Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

I don’t think he is gay or asexual or whatever else posters are hypothesising. It’s 2026, most people who are gay are just gay - they don’t need a beard.

I think he’s just not a sexual person. They do exist. My own husband has had issues with low libido over the years as a side effect of long term antidepressants as a teenager but we worked on it and I’m happy with our sex life now even though I’m sure others would say we don’t do it “enough”.

You just have mismatched sex drives and sex isn’t that important to him - that can be fine or you can decide it is a deal breaker. All these posts suggesting there is something “wrong” with him are a bit bizarre.

I'm ancient and in my younger days I'd never have got to a seventh date without sex - I'd have ended it as either I didn't fancy him enough or vice versa!

My first thought was childhood sexual abuse. Regardless of the reasons, I don't think this will work for you long term, you will end up cheating or leaving, and you don't want this happening after you've had kids.

The daughter of a friend of mine recently got divorced two years into her marriage after she discovered that her husband had been having an affair with a transwoman for 9 months. TBH there were red flags before the wedding but since the husband ticked so many boxes I think that the family were in denial.

Have you asked him if it would be possible to have sex more, and if there is something bothering him? It could be that he has some insecurities, it could be that sex isn't of much interest to him in general, any multitude of reasons. Realistically, no-on on this forum can tell you the answer, only he can. It might be a problem you can solve together. If it's not, then you can then consider whether it's a deal breaker for you.

Is he on any medication? Some BP meds reduce sex drive. It could be as simple as that. Have you ever spoken to him about it?

You need to move on. Sex is an important part of a relationship. You are mismatched.

OP, take it from me that minor irritations when you're dating become really big annoyances when you're married. This isn't a minor irritation though, this is a big issue which may be the thing that ultimately destroys a marriage if you choose to stay with him and try to build a future.

So he says he wants children, but do you really think he's going to go through the rigamarole of trying to conceive? And when you approach him about it, he'll replace the word fuckboy with sperm donor on deflecting.

There are loads of possibilities for why he rarely wants sex, none of us know (though my money is on porn addict, I think this is a much bigger issue than people realise) but you are going to destroy your self-esteem in trying to fix this, when you can't.

Well I suppose no one but him can say whether the sex they do have is just him going through the motions to try to keep OP happy, or whether it’s just the sex he wants to have. The fact OP called it the best sex of her life didn’t suggest to me like he didn’t really want to be having it though

He might be gay, he might be porn addled, he might have a shameful sexual fetish, he might be on steroids, he might have been sexually abused, he might just have a really low sex drive.

It doesn't really matter, the issue is that YOU are not getting as much sex as you'd like, and it is unlikely this is going to change permanently, so is going to erode YOUR happiness.
He's not the man for you.

My first thought way he is gay .
my head went more to he is so hell bent on showing off his body he would rather be out and about . Does he like his ego being stroked? Does he have a small penis he could be embarrassed about ?
Maybe he has always had a low sex drive , so it’s a touchy subject .

If this is what it’s like in your 30s it won’t get better. .Get your head ready for this to come to an end . Have a discussion with him about it and see what he says.
I also don’t like the f.boy comment .

How often do you have sex ?
Can I ask is the sex timed with these massages by any chance ?
If so maybe this is his kink .

I don't think anyone said twice a week meant a man must be gay??

And yes, men can have low sex drives, especially if there are contributing factors. But in practice it seems that if a man never seems keen on sex early on in a relationship, he very frequently turns out to be gay. (Also, in a committed relationship, 'meaningful and intimate' doesn't mean 'almost never'.)

He could have a fetish or a kink that he doesn’t want to reveal to OP until she is reeled in.

OP, check his place for secret sex dungeons.

What does rarely initiates sex means? Like once a week/month/year? When you initiate sex does he reject you what% of the time? When he does agree to have sex is he reluctant or really enjoying himself? How often do you wish you would have sex and how often do you have sex?

He could have some ED issues that makes him insecure. He might have a low sex drive due to meds (current or previous). He could be gay. He could have porn addiction. He could be ace. He could have trauma. He could have low sex drive.

You just have to have a conversation when you're not frustrated. Ask him what he thinks of your sex life and how he feels about it. You then share your observations and what you wish would be different. Then you have to see if those expectations match.

Maybe this is why this very attractive, kind and attentive man was single. He seems like a catch in terms of looks and personality but perhaps others could not get over this lack of sex thing.

I think the fact he is so kind and thoughtful is a bit of a giveaway Im afraid .He is like many gay guys, in touch with his feminine side.Of course many men can be kind as well .but you say he works out at the gym,is in his 30s and is incredibly handsome,He should be gagging for it! Many men can be gay and it goes under the radar.At this stage in your RL you should be unable to keep your hands off each other . It's not all about him ,you have to decide if you can live with a sexless RL .Believe me it will get worse over time!

It's so bloody offensive, she's not a sex addict.

I'd dump this one he's got issues you can't fix.

Don’t marry or have a family with this man. This problem will ruin your relationship in the long run.

Fair enough. But OP mentioned that when there is intimacy, it is great.

Perhaps it is different for gay guys. But the thought of being intimate with another guy is just viscerally unappealing. And a gay buddy of mine has told me the thought of touching a vagina makes him physically ill. So I guess I wonder how a gay guy could be great in bed when his partner's equipment is literally the opposite of what he is sexually attracted to.

But hey, I'm making a lot of assumptions. So maybe I'm completely wrong.

They’ve already had sex so how does having it extremely infrequently make it more special? You’d think he’d wait til engagement/marriage if it was a case of waiting for the right person.

What a weird comment. Sex isn't just about having an orgasm/scratching that itch, it's about feeling desired by someone and having that connection.

I certainly didn't want to be 'swinging from chandeliers' when we were busy with life and kids but equally, I'd have been gutted if my husband didnt seem to fancy me or have any desire to have sex with me.

This! Look at all the posts from women upset at the guilt from partners with higher sex drives…. All full of sympathy, he gets called a sex pest, how dare he! Etc- does the poster ever get told “you must be gay then!” ?

There have been many threads on here about men not interested in sex or with a low sex drive. It’s probably quite common. Maybe it’s just that.

Not sure about the massages he is booking for you. What’s that about? I wouldn’t want someone to do that for me tbh.

Is it offensive? I had a girl friend who really wanted a FWB situation. And I mean really wanted it. I told her that I wasn't really into it (also, I knew she had feelings for me that I didn't want to encourage).

Obviously that isn't the situation here. But it isn't unusual for a man to express his sexual preferences even when they are stated in a very clumsy way.

Men don't always want sex or want sex all the time. But clearly, there is a mismatch in libido. That's common. But it doesn't mean the dude is gay.

Although now I'm wondering how many girls I dated thing I'm gay!