Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Ewww at the massage stuff. Patrick Batrman vibes

OP, you mention he may be ND. The way you describe him as performative would concern me if he is. If he is ND, it means he is masking. He has learnt how he should behave and how things should be done and is performing that. It also means once married and he feels secure, the mask is likely to go. Some autistic men also have low sex drives. The regimented planning, performative approach and sensory sensitivities are possible indicators.

Do not, not have children with this man if he is autistic. So, so, so many women find out their H is autistic after children, or knew before but only really see the impact of it after children. If he is, the complexity of life and demands that come with having children and supporting your wife, are likely to bring out all the difficulties that his autism creates for him. You and the kids will suffer for it.

I did not know my H was autistic till after having children. I thought he was the most wonderful, caring man before and thought he would be a great Dad. But he wasn't. He didn't have the cognitive capacity for that. Entirely due to the autism. Our relationship became extremely painful and imploded.

There are Cassandra sites for women married to autistic men and they are full of very unhappy women.

Gay...

Porn addled...

On steroids...

Not interested/attracted (even though the sex is fantastic)...

Because it can't EVER happen that a man simply has a lower sex drive than the woman he's with (even when, according to the OP's maths, they're having sex just under once a week, so not actually what many people would call "low" at all).

Of course if a man has a HIGHER sex drive than the woman he's with, and the temerity to raise it, however gently and sensitively, as a problem, then everybody get behind the sofa and wait till a bombardment that would put Gaza in the shade blows over. Seriously, imagine a man on here complaining that he's dating someone who only wants sex once every week-and-a-bit. 😳

Men... damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Mumsnet... Gotta love it. 😂

I’d be grateful if my husband wanted sex every 2 weeks - we haven’t DTD for 5 years and he never gives me a straight answer as to why so I’ve stopped asking. Everything else in our marriage is great, but the lack of sex is a source of deep unhappiness for me. I’m sorry I don’t have any useful advice, it strikes me your BF just has a slightly lower sex drive. Good luck.

going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc.

Exactly how much is he into grooming and his appearance? Men who are seriously ultra groomed and into their appearance (especially teeth and hair)are 9 times of 10 gay. There is a very distinctive groomed look. Think of Tom Ford, Jonathan Bailey, Rylan Clark. It's the difference between just taking care of yourself and going for the ultra grooming.

With everything else you've said, this would be a bit of a red flag I think. He may be gay but not wanting to deal with it so pretending to himself he is bisexual or straight. That may sound strange in 2026 but it still does happen and there are people who have been raised in families that may not be accepting so suppress it as they fear reactions.

There is just nothing that suggests he is gay/confused, and, believe me, I've looked for things.

There are two HUGE things - his lack of interest in sex with you (kind of a big one given he's in his 30s) and the excessive interest in gym/grooming/appearance.

Once every 1.5 weeks sounds normal & fine.
even once every 2 weeks is surely fine ?

Perhaps he has some sort of erectile dysfunction and needs to take something in order to be able to perform and doesn't want to be taking it regularly. Have you not said anything at all about the infrequency of the sex? The bottom line is no matter what the reason is, your sex drives are mismatched. Are you prepared to live with this lack of sex in light of the Other qualities you say he has?

My husband is obsessively tidy, used to be obsessive about fitness, used to plan dates carefully (we've been married a long time by this point), forgets about sex for long periods, especially if he's a bit stressed or tired, has lots of issues with food. Is a workaholic.

He had a very traumatic childhood. Everything is about controlling what he can to make himself feel safe. If I was young, and starting over, I probably wouldn't have married him if I knew what I know now. Children can't be controlled, and neither can I. He's very kind, pulls his weight, clever, great conversations. Loves me very much. Adores the children. However, he has had to work out for himself what makes a good husband/father, and he's had some pretty strange ideas what that is. The workaholism is all linked to it, he must have money to buy food and shelter - it never pays off though, bless him. When I was younger I thought it would, but people who are a little less prickly, and a little bit more relaxed, have romped past him in his career. I love him, but it is tough, and I have to actively choose to do so, it's never an easy thing.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend had a great time as a child. At least he's had therapy - he might be able to talk about it so you know what you're getting into. I know very little about DH's life before the age of 13, but what I do know is appalling, and most of his childhood has been wiped from his memory as a self preservation measure.

Ask him.
We’re all assuming that he’s the problem, but what if the problem isn’t him?

Perhaps your relationship is 98% perfect to him too, but he just doesn’t enjoy having sex with you.

He might have low testosterone? Perhaps there's a slight deficiency - might explain the low sex drive. I'm hoping he's not gay for your sake (but only because of the rest of his qualities and the relationship you have). I've nothing against gays or any of that.

My concern with the irregular fantastic sex is that it is performative sex in which he really wants to tick the box of doing it well, but really isn't interested.
Years ago my friend was madly in love with someone very very much as you describe and she was weak for him.
Perfect home, appearance, job.
He was very social and a great guy for pints with the lads.
It was 30 years ago and I felt my friend was a bit of an accessory for him.
He was always so much more animated talking to the lads than the women.
He was big into sports, watching rugby games etc.
He took a posting away and it sort of drifted away, his side, she was heart broken.
Looking back I'd swear he was gay but just didn't want to be. He never married but had a succession of one year long good looking girlfriends for the next decade into his 40's.

Don't waste your time OP.
Have a really frank conversation and get it all out.

You say it's you initiating every time OP. So what would happen if you initiated it more? Do you think might shame you? Rebuff you? Or have you already tried?

I think an mis matched sex drive is a big enough problem to consider walking away from this relationship.

Well, from my perspective and experience with men where I am from.

There are men that are not obsessed with sex, I've seen and know many, and no, they are NOT gay and they love their partners to PIECES and are usually the best husbands.

The part of him avoiding private places with both of you might simply be him applying brakes, precautions intentionally because he doesn't want to get used to having sex with you, not for a bad reason, but because he wants to GET TO KNOW YOU GENUINELY, FOR WHO YOU ARE.
We don't like to admit it, but sex do cloud our judgements of people, once sex is involved, you struggle to tell if you really like this person or you like the sex, especially if you are attracted to them physically.

As you said, you have checked him, his home, his phone, there is nothing.

I'LL ADVISE YOU NOT TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL THING YOU HAVE, CONTINUE TO WATCH HIM LIKE A HAWK ESPECIALLY AS YOU'RE INTERESTED IN MARRYING HIM, GET TO KNOW HIM BEYOND SURFACE LEVEL, HE'S TAKING HIS TIME TO WATCH YOU, DO THE SAME AND BE SURE YOU'RE COMPATIBLE ON ALL LEVELS.

I read your post as "a man intentionally applying the brakes to be sure he's making the right decision, if you're indoors with him all the time, you'll have sex all the time as he's attracted to you and he's probably avoiding that for the reason I stated up there"

The last thing on a cancer patient mind is not even sex, but if their partner will support them through it all, I think you should watch out for more important flags.

The sex is good, you've confirmed that, now open your eyes to get to know him beyond his body, pay attention to the subtle patterns in his life, open your eyes like a hawk to know his family, job, friends and all.

I think he’s probably just got a low sex drive. Do you think he takes steroids?

I think this last point possibly nails it.
He wants children….

I worked in a gay bar for years and knew so many people in so many different situations. Some people don’t necessarily “feel” gay. There’s so many different types and levels of attraction to other humans. Personality can be attractive vs physical. Many people don’t realise or become their true selves until later in life. Some people have no desire either way. Some people
are horny for anything that breathes.
Maybe be gets his buzz in life from exercise alone….

I’d place good money on his life being a tad different in 20 years though

Steroids. My DD2 had a boyfriend that had the same profile exactly.

Just ask him!!!

I think this is issue.
There are men who do not want sex all the time and they're not gay or sick or something. It's not just topping the chart for them.

If you want to confirm he's gay or not.

Have your male friends and family members check him out, men usually know, they can tell a gay easily.

But I don't think he is.

I just think he's restraining himself till you guys are married.
Like I said in my previous comment, use this period to truly get to know him, his health history, finances, empathy towards you and your family, his worldview on parenting, partnership and all the important deal breakers.

You need to ask yourself why you are asking strangers to tell you what he wont

Do not marry or have children with a man you are not able to communicate openly with.

“While I am thinking about it, every couple of weeks, he books a spa or massage or some kind of treatment for me.”

he’s gay.

ED issues? Op my experience of these issues is they end in tears. You will be ground down by it. Have you talked to him directly. If it can’t be addressed, kindly, move on.

In the honeymoon period? Really? It's only going to become less and less going forward.

I genuinely cannot fathom why anyone would restrain themselves til married… but still be having sex very 1-2 weeks? Marrying this guy seems like a bad idea unless op is genuinely ok with having a sporadic sex life

@tenderbee What are you saying?

Your post is impossible to follow as you have a mix of bold , upper case and italics.

Are you quoting other posters or are these your words?

What has cancer got to do with it?

OP has dated him for a year.
That is long enough to get to know him and his friends and family.