Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

It's absolutely mental just how many people are making excuses for the person speaking to her friend in that manner. "Something else going on". I could have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I wouldn't dream of speaking to ANYBODY like that, let alone a friend.

Agreed. Honestly I think it says a lot about those people and their interactions with others if they think this is an acceptable way to speak to a friend in any circumstances.

I mean sounds like something else has gone on. I think if you have rescheduled times its a bit of a dick move to be pissed at her for running a bit late. You dont know what she's had to do to make it at all. I think you may need to be introspective here id say there is more to her blocking you etc over a single sigh. Do you regularly change plans with her. Or be pissed when she does. Had you made plans with her first only to make different plans and change her whole day maybe she'd planned to meet you early then do errands and shes had to rush whats shes needed to do to accommodate you. I dont know just some things to consider

My feeling at this:

If she went nuts over nothing, something is up in her life. Much bigger than you.

You then saying "I'm disgusted at you", centres you. Your thought process isn't to consider "Are you ok? Is everything in your life alright? Your reaction is out of proportion. Do you need someone to talk to?". Y'know being a friend when the chips are down.

My guess is there's something else going on, and it all got too much. She probably sees you as having nothing else much going on and fairly oblivious to her problems.

Your message is likely to have killed the opportunity to have resolved matters though, so its all probably done and dusted.

People don't blow up over nothing or without there being something else going on. Regardless of her history of falling out with people the fact you didn't recognise this says a fair amount about the relationship and how much you value it though. You were acquaintences rather than friends.

If I arrange to meet someone I give them a time. I wouldn't be messing around on the day of the actual meet arranging it. I couldn't be doing with having to ask someone for a rough time on the day, then having it changed, then someone being late. Sounds like a right faff that just messes everyone around.

Anyway, I don't think it was U of her to be offended by your sigh. You pushed back the meeting by an hour, then sighed at her because she was 15 mins late.

Don't care re the sigh etc. she shouldn't speak to you like that and definitely owes you an apology ! Set your boundaries x

OP you're tying yourself up in knots here. Mind some on here really try to twist things so it's your fault on here.

Her kicking off is nothing to do with anything you did, just like her being snappy. It's everything to do with how she handles her own emotions and does a pressure cooker on occasion. She needs to learn to vent in a healthy way.

I wouldn't even post her a gift. She was out of order exploding on you like that. Just let it go. Some people need to learn how to navigate themselves.

If someone shouted at me like that the friendship would have died on the spot and I would have an early birthday present

I don’t think she actually wanted to meet at all. Maybe it feels an obligation for her and then for you to sigh was the nail in the coffin she needed to bin you off and not have to bother anymore.

I’d leave her alone. It’s what she wants.

It sounds as if she has something else going on or is generally stressed or struggling to have reacted so strongly.

I think send the birthday wishes and say sorry, then see. She may need some time, or she may be doing the modern thing of binning off any friend who doesn’t make her feel good 100% of the time.

I sympathise as I had a similar situation when I told a friend I would be leaving a 3-night break I’d organised a night early. This was due to a combination of work travel and stress that had taken me away from home a lot, causing home stress and unhappiness. My other friends were very understanding, but one (my closest) went batsh*t then essentially no contact, then a few months later sent long voice messages telling me how disrespectful I’d been and laid out several other times I’d displeased her and several of my character flaws. We’re now in sporadic contact only. It obviously triggered something very deep within her.

It’s a huge shame but some people can’t cope with rejection or not having absolute control.

She sounded batshit but you sound difficult.

one, she did arrange things around the time you needed to finish and calling her after JUST 5 minutes is too demanding. As well as sighing over the fact that she’s 15 minutes away.

two, you did not start with (fake) apology or attempt to patch things up or attempt to hear her side, you went with “shocked and disgusted” etc etc

what do you expect happens after you write her telling her off? That she crawls back with apology?

I think you need to really self reflect whether you had previously constantly arranged things to suit you rather than her without noticing it

They do say 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. It would appear Mumsnet is overrepresented!

we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up,

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just some snippets from your OP...

But to me it sounds like it really wasn't a day where you could both meet up comfortably without having something else to do while knowing a definite set time of being able to meet.

You changed the time by and hour so I expect your DF continued with whatever it was she was doing, maybe time ran away and now she was the one running a bit late. When you sighed down the phone despite what you say it's must have been loud enough for her to hear it.

Although she probably shouldn't have blown up like she did your follow up messages to her don't really sound very friendly, so I'd leave it there for now and see how things pan out.

The OP called her friend back after 5 minutes because she had two missed calls from her.

She planned her whole day around you and you were the one sighing which made her feel you was ungrateful that she organised her whole day around seeing you.
Yes she was busy as you had controlled the timing so she was keeping busy til then. So she did organize her day around you. Like it or not.

Txt her and apologize. Thats what I would do. I would say sorry I was in the wrong.

I believe you were in the wrong from what you've said.
Don't lose a good friend just for ego, txt her and apologize.

This is why I'd leave it. You bend over backwards to be flexible for her regularly, and the one time you show the slightest irritation with her when you've been every so slightly accommodated, per agreement, she kicks off? No, just no.

She’s not losing a friend for ego, she’s losing a friend because her friend screamed and swore at her on the phone then blocked her from all channels of communication.
How can she text her and apologise? She’s been blocked.

I usually take posts at face value but your oh I just gave out an inadvertent little sigh really reminds me of the sort of things my sister does. It's such a passive aggressive Sigh Oh OK mate I'll see you when you get here. She'll be well aware you were pissed off.
I maybe letting my own experience hinder what actually happened in your situation. But the amount of times I've heard oh I only said this, I only gave a little sigh, oh I only rolled my eyes .Yes but it's the way you did it. you may never get into arguments with people because you don't say anything explicitly just did your little sghs and eye rolling. Actively finding alternative ways to contact her after she's blocked you, especially with the intention of making your point, is likely to have escalated things even further from her perspective.

Send a note with the gift:
Hey, Ashley. I just want to say, Sorry. I reacted badly. I'd hate to lose our friendship over the row. Hope you're doing ok.

If she replies and wants to talk let her say her pov and accept it because you've already said yours.

Hoping you can patch it up and move on.

And going to a different account after you’ve been blocked just to send her a shitty message isn’t?

I really wouldn’t give this any more headspace. You did waist huh thought was right, checked up on her. She obviously has other stuff going on. Concentrate on other friends and leave this one be.

Throwing away a friendship of 15 years over such a non event is really extreme. You were both rude to each other over a minor inconvenience. Regardless of whether you think you’ve been the best friend in the world always, she clearly was annoyed and has a different view of that.

Leave it if you want to, but if I really loved my friend, I’d be round her house offering an olive branch, asking if she is ok.

Her friend has blocked her from all channels of communication, does that seem like the behaviour of someone who wants an olive branch? Surely it would be hugely disrespecting her boundaries to turn up at her house? She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to hear from the OP.

I think you've had a hard time on here, OP. I don't think you were particularly unreasonable and can understand the sigh. Unless there's information missing, the response was disproportionate and I'd try to move on and leave it to her to consider how she behaved.

I don't care how much shit people have going off we know how to speak to our friends and if we do have cross words after the fact you realise actually I shouldn't have said that and apologise. Bin her off. Block her back