Shock dumping - why didn’t I see it coming?

[NoMumLeftBehindLiz]

I’m late 40’s, met him Online Dating, he had been single for a few years, no kids but married back in his 30’s. He is an open person, self-aware, caring, empathetic. We had a few coffee/dinner dates and decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend”, went on holiday together, no love bombing, didn’t talk much about the future, were just enjoying getting to know each other over 5 months, good sex, he met a couple of my friends, felt healthier than any other relationship I’ve had. Then a text out of the blue to say his feelings had settled into friendship.
As it was such a short relationship, two months later I thought I would have moved on by now. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to pinpoint the moment it changed or why I didn’t see it coming.
I’m re-reading text messages tonight and just cannot see anything that would be an indication. I’m resolved not to contact him.
How do you learn to trust people again when someone can shock you like this?

Ending a relationship by text message like that after 5 months and a holiday together is awful. It doesn't give the other side the opportunity to ask any questions, hence closure is that much more difficult. It's rather callous and an emotionally mature person wouldn't do this. I might be cynical, but I am not sure I buy the "it settled into friendship" line, delivered by text without looking you in the eye. This might be a neutral excuse for an ex or another hitherto unavailable love interest suddenly being on the scene and guilt would be the reason for not ending things properly. Either way, it means you are better out of it in the long run and it's important to focus on that. Wishing you all the best and that you meet someone worthy.

Infuriating. And I agree op it’s so hard to throw yourself onto online dating when you know that when you finally meet someone you’re attracted to and get on well with they can end up like this!

I think this is v sensible, OP. Very few people can make this kind of mindset change as it takes work so they end up stuck in unnecessary negative emotions. So that’s your first “win” right there.
If you can concentrate on the positives and look at the situation logically, you’ll gain from it.
Dating apps are a minefield. We all know this. But you navigated them and found a good guy that you liked and respected. Second win. You know you can trust your judgment.
Going on holiday early on in a relationship can make or break it. You are living together for a period of time and seeing each other in a natural state - not just a short burst of excitement during a date or sleepover. It can really hasten the end of a relationship or cement it early on. Either way it’s a risk. Ditto introducing a new Romantic partner to family. Timing is everything. You can mitigate the risk by spending longer getting to know each other and building up slowly. Something to think about going forward. However, he’s made the decision after five months. If it was in evitable, he hasn’t dragged it out or strung you along. You haven’t wasted too much time. I’d see this as another positive.
He didn’t give a reason. You say what if it’s something about yourself that you already dislike which caused the split. That would play into your insecurities. But what if it’s something you really like about yourself that’s put him off, wouldn’t that be worse? Not knowing is difficult but knowing is hard. You can’t change the past. Make peace with not knowing because the honest answer is it could be nothing to do with you. Spending an evening in hospital with a sick partner and co-dog owner could have made him realise he still had conflicted feelings about her and now is not the time for him to jump into another relationship. Maybe he needs to sort his head out first. You should never change yourself to become more attractive to another individual and good partners love you warts and all. Chances are there is absolutely nothing you could have done to change his feelings because it’s not you, it’s him. You are good enough as you are. Take this as a signal to love and respect yourself. You’ll make it so much easier for others to love and respect you.
Finally, take off the rose tinted spectacles. think about all the things you liked about him and write them down. These are what you are looking for in a new partner. Then think about the things you didn’t like but were prepared to overlook. Write these down. In time, would these have grated on you? Be honest. Use this mindset change to realise you are a good judge of character, you are ready to meet someone and make a commitment at the level you have outlined above. Take all the learning from this relationship into your next one. Hearts get bruised when dating. Try to protect yourself in the early stages. There’s lots of time in the right relationship to fall in love.

Very much agree with dumpspirospero. Perfectly said. I would also prefer not to have a face to face dumping too

Sorry you're hurting OP

The text message thing is very rude - after 5 months, a holiday, and sex, why wasn't he suggesting meeting, or talking on the phone?

I do wonder if there were some unspoken signals you didn't pick up on earlier?

Was everything always 50/50 in terms of effort and communication and paying for things? What did you do in your time together? Was it more fun social things?

When you say he was empathetic and supportive was this actions (physically turning up to do something inconvenient for your benefit only) or talk/texting.

Was he integrating you into his family and friends?

I've learned the guys who really like me try to do more than expected, or everything.

Its not verbalised or negotiated.

They categorise me as someone they're serious about early on, then I'm their priority person.

I don't need to convince them how easygoing I am, they try to fit into my lifestyle and interests.

Their friends and family know who I am even if we haven't met, or they'll try to get me along to an event so their friends can see me.

They'll give me access to their home environment so I can have a key or see them any time. They want to send the message they are available.

It's not love bombing or lots of gifts or being a simp, but I know that if I messaged them with some random unreasonable request or some boring menial task they'd want to do it.

Honestly I reckon he’s probably dating someonelse he’s met on an app. That will fizzle out and no doubt he might text you in 6 months time “how’s things”

Don’t be second choice, don’t waste your time even thinking about him…, you deserve to be someone’s number one.

Honestly, who really knew who he was? You were probably still in the honeymoon phase. Of course, everyone has the right to end things as they choose. I notice you mentioned he was good in bed — that's a good sign, since others will also ignite your passion. So, lift yourself up and go find them. He was never the one, so don't beat yourself up. Instead, see the whole dating journey as a learning experience. Be selective; your children come first. They will accept it or not.
When he comes crawling back, which I suspect he might ignore him.

Sorry you are hurting, it’s happened to me before and it sucks

By text, that is low! Sounds to me that he found someone else and needed a fast exit and you dodged a bullet.

You mention he was good in bed, so that’s something important to you where as to a lot of people these days it doesn’t seem to be as high on the priority list Iv found. Hopefully to can meet a nice guy who is also good in bed and he can give you some faith in men again.

I had a really similar experience. I dated a guy for about four months, and it felt good—nothing super intense or full of fireworks, but comfortable and easy. I genuinely thought he felt the same way. He seemed to enjoy spending time together, everything felt normal.
Then out of nowhere, during one of our phone calls, he said he couldn’t do this anymore and needed time to think. I was completely shocked. A few days later, he texted saying it was over.

I kept going over everything in my head—like, if something was wrong, why didn’t he say anything? Were there signs I missed?

Funny enough, after that I met my now husband, and the difference was huge. With him, I felt so sure. I was crazy about him, and within two months I knew he was the one. Looking back, what I thought was “good and safe” before just doesn’t compare.

I think the hardest part is still not having had any warning. But I guess some people just don’t show what they’re feeling; they just decide and act on it.