Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

You are going to have to ask him.

The conversation won't necessarily solve the problem but his answers might give you some insight into what you are dealing with.

OP, whatever the reason for why he is like this, he is clearly content with being like this.

This is who he is. He knows it. He has no desire to change it and he has been very clear with you about that. Given that, it is unfair of you to be plotting to change him, and you will not succeed in this.

The frequency of sex you have with him will not increase. It may decrease (likely).

You either decide you will have a life of infrequent sex with this man, maybe dwindling to none. Or you find someone else.

Agonising over why he is like this and what you can do to fix it is a non-starter.

This is a straight choice of accept it or leave him.

Very good point, interesting, this is on the increase. Can say for myself! (46 yo).
Also maybe not heterosexual.

The reason he likes a lower sex frequency doesn’t matter very much. If you can’t accept that this is the best frequency that you’re ever going to get, then break up with him. Tbh I’m with you - in the end I (just) prefer frequent sex with variable levels of intensity woven into my week to having my mind blown once a month.

Isn’t he bothered that you are discussing your sex life with him with all your friends? That would bother me.

Tbh I think it’s good to accept that someone who looks perfect may not be right for you. But tbh I would think about some therapy. Not to make you accept his parameters, but to look at your feelings and motivations in more depth.

How in shape is he? How into the gym?

My exh was very into his body and the gym. So he took (amongst other things) Testosterone. And that the fucks with your normal levels. Which meant that often his sex drive was precisely 0. Looked great. Didn't want to fuck.

I'd gladly put £20 on it being along those lines.

Hi @RoseKitten
ive read this same issue on a few threads recently. I married someone with a low sex drive - years later discovered it was porn addiction.

This was a while ago and I imagine it's more common now.

I've got to say the whole failure of the marriage and the constant low level rejection broke me. It has ruined my self esteem. Mutual desire and crazy sex in the early days is not 2% of your relationship. You're already going through his phone and questioning him and doubting yourself . I promise you it will only get worse.

I would finish it and tell him you need someone "more sexy and who desires you and is hot for sex". Don't make it about you or make excuses for reason as it's valid.
see how that plays out...

You should not feel insecure about it. there is something else going on - back out before there are children or shared finances. I'm really sorry to say this - it's the biggest regret of my life that I didn't do the same when I was young enough xxx

Sounds like a young man that has his shit together. Which is becoming more common nowadays.
Women can't handle emotionally mature men. They have boundaries and won't be dragged into melodramatic dramas.
Sex and frequency of sex is a mature conversation that needs to be had between consenting adults in a growing relationship. If you cannot talk to him on this level then you need to do some work on yourself,

I think you need to start being honest with yourself. You have said he's wonderful and described the lack of sex as a 1-2% problem. If it's that small of an issue then crack on. Reading your actual word though it doesn't seem like a 1-2% problem. It seems much bigger than that. It seems like a compatibility issue. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

Nice username. Broooss fan?

He is gay, he wants children and you will do, does he like lots of foreplay with you, does he spend ages pleasing you, does he love your body, does he get turned on when you walk around naked or get out of the shower, can he keep his hands off you, if hes gay he will still want sex, who is he looking buff for if hes not interested in women, who initiates sex, he may seem perfect but do you want to just live with a mate

It’s giving anti-Tate nice guy- except in reality, he’s obviously covering the real reason he doesn’t want to have sex. How can he suggest that having sex with your exclusive monogamous partner equates to being a fuck boy😂

Sorry of course there is, the biggest sign is he doesn't want sex with you a woman.

Does he know you think he's amazing at sex, OP?

I'm going to throw out a curve ball here - he may not have had much of a romantic history before you. Is this possible? If so, then he could be trying so hard to get it right, that he's getting it wrong. If he hasn't ever been in a real relationship before (quite possible in an age of situationships) or he has, but his last partner had a low sex drive and reacted badly to feeling pressured (also very possible) then he might think you're testing him. Trying to find out if he's just "a fuckboy", as he put it.

It sounds like he really sees a future in this, and is trying to prove to you he's not just in it for the sex. If you two are talking kids, then that's an important thing to prove. Men can go really 0-60 when they decide it's time to settle down. All of this could be a case of he's decided it's time, he's decided you're the one, and he's determined to do everything right to secure you.

The downside to this is that if his switch has flipped, it may not be you, specifically, that he wants. He may just want to have a wife and be a husband, and tick that off the list of accomplishments. 30s is an age when your peers are all starting to marry and have kids, and men can feel that pressure too. If this is the case, my worry would be that he might change personality once he has you locked into marriage and kids.

But the most likely possibility is that you two just have differing sex drives, and there's no "reason" for that. You may not be compatible in the bedroom. It happens. Really the only way forward is to talk to him. Let him know you love the sex you have, and you'd like more of it.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important

I wouldn't say 99% of your relationship is so good if sex is important to you...

I have a very high sex drive (as does DH thankfully) and I would say it's more like 15-20% in terms of importance. Obviously things like trust, respect, making each other laugh, caring for one another etc are massively important too but being sexually compatible and enjoying intimacy with each other is the only thing that separates it from being a platonic relationship / friendship.

Don't get me wrong, there will always be times in any LTR / marriage when you have dry spells for whatever reason but when you've been together years you know that it's circumstantial and are sure of your feelings and that it'll come back around.

If you're not even on the same page one year in then it's only going to get worse unfortunately...

To be honest, some people just aren’t interested in sex. He doesn’t have to be gay, on steroids etc. There are lots of people in relationships that have sex very rarely or never, it doesn’t mean they love each other any less. He just may not be interested.

I would just ask him outright why he doesn’t want to regularly have sex with you. Just tell him that you would like to have sex more often and you don’t understand why he doesn’t. See what he says.

Straight men are not necessarily always gagging for it. Low sex drives do exist.

Ed for typo

I think you are just a womb to him, he's giving you the sex that you want but only very sparingly. He's deliberately leaving you craving for more so that you keep hoping he will give you more of what you want. Once you've provided him with the children that he wants he will turn off the sex tap and your function will be caring for his children.
He's in love with himself and he wants you to provide him with some copies of himself, he wants a lineage, that's why he needs a woman.

How many brothers and sisters does he have ?

Actually how often is sex ?
Does he do meditation or anything?

Could be a few things.

-Low(er) sex drive (yes it is entirely possible). Refreshing.

-Erectile dysfunction (I dated someone with this, he didn't mention it, but he made every excuse not to have sex, until one day he left an opened letter right at his front door so I had no choice but to see it the second I walked in, about making an appointment about the condition - obviously his way of telling me).

Only you can ask him what's going on, but fundamentally if you aren't aligned then it is going to be a hard slog.

You're in denial and allowing his good points to overshadow the basic fact that he doesn't find you sexually attractive. You will end up with your self-esteem in the gutter if you stay with him. He obviously wants the whole wife and children situation, but please don't allow him to coerce you into this halfway house of a relationship.

My ex-husband was like this OP - just not interested in sex. I realised quite early on that we were mismatched in terms of sex drive but thought I could still make it work - I couldn't. I just ended up feeling rejected and unattractive and even now, three years after separation, I am still struggling with those feelings. He's also a lovely man - but I did always have a sneaking suspicion that he's actually a very repressed gay man. Although I do think the truth is more likely that he just doesn't really enjoy sex that much.

I suspect he might not be straight. I had a boyfriend like this when I was in my early twenties.
he wasn’t really into sex and had some issues with having erections also. I thought not too much if it as it was a fairly casual thing but he has since come out as gay. Not surprised looking back. Picture perfect face and body, well groomed and just not much into sex at least not with me.
I’d try an approach the topic gently and ask how much sex h me is happy with and share your views and then perhaps talk about how it’s making you feel. If it doesn’t feel right. You might be better moving on as he probably isn’t right for you. Good luck.

I wouldn’t stick around. The good thing is you’re aware of it, so massive pat on the back for that. Loads of people wander unconsciously into a LTR or marriage with issues like this. As others have said, it’s hard to make it better if this is it from the beginning. Just because it seems the sex is good, doesn’t mean you’re compatible with this guy, that’s likely just your hormones talking nonsense to you. Whether he is gay, watches too much porn or has a low drive, he doesn’t have the same approach to your sex life, that’s key to future relationship success.

The first rule of MN is to have suspicions that the boyfriend/husband is gay. The second rule is porn overuse.

I do feel sorry for everyone who seem to spend all their time worrying that their partner is gay (even when there is no evidence).

This. Yes there could be other reasons but tbh I feel as though everyone is missing the most obvious - some people just aren't that into sex, either ever, or for a long period. Nobody questions it if a woman goes off sex for a long time, whether because of post pregnancy, menopause, grief, etc.,(I mean partners might moan about it but nobody finds it incredibly unusual to the point they start suggesting the woman must be a lesbian) but for some reason people can't get over the stereotype that men are always desperate for it.

Who knows if with him it tips over to what people might class as asexual (and tbh that's turned into a huge grey area anyway with all the demi-sexual, aromantic stuff), and again, it doesn't really matter, only he gets to decide his sexuality. All you can do is have a discussion with him, making it clear you aren't judging him but just wanting to get it out in the open - has he always had a low sex drive or does it go in peaks and troughs, was he the same with other partners, is it something that worries him about himself or is he happy with only having sex rarely/never?

Then make a decision about whether, knowing this information, you want to continue with the relationship.

There are some very harsh comments towards him on here. He's not doing anything 'wrong' at the moment - nobody owes another person sex. Similarly, some women might be perfectly happy with only having sex very occasionally but there's nothing wrong with you wanting it more often. But if the relationship is getting more serious you need to have a frank and honest discussion about it rather than brushing it under the carpet.