Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

With proof. Or did she make the screenshot on Microsoft Paint?

It's not the OP's fault if people can't be arsed to read her posts.

Based on what? Why "probably"? How you do prove my point.

Haven’t most of us have been through stressful times, really shit times, even traumatic events, and still managed life without screaming and swearing at our friends?

I think I'll call it "I can't actually back it up, just felt like wading in and having a go at someone". Thanks for playing!

Do you not think that saying the friend "just" had enough of the OP is saying she caused the swearing and shouting? "Just"? Minimising much.

If this were OP's husband or partner would you say she wasn't as "pure as the driven snow" and this is due to "history" and not an abusive relationship?

I mean "having a go" as in getting at someone, questioning whether they are telling the truth.

Because good friends remember their friends' birthdays, perhaps?

Not complicated. There are so many ways now to set yourself reminders from the paper and pencil wall calendar to a phone.

And yes, before anyone pipes up, it's possible to be a crap friend but remember birthdays.

The point here is the friendship seems unequal in terms of investment.

Isn't telling a poster to 'relax' a bit patronising?

People are allowed to disagree.

No thanks. Where exactly were you going when needling the OP with this gem?

"how is remembering her birthday every year showing us you are “a good friend”?
and fact she doesn’t remember your birthday… does that mean you see her as a crap friend?"

You are absolutely determined to find a little chink in the armour to prove that it's her fault. I wonder why.

My next steps? Nothing. Forget her. And don’t be posting her cards and presents either.

Omfg. Ops friend was busy too. She was originally happy to go with arrangements being confirmed later and then she was still late. How is any of that worthy of being screamed and sworn at.

She shouldn’t have spoken to you that way but equally you CAN help sighing and eye rolling, being expressive doesn’t mean you get to be rude which eye rolling and sighing is.
If she is often snappy, changing plans etc it doesn’t sound like it’s a friendship that is particularly great, so I wouldn’t reach out again.
I know if I’m having a tricky day if someone I considered a close friend/family sighed or eye rolled at me I would say something to let them know I had noted it.. but she sounded like she flipped her lid instead of saying ‘no need to sigh friend, you pushed the time back, I’ll be there as quickly as I can’.
I assume if she had you would have apologised for audibly sighing over the phone and explained it was because you
were desperate for a wee rather then her arrival time.

OMG I had a friend like that! Note the had. Always late, we laughed about it. Often cancelling last minute, as she'd forgotten to put it in her diary, meeting overran, manager needs to speak to her etc. Like you, I'm very much, these things happen, life, time and circumstances get in the way and never ever bitched about it.
One time, I had a really long window of opportunity that I could have met her at any time to suit her, messaged her as she'd asked me to do the previous week and heard nothing. When she did reply, she said she'd read the original message and forgot to reply. I saw her by chance a few weeks later, she apologised again and I said (with no sarcasm or snarkiness) that's OK, I'm used to it. All OK, carried on chatting but weeks later she's sent me messages saying I was judgemental, unreasonable etc etc. Bit of back and forth, she then blocked me on Facebook and sent me a message to tell me she's blocked me, you figure it out!
I still see her occasionally, sometimes she speaks sometimes she doesn't. We're in our 50's -60's, she's acting like a child.

No it doesn't.

Luckily that's not what I said.

I’m would put money on it not being the sigh.

Here is the same scenario from the opposite perspective:

I don’t get to see you that often, so I actually made an effort to clear space in my day for this. Even if the time wasn’t nailed down exactly, mentally I’d already committed the afternoon to you.
Then the plan shifted — which I went along with — but it meant I had to juggle my errands differently and probably felt a bit rushed or under pressure to make it work.
By the time I was running late, I was already stressed and maybe feeling like I’d bent my day around something that wasn’t fully solid on your end.
So when you sighed on the phone, even if you didn’t mean it badly, it landed like criticism — like I’d messed up, like I’d inconvenienced you, after I’d been trying to make the effort.
In that moment, it hit a nerve. It felt unappreciated, maybe even judged. And instead of saying that calmly, I reacted emotionally and defensively.
Once I got angry, I doubled down. Cancelling felt like taking control of the situation instead of feeling like I was letting you down. And blocking you… that was probably me trying to shut off the feelings and avoid more conflict, even if it was extreme.
From my perspective, it wasn’t really about the sigh, it was about feeling unappreciated and stressed, and that just tipped me over the edge.

Ok so she asked you to give her a rough time, so clearly she was already trying to work around you. You said 2pm ‘tenatively’ and then said 3pm, which probably annoyed her. She’s then tried to make the best of the extra hour and tried to fit in more errands, but overestimated how long they would take. Because an hour isn’t really long enough to get much done, but is too long for just hanging around. Then in her mind you had the cheek to sigh when she said she was running late. Don’t be naive, a sigh is rarely innocent, it’s passive aggressive and you know it. She overreacted but the frustration at being messed around was likely building.
If you want to save the friendship you’d be best apologising for your part in this

So at 12pm you moved it back from 2pm to 3pm. Thats not much notice, especially as you were both travelling to the meeting point.