Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

OP you need to talk about it with him. However, be prepared that you probably won’t get an answer that probably won’t explain or answer anything.

Ultimately, although it might seem shallow to some, sexual incompatibility is a big deal and over time leads to resentment and slowly erodes a relationship. It won’t get better. If I were you, I’d get out now.

Ok, I am going to say that people are being negative on here. Just like women have different sex drives, so do men. Hormones play a large part. That does not make him gay!

A lower‑than‑expected sex drive in a young man is usually linked to stress, mood, lifestyle, relationship dynamics, or natural hormonal variation — not a lack of attraction or fitness. Libido varies hugely between individuals, and it naturally fluctuates over time.

@RoseKitten Sorry to be personal but how often is sex, what is your expectation. I'm joking here about numbers but if you are a 5 times a day type girl and he wants it twice a week, then the issue may not be just his? Not that it is necessarily an issue if he is otherwise the right one for you.

Going Camping was probably a big clue😀

It doesn’t really matter why does it? He’s just a man who doesn’t enjoy sex very often that’s fine for him but it’s you you should be thinking of. Accept him as he is or say goodbye to the relationship anything else is unfair.

Nobody will be able to say what his "problem" actually is, @RoseKitten . Not here, anyways. But, regardless of that, if you remove pondering why he is so uninterested in sex, there is something else you need to consider: This will NEVER get better, only worse. Look, in the early stages of a relationship, when things are new, people tend to have a lot of sex, they can't get enough of each other. And over time, as the relationship matures, especially when there are kids, too, sex will take less of a center stage.

(Before I am super corrected by anyone - I am not saying married people don't have sex, I know this all too well, my wife and I have been together for about 17+ years, and we still have frequent and amazing sex. So no, that is not what I am saying, at all.)

But, OP, your man is in his 30s, arguably a very active age, and he is in a relatively young relationship, and you, his partner already doesn't feel there is enough sex in this relationship. If you go down this path, an older you who is 10+ or 20+ years older will be regretting going through with is and wasting your years on a relationship where your needs were not met. Doesn't matter if he's gay, porn-addicted, or just simply not that into you physically, that is going to be the end result, unfortunately. And you can say how nice he is, or kind, or whatever, a good relationship is a sum of many things, sex being a part of those things - at least the two people wanting the same thing in terms of intimacy.

You sound very-very smitten with him, how he looks, but that will not make up for what you are missing for long.

What you need is an open, no-nonsene conversation with him. Ask why he avoids it, why he doesn't seem to need it.

Fwiw I wouldn't concentrate on the fuckboy comment. He probably meant he just wasn't after just sex and said it in a clumsy way.
I recently ended something with someone who was otherwise perfect because of sex. Decided to get out sooner rather than later because I knew it would destroy my confidence, lead to resentment and make me feel crap. I need sex for intimacy and to connect with someone. But I understand it's not easy if he's great in other ways. If you decide to stay you need to accept he'll never change especially if he's not said he's willing to work at it. But you need to have a big open honest conversation. If he's a nice guy this shouldn't be a problem. If you don't feel you can have the conversation this is a big sign something is wrong

The fuckboi comment is giving Tate-ish vibes

Or maybe not Tate but definitely manosphere bro

OP how often are you having sex?

Exactly this. Sex frequency typically reduces once the honeymoon period is over.

OP, if you're feeling the deficit now, imagine how much more problematic it'll feel when it dwindles further.

You've not yet said how often you're having sex vs how much sex you actually want. The sexless marriages support thread on here is quite the heartbreaking read. Think carefully before you commit to a life with this man. It's OK to value sex and intimacy as part of a romantic relationship, and those who dismiss it as "just sex" aren't really on the same page.

How often do you have sex?

It could just be a mismatch.

I always had a higher sex drive than my husband, but 15 years later mine has dwindled so now I'm glad!

It's a stereotype that all men constantly want sex.

I don't think it's right to assume a man with a low sex drive = porn addict or cheating or gay

Straight monogamous committed men can have low or fluctuating sex drives

The question is, is this a deal-breaker for you? You're allowed to think yes it is.

having a low sex drive and taking care of himself doesn’t make him gay, and it’s homophobic to say it does

This is the most likely cause IMO. Insanely common. Especially if long time porn user, they typically escalate to more and more hard-core or weird categories.

That adds a sense of real life can't compare, or guilt trying to reconcile two different desire paths. Plus they've already met their own needs, so don't really need to look to you for that. It sounds like when you do have sex it's about your pleasure - which is actually indicative as they resolve their own with porn.

How often do you have sex? I do think it’s worth having an honest conversation with him about. You need to know. Sounds like he’s probably going to get a bit defensive though. I’d tread carefully but tell him this is a potential dealbreaker for you and you need him to be honest. This might sound a bit weird, but it could be that he sees you more as a trophy girlfriend that he looks good with (hence the always wanting to take you out) and thinks you’re objectively beautiful but isn’t actually physically attracted to you, possible even if he’s straight. I had a bf once in my early 20s who was very beautiful, I knew everyone fancied him and tbh I think that’s why I wanted to be with him. We got along but we just didn’t have a deep enough connection for me to really fancy him that much (I’m aware it’s more likely a woman would feel like this than a man though) we did have good sex occasionally but I never really felt like I wanted to tear his clothes off.

My DH had his highest sex drive in this period with new relationship energy and we were still slightly mismatched. It has been a long-term problem and I’m not sure if I knew what I know now I’d have gone ahead.

My DH is endlessly kind, hardworking, equally contributes to the home, shares the mental load and is all round the best partner you could imagine, apart from sex. The mismatched sex drives still hurts and is a choice and a sacrifice I live with. The long-term impact of not feeling desired and not having your physical and intimacy needs met has been enormous for me at times

How often do you have sex? He might be asexual - it's a myth that men have higher sex drives than women.

How often is not very often OP?

There's a difference between once every few months, once a month once a week etc.

But if you think he is potentially husband material at the end of the day you need to learn to communicate with him. Talk to him about it. Not in an accusation way but a like to understand his view point.

There is also the misconception that sex has to be all or nothing - there is a lot in between which can bring you closer.

Some people just aren't that interested in sex. Everyone jumps to the conclusion 'oh they're gay' or 'porn addict' etc, but what if he just doesn't want sex? I say this as someone who doesn't have much interest in sex and will go weeks/months without it.

Can you have an honest discussion with him about it?
He does sound like a lovely guy.

How often do you have sex OP?

You have different sex drives...up to you if it's a deal breaker.

I don’t agree that we should immediately label him gay if he doesn’t want that much sex but I do agree with a PP that if it’s not great after just a year, it’s likely not going to get better. After children, couples tend to have sex less frequently. If you are both on the same page then that’s fine, if usually rectifies itself but if you are not and you are sensing something if off now, it’s definitely just going to get worse and you will become more unhappy. How often are you actually having sex? You need to have an open conversation with him.

I think the fuckboy message was probably him deflecting - if he knows he has a low sex drive he may feel a bit of shame about it and seek to reframe it as a good thing, or to pass his shame on to others.

I don't think he's necessarily gay. Some people have a lower sex drive. My partner is like this. We have absolutely fantastic sex when we have it, but that's far less often than I want.

Unfortunately I'm here to tell you it probably won't change if this is who he is. 14 years down the line I do feel like something important to me has been robbed from me. I've been through resentment and out the other side. If I were giving advice to someone in a brilliant new relationship where the sex wasn't really there, I'd say think carefully about whether this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. I've made the choice to stay but I do sometimes feel sad and angry that my sex life isn't what I'd prefer it to be. He's wonderful in most other regards but I wish I'd understood early on that it wasn't going to change.

that seems like the very worst conclusion without a lot of proof. Wouldn’t he be misogynistic controlling or just a bit of a dick if that were the case? Have you had similar experience?

Agree with this, its bleak that so many people are assuming he is gay just because he has a low sex drive. No one would say the same to a woman with a low sex drive.