Shock dumping - why didn’t I see it coming?

[NoMumLeftBehindLiz]

I’m late 40’s, met him Online Dating, he had been single for a few years, no kids but married back in his 30’s. He is an open person, self-aware, caring, empathetic. We had a few coffee/dinner dates and decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend”, went on holiday together, no love bombing, didn’t talk much about the future, were just enjoying getting to know each other over 5 months, good sex, he met a couple of my friends, felt healthier than any other relationship I’ve had. Then a text out of the blue to say his feelings had settled into friendship.
As it was such a short relationship, two months later I thought I would have moved on by now. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to pinpoint the moment it changed or why I didn’t see it coming.
I’m re-reading text messages tonight and just cannot see anything that would be an indication. I’m resolved not to contact him.
How do you learn to trust people again when someone can shock you like this?

Perhaps it boils down to him simply being a coward (most men are imo), or perhaps he wanted to spare your feelings. Whichever one it is the disappointment in him must be gutting.

It takes a long time to really know someone and their true intentions.

I hope this thread helps you to put it to rest in your head 💐

This is absolutely typical of online dating - it’s so disposable to some. Men typically enjoy the first few months excitement then go off and find the same elsewhere. This also happened to me, he seemed to good to be true and as it turns out he was. I’ve completely given up. Yours is far from an isolated case trust me

It’s chemistry ….. you either have it or you don’t.

I've had some lovely lovely people in my life who’d have married me in a heartbeat but it just wasn’t right. No one else involved. No using … no drama … just not felt that chemistry that this was the person I wanted to be with forever.
Took a lot of years to find my now husband and really if you know you know!!
I know I broke hearts and I’m not heartless. It hurt that I hurt them.
Now I’m in the relationship that I always should have been in with a person I would never want to be without.
He's not feeling it with you long term and he’s had the decency to let you know. No ghosting. No bad vibes.
No one likes to be rejected and I’m sorry for you that you’ve been hurt. Far better that now than end up in the wrong relationship long term with someone that falls out of love with you.

Delete all the old messages, you’re screwing with your own head and it won’t get you anywhere. Take some time to heal and when you’re ready hop back on the dating horse

There's someone else. They never leave to be alone.

I think what is troubling you the most is that your intuition didn’t tell you something was up. It Has caused you to doubt yourself. Hence you have been scrolling through past messages trying to get clues. There are some things that we can never understand, and the best thing to do is to work at moving on from it and accepting that you will never know and that has to be okay. It’s painful and tough, but tell yourself you are good enough exactly as you are

The easiest thing to tell yourself that he just wasn't that into you. And that's ok. Someone else will be.

He really should have done the honourable thing and at least told you face to face . A text is the equivalent to that sex in the city episode 'dumped by a post it note'.

Just get back out there and start dating again. Don't waste too much of your time over thinking this. He has moved on and so must you.

5 months is no time at all when it comes to getting to know a total stranger. He obviously liked you enough to give things a go, but decided that you weren’t quite what he wanted long term. I don’t know why you think that something must have changed, I don’t think that it did necessarily. Unless you believe in love at first sight (which I don’t!), it takes time to figure out whether the person you are dating is someone you can truly love and see a future with. In this case he’s unfortunately decided that the feelings aren’t going beyond friendship.

There could be someone else, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case.

Dumping someone after 5 months by text is cowardly, hurtful and disrespectful and you deserve better. Had he asked for a meeting and explained his feelings you could have gone your separate ways without rancour..

There is nothing wrong with wanting a FWB relationship if both your intentions are aligned. As someone who is childfree, self sufficient (and always intended to stay that way) I have been in two of these "eternal boy/girlfriend" relationships where living together was never on the horizon. However in my case it was the opposite way. As soon as the DP began wanting me to meet his children or family I saw the writing on the wall. It was he who wanted more committment and not I. So the relationships ended. In both cases we met and discussed our reasons like adults. We ended without acrimony.

Exact same thing happened to me after 5 months although he ended it in person. I was devastated. You have to delete messages, it is just torturing yourself. My ex MIL used to say"you are where you want to be". Which is true of friends or relationships. Sadly he doesn'qt want to be with you. It's really hard, hang in there, it does get easier...promise

Goodness just delete his chats, messages and / delete his number. It’s the only way to do it so you are not constantly thinking he may get in touch and to get rid of the thought that you could contact him. 2 months in after a short relationship of just seeing each other at weekends he must have been bloody good in bed.

I found my old diary the other day. The boyfriend who dumped me at 16 was still saying a year later I was his perfect girl. Why did he dump me then?
The answer.... People are weird.
Sadly, this is not my only example of this.

You'll meet someone better suited to you I'm sure of it.

I think this is just a normal part of 'dating', sometimes breaking up does happen out of the blue at 3-6 months - this was always completely normal and often people don't really know the reason. It doesn't have to be another woman. He could genuinely just have decided you're not it for him and that's ok. You'll get through it even though it seems like you're dwelling a bit just now - also normal.

I used to go out with a guy when I was 19 for about 6 months. Absolutely mad about him. He broke up with me completely out of the blue, no explanation. About 6 months after that he got in touch to say he thought he had been a bit of a dick and he was sorry and did I want to meet for a drink. I didn't that time but I did keep in touch with him and we had a few on-off things over the next 10 years until I met my ex husband. He was always pretty keen when we met up and in hindsight I (understandably) held back. But I never did ask why he dumped me the first time 😅

Think o

Sent to soon🙈 Think of it this way. He really liked you, you had fun, but he started to think would he like to settle down with you and he thought your not the one. No reflection on you or him.

Just to say I’m sorry for the loss of an important relationship for you. But the best advice I’ve read is to figure out what you liked about the relationship and use that as a blue print for your next connection. I was very much in love with a boyfriend who promised to move to live with me in London from Australia — and then changed his mind in the course of an afternoon. I was heartbroken, but 5 years later I’m with a wonderful man who is completely honest and committed. So you don’t know who is coming next. Wishing you good luck!

It's easier to say not to read over texts or analyse a situation when this hasn't happened to you.. we all do this.
Get it out of your system and start to look forwards not backwards.
Think of a new hobby time with friends a holiday anything that will take your mind away from what has gone.
Be the best you you can be and your person will find you one day.
You may find you absolutely love being free and single I do .
It honestly makes a world of difference dhen you don't let a relationship define you.
He didn't feel the same way you did .. that's ok let him go .. you do you xx

I think this is part of the problem, he was really, REALLY, good in bed!

The one that got away is always a melancholy thing. Try again. Xxx

I would say beyond the third date, you deserve a face to face discussion to explain the end of the relationship. He is an arsehole for doing that.

Beyond the third date? 😳
Most of the time it's nowhere close to a relationship by then, I'd also think it came across as arrogant of someone to assume that their decision to not go further at that point warranted a face to face, like they'd be thinking 'omg she/he will be so heartbroken to lose me, I owe them the respect of at least breaking their heart to their face'. 😅

Most people would not want a face to face dumping so soon.

Have you looked into attachment styles- he sounds like a classic avoidant. Their discards sting the most. They typically do end the relationship very abruptly

🤣

this.

I didn't like the feeble " his feelings had settled into friendship" and then you never hear from him again.
And not having given you the opportunity to talk to him has left you wondering if it was something you'd said or if you'd done something differently. That's both dishonest, cowardly and cruel.

Please stop blaming yourself.
He was never going to say why or he would have talked to you. The reason probably wouldn't show him in a good light. Whatever it was, you deserved better treatment than that.

He wasn't the one for you, and that is NOT your "fault" in any way. In the long run its better that it ended sooner rather than later. It's hard but try to put it behind you and be thankful for a lucky escape from someone who turned out to have little care for your feelings. Sorry OP.

So sorry for what happened to you. The only thing I can think of is that he was in the friend zone all along. I had a very close girlfriend that she was with a guy for over a year and she was endlessly between the friendzone/boyfriend & girlfriend situation. She couldn't decide and in the end she decided to leave him as her feelings didn't get deeper. Stay strong! It’s not always like that!