Page 2 | Shock dumping - why didn’t I see it coming?

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 2026-04-09T02:20:37+00:00

I’m late 40’s, met him Online Dating, he had been single for a few years, no kids but married back in his 30’s. He is an open person, self-aware, caring, empathetic. We had a few coffee/dinner dates and decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend”, went on holiday together, no love bombing, didn’t talk much about the future, were just enjoying getting to know each other over 5 months, good sex, he met a couple of my friends, felt healthier than any other relationship I’ve had. Then a text out of the blue to say his feelings had settled into friendship. As it was such a short relationship, two months later I thought I would have moved on by now. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to pinpoint the moment it changed or why I didn’t see it coming. I’m re-reading text messages tonight and just cannot see anything that would be an indication. I’m resolved not to contact him. How do you learn to trust people again when someone can shock you like this?

FrauPaige · 09/04/2026 05:55

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz That perfectly normal question could have been the trigger, but if so, that signals that he wasn't a good fit for you. The correct response to you would have been that he would like to meet your DC when the time is right, and that he was sure your DC were fantastic because they have an amazing mother. The fact that he lacked the ability to charm his way through the situation, or to demonstrate any staying power in the relationship suggests that a reunion with his ex or another woman was also at play.

It's not you.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 09/04/2026 06:02

He probably just fancies someone else and wants to spend time with them. It's ok. At least he was honest. Either someone wants to be with you or they don't, it's no reflection on you.

SweetnsourNZ · 09/04/2026 06:08

MyTrivia · 09/04/2026 04:10

If your situation is like mine btw, be prepared for him to suddenly be back saying how sorry he is.

Could be this. Or someone he's had his eye on has become available.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 09/04/2026 06:11

I disagree with those calling him “one of the good ones”. I would be shocked and deeply offended by that curt dismissal in a text. I find that insulting. He obviously wasn’t bothered about staying friends, as he hasn’t contacted you.

I think a genuinely good guy would have had a talk with you, explaining his feelings and listening to what you had to say. Being dumped is always painful, but it can be done with kindness and respect.

Whereistheweevilexactly · 09/04/2026 06:18

I don’t know why posters are saying he’s a good man and has respected you when he is in his mid-fifties, you’ve been seeing him for five months and he binned you off by text! Ffs! No wonder you are seeking answers op!

Respect would have been texting you to see if you were free to meet for a coffee or a drink with a hint that he wanted to discuss something serious. And then him telling you face to face and giving you a legitimate reason and therefore closure.

Imho, the fact he hasn’t done this op shows he isn’t a good man and that you have swerved a bullet! He’s probably a serial player!

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 06:28

LeftieRightsHoarder · 09/04/2026 06:11

I disagree with those calling him “one of the good ones”. I would be shocked and deeply offended by that curt dismissal in a text. I find that insulting. He obviously wasn’t bothered about staying friends, as he hasn’t contacted you.

I think a genuinely good guy would have had a talk with you, explaining his feelings and listening to what you had to say. Being dumped is always painful, but it can be done with kindness and respect.

Right. He is very definitely not one of the good ones to suddenly dump a woman he has been very intimate with for 5 months with zero explanation. Bit of a wanker, at best. And, let's face it, he dumped her for someone else. Almost 100% certainty.

Good guy? Pig's arse.

Whereistheweevilexactly · 09/04/2026 06:33

LeftieRightsHoarder
Snap!
Didn’t see your posts before I wrote mine!

Absolutely agree that this was a very unkind way of going about things. He’s mid-fifties fhs, not a gauche teenager.

I have a rather handsome divorced relative in my extended family who is in his mid-fifties who goes out with a series of very attractive women for about the five to six month mark, he is fairly cultured and knowledgeable about art and takes them to galleries and on European city breaks and French cycling holidays and then when there is any hint of the woman becoming interested in a more long-term relationship or they question his intentions, he dumps them and we never see them again. He’s on about his twelfth “victim” and my sisters and I have taken to warning them subtlety if we meet them in time.

In his case he is a perfectly nice fellow in one way with a rather large ego who wants his life “uncomplicated” by serious feelings or responsibilities. In other words he wants the nice things out of a relationship with none of the commitment.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 09/04/2026 06:43

Whereistheweevilexactly · 09/04/2026 06:33

LeftieRightsHoarder
Snap!
Didn’t see your posts before I wrote mine!

Absolutely agree that this was a very unkind way of going about things. He’s mid-fifties fhs, not a gauche teenager.

I have a rather handsome divorced relative in my extended family who is in his mid-fifties who goes out with a series of very attractive women for about the five to six month mark, he is fairly cultured and knowledgeable about art and takes them to galleries and on European city breaks and French cycling holidays and then when there is any hint of the woman becoming interested in a more long-term relationship or they question his intentions, he dumps them and we never see them again. He’s on about his twelfth “victim” and my sisters and I have taken to warning them subtlety if we meet them in time.

In his case he is a perfectly nice fellow in one way with a rather large ego who wants his life “uncomplicated” by serious feelings or responsibilities. In other words he wants the nice things out of a relationship with none of the commitment.

Edited

Well done, you and your sisters, for trying to defend other women from your relative! That behaviour is cruel, and can be deeply harmful to someone vulnerable.

Your description reminds me of a brief relationship I had with someone like that, many years ago. Because we had acquaintances in common, I found out I was one in a string of hurt and bewildered women who wondered what we had done wrong. At least that stopped me grieving!

PfizerFan · 09/04/2026 06:55

By text?

That's a jerk move.

Sorry this happened to you. X

Buffalogruffalo · 09/04/2026 07:02

I bet there is something going on in the background that you have no clue about. It could be the ex, it could be someone else, but whatever it is it has been kept for you. It’ll come out in the wash one day, if you can somehow wait that long

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 07:07

I think as you cant have anyone meet your kids or anything, your relationships have a very casual ceiling. I'm not sure that's particularly attractive. Where you are at 5 months is pretty much all you can do until your kids move out.

Summerhillsquare · 09/04/2026 07:08

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 05:21

He met someone he preferred. Sorry, but it's always that simple.

When I had the shock dumping, I asked him if he had met someone else. He said "I haven't been looking". Yeah that's not what I asked mate!

Summerhillsquare · 09/04/2026 07:10

LeftieRightsHoarder · 09/04/2026 06:11

I disagree with those calling him “one of the good ones”. I would be shocked and deeply offended by that curt dismissal in a text. I find that insulting. He obviously wasn’t bothered about staying friends, as he hasn’t contacted you.

I think a genuinely good guy would have had a talk with you, explaining his feelings and listening to what you had to say. Being dumped is always painful, but it can be done with kindness and respect.

I can assure you it doesnt feel good done this way either. There is no nice way to reject someone, that's why a lot of people just ghost.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 07:10

Do some women here really believe a man would never leave them to be single?

LemonVenom · 09/04/2026 07:15

He may have never been single at all.

Did you meet any of his friends or family? Could you go to his place? Could he only call you at certain times?

ReprogramNeeded · 09/04/2026 07:17

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 09/04/2026 04:59

@WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat Yes it was a text message and no chat. I asked a friend to read it and she said it was was very clear and no ambiguity so there seemed little point in trying to talk to him about it. I do feel as though I would like to ask questions but I am afraid of the answers. What if he tells me the reason was something about me that I already dislike about myself, I think it could solidify damage to my self-esteem.

Edited: Seen your second message - yes a letter I don’t send might be cathartic and feels safer.

Edited

I think if you had agreed to be bf and gf, and been on holiday together, then ending it with one short text is not OK. He isn't one of the good guys to do that. It wasn't just a few dates.

You probably won't ever know the real reasons, but you didn't do anything wrong and you deserved more respect and courtesy.

BlackCat14 · 09/04/2026 07:22

No advice really, but I know how you feel. After a few years of being single, I met a great guy online. We had a lovely three months together, I was really falling for him. We didn’t discuss the future that much, but had a lovely time in the present. Saw each other a couple of times a week, texts, phone calls. All just seemed to be going so well. Then suddenly I didn’t hear from him for two or three days. He’d ignored my last messages, but I messaged again to ask if everything was okay, and he sent a long text saying he wasn’t feeling it any more. There had been so signs at all, it was so out of the blue. Like you, I over analysed everything, trying to figure it out. We’d been together only three months but it took me a good four or five months to get over it, I was really upset. Luckily he is totally forgotten now, long in the past and I live with my amazing partner and our baby in the house We bought together. It gets better!

LienekeS · 09/04/2026 07:31

After 5 months and a holiday together he texted? No wonder you feel like you do.

Steeleydan · 09/04/2026 07:47

3luckystars · 09/04/2026 05:33

He has another woman. That’s the reason and it’s nothing to do with you at all so don’t blame yourself or question yourself why you didn’t see it coming.
You just can’t protect yourself from it. It’s the pain of loving someone. You take the risk of them doing this.

He met someone else. It’s hurts. He might be back but would you ever trust him again? I wouldn’t. I’m so sorry x

If not I bet he's back available on the online dating app

FoolOfShips · 09/04/2026 07:50

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 05:21

He met someone he preferred. Sorry, but it's always that simple.

Yes, that was my first thought.

OP, I think you're struggling to move on because the text didn't give you proper closure. That was a cowardly thing to do after a relationship of several months, including going on holiday together. A text is OK after a few dates, but not when a relationship has formed.

It doesn't really matter why he did it, whether he is fundamentally a good person or whether he's an arse. I really get the 'hoping he will call to say he's made a terrible mistake' - I've been there - but it's not going to happen.

This is not a blueprint for future relationships. You should try to draw a line under it, and not start comparing other potential partners to this man. Get out there again and go on more dates - try to have fun rather than thinking all the time about whether the dates will turn into relationships.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 07:51

Steeleydan · 09/04/2026 07:47

If not I bet he's back available on the online dating app

Show quote history

Which would be fine to do as he is single...

rwalker · 09/04/2026 07:54

Honestly I think people get older they get used to being on there own
they like the idea of a relationship but long term they can’t be arsed there used to a single life and pleasing themselves

Wynter25 · 09/04/2026 08:00

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 07:07

I think as you cant have anyone meet your kids or anything, your relationships have a very casual ceiling. I'm not sure that's particularly attractive. Where you are at 5 months is pretty much all you can do until your kids move out.

Edited

You can introduce kids after a year. But i did sooner.

Seaoftroubles · 09/04/2026 08:02

I expect you are now mulling it over it as it feels unresolved and happened out of the blue. But it wasn't anything you did OP, it was most likely his style. He'd enjoyed the honeymoon period and then when it meant moving into the next stage he got cold feet and withdrew. The excuse about him just feeling friendship was probably rubbish, he just didn't want long term commitment.
He was not a good man. To dump you by text after 5 months of regular dating, holidays etc without giving you a chance to talk it through was very poor form. It's not you, it's him so please don't look for reasons to blame yourself. He may have met someone else, you won't know but beware him popping up again as this type often come back.

Mogbiscuit · 09/04/2026 08:04

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 09/04/2026 03:36

Thank you. Yes I would like to stop analysing it, but finding the world feels a touch more frightening when I say that “out loud”. Like if I could understand I could stop it happening again, which is, of course, nonsense.

It may be true that he stopped feeling romantic towards you , perhaps influenced by fancying someone else more, perhaps not. It is a normal thing to relationships to end this way, and the feelings may change quite quickly. You did nothing wrong in not anticipating this and he behaved relatively well in being clear that it was over rather than fudging the ending or ghosting you.