that, he seems to have been pretty open and honest although I think he owed you, telling you to your face. But in fairness, if he didn't feel any more than a good friendship, there isn't much to be discussed.

You are grieving for something that was snatched away, its normal but you need to start telling yourself that you deserve someone who wants you just as much, if not more than you want them and if he couldn't give you that, you are better off without it.

Hi OP. Just wanted to send some solidarity. Same thing has happened to me (twice!) and it really does hurt. I think logically you know that it's good to not be in a relationship with someone who's not feeling it, but it won't help the feelings of hurt and sadness you'll be experiencing right now. FWIW, man number 1 did come back and we made a go of it but I wish I hadn't- I brushed his behaviour under the carpet due to low self-esteem and ignored the red flags because I really wanted to be with someone. Wouldn't do that now! I think breaking up with you over text is a dick move tbh. You deserved a phone call at least, so you had the chance to ask any questions or get things off your chest. It wouldn't have necessarily given you any more answers though- just more of the "I'm just not feeling it" narrative. Could be true, might not be, but unfortunately you will probably never know. Sending hugs.

That's your answer then. It is nothing to do with any way you have acted, you couldn't have fixed this. How long had they been separated? Although in my experience men seem to add on a bit or a lot to their separation time.

I went on a date with a man many months back. Lovely guy. I knew before hand he had a daughter and had split from her mum years ago. On the date he said he had an adult son with another ex, thought OK. Then he said he shared a dog with a 3rd ex and seen her weekly. At that point I didn't care how lovely he was. The dog sharing is 1 ex too many in his life. Of course you have to accept it for a shared child, but a dog. No. Every ex in a life is a risk that old feelings will rekindle. I have seen many people on social media returning to an ex they share a DC with, months or in a few cases years down the line, both having other relationships in between. It is not worth taking the risk for a shared animal.

The hospital visit would have definitely stirred up feelings there. He may have realised he wasn't as ready to move on as he thought, even if they don't end up back together. He done you a favour as it isn't fare on you if his heart is elsewhere

This is a very thoughtful post.

Ending relationship is not a problem. What is a problem is, like in the OP's case, someone acting like everything is fine and then suddenly dumping their partner by text - out of the blue and without much explanation. After spending 5 months with OP, going on holidays with her etc he should have at least called her, and allowed her to ask questions. But most men are cowards and hate "drama" - ie seeing someone upset by their actions - so they prefer to act like nothing is wrong and then bail out by text.

And I also second that this guy had other people involved. In all my years of dating I can safely say if an average guy is free he will have several women on the go - not necessarily sexually, but he will have multiple interests (chatting to, meeting up for coffee, etc etc).

No, its the way that you do it that shows whether you have any class or not. Ghosting or dumping by text are arsehole moves. At least give the person who has wasted their time on you, and may have more feelings about it than you do, the dignity of a face to face conversation. Anything else is cowardly.

I have generally been the one who does the dumping and I make it a rule to tell them face to face. Be decent about it, you really are not that special.

OP said:

"did say something to him the last time I saw him like “does it bother you that you can’t meet my DC”"

She said her kids are ND and dont like change so this would be it for years. Dates and weekend breaks. Not a proper relationship with prospects or even freedom to drop round when you're bored.

Thats sometimes a big risk. The person could make a big scene or even get violent. You are safer doing it at a distance.

Just be grateful it didn’t go on for longer. He either met someone else (most likely) or realised he wasn’t that into you and it was unfair to carry on. Either way, at least he had the decency to tell you and didn’t just randomly ghost you like many do.

I don't think the OP has written anything to suggest he feared she might make a big scene or become violent though? If that was something he was concerned about, he could have at least called?

A lot of people don’t want that though, it is so awkward for them, they’d rather be told via text than have to sit through it. I think it’s fi’ne to say what works for you. And what you want, but you can’t lash out and decide everyone wants the same thing.

No, there are basic standards of human decency and courtesy.

Like I said: cowardly.

Not wanting to be abused doesnt make you a coward.

And that would include realising that not everyone works in the same way and some people would prefer a text

I think a lot of people responding here would make a scene in public if they were getting dumped. Shout, drink in the lap, that kind of thing.

PP Responses have gone weird now. Given all the info we have been given by OP, there is no reason for the ‘calm and respectful’ guy to have thought OP would make a scene or get violent, so any mention of that in this situation is projection and irrelevant. And the poster who said that dumping by text is what most people would want, I’dike to see any evidence for that, because I disagree- if it’s coming completely out of the blue, text dumping doesn’t offer the person being dumped a fair option of understanding why they’re being dumped. But I agree with another PP that making the effort to say it to their face is more full of human decency than by text, and respects the dumpee more.

What makes you think that? I don't think it's a typical response to being dumped. Cheated on, maybe, but not simply being dumped.

I think most people, if it wasn't something they saw coming and it was a relationship of any seriousness, go into shock and either don't say very much at all or instinctively go into a defensive mode and want to know exactly why or do their best to persuade the person to change their mind.

The usual dumping cliches, not feeling it, not ready for a relationship, the spark has gone, I see you more as a friend etc. don't lend themselves to that kind of reaction. And that's how most people get dumped in person, because most people who have the decency to do it face-to-face don't actually want to be unkind or cast themselves as a villain. The 'bad eggs' are far more likely to ghost or dump by text.