Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

I also wonder if he is ND as it sounds very similar to someone i know who is about that age.

Human sex drives are variable anyway and if it isn't enough for you then that is a problem - you've no need to feel as if you are asking too much of him.

He probably wont change that much now so it's up to you to decide whether you can or want to live with this or try and find out if it's possible to change things.
You could consult with a relationship/sex therapist - it might be helpful in allowing you to both talk about it in a safe space.

My only contribution can be this - he wants children but is regimented about certain things.
What happens OP if, for instance, you had a severely disabled child or very sick child with him (I have a severely disabled child which is why it comes to mind).
I understand you won’t want to think about that - not at fun, dating stage. But if you want to marry I think I’d be asking myself the very hard questions.
What if you become disabled?
Sick?
Cannot have children?
Want to change careers?
Have depression?

Its just lvery easy to be imagining a wonderful wedding with a beautiful man and perfect children but.. is he going to want to stop going to the gym for sleepless nights and crying children and a wife who looks possibly drastically different from now? Is he going to be as appealing if he puts on significant weight or loses his job and can’t pay for spa outings and dinners out or gym memberships?

The sex drive being low - fine. But ask yourself what he and you will feel like if even one of those things came to fruition.. or do t and carry on as you are and I wish you well.

My husband and I didn't have sex as much before we got married and we dated for over 5 years.
We are married for years now and I'm the one who avoids sex, he's ready to have sex everyday if I'm up for it. He literally wants me all the time.

But at the same time, his self restraint capacity is amazing, when I'm pregnant (I absolutely hate sex in pregnancy) he's content, supportive and still kind to me, when I'm postpartum he waits till I'm ready, no pressure, no drama.
And no, he doesn't watch porn, he doesn't cheat, he doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't play games, doesn't have night out.

There are many reasons people will restrain themselves from having sex before marriage, to mention a few:

1. Sex clouds our judgement of people's character, you won't be sure if you like them or the sex.
2. Many people get stuck in abusive, toxic relationship because they're addicted to the great sex, each time they want to leave, they remember the sex and they're crippled.
3. People have religious beliefs that forbids sex before marriage, many people still believe in and live by that.
4. People don't want to shag people they don't know/have their health history and behavioural patterns🤷🏻‍♀️

@tenderbee I also have experience of men like this (referring to your earlier post). IME, emotionally stable/mature men tend to have less impulsivity and a steady temperament, so there is less urgency around sex because they're not using sex to regulate emotions.

I've known plenty of men with a high sex drive who use it for stress relief, reassurance, mood regulation, ego boost, and/or distraction.

Whereas someone secure in themselves, secure in their relationship, and not driven by fear of rejection has a lack of anxiety-driven desire that can look like a lower sex drive. They tend to prioritise closeness, contentment and companionship - feeling safe, appreciated, competent, connected to their partner.

But women interpet low male desire as rejection. The script is that men should always want sex, and women must forever be desirable or ALL IS LOST, so there must be something horribly wrong with him, or us, or both, if he's not jumping on us all the time.

This is poisonous bullshit. It would be better to think in terms of whether he responds warmly when we initiate, whether he enjoys the intimacy when it happens, whether he stays emotionally connected to us generally, and whether he shows affection spontaneously. Is he consistent, loyal, gentle, present? That's the intimacy that really matters.

All this has changed a LOT in my lifetime. Marketing and the media have really done a number on us. It's really fucked up. I really think women need to stop outsourcing our sense of worth to men's libido (and stop judging a male "low" libido as pathological).

Impossible to follow for YOU maybe?

I use bold and italics to highlight certain points I want highlighted.

1 year is not enough to know his friends and family. I'm not saying knowing their names and locations. I'm talking about understanding them, their patterns, who they really are beyond the facade.

I hope that helps.

I just think he's restraining himself till you guys are married.

This makes no sense at all because they are having sex. 'Restraining oneself' is what religious people do when they are not having sex before marriage.

He also wants children.

This could be the issue. If he wants a family in a traditional 2 parent man and woman family unit and feel this is best for children, if he is gay or bisexual whether knowingly, or in denial, a drive for children in a conventional family structure may result in misleading behaviour. He may appear a perfect bf now but he won't be in 15 years when you never have sex and he's exploring other male relationships.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread really. You've identified a problem. Either it's a problem you can live with or you can't. If you can't then you have two options

Either you ask him about it and push and push until you feel you've got to the real truth and the bottom of any evasion and then decide if it is soluble. He's gay = not soluble. Something else = possibly soluble.

or you just end it which you obviously aren't going to do.

My prediction: you will carry on as you are with your head in the sand, cherry picking plausible excuses to yourself, because you have him on a pedestal and think he is perfect. At some point it will all blow up in your face and you'll get very hurt. This maybe before or after marriage but you will think back to this thread and remember that in your heart you knew it wasn't going to work for you.

Exactly

And the OP isn’t happy with it now never mind in a year or so

I think there's no harm in having one, kindly worded discussion about about your apparent mismatch in libido.

There may be a particular reason that can either be addressed, or provide you with certainty, possibly among those already suggested.

However it also could be the case that for him, his preferred frequency of intercourse is significantly different than yours, and that isn't a flaw, we're just all different.

It's then a question of do you accept the whole person as he is, or go your separate ways. Hoping someone will change, or trying to change them, seldom ends well.

@RoseKitten However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around.

This is a bit of a strange comment because you're making it sound as if waiting until date 7 or 8 for sex is a long time, but surely that would normally be considered a very brief time to be dating someone before having sex. Wouldn't 6 months or a year be more normal? How long did you date him for before having sex?

When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

Well yes. If I had to be up at 4 am, I would also kick a woman out of my house, no matter who it was. I need my sleep above everything else.

As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

Absolutely not.

Men primarily go to the gym for health reasons, vanity, and addiction (yes, people can get addicted to exercise and working out).

We do not go to the gym to attract women. That's simply because most of us have enough life experience to know that the gym and working out do absolutely nothing to attract women.

In the past when I've exercised heavily and went to the gym a lot, there was absolutely no difference in women noticing me or wanting to talk to me. Women treated me the exact same way, and that's exactly what I expected.

If you're a man and you go to the gym and build muscle, the only people you're going to impress is other men.

But they’ve already had sex? I don’t see how this is applicable in this case.

You've said it all.

Same women will cry and nail the man should he ask for sex 8 weeks after birth, but you wanted him to shag you every day before. Where should the sudden self restraint come from now? You want him to be wild but should suddenly become tamed when a season of your life demands it? It doesn't work that way, it is either there or not there.

I think women should be more focused on other traits, especially as a woman interested in having kids, your libido will not always be high, you will not always desire sex. If all other boxes tick, enjoy the sex, but I'll still say don't train him to be so obsessed with sex, it will end in tears.
Marriage is much more than sex especially with kids, if you don't want to have kids, a different story.

How built up is he? @RoseKitten Could he be taking steroids cos they will take away his libido and eventually shrivel his tackle to nothing

My first boyfriend was gorgeous but had almost no sex drive. It was just how he was. I got fed up with that PDQ.

She said she initiated on all cases they had sex, so if she doesn't initiate, he will probably not. He's probably not saying no because it will hurt her feelings.

I do feel he should have told her he wants to be celibate though, but then, he might be scared of losing her.

And what does he say when you ask him about it?

I just re-read your posts and this bit is really weird

While I am thinking about it, every couple of weeks, he books a spa or massage or some kind of treatment for me. One day I asked if he wanted to do a couples' massage together, and he said something like, "No. Massages are for you and only you." I didn't ask what he meant, but I found it confusing.

To me given you are dating and not married/permanent, for a straight man to be booking a spa or a massage for a woman he is just seeing "every couple of weeks" when he isn't going at all himself and has no interest in it is really odd. It's odd because spas and massage treatments of this type are very typically female activities. It's odd for a straight man to be thinking of stuff like this that frequently and booking it for you that regularly. It's so femine as a behaviour that I think this adds to the whole 'gay vibes' picture. On its own it might just be considered a bit strange but in the light of everything else you've posted, I think it's another pink flag.

I think he is gay.

The bottom line is he's not obsessed with sex. The issue isn't him, he's allowed to want sex, or not want sex, as much as he likes. It doesn't mean he must be gay or anything else, it's perfectly possible to be a man and not constantly want sex.
Don't make this into a 'him' problem or something that he has to solve. If there isn't enough sex for you then that's fair enough - it's unlikely to change and you are free to bail.

I struggle believe that in this day and age a man in his 30s is hiding the fact that he is gay if he comes from a westernised cultural background. He may just have a low sex drive. I do - I enjoy it occasionally but am fine not having it for years. The real question is what is your sex drive - is your problem that him not being all over you all the time makes you feel insecure or is your problem that you can't accept a life with this lower level of sex. The two give you very different answers for whether you should stay with him as with the first, it is your perception only you can probably fix BUT with the latter, you have to assume it will remain that way.

I'm forced to ask what kind of men you've been exposed to. Where I'm from, obviously not GB.
Some men send women on solo spa sessions, vacations, things the woman can personally enjoy and have good memories, the idea is, go and enjoy yourself, go and have a nice time.

My husband did this a lot when we were still dating, booked me into hotels for 1 week, 2 weeks on my annual leave, for I, me, and myself only🤣 . All meals paid and room service paid for. Spa sessions, he would ask me to go to events he think I would like, some I went with my friends, some I went alone.
Yes, he dropped by sometimes to check on me to make sure I'm okay and that's it.
He made sure I enjoyed my own company a lot, which I'm grateful for.

How is a basic spa session something a straight man should not think about for his woman? If he loves her, he wants her to be relaxed, he will think of what would benefit her even when she's not there.

I wonder if a spa or massage or some kind of treatment is booked so he knows where the OP is for a few hours and more importantly where she can't be. Buying himself a bit of free time in the knowledge he won't bump in to or even be contacted by the OP. Might be the cynic in me and it's actually just a lovely caring gesture.

I haven’t read the full thread here but just dropping in to say leave now.
I have wasted 25 years of my life married to a man who (I believe, he won’t talk about it) finds me repulsive physically, we do have children but that was a chore which he tolerated as we both wanted children.
We are now in too deep with caring responsibilities, life etc in the way but the moment life gets simpler I will be out the door. It is what it is for now but it’s incredibly sad and unfulfilling.
Go before you’re bogged down!

I find the spa thing creepy. Like a box-ticking girlfriend experience performance.

How is a basic spa session something a straight man should not think about for his woman? If he loves her, he wants her to be relaxed, he will think of what would benefit her even when she's not there.

I think you are deliberately missing the point. They aren't married and he is doing this every couple of weeks. It's very odd to be thinking of such femine activity that regularly and booking it that regularly. If she wants to go, she can book it herself. It has a slight aura of 'I think this is what boyfriends should do and I think this is what women like'. It's very female in vibe. Like I said on its own it would just be a bit odd but with the lack of sex and the grooming it just adds to the gay vibes here.

My husband did this a lot when we were still dating, booked me into hotels for 1 week, 2 weeks on my annual leave, for I, me, and myself only

This is downright peculiar and quite controlling if you were just dating. I think you have normalised strange behaviour. This is not normal for a dating partner to book someone a 2 week break for them to go on their own. That's not the same as a husband wanting to give his wife a bit of a break from the demands of child care and family life.

A way of getting physical enjoyment without him having to be involved. Him not bring there rules out any possibility of getting physical together. That was in response to @FuckRealityBringMeABook

Thing is too, is why would a man so into working out and his body and looks not want to go for a spa or massage or a treatment?