Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

@RoseKitten , that doesn't mean he is not heterosexual.

My first and second thought was he is not heterosexual. My 3rd was gym/steroids. But you say he does not take steroids.

I also get the impression that he could be not 'very nice and wonderful'. That f..boy comment...hmmm.

Trust me, you don't always see signs of being gay or confused. Someone can be gay without giving the tiniest indication.

His one big indication though is his disinterest in sex with his girlfriend. Add to that, his strong interest in how he looks, PDA initiated by him but no private DA, no initiation of sex etc and it points more in one direction.

He could be secretly gay and in denial, or just using you as a cover for cultural/family reasons.

He could just have a very low sex drive. Some people do, even fantastically sexy, good looking people.

He could be a huge porn user and gets all his sexual tension out that way, leaving no little need for actual sex. problem.

He could ED issues caused by drugs or densitisation due to porn.

You say you've been together around a year. How regular or irregular is this sex? Can you still count the number of times you've done it?

Like many others have asked, how rare is rare? And is he in his early or late 30s?

If rarely is once a week, I would say that a compromise could be navigated. If it is once a month, it gets much harder.

But I think the assumption that men ‘should be up for it all the time’ is damaging to both men and women.

One of the bizarre things about sex is that for most people (maybe especially in the U.K.) it is much easier to do than talk about. You really need to talk to him about what you need and what he needs and see if there is a meeting point somewhere (or not).

Oh flip does that mean this isn’t real?

I think you will just need to ask straight out - that you love having sex with him but ideally more often and that he would initiate.

It’s not clear from the OP how often you are having sex. I think you might need to set out your minimim
expectation.

Due to his great physique it’s unlikely he is low in testosterone which is why others have mentioned steroids. I know you don’t think it’s likely but (as a gym going / weight lifter) that still seems like the most obvious explanation to me.

My DH and I were doing it twice a day most days in the first two years.

Now I’m lucky if he’s interested once every two months - OP if he’s this bad now, the frequency will not improve over time.

Aren't posters saying there's nothing wrong with a low sex drive missing the point? I don't think the problem is a low sex drive, it's that he doesn't want to have sex with his partner. It's amazing when they do it, but I suspect that's just to keep her sweet and stay in the relationship, since he avoids it at all costs.

You seem to have weighed everything up and made a decision though OP. Best of luck to you both! 🙂

Gay, asexual, porn addict - what does it matter. Staying with him will erode your self esteem. Eventually you’ll turn to another man, or something like food to supplement the lack of sex. Or you’ll just be miserable with no outlet at all. Lack of desire can be so crushing to our mental and physical health. At least this man has been upfront about with who is from the start (unlike others that put on a facade until you’re in too deep to leave). Please take it from those that have been there - throw this one back. I wouldn’t waste any more time dissecting it.

All have been touched on, but answers are one or multiple of the following:

Steroids
Gay
Overuse of porn
Low sex drive

Regardless, you're a mismatch. Cut your losses and move on OP.

While I am thinking about it, every couple of weeks, he books a spa or massage or some kind of treatment for me. One day I asked if he wanted to do a couples' massage together, and he said something like, "No. Massages are for you and only you." I didn't ask what he meant, but I found it confusing.

It's all very performative and a bit controlling isn't it?

And I've got to say this OP - if he doesn't want sex now, when you're dating and should be ripping each other's clothes off at every opportunity - imagine what things will be like if you marry. Marriage is looooong! It's supposed to be for the rest of your life. I've been married for 20 years and if you aren't having sex now you definitely won't be once you've been married a few years. Don't condemn yourself to that. Being sexually compatible is so important. If you like sex, then you need to be with someone else who does too. It would be fine if you had a sex drive that matched his, but you don't.

He's been objectified used/before and is worried about it now?

I don’t think anyone is saying there’s nothing wrong with a low sex drive and therefore OP shouldn’t care.

Just that men with low sex drives exist, and it doesn’t automatically mean they’re gay, or on steroids, or addicted to porn. There’s nothing wrong with it in the sense that it doesn’t mean he’s hiding a secret. The problem for the relationship is lack of compatibility, and it’s an issue that would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

You’ve been together a year just be blunt and have the conversation.

it sounds like he just has a low sex drive and is a bit insecure about it.
Go for a walk so you are side by side rather than face to face. And say something along the lines of I’d like if we had sex a bit more often Or are you happy with the amount of sex we have?

I don’t think he’s gay

Ah, see I read it as he doesn't want it at all and has the minimum amount of sex so that she doesn't end the relationship, which is different to simply having a low libido. Maybe I've got that wrong. It was the info in the OP, like him avoiding being alone together and that bizarre fuckboy comment that made me think that. I agree men absolutely shouldn't be shamed for having a low sex drive.

This sounds like more of a psychological issue to me. I think you need to have a serious talk with him and see if he will consider therapy.
I can’t see the relationship lasting if you don’t sort this out, and if you want kids with him that’s going to be quite difficult if you don’t have sex!

Some people just aren't that interested or bothered, I am like him. I also take good care of myself but definitely not to be sexually attractive.

Oh…

I think you need to ask yourself in 10 years time when you’re knee deep in two children. What’s going to be more important to you swinging from the chandeliers or having a supportive lovely kind handsome husband in the trenches with you
Just go for a wank it’s what men have been doing for hundreds of years with mismatched sex drives
They still have successful marriages in theory

How infrequent are we talking, a lot of assumptions being made with little facts, once a week could be little to you or once a month?
Some context would be good.

What happens if you initiate sex ,does he brush you off?

Massive red flag if he doesn't want to spend lots of time with you alone at home having sex at the beginning of the relationship. Run.

This thread is amazing!

My boyfriend doesn't want to more than twice a week. He must be Gay! That's like blokes on here saying that because their wives are disinterested in sex, or have a lower sex drive, they MUST be lesbian.

Women realize that for many men, sex is a meaningful and intimate experience? Not all of us want to do it like rabbits. Amazing gender sterotypes being promoted here. LOL

He sounds like a Dom I once dated best sex ever. Maybe once a month.

He wants children but doesn’t want sex? How will that work? If you don’t get pregnant easily is he going to be up for having regular sex to try and make it happen?

A year in and you are already unhappy with the sex. Imagine how you may feel in 5,10 years time. You need to work out how important a sex life is to or whether it will slowly erode you.

I have to admit that my initial thought was that he might be gay.

If not, and you seem convinced he isn't, then he just has a low level libido, for whatever reason, and you need to decide whether you can handle that or not. Fwiw, I don't think sex is only 2 per cent of a relationship. It is central, especially when you are young.