Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

1. You’re not matched, sexually. Which isn’t great for you. But then again no relationship’s perfect, compromises have to be struck and 98% overall is v good. Who knows what causes his lack of desire. Or whether he’ll want to tell you the reason. Could be something v traumatic, like past abuse.
2. Speak to him about it. Be direct yet kind and sensitive. Use ‘I/me’ rather than ‘you’, so it doesn’t come across as critical or attacking, e.g. “I prefer to have sex more often, as it’s important to me. What are your thoughts on that? Could we find a better compromise?”.

Worth bearing in mind, it’s likely to get worse from your pov (or maybe balance you out) if you had kids. Babies/young kids can be passion-killers. They’re exhausting and physically draining (need lots of cuddles, breastfeeding etc), so you don’t always feel inclined to share your body with anyone else. And can be difficult to have privacy/feel relaxed enough/let go with wild abandon when there’s a risk you’ll hear the patter of little feet or they’ll overhear. Even romantic weekends away don’t necessarily work, as you can both be too shattered to be in the mood - and/or the pressure to perform can be counterproductive.

But then going to gym so often would be difficult if sharing childcare fairly. As would keeping a home super-tidy and being regimented. Young kids cause chaos and mess. You obvs have to put their needs first, so a person who strives for perfection and is used to certain routines and sport/hobbies can struggle to adjust.

He just has a lower sex drive than you do. If it's really important for you, he's not the man for you. Everyone is different.

My first husband had a very high sex drive, couldn't take no for an answer. It was exhausting and I started hating & resenting and avoiding sex. However I got on with him pretty well. I recoiled from affection as to him that was a 'come on'. I left him after 22 years. My current husband I've been with about 17 years. I was initially so relieved he had such a low sex drive. Very enjoyable when you are being pressured into it. After a few years I was so sexually frustrated! It was awful. Since then I've through the menopause and lost interest which is good as it's about 4 times a year (and 3 of those will be on holiday). and once he skipped a whole year! He's always been very affectionate though. I think your guys just got a low sex drive..... It's always tough for the one with as higher drive though. You might have to work out alternative options to make you both satisfied.....

it sounds like you really love him, he’s kind and looks after you. You’re mismatched in your sex drives right now, but it might not always be that way through the course of your lives.

I know a few men that sound similar to your boyfriend, nothing wrong with them, they just aren’t sex-driven.

I Was getting American Psycho vibes too😯

I apologise but I haven't rtft.
Alot of what you say about him is saying ND to me. Also the gym obsession and high standards would make me very wary of wanting children with him as those things would be hard to maintain once there's little ones on the scene and where does that leave you both.

I will say, my last relationship was long distance, my now ex had a very low sex drive and it just got soul destroying tbh not having sex as often as I'd have wanted. (Again, amazing person, similar wants in life and a very dear friend to me, we're still in touch now on good terms), it taught me it's very important to me. If it's niggling now, that's not going to go away

At the very least you need to have an open conversation with him

I agree with PPs that he could be closeted bisexual.

I know men that make an effort to look good... Hardly any of them do it to get sex from women. From other men? Hell yes. I briefly dated someone who was bisexual and super attentive in lots of ways, good-looking, clean, perfect husband/bf material, cultural outings, coffee in bed, picnics, sex was great when it happened... However it never happeed frequently enough for my liking.

Is there any chance he has any kind of health condition that may make sex difficult? Anything related to mobility, lungs, ...? Other guys I have dated that have offered rare but great sex have been chronically ill and preferred cuddling and affection to intense, frequent sex.

I have recently been dating someone quite similar. He's a footballer, he makes an effort to look really good, stylish and fit (social media pictures are ridiculous), the sex is amazing WHEN it happens, but it'll be just once per night, and overall maybe once a week. Again, much prefers affection, PDA like hand-holding in the supermarket, cuddling for hours, but not sex.

Generally it's a massive concern for me in dating overall. Men want a 'wife', not a 'mistress'. I think polyandry is the future.

Advice-wise, he is not going to change. Never believe that people can change, no matter what they say or what phases they may go through. So you need to decide if you can live with this or not.

The alternative is maybe a man who is 70% perfect but wants to go to bed with you. Maybe watch House of Guiness and ask whether he's open to opening up the relationship - not joking.

How often do you have sex OP?
Weekly /monthly?????
It could be that you have mismatched desires. Imo, there is no 'normal' amount of sex, everyone has different norms.
I don't agree that he is gay or into porn.
I know people who have had sex on their first date, others who have waited until they are married.
Neither is right or wrong, just right for those involved.
I would be wary of coming across as pushy.
Take care OP, hope all works out well

I know a man in his mid 20s, when you'd assume a man would be his most virile, who is also very into fitness and trains once or twice a day 6 days a week - his whole life is fitness. He also told me he rarely is in the mood for sex. He has a gorgeous girlfriend and they do have good sex when the mood strikes, but he just rarely has the desire.

I wonder if there is a link between training so much and sex drive?

The sex is fantastic but he doesn't really want to do it with you . Dump him , he might be gorgeous but wouldn't you be better off with a guy that wanted the same things as you

I once dated an athlete at uni (US runner) and he only had sex once a week due to running commitments and training schedules/sleep requirements. Took himself so seriously. Thought maybe it was just me but the girl after me complained the same. He was in his twenties 😬 It’s probably the gym thing affecting energy levels or just low sex drive
in general. Or he is self conscious or ocd about his body and won’t until he’s done all his self-grooming /work out rituals which may be only fit it at certain times (i’m being generous here). We are told men always want sex more than anything else but this isn’t always true in my experience but it feels strange when we have to initiate. No way would i put up with being the sole initiator, I’d get the ick.

What happens when you initiate sex?

If he wants children, as you do, then you’ll be having sex a lot more often doing it once every few weeks is not gonna get you pregnant. Maybe bring that up to him.

If you have kids together, youll be glad he only wants sex every now and then 😆

How did you meet this guy OP? Who initiated the relationship?

He might be gay or have a porn addiction.

Check what websites he goes on for clues.

How long do you know him and what do you know of his previous life?

I'd be digging for information and I wouldn't dream of having sex with him if I thought he was gay - too risky from an STD perspective.

I also wouldn't dream of having sex with him if I thought he had a porn addiction.
Porn is violence against women primarily.
Any man watching porn doesn't care about women.
They're just consumable commodities.

It doesn't matter why he is like this OP - he just is.

You want to know because you think you can change him - you can't (been there, done that, got the decree absolute).

Honestly you could spend months or years trying to figure it out- it doesn't matter, it makes no difference, and sorting that time you can get hooked into trying to twist a relationship into something that it isn't.

It isn't relevant how great he is in every other aspect of life, you just need to work out whether the sex frequency is a deal breaker for you, or not. If it is, then nothing else matters, he's got to go because it won't change.

I think the situation you're describing is just the situation the vast majority of men are in. Most men want sex more than their partner - somehow they manage to live with it. Not only that, but they'd be demonised if they said "my partner wants less sex than me, what's wrong with them?"

I would just ask him straight up if he has a low libido, is bi or watches a lot of porn. Not finding any porn just indicates he deletes it.

And back in the real world - few men want sex less than a young woman.

The ones who do are usually gay men using the young women as a beard.

Others may have a porn addiction - increasingly common with as young boys have unfettered access to porn since puberty - this generation is going to be the first one in history where porn addiction is more common than alcoholism.

He may have developed a problem if he is taking steroids or may have psychological problems.

I'd move on to be honest.

I don't think it's women's job to fix men.

Hi @RoseKitten read your replies but not the entire thread so not sure if this has been written.

Has it occured that you might not be particularly good fit in bed? Maybe he has a kink? I have read your replies about what a good lover he is to you but little about chemistry.

This is the biggest complaint I often hear... That sexual encounters are now so focused on the woman being in the right head space, foreplay is exclusively for them that some men feel like accessories to the woman's pleasure rather than it being a mutual experience.

Realise that sounds mysoginist btw! Obviously the sex is great from your point of view. I don't know... maybe it's not drive per se so much as it's not as good as you think it is...

All this fine dining, spas and body beautiful stuff makes him sound a bit of a twat. Where’s the substance?

I’m definitely straight and that would suit me fine. But I am 65. You are young. Go live your life x

It's not just the infrequent sex that makes me think he may be gay, although it is not a totally unreasonable indicator. It is that the way OP has described him as so perfect in other ways makes me wonder if it is just a performance to keep OP interested, whilst he is actually hiding the real him. He is putting in a great deal of effort to keep her on side, yet when she tried to talk to him about this issue he abruptly shut her down in a manner intended to prevent any further discussion. No explanation, no compromise or offer to talk or work things through, despite knowing how important it is for her. Seems very odd for someone otherwise working so hard to be perfect. If it was just about level of sex drive, and he's genuinely keen to please OP, then he should be open to discuss ways they could navigate this.

I would be equally unsurprised he turns out to be asexual or heterosexual with some sex-related trauma, or 'niche' preferences. Regardless, I do think much of what OP sees is a very well disciplined but unsustainable facade.

I've lost count of the threads on here that describe a husband who turns out to be gay or cheating or abusive and they almost always start with "He was so amazing and attentive until we married/had child" etc.

Hope I'm wrong but frequency of sex may turn out to be the least of OP's problems in this relationship.

He is totally gay, but clearly would not admit it even to himself.

He sounds tiring. The no sex thing would be a massive turn off for me.

Edited: I think he is gay based on your description of him. Not because of his sex drive. I know a lot of gay men and I really can see that he is homosexual.

If I am wrong, then there is another, much more complex/ darker reason for his behaviour (weird fetish, double life - this kind of stuff) - in any case, I would not consider thig guy for anything serious.