Shock dumping - why didn’t I see it coming?

[NoMumLeftBehindLiz]

I’m late 40’s, met him Online Dating, he had been single for a few years, no kids but married back in his 30’s. He is an open person, self-aware, caring, empathetic. We had a few coffee/dinner dates and decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend”, went on holiday together, no love bombing, didn’t talk much about the future, were just enjoying getting to know each other over 5 months, good sex, he met a couple of my friends, felt healthier than any other relationship I’ve had. Then a text out of the blue to say his feelings had settled into friendship.
As it was such a short relationship, two months later I thought I would have moved on by now. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to pinpoint the moment it changed or why I didn’t see it coming.
I’m re-reading text messages tonight and just cannot see anything that would be an indication. I’m resolved not to contact him.
How do you learn to trust people again when someone can shock you like this?

Dumping someone by text (or email) is a cowardly move. No wonder you feel discombobulated by it. After 5 months you deserve more. I would say beyond the third date, you deserve a face to face discussion to explain the end of the relationship. He is an arsehole for doing that.

But he has shown you who he is. There was a thread on here (look up "running in the rain") by a woman who was dumped by text by her boyfriend of two years standing. She did not reply. At first because she didn't know how to respond. Then because she was angry. And all her emotions and frustrations she dealt with by going running in the rain - it is cathartic and no one can see you crying. Anyway, when men expect the questions and the emotions and the bargaining etc and they don't come, they start to get unsettled themselves. He will get curious and will probably come sniffing around to see why you have not responded. Do not cave, grey rock him. He has shown you no consideration. This happened on the thread and she never replied. The last update was a couple of years on and she had met someone new and was very happy.

Good luck OP.

I remember “running in the rain “ I do hope life has worked out well for the poster, she sounded lovely.

OP, it’s really hard to take, isn’t it - but as time goes on the reason why will become less important. The point is, sadly, he didn’t want to continue things. But to end it by text was a bit shitty after 5 months.

I had a relationship with someone who gave himself “a three month rule” (his words), whereby if he thought the woman wasn’t going to be “the one” he’d end the relationship. He said that amount of time was enough to know if it was going to work, so didn’t see the point of wasting more time.

Amazingly, we managed eight years, but he’s had lots of short-term relationships since.

I’ve heard of other people who have a similar ‘rule’ - it doesn’t seem to be that uncommon. It’s very black and white thinking, no shades of grey here, but perhaps that’s what your guy had.

It’s this OP. Men don’t give up sex unless they have it elsewhere. It’s that simple. It’s not you and you are probably right to feel angry.

You’re overthinking and trying to find a reason as you’re gutted it’s over. It wasn’t a comment on the children, you know this.

i will be honest, he jist wasn’t feeling it. He didn’t have the same feelings as you and you thought he did, even though it was clear the signs were there and very obvious. From missing your party, to not wanting to meet the kids etc, it was clear he wasn’t as into this as you were.

and that’s not about you. Sometimes it doesn’t always gel, I’m sure you’ve had partners who really liked you, you didn’t feel the same, and it wasn’t there was something wrong with them.

just delete the messages, lick your wounds, this one wasn’t to be,

People get flamed for 'dumping,' other people but it's often just a case of one party is no longer feeling it for a huge number of reasons. What are they then supposed to do? Continue with a 2 month relationship and prolong the agony in the hope feelings change? It's tough to be rejected when you like someone but not sure why the 'dumper" is always vilified. I've been the dumper and dumped life goes on.

Agree, women are told you can end a relationship for any reason. Men end a relationship and it’s be angry he’s cheating and a piece of shit and used you. It’s utterly batshit.

Women aren’t as obsessed with sex as men are. Most men don’t bin off a women who is giving them sex for being single and no sex at all. So even if they aren’t that into her they will keep her around for sex until they find someone they like more and then bin her off. Women in general do not do this.

Oh and they are very good at playing the nice guy and you won’t see it coming like OP.

I’m sorry that’s your experience, but yes some men do end relationships they are not feeling even though they get sex.

and honestly, even if he did meet someone else, it’s the right thing to do to end it. This was a short relationship.

people are allowed to end relationships and move on. My friend is online dating after divorce and it’s shocking the amount of women who believe as you do. That you’re owed something just by being with them.and that to end it means he must be cheating, it’s utter bullshit and incredibly odd.

no one is owed a relationship.

I’d bet money that he is currently with his ex that he was with 10 days before dumping the OP by text even though he swore blind he wouldn’t go back there.

That’s lots of women’s experience! Don’t deny men behave badly. They do!

This. Either his ex, or he was quietly online dating behind your back and has met someone else. I'm really sorry, OP, but I wouldn't buy the friendship excuse. I hope you feel better soon.

That’s exactly the thing; there is no excuse to leave someone hurt and bewildered. These selfish men only think of themselves!

I don’t personally think a man who texts to end a relationship of a few months is such a good guy. I think that’s pretty craven to be honest. I’d delete all the messages, enjoy the happy memories and keep reminding yourself of your own value.

You are describing a man with a wallet but no character. After 6 months, when he's run through his continental itinerary, has taken them to yet another boutique gallery, and given yet another renaissance monologue in yet another 'hidden gem' bistro, the veneer wears off, and they begin to see the man not the lifestyle.

They are leaving him.

I've learned that looking inwards critically (while it shows humility) often misses the mark because the other person will likely have a whole host of insecurities/triggers/baggage there is no accounting for. So, just focus on things that you enjoy and try to move on. I'm sorry this happened to you though. I understand why you are looking for answers but it might not be a fruitful avenue to pursue.

there is a saying that I like - 'this is not the original wound'.

When an incident or experience like this sets off what seems a disproportionate reaction - it's worth looking at what it has triggered in us.

You are feeling very very distressed by this rejection - you describe even feeling frightened at the alarming feeling it has given you that you could be rejected at any point, that nothing is safe

sorry to sound all cod psychology here but I would suggest this relates to past - even childhood - experiences - or other deep trauma.

only you can tell!

On a more pragmatic basis - I think that in any relationship there are steps we go down to reach 'depth' of feeling where we know we are falling love.

One person may just not hit those steps - I have been on both sides and really recognise how painful it is ! This guy didn't hit that feeling - and he was brave enough to be honest.

perhaps you feel shame that you felt more than he did? just accept that letting ourselves have feelings is always opening the possibility of feeling pain.

he did take her to hospital 10 days before he ended our relationship and stayed there all evening instead of coming to my friend’s birthday party.

Ouch. I was going to suggest unresolved feeling for the ex before I even read this bit.

Look, it's happened to me more times than I can count. I married young without having dated anyone else, divorced a few years later, and then tried to date in my 30s and messed it up SO badly as I had zero idea of what to do, and likely came across as desperate. I have many stories similar to yours. Some guys texted me saying they didn't feel it was working, some ghosted me, some created an argument, a couple of men even invented another woman to avoid having to deal with me any further!

None of us knows why this has happened. But, he hasn't ghosted you, which is more than can be said for a lot of men; he has offered some sort of explanation. It was only a few weeks, and there obviously aren't any kids, assets involved. Obviously it still hurts - I always take these things badly whereas some women seem to glide through these things - but I agree with a pp - delete all texts and then you can't torture yourself with "what went wrong". (you did nothing wrong, going by your post)

Hopefully soon it will juat feel like a small annoyance as opposed to heartbreak. You do sound a little heartbroken. Sorry op. It is shit.

Some people are very good at the beginning of relationships and very bad at the commitment part.

Thank you everyone for your posts, there is a lot of advice here for me to work through and I will re-read later as well.

I did say something to him the last time I saw him like “does it bother you that you can’t meet my DC” and he said “no”. I don’t know why I asked that really because I know it was absolutely right for him not to meet them at such an early stage and that he had no interest in meeting them. I wonder now if that got him thinking that I wanted more than he did long term.

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz that's perfectly possible. But equally it could be that he was looking for cohabitation and thought that it wasn't on the cards with you. You'll never know (even if you were able to ask him he probably wouldn't be able to tell you), and you're driving yourself crazy trying to work it out.

You asked how you can ever trust again. What helped me in that situation was to make a conscious effort to live in the moment. I remember saying to myself early on in a relationship (when we were at that point where you are learning about each other and everything is sweet)
"I don't know where this is going or how long it will last, but nothing can take these good moments away from me".

Did you respond to that text OP?

Being rejected always hurts.
And trying to work out why you were, is quite normal. You are just trying to make sense of what happened.

I am hoping that you didn't ever reply. He will have no way of knowing what your reaction to this is. Which is a good thing really, as he doesn't deserve to know.

The situation is slightly different, but I always think Runninginrain's posts Dumped by Text is such a good thread to read when in a similar situation.

But pp are correct in that some people in their 50s don't really want true commitment. So it could be that, or also possible that his ex is really now no longer an ex, or there is someone else on the scene. Whichever it may be, just know that none of these are a reflection on you.

Ah ok. This makes sense now.

Sorry OP but I would say he has most likely decided to make another go of it with his ex.

FWIW I have an ex who I meet weekly for dog handovers and, as much as we get along fine now, no way in a million years would I be ringing him to take me to hospital. Unless I wanted to get back together of course...