Haven't heard from him after a date

[Tcbay52]

Been on a date recently, we went to a restaurant. He paid and opened the doors for me. He asked me before the date if I'd prefer a hug as a greeting, just a handshake, or no touch at all as he wanted me to feel comfortable. We went for quite a long walk afterwards. We hugged for hello and goodbye. After we parted he texted me saying to let him know when I'm home. I let him know. The next day I decided to text him. I said I had a good time and added a question about whether he logged me out of a job search website (he let me use his laptop to edit my resume as a small favour), as I forgot to log out. He reacted with a heart emoji to the 'good time' bit and said he logged me out. Since then we've been silent for like four days already. He's been active on social media. Should I message him again or leave it? I wanna see him again but don't know if he wants to.

@SqueakyFromme I think I love you😆

Yep valid concerns. If he was interested he would be asking to see you again. If you ask him out he may very well agree because he knows he doesn’t have to do much to have your attention. Will probably presume you’re easy. Best to leave it alone

Yeah that’s the thing some people on MN act as if men and women are the same in this regard, but in the real world there’s typically an understanding that it’s expected of the man to ask for a second date if he wants to.

If he hasn’t I too would assume he isn’t that interested and any attempt from you to initiate a date would either be rejected or worse - he would go along with it just for the sake of it.

I’ve heard many men say it’s a novelty having a women pursue them. Men are far more likely to go along with dating even if they’re not keen if a woman is driving it.

If you really don’t want to leave things as they are though, just send a casual “how are you text”.

If he wants to ask you out he will definitely jump on that and use that as a way to bring up the topic. If he doesn’t take the opportunity to ask you out - there’s your answer.

But personally I’d just drop it now.

How did the actual date go? I feel though he would have matched your original energy if he was interested. So maybe just forget about him. I would.

Don’t think silly would be the word I’d use here .
Quite a depressing attitude to have for sure though !

I was saying it ironicallly as the poster had described it as a silly situation!

So on your first date, he brought his laptop, and you asked to use it.......because it was such a dire emergency that you couldn't just wait to use yours, or use your phone, or go to a library to do it? Seems odd and not very romantic. Was this straight after work for the both of you??

Is he quite an awkward person? I think if you would like to see him again then send a text suggesting meeting up again. There’s nothing to lose, really.

I'm a guy and I would have texted next day for another date at the latest. I would assume he doesn't want one

In that case:

The reason he hasn't messaged you for another date is that he's worried you may agree out of boredom while not being interested. Or after the second date you still won't be making any moves and he'll be the only one initiating. Or you just won't respond.

Seriously, you are happy to think of yourself as a human being -- why not him?

Ok, and if any of those things happens, then you'll have your answer. And at the cost of a couple more hours of your time, which, given you enjoyed the first date, you'll probably have spent in an enjoyable fashion.

Doesn't seem like the end of the world.

Did you decide what to do @Tcbay52 ?

Some pp are saying what have you got to lose by asking him out?

I can’t speak for Op but I know in my younger years when me and my friends wouldn’t take the hint and we pushed for more contact/dates, it never turned out well. It would be invariably a bit humiliating with the way they would treat us and I know for me it did affect my self-esteem for a while although I always cut things off quickly if they behaved badly it did confuse me a bit. Now I look for clear signs and if they’re not there - I’m gone.

I now know what it is like for a man to genuinely be interested in and intentional in getting to know me and I won’t put up with less.

No doubt some women like being the one who pursues but realistically many if not most of us don’t.

It’s perfectly ok to say hey this man isn’t as into me/as proactive as I’d like, so I’m going to let this one swim back into the sea.

Also gender aside if person A texts to say they had a great time on a date and person B doesn’t enthusiastically respond to say they did too, or say “I’d like to do it again soon!”
I think it’s safe to say they are not interested. Or at very best they have extremely poor communication skills.

I would expect Person A to take the hint.

I agree.

i feel like once things start getting in the matching effort, tit for tat territory it’s dead in the water. It should flow easily and not take too much thought at this stage in the game.

I haven't texted him. He's often active on social media and probably talking to other chicks. If he can't make a tiny bit of effort why would I risk it? Or maybe I should just message "How's it going?" and only ask him out if he replies to that. I know I'll feel bad when I do it though as he's most likely not interested.

If he can't make a tiny bit of effort why would I risk it?

That’s the way I see it as well. Men are aware of the prevailing cultural and social norms and expectations and unless they’re extremely timid (which is not someone I’d be well matched with) they will and do take that “risk” of asking women out for at least the first couple of dates.

He had the perfect opportunity to ask you out when you said you had a great time or at the very least to echo your sentiments. He chose to do neither. Honestly I think this says it all.

But yeah as I said upthread if you don’t want to just leave it like that I would send a “how are you?” text but then after that personally I’d leave the ball in his court to ask you out or not.

Don’t do it and don’t use the term chicks! Forget him! Onwards and upwards!

This is a genuine question and not meant to be loaded - for those PPS (including OP) who feel that the man ought to make the running in early dating:

Do you also believe that different gender roles should remain in place as the relationship progresses, with the man being responsible for more decision making, etc? Or is it just something you like to see in early dating?

For me, I am very keen to have a relationship that feels really equal, so I would actively try to avoid a situation in which it felt like the man needed to make all the moves at the start, for fear I was establishing a precedent, that he is a kind of "leader" and my role was to be more passive/submissive even, and await his decisions and choices.

I hope that makes sense, and that I have phrased it politely - we are all different and I don't want to judge anyone's choices - but reading all the posts saying "we all know most men do xyz...." is making me wonder....

But OP already made the first move by saying she has a good time.

Missing the point here but it just dawned on me (as a recruitment consultant) that helping someone update their CV could be a great first date.

You get to see how each of you communicate, work together, what they do for a living, hobbies/ interests, why they want to move on from their current job, how much they earn (joking slightly 😂) … plus it’s my day job doing this anyway so I could come across knowledgeable and all knowing. I might go and change my Hinge profile 🤔

I guess technically it’s your turn to respond, but his response kind of shut down the conversation. If you like him, there’s nothing to lose from sending one more casual message but he doesn’t come across overly keen!

Personally I don’t see the big deal in sending him one message. That way you’ll know if he’s interested if conversation starts flowing and then you won’t be left wondering.

I would keep it casual, just a quick, hey how’s your week going? If he replies then great, see how it goes and if you want to then suggest meeting up again.
If he doesn’t reply by tomorrow then forget about him and move on. I say give a day as I can usually take a day to reply to people but might look like I’m online a lot. Sometimes I’m just busy and forget.

I guess you need to make a decision that feels right to you. But why should the expectation be that HE needs to put the effort in, when you clearly don't want to.
From HIS point of view, your communication sounds as if you wanted to meet him, so you could make use of his laptop. Your priority appears to have been to confirm that he had logged you off. He responded in kind. If you wamt to see him again, ASK him. Men are not mind readers. What's the worst that can happen? Theres 3 possibilities a) he says "no", in which case you know b) he ignores, in which case you still "know" or c) he says "yes". He may well be thinking that you clearly weren't interested in seeing him again.

I think so too, every time people tell women to text (and I’m a feminist, I get it) I realise that throughout my life, men that are really keen will let you know. You won‘t question it.

regardless of anything else, it could be your just not on the same page re the amount of contact needed for a casual first meeting, i remember the days when a phone call once a week would be enough, why this constant need to be connected all day every day to a relative stranger?

Leave it.
If he's interested he'll message.