Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Obviously you find him physically attractive, but he sounds like, well, a robot perhaps? Or cosplay.

Like an AI version of what a perfect boyfriend should be.

I think this could be behind why you've gone a year without bringing this up, that actually you're not truly emotionally intimate with each other.

And mine.

Oh fgs. I (a woman) always had a low-ish sex drive. Higher when very young, lower now. I was called frigid, prude, dyke, nun and other lovely names by some of my shithead teenage boyfriends back in the day. Is that ok to say? Am I a frigid, prudish 'dyke'?

There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with this man from what OP writes. She says he's brilliant in every way. He just has a lower sex drive. Yet he's obviously gay, porn-addled, Patric Bateman, on steroids, a fetishist, what else. So I guess, OP, do the classic MN: ducks in a row, log it with 101, and leave the bastard.

DON'T badger him for more sex, that's rapey. And don't have the 'talk' - that's coercion. I, as a woman, wouldn't appreciate it if a man I'm seeing started wheedling for more sex, trying to guilt-trip me into it or 'have a talk'. What would such 'talk' achieve, however gentle the talk might be? I'm not going to suddenly want to jump his bones every second day, unless I force myself to. So I'd just dump him for being a pest. So don't be a pest. Your choices are to leave him or stay and make peace with less sex, but you have no right to badger him.

I have a partner with a lower sex drive; we're well matched in this regard. I'm also in my 30s. He's a good man, intelligent, interesting, kind, good-looking, also gyms. And no, he's not gay, not on steroids, not porn-addled, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him. We're both just not sex-motivated, perfectly happy with once a week; there are so many more interesting things than that. Seriously.

I don’t actually get the impression that you know him very well. You’re very taken in with his looks and his charm and kindness but what about him as a person? It all sounds like a sort of film rather than a real relationship. Do you talk a lot about your feelings, needs thoughts about life? Has he told you about his background, his schooling and experiences with other women? Has he had long term relationships before you? What are his relationships with his family like? He sounds like a cardboard cut out. He also sounds quite controlling. What’s with the booking of the massages? That’s rather odd.

No, no, no. Omg, if this is an issue right now, at the beginning, I cannot imagine what it would be like if you did marry and have kids. 🙈

I have been in a sexless marriage. It is intensely painful and depressing. The feeling of entrapment is like nothing else. You can't have sex with your spouse, but you can't have it with anyone else, either. It's a profoundly depressing and isolating place to be. In the longterm, it's psychologically damaging, because you spend your best and most attractive years put on ice. Not for nothing is lack of sex grounds for divorce pretty much everywhere. The lack of sex in my former marriage is a massive reason why I'd never marry again. No way am I giving anyone that much control over my wellbeing again.

You say he would be a wonderful husband and father....well no, he wouldn't be. He doesn't want to take part on one of the major things that sets a marriage apart from all other relationships...sex.

He's not the one for you, OP. This mismatch is too great. Get out now, before his lack of desire for you hurts you any further.

OP, the why doesn't matter. You have a huge mismatch sexually. You say you love him deeply - well, stop that. He's not the one.

I love the way you say that the sex is the missing 1-2 percent. HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! That was a bitter laugh, ICYMI. Wait until you're committed and trapped with no sex. That 1-2 percent will mysteriously mushroom to be 75% of your headspace.

The fact that he’s a supposedly perfect bf but they can’t talk intimately with each other is part of the oddness.

As the poster just below you said, where is the emotional intimacy? I think the word performative has been used elsewhere. It’s less to do with sex drive and more about shutting down conversation by declaring he’s not a fuck boy; arranging regular spa dates and fine dining; not wanting to be at home and just chill together (avoiding that kind of intimacy); never imitating sex. It’s all a bit bizarre to my ears.

Not when it's only been a year and they don't even live together! If it's that infrequent when they don't live together, can you imagine what it'll be like after 15 years of marriage and two kids?

Ouch, it's not controlling🤣, I think what is weird is the low efforts, bare minimum many brits put into relationships and marriages.
He makes the suggestion, I choose where I want to go and he pays for it, and I go by myself, he's not there to monitor me, what I do, eat, where I go, who I see, in fact if I wanted to hook up with other guys, I would do it conveniently without him knowing, thankfully, I'm not such person.
I often even choose an hotel in the same city as he was and went out a lot to enjoy the city by myself, caught up with my family and friends in the city and return to the hotel at night, without needing him to chaperone me around.
Sorry, where i come from, relationships and family are big deal. It's when I moved to the UK I witnessed severe culture shock in relationships and what people see as "normal".
What's spa session that is not a manly thing for a man to do for his girlfriend?

Well said. Some of these replies are absurd. Some guys just have lower sex drives, they do exist!

I could not disagree more with your last statement. You do NOT get used to it, once you're trapped in a sexless marriage, you get more and more and more depressed and lonely and desperate. I'm going to assume you've never been trapped in a sexless marriage if you think that you can get used to the one person in the world you're "allowed" to have sex with not wanting sex with you.

How is it not normal for a boyfriend to want his girlfriend to explore and enjoy her single years?🤣 How is it not normal if he has the means to have his girlfriend build memories without slotting himself into every bit of it?
I think what you have normalised is controlling, if my boyfriend had me spent all my annual leave in his house, shagging me every day, cooking for me, that would be called romantic right?
But him wanting me to go and enjoy my break from work on my own, on my terms is controlling?😅

Totally agree.

OP, you don't even live together and you have sex maybe once every 5 times you see each other. You do realise that this is the most sex you're ever going to get with him? After commitment, and kids, you'll get way, WAY less than you do now. It always gets less with time, not more.

I would be terrified in your shoes, knowing what it's like to be in a sexless marriage. I would turn tail and run for the hills.

You should be with someone who wants to fling you up against the wall and can't get enough of you. He sounds like an excellent friend, but there is no passion.

There is no reason to marry, anyway, unless you find someone who has the qualities that you like in this man but who also has passion for you.

Don't settle because you want kids. I get the biological pressure, I really do, but if this is an issue for you, you could always take some of the pressure off by freezing your eggs. I think it's a great insurance policy. It's not cheap, but some places offer it free if you also donate some eggs.

Try to separate this man from the biological issues that us women face.

This is a fantastic video about how to handle the issue:
s

Yes, this

Painful but you'd best be moving on from this OP @RoseKitten

It will eat you up eventually and you deserve someone who is all in for you.

Its the fact that someone who supposedly loves you and who is going through "honeymoon stage" with you a) wants you away from him for 2 weeks when you have time off and b) wants to make sure he is in totally charge of where you are during those 2 weeks...This is fucking weird tbh.

Being in a relationship with someone means you cant quite "enjoy your single years" - and if you are single, why is this person dictating how you spend your time?

I was going to say give it a few more dates! Perhaps he just wants to take it slow.. but over a year! I agree with the mismatched sex drives there.

I read the posts as oddly refreshing because it seems that all men are interested in is sex that it's nice he wants to take you out and drop you home, it all came across as very respectful to me.

I agree with suggestions of ND. So many indicators from what you have said. Sex for some people with autism can be really intense, with lots of sensory overload and require a lot of energy. Doesn’t mean it’s not massively enjoyed but it’s not something indulged in as easily and spontaneously as it would be for others.

I think by that stage in my relationship with DH it had slowed down to once a week/fortnight. It was great when we did but also not the only thing we enjoyed doing together.

At worst you have differing sex drives but if he's perfect in every other way (including sex when you do have it) then is this something you're prepared to overlook?

Could he be into tantric.?

...I don't think you argument holds up fully because biologically men usually want to have sex far more often than women in any case.

You’re going to have to have an honest talk with him, to find out what he thinks and what the real reason is.

If you're in a relationship, you're STILL single, as long as you're not married or in a civil partnership, you're still single. You're not dating other people, but you're not married.
We saw each other often, every now and then, very regularly. So why should I not enjoy my annual break how I want it to be? Why should I be breathing the same air with him on my annual leave when we saw each other very often anyways? I would have found that very stifling and restrictive.
And no, he never dictated how I spent my time, you chose to interpret that, it's a suggestion, I had the right to take the option or not, Him: do you want to go and go and relax somewhere nice? Me: yes. Him: where do you want? Then, the plan starts.
And if it helps, we dated for well over 5 years before we got married, and I enjoyed every bit of it, now that we are married, I have no regrets, in fact, if I knew marriage and motherhood is this demanding, I would have gone on more solo trips than I did as a single lady.

I think many people treat dating stage as marriage, that's why there's a lot of issues and unreasonable expectations.
He was my boyfriend NOT my husband at the time, I made that clear to him and we acted accordingly. Till we married, he was just my boyfriend, then, fiancee when he proposed. Yes, we didn't date other people, but we were what we were and it helped us enforce healthy boundaries.

Anyways, thank God i was already married before I moved to the West, else😶

Wow! What a shock. I'm so sorry...

It's scary honestly. And I think society has done a disservice to men. To present them as "wild beings that want to empty their sacs every hour" And if a man is not doing that, something is wrong, he's gay or he doesn't like you or you are not attractive.
And boys feed into this narrative from a younger age into adulthood that it shapes their mindset, desires and behaviours unconsciously.
Some men have ruined themselves trying to live up to this expectation, some of labeled themselves as what they're not because they don't fit into the society's stereotype of "man".

It does a bit though doesn't it...? .hot, sweaty, juicy can kinda smell a bit (in a good way of course) ,🤪😂