Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Hes gay x

It will get worse, if this is what he’s like in the “honeymoon” phase. Just have a look at the threads on here from people who are miserable in sexless marriages.

How often do you have sex OP?
And how often would you like to?

Some people just have a lower sex drive than others - my husband is one of them. Doesn't mean he is gay, seeing other people, using drugs etc - just that he doesn't have as high a sex drive as me.

We have two kids, I am now in my 50s and haven't had sex in about 7 years. I do wish we'd had more sex when we were younger and I do miss it. But I am happy with my life, our kids and my marriage - I am glad I married him as he is kind loving man and tbh if I asked, he'd probably be OK about me getting sex elsewhere but I won't I am OK with a racy book and my imagination :)

If I were you, think about if this is a dealbreaker for you - could you be where I am in a few years? Living with an affectionate best friend, raising (or have raised) two great kids in a house of love with a small sex life. There are worse things he could do (or not do) - it's about your priorities and what you can be happy with. If you need more sex, you wont get it from this man and you'll have to find someone else to marry and have kids with.

He's just odd.

Love how because he’s not that into sex he must be gay 🙄 it’s entirely possible it’s just not that big a deal for him. Mismatched sex drives are a potential relationship ender though.

How often do you actually have sex? How often do you see each other and not have sex?
I wouldn't jump to him being gay as PPs have, as you say it's great when you do it. It's hard to even say if he has an issue with his libido without knowing how many times it's happening.
Does he reject you when you initiate or is it just that he doesn't initiate much?

He is either gay or has a problematic relationship with sex (maybe childhood abuse or something like that).

@brunettemic
I said earlier in thread, if a man posted his GF wasn’t mad about sex would we be call her gay, porn addicted, on steroids?
He’d be called a selfish sex pest!!

Well, if it was just a low sex drive he wouldn't be so defensive about. His perception of sex seems quite negative.

Yep, 100% agree! Add on top of that if said man had gone through her phone.

As I’ve said before…1 ticket to the MN double standards show please.

While I am thinking about it, every couple of weeks, he books a spa or massage or some kind of treatment for me. One day I asked if he wanted to do a couples' massage together, and he said something like, "No. Massages are for you and only you." I didn't ask what he meant, but I found it confusing.

I wonder where he is and what he is doing while you are safely booked away at a massage. My guess is he's probably gay but it doesn't matter, either way you are unhappy. Talk to him and take it from there.

Have you ever asked him why he doesn’t like having sex? Being good, finishing etc isn’t the issue. He clearly just doesn’t like it. But you need to speak to him about it.

also how often do you had sex? I haven’t seen this is thread but sorry if it’s there. Because if it’s 4/5 times a week then your sex drive is very high if it’s once a fortnight it’s problem. What does he say when you initiate sex and he doesn’t want it? Do you use anything to sort yourself out so to speak between the intercourse?

Well men and women are different. Sorry if people don’t like to hear it but normal men want to have sex especially earlier on in a relationship.

It’s true that some men have a low sex drive. Whatever the reason, he’s out of order to suggest the op is weird because she expects physical intimacy.

I would say he may have been abused. I knew someone a bit like this once. Incredibly obsessed about looking good, going to the gym, his body etc. But something was missing regarding sex. Couldn't put my finger on it..he then blurted out he had been sexual abused as a child. I was stunned.

How long have you been together? How often is 'not often' for having sex? How long were you dating before you had sex? I know you said date 7 or 8, but what was the time scale. Again, how long had you been dating when he made the F Boy comment? You might have had 7 dates in 2 weeks for example. Its hard to say if there's an issue, without timings?

Why don’t you just ask him? We can all speculate as much as we want but the only person who knows why they don’t want to have sex is your BF. Try and have a very honest and clear conversation with him as it’s not going to get better by itself, probably worse as the years go by. Especially with kids involved. If you can accept that, then fine but it’s not what I would need in a relationship.

What does he say when you ask him about it?

Thank you all so much for your responses. There has been some very helpful stuff.

Some bullet points on questions asked/topics raised:

• Porn use - he lets me use his computer when I am around his, and I have gone through his search history, and there is nothing. At all. Sure he may use Google Incognito, but surely I'd expect to find something in his search history?
• Frequency of sex - we still live apart (although we have discussed living together), and we see each other on average 3-4 times a week (sometimes 2, sometimes 5 etc.), and we have sex maybe every 5th time we see each other. Even if we spend the whole weekend together, we will have sex only once.
• Mental health issues - I know there was an emotionally abusive family in his life 10-15 years ago. He was open and honest about it and said that he had seen a therapist, and that had helped him a lot. He has not spoken to this family member in more than 10 years. He likes to keep his apartment exceptionally clean, but I would not say it is OCD. He just places great emphasis on cleanliness.

Is he on antidepressants? That lowers libido.

he may just have a very low sex drive, some people are like that, nothing sinister. The question is how important is it to you?

I had a wonderful husband and the sex was superb.

We lasted ten years before he left me.

For a man......

How op presents the situation is that he actively tries to avoid being at home with her and seems appalled at the suggestion she might want to chill and sex with him. Not really your average low sex drive

Have you talked to him about your concerns.

@AutumnAllTheWay

Eh?? Sex shouldn’t smell