Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Who knows, honestly! It would've been helpful if OP had said how often he does initiate, because if it's once a fortnight then I'd think he had a low sex drive but was pretty normal.

And yes, I'd have thought a gay guy would rather be a 'confirmed bachelor' and just pretend to be single in this day and age if he didn't want to come out as gay, but perhaps there are a lot of 'homoflexible' guys who heavily prefer men, but aren't repulsed by women?

Either way, I feel like something is weird going on with OP's boyfriend - even just due to the secrecy and lack of communication that others have mentioned.

Good call out.

What I'm trying to say is that frequency of sex has no correlation to the sexuality or interests of a man.

I'm a middle aged man with a lovely wife. Our marriage is a happy one. And 2-3 times a month is great. We match in terms of libido.

So rather than being gay, a cheater, or a porn addict, perhaps this dude just has a different sex drive.

But to be honest, this is my second marriage. And part of what ended the first was this type of mismatch. I was happy with once or twice a week. She wanted it every day. That's just not going to work. But it didn't mean I was gay or addicted to porn.

His gym routine is intense and obsessive. Maybe he is channelling so much energy into how he looks that he has little energy for sex?

Whatever the reason, sex is not a priority for him so you will have to decide if you can live with that in the long term. Definitely talk to him but I doubt you will be able to change it. Sounds like his enthusiasm lies elsewhere.

Mumsnet loves saying he's gay or a porn addict. But actually he might just have a lower sex drive than you. It happens

But how often are you having sex? Maybe yours is super unusually high!
Do you always initiate?
Does he ever initiate?
What happens if you initiate more?

If this was a man posting saying his GF doesn’t want sex very often, would she be labelled gay/porn addict/steroids??
He would be ripped apart for being selfish and a sex pest!!

Some people (including men) just have lower sex drives than others. There doesn’t have to be anything sinister afoot. If that doesn’t work for you, then that’s totally valid.

How mismatched are you guys? Is there any possibility of meeting in the middle or are you too far out? If you’d ideally like daily sex and he’s a once a month guy, for example, then that’s a wash.

Your boyfriend is gay I'm sorry.

I used to date a guy exactly like this. Lovely man, very sweet and kind, went to the gym almost daily, definitely hetero but low libido.
We split up - not really because of that tbh. But I suspect your chap is the same.
It's fine - he's entitled to have boundaries around sex and only have the sex he wants to have but equally you need to be happy as well. Depends how significant this is for you.

Everyone here is focused on the libido but I think the biggest red flags are the other things you’ve mentioned. He rarely wants to be at home with you, he focuses on taking you out to ‘nice’ places where he will then put on PDAs, he books you treatments every other week but never goes with you.

Honestly, you sound more like a product or novelty for him than his girlfriend.

He's probably gay

Had a friend in a great relationship with a very successful guy, amazing apartment in an exclusive area, he was really into his looks and grooming, designer clothes, but he was not that interested in sex, very affectionate, she had a niggling feeling something was a bit off, but when they did have sex she said it amazing, Other than the infrequent sex, he seemed ideal. Eventually it came out he was gay, she said only then she realized all his moves in bed were not from desire but were a rehearsed drill.

One of the funny things niggling her during the relationship was that he had drawers full of whitey tightie Calvin Klein’s, which she would always bring up with us, as being a quirk she couldn’t really get her head around, that he must be a bit OCD etc. He was a very senior exec in a bank dealing with old family HNW individuals, and was concerned his career would be impacted by being gay, he obviously felt he needed an attractive woman on his arm for business dinners and socialising to throw off any suspicion. In her head she had a future mapped out with him, she went absolutely psycho on him when she found out, I imagine she was the last female he ever risked using as a cover.🫣.

I hope your situation is different, but it reminded me so much of my friends.

Sex isn't the whole of the issue here. It's very very strange that he doesn't want to spend any time with you at either of your homes. Marriage involves a lot of time at home, cooking, pottering, generally hanging out. It's the opposite of being out and going to spa days.

There is something deeply off and performative here OP, I can't see a future here I'm afraid

If you can’t be open and have this conversation with him, this relationship is not going to work. That’s the bottom line, regardless of what the reason is.

He books a spa for you every 2 weeks?! That is a bit extreme and would be a prime cover for cheating, especially if he is gay. Honestly the next time he does that I would pretend to go and then see what he’s up to.

Other than that your options are to check his phone more thoroughly- for hidden/deleted messages, hidden apps, gay dating apps, the kind of porn he watches. Or check for a burner phone.

And last of all ask him very directly as others have said. Just be aware once you confront him, he may not be honest and may make up a fake reason. And if he’s hiding something like gay/cheating, he will obviously lie and be alert you are onto him and only get more careful at hiding it. So if you’re going to snoop, do that first.

Of course I’m not saying he’s definitely gay, it could be simply low sex drive, or trauma or something else. But I can’t believe you haven’t asked him yet after a a year. You can’t carry on without finding out what’s going on. At least then you’ll know and can make an informed decision.

But as others have said, does it really matter. Even if it’s something innocent like a low sex drive - the real question is can you live with that. If you can, you need to find out if it is that innocent or not. Because obviously if he’s gay, this relationship wont have a happy ending regardless.

You also need to realise he might be making an effort to make the sex amazing now to reel you in, but once you’re married/have kids he might stop having sex altogether, or it might start being terrible.

Because it turns out he actually hates sex/is gay or whatever. The fact he never initiates is not a good sign, like he would have no sex if he could and is just acting for you. You could try stopping initiating and see if he ever does.

It seems to me like you are afraid of the answer.

I'm with @WorkHardPlay and @Sodthesystem and I think he wants a LOT of control over his life and yours. The fuckboy comment sounds like it's intended to shame.

It might be an idea to consider the future you want and whether he would adapt well to e.g. the chaos of family life.

My last partner had a low sex drive and also only wanted it on his terms (when the stars aligned and it was his idea) and held up his sister's sexless marriage as an example...it doesn't make a person feel good long term.

If you cannot have an open, albeit uncomfortable, conversation with him, then how do you expect to navigate life, marriage, and children with this man? Just talk to him.

So, the only thing to do is to communicate how you feel.
He is a nice man so no harm in saying you enjoy sex and would like even more.
Instigate more intimate sexual encounters yourself and see where it goes.

Homosexual but hasn’t faced up to it yet?

There's no point pursuing this OP. No-one has more sex later than they do in the first year of their relationship. Concentrate on how low this will make you feel if you commit to a life of it - it will eat away at your confidence, you will lose respect for him and yourself.
There will be someone out there who is well matched to him, and someone who is well matched to you too.

You don't need to wonder why he is this way - just accept that he is and it's not for you.
The fuckboy comment implies all sorts of things I'd be uncomfortable with btw.

Gay or porn addled

I think you need to weigh up your future with him anyway. The actual reason for the mismatch doesn't matter IMO. There is a mismatch and you need to decide if its a dealbreaker.

Believe it or not, some men aren't fascinated by sex despite being rather good at it. They prioritise other interests, and this doesn't make them gay or porn-addled or traumatised or reliant on Viagra. It just means sex isn't that important to them in the grander scheme of things.

In my 60+ years lifetime, thanks to marketing, I've seen our culture completely transform to the point where sex seems to be widely accepted as the driving force for everything. In that context, it can be hard to separate feelings of desirability from feelings of self-worth. The two seem to be inextricably linked. That's what sells products!

He obviously desires you, OP, or the sex would be shit. The question is whether you actually want more sex more often, or whether you're anxious for special reassurance that you matter to him. Does sex seem to demonstrate that in a way that nothing else does?

It's a shame that your sex drives are mismatched, and perhaps this is a dealbreaker for you. As PPs have mentioned though, later in life you might consider it less important than being with someone kind and considerate who is also hot and rather good in bed (albeit occasionally). Only you can decide!

The fuckboy message wasn’t great but possibly he meant it in a self-deprecating way and it just came across wrong- trying to tell you that he’s not a stud rather than suggesting anything about promiscuity.. I wouldn’t assume he meant anything unpleasant by it if he’s otherwise a nice chap.

The right answer is often the simplest- he has a low sex drive. Up to you whether this is a deal breaker.

lol as someone in a dry canyon era of life he sounds a dream 😂

Maybe because he expends so much energy at the gym he literally can’t be bothered to have sex because he’s tired?!
Low sex drive isn’t unheard of in men, I think you’ve fallen into the trap that because he looks after himself and keeps in great shape that is going to equate to him having a high sex drive.
It is a bit of an odd mindset, when I see men walking around who obviously have a pretty serious exercise regime/gym habit I don’t equate that to them having a high sex drive? I equate that to them spending a lot of time and energy/dedication and would wonder if that meant they would be absent for a lot of the morning/evening.
Despite all the numerous good points you’ve listed, you’re obviously fundamentally unhappy otherwise you wouldn’t be posting.
Mismatched sex drives do bring misery, we’re just used to the genders being reversed because usually it’s women who are perimenopausal, exhausted, bogged down with household/childcare that have less inclination.
I don’t suspect he’s gay from what you’ve said, if he’s very disciplined/routine driven, super tidy etc I wonder if it’s having sex itself that’s an issue because of losing control, mess, body fluids etc but I think it just isn’t a big priority for him.