Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

And some will twist themselves to make the op right. What most do however is apply critical thinking. Particularly when someone presents themselves as completely and utterly blameless and the other party utterly deranged and then with each subsequent post drip feeds more and more about just how awful the other person is.

now, sure it could be the other person is deranged, and the op did no more than let out a tiny little inadvertent sigh, and this woman started literally screaming.

or it could be there is more to this than the op is articulating, or it’s not quit3 as she’s positioning it.

So...She cancels your meet-ups, often at short notice. You do most of the travelling to meet her to make her life easier. She's lost a lot of friends because of her attitude.

It sounds like the only underlying reason for her shouting at you is that she can dish it out but she can't take it. She's done this to others, it just happened to be your turn this time. Let it, and her, go.

I don't care if the OP is a bit flaky herself and sighed a bit louder than she meant to. You don't start screaming at a friend, tell them to fuck off, and then block them as opposed to apologising (or getting in touch to say sorry, I'm going for worrying health tests or my cat died yesterday).

I guess if she wanted to end the friendship then she did it in spectacular fashion.

I mean, you can believe what you like. But that's literally what happened.

Oh hello "friend" 🙄

I honestly don’t understand why people bother replying to a thread if they’re not going to accept the situation described in it at face value.

A few years ago I had almost the exact same thing happen to me. Gobsmacked. I still maintained a friendship but only last year let it due by ignoring her texts intermittently. It's not worth staying friends with some one who treated you so badly.

She got pretty angry I wasn't responding but I didn't want her wrath

It's difficult to know the full story but I used to make arrangements with a friend and she would always, always change the time, the day whatever - it was a moveable thing for her. It was incredibly frustrating as I am someone who makes an arrangement and pretty much sticks to it. If I'm visiting someone, I'll usually give them a rough estimate of when I am intending to leave. We're no longer friends as I just found it rude and inconsiderate. It COULD be (there isn't enough info to tell) that she has built up some frustration around this due to a difference in priotities.

Do you generally meet when it is convenient to you (and she has to fit in)?
Do you usually make the timings vague or change them?

Are you often late and leave her waiting for you?

Only you can say, but there will be more to this than just her binning a friendship she valued after fifteen years over this fairly minor issue. As for people who say don't let her back - repairing is part of a relationship and being able to repair is a sign of maturity. I'd reach out to her in a spirit of wanting to understand where she is coming from or leave the friendship - it's up to you.

I think the message you sent her afterwards is what's done the most damage. If you actually want to save the friendship, I suggest the ball is in your court. How is she meant to respond to your disgust and shaming? I would send her belated present with a new card saying how sorry you are you lost your temper and you would love to chat again. I'm not sure what else you can do.

I get why people are saying the friend is unhinged and in the wrong. It does sound crazy for her to scream at the OP. But I'm another one who's not totally convinced it's that black and white. Even if that's exactly what happened, it sounds like the best thing to do would have been nothing at all. Rather than sending her a load of abuse in a message.

Yes. There's no point in coming on here and saying the OP is only telling their side of the story. Of course they are. We know the other person will have their own version but there are just some posters who will always side with the person who is not actually here.

How has it ‘done the most damage’? Even if it was unwise, the friend had already screamed and sworn at her and blocked her from all methods of communication. She had effectively already ended the friendship. The damage was done.

I mean, if she wanted to save the friendship. Of course her friend shouldn't have lost her temper, but OP sounds like she wished to keep the friendship, so responding the way she did was a mistake. But I do take your point: the person kicking off was the one who damaged the friendship most.

If it makes you feel any better I ruined a 30+ year friendship with a family friend of ours. It was a couple of months after my mum died, the phone rang and I answered it with a mouthful of food. It was this friend and she thought I was laughing as I picked up the phone. She said I was a terrible person for being so cheerful when my mother had just died and she severed all ties with us, we’ve never had any contact from her again. It was a genuine mistake on my part. I felt that if I’d tried to explain it would have made things worse. Ultimately we are human and we err, all of us do. If people are so unforgiving, maybe they are not the people for us 🤷‍♀️

It appears that ‘the inadvertent sigh’ was the last straw for her OP.

I don’t think you should have contacted her again after her disproportionate reaction, unless it was to apologise most sincerely for your carelessness over that sigh and to explain that you let it slip because you were desperate for the loo. I’m not sure how the two were linked but that’s what you suggest in your OP so you could have explained that as well.

However I think it’s too late. She took the sigh as an insult as if to mean you were finding her very tiresome.
She will take the gift as a further insult in my opinion so unless you want to upset her even more, I wouldn’t bother sending it.

I would let it go now. After all, you must have built up a tiny bit of resentment for her own carelessness towards arrangements with you over these last years.
So perhaps time to call it a day. Put it down to experience.

May have been a 15 year shallow friendship. I only kept a bad one going as our sons are best friends. We'd arrange to meet and she'd still be in bed when is arrived at the cafe. Always late. Recently she decided she has ADHD cas an excuse at 61.

My husband said dont tell her you are ending it as it will just create drama sobi did it slowly and it still caused drama. No easy way to back out of a friendship or pseudo friendship with a possible narcissist

I think it human to tell a story of your experience from your perspective and for people to give their thoughts based on your described experience but also to understand there will be another side to a story too.

Usually I fit in around her and I'm not late, she often can be.

I was just going to leave it to be honest. We both said things when angry and she's blocked me bat my work FB. But I'll bear it in mind. Thank you.

It can be true that this is your view of what happened but your friend may have a different view of what happened.

Just bin her.
She's not a true friend.
In the past, by allowing her to be flaky, you've enabled her behaviour.
Just get rid.

She’s obviously a nasty bitch and there would be no going back for me.

But i do find it hard to sympathise with people who declare that someone has a habit of falling out with people and then seems to get upset when it happens to them. It’s not rocket science is it? Nobody’s special in those kinds of situations. If someone regularly falls out with people then it’s only a matter of time until you’re one of them.

A long friendship of mine ended as I got to the straw that broke the camels back moment. So a seemingly small thing from my friends perspective was actually big to me. This was made worse by them then resolutely refusing to offer a 'sorry', instead using bloody psychological speak at me...'if that's how you felt i have to accept it' blah blah. Just fucking apologise instead of justifying yourself.

Maybe there's some elements of this with your friend. My one regret is I didnt tackle my friend earlier about her behaviour and I let it grow and fester.

I’m shocked at what I’m reading here.

OP might have sighed. But her friend hurled a load of verbal abuse at her! And most of you are saying it’s the OP’s fault??

If a romantic partner did that you’d all say it’s abusive and to leave.

Even if OP has annoyed her friend, the friend has done way worse and the only way this moves forward is if the friend apologises for the abusive language and then they can both air their actual grievances.

She sounds stressed out. But at first it sounds like you were very indecisive about the arrangements. Its not nice feeling like you've been slotted in with a person's busy day.