Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

Tbh before patches I would have probably exploded as well.

Op let her be. If your blocked not much you can do. I had something similar a few yrs ago but she had alot on personally. I think I would give her space.. reading your post she cant be talking to people like that.

Honestly that would explain a lot!

Are people wilfully not reading the OP's post properly? Do they just love giving an OP shit that much?

After the OP rearranged for 3pm her friend asked to rearrange AGAIN for 3:15 - and then was going to be another 10-15 minutes late after that. The OP then called her friend after 5 minutes because she had 2 missed calls from her. The OP has even gone to the lengths of screen shotting this to prove that she's not lying - as she was accused by another poster.

The OP was shocked and disgusted AFTER her friend had a sweary rant at her. Why on earth would she apologise to some who was shouting and swearing at her? It's not ok to behave like that even if you are having the very worst day in the world.

OP, some people on here are as batshit as your friend. I would send the present because you said you would and then leave things until she apologises (if she ever does).

What 60 year old blocks people on social media? FFS how immature and unhinged! I'd walk away from my own sister and never look back if she pulled that shit on me never mind a friend who I don't see that often.

It sounds like she massively overreacted. To block you on everything is very childish.

I would leave her to it. You say she regularly falls out with people and you don’t.
Maybe she’ll get in contact with you in the future but I wouldn’t be sending her any cards or birthday presents.

I read it properly, thank you. She arranged it around the OP in the first place and said she will do her errands because she has to wait for OP. OP then pushed back by an HOUR. The fact that her friend then pushed back by 15 minutes twice is smaller in comparison.
given than in the first place she was doing there errands that took 30 mins longer only because she needed to wait for the OP it is a small courtesy to let her finish them without sighing.

I'm sorry your friend treated you like that. If she does it regularly with her friends then it sounds like she's used to flying off the handle and being forgiven for it, but blocking you everywhere just sounds really immature for someone in their 60s! I had a good friend who was a bit funny with me sometimes and when we had a falling out, she over-reacted so much that I had to confront the fact that maybe she didn't really like me very much. I still miss her but that argument showed me her true feelings towards me. I hope it all gets sorted for you.

You were out of order

And the friend wasn't?

Sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe you give off other unconscious body language too that she has picked up on over the years and she has finally had enough of you saying one thing but your body telling her a different story. Some people are unaware of their own body language but an emotionally intelligent person will be picking up on all of it. I'd just accept that this friendship is done. Must have been building up to this point for her for a long time and she's finally had enough of you and snapped.

I imagine there's more going on here, without knowing the two of you it could be;

• she has other stuff going on and you're a safe person to lash out at, as you normally let it go, and she took her other problems out on you
• you have form for moving stuff about/she feels you don't respect her time and this was a "straw that broke the camels back moment"
• she has some kind of difference going on, like adhd, or a social anxiety, and the pressure to meet you at a certain time and then it changing and still needing to do her errands pushed her beyond where it might push someone else (especially as you say she often cancels)
• she's just a bit stressed and not very respectful of other people and the way she talks to them

For what it's worth, I can see why she was annoyed at the sigh. If she organised her activities around 2pm, then it got pushed back at lunchtime (presumably she then thought she had time to squeeze something in), she rings you twice to say she's running late but you don't pick up and when you call her back she's already late, and then you sigh at her. She has the right to find that a bit rude and to be a bit flustered. However, nothing excuses that level of response, which is why I think it is one of the above reasons.
What you do is up to you. It's sad, but maybe it had run it's course and you hadn't noticed that she was becoming increasingly frustrated with you (maybe that's why she regularly cancels). Or maybe she'll calm down, explain there's a huge life event going on, apologise and you'll make up. Hopefully whatever happens you're able to feel OK about it, it's always horrid falling out with friends.

If you said you had plans in the morning (sorry if I read this wrong), then you already had her waiting on your plans, then you changed, she was late and you sighed even though obviously you didn’t mean to. Put with that it could have been she was having a bad day/ under stress/ that time of the month/ just tired, it’s not understandable how much she lost it but a little understandable she was pissed off

Tbf I’d be pissed af if someone changed the time by a whole hour and then went and sighed at me when I was ten minutes behind, as if they weren’t the one pissing about with the time first. Especially after they’d only given a “tentative” time when I’d asked for a time. I find giving tentative times to be really rude and disrespectful of the other persons time, they’ve got to wait for you to figure out your day before they can figure out theirs, your time isn’t more important than theirs.

That said, the blocking was a big overreaction from her. I’d have just left it there though, what was the point in tracking her down on another account just to have a go at her? Did you not get the message she clearly didn’t want to hear from you?

Neither of you sound like people I’d want to be friends with tbh.

Another post where it seems like people on here actively dislike their friends. Only on mumsnet

I managed to end a toxic 20 year friendship in a similar way, except I was your sweary friend.

I’d wanted out for years but it was impossible (and far too long to go into on here) but my friend was asking someone to do something for her that she CBA to do herself. I told her it was wholly unfair to put that on Liz and she looked at me like I was mental. I completely lost it and 20 years of pent up anger and resentment spilled out of me in that moment. It felt good and I managed to get away from her.

I’m not saying that this is what’s happened but a reaction like this usually comes off the back of something bigger.

@JalapenoFeverDream
OP you are so completely in the wrong, but you can't see it can you?
So many people have called out your poor behaviour and you still don't think you've done anything wrong.
It's getting more and more clear why your ex-friend is so upset with you.

Wow. I just can't believe some people are so naive. Some people arent really friends at all, more acquaintances that don't even like each other so at the end of the day better to end those fake so called friendships. I think you did the right thing and tried to talk about it and of course it backfired because she wasn't a real friend at all. Ive had it happen to me, you think they friends but behaviour demonstrates otherwise

I hope you have sent her the gift.
You sound very uptight about time, Op.
She is more relaxed.

She did say that she had errands but you pushed for an early meet up. Then you changed to a later meet time. (That would really have frustrated your friend who was needing to do erands) Then you thought five minutes late was late and got upset at fifteen minutes.

If you get back to being friends try to agree to quite firm times to meet. Be generous with your listening when planning the time to meet. (It's better to meet less regularly than to be stressed trying to meet deadlines of a meet up.)

Then stick to your deadline. You be on time. But overlook a friend being ten minutes late.
If a friend is routinely late, make the meet times fifteen minutes later. If their tardiness continues meet with them less frequently or leave after twenty minutes.

Having a mobile phone is not an excuse for being late.

Phoning someone at short notice is still being late.

I would leave her be. I couldn't get past someone f'ing and blinding at me like that, it would be the last straw. She's no friend behaving like that and it almost sounds like she wanted to deliberately put a bomb under your friendship.

sounds absolutely exhausting and stressful.

If She had politely, but candidly, expressed what came out as the fuck you diatribe, what do you think that would have been. What did she want to say but couldn’t get it out constructively.

This might then help you to understand where you might best go from here.

Something else going on... what are your ages hormones relationship her not being well.
It'll be deeper than losing her temper for nothing .
Not much you can do if she has blocked you.
I wouldn't go at her with a fuck you approach.
I'd write her a letter in a card sending love hoping she is OK and wait for a response if no no response would you call to her house x

Hi OP

Like you, me and my friends are easy going and always go for ballpark timings and end up being a bit late etc. But clearly some PP on this thread are clearly much more regimented about arrangements.

However, to me, that’s going down a rabbit hole. Your friend was the one running late. In answer to your questions:

Q1. YANBU. Her reaction was completely stressed and OTT. OK, the sigh might’ve sounded frustrated or disapproving. But it was only a sigh. And it may not have even been at her (but at another driver in the car park etc). To react by ranting, swearing and blocking, rather than simply saying: “Are you annoyed with me?” showed a total lack of self-control. I was going to say is she menopausal, as that can cause sudden outbursts. But (at 60) she should be through the worst of that. Maybe she’s suffering with mental health and struggling to regulate herself. She could be under a lot of stress due to something you don’t now about (health, money, relationships).

Q2. Depends how much you value her friendship. I’d post her birthday gift, with an extra card which says something like: “We all have bad days. No need to throw away a friendship over a misunderstanding. Life’s too short. Drop me a message when you’re ready for a cuppa and a hug”. Then it’s clear you’re open, the ball’s in her court and I’d leave it at that. If you still don’t hear from her, she obviously didn’t value the friendship as much as you. But if she does get in touch, she should say sorry for shouting and swearing at you. It’s abusive.

Good luck 💐

You are off point. Slighted friend already said she's chill and let's a lot slide. Got to have some limits unless you think women should be so acquiescent and a veritable doormat. Her guy told her that hang out of order and her gut is spot on

One of the best comments on here Haribooboo!!