Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Well, I definitely know a few Eastern European men whose motivations come across more like Pierre Bezukhov (as he ends up in W&P) rather than Anatole Kuragin, if you see what I mean, although I am probably over-egging this particular pudding! 🤣 I'm not saying they're not into sex, but it's just not the be-all and end-all. To some extent I think we've been brainwashed into thinking it is, in a sort of lifestyle-aspirational way (e.g. Love Island, tabloids, pop culture, "influencers").

That's not to say OP isn't perfectly reasonable to want more sex if that's genuinely her appetite (i.e. not just needing some kind of reassurance). We have it rammed down our throat nowadays that our sexiness = our value, which can make us all feel insecure.

I do find it really hard that so many people on here are convinced that he is gay.

Just because he doesn't always fancy sex. It is more common than people here seem to think.

Women who don't fancy sex aren't all thought of as lesbians, why are men automatically gay?

If it was coffee not sex - some people can't function without masses of coffee - some of those will be connoisseurs who buy bean to cup machines and buy fancy coffee etc, others will belt through jars of cheap instant coffee. Some will only have one cup a day, some only one a week etc. I drink coffee rarely but when I do, I want a decent one, made with good coffee and not instant. I can appreciate good coffee without wanting it all the time.

This man likes good sex sometimes, not a load of meaningless sex or lots of quality sex. He wants some good sex from time to time. It's not like he is going through the motions when they do it, OP says it is good.

OP has to decide whether this is OK for her, with a pssible decline in the future, or if she needs more from him.

It would be very wrong to expect him to change and do the male equivalent of lie back and think of England for her, so ultimately all OP can do is decide whether this is OK or not.

He is making sure your self esteem, body image, and feeling desirable is, and always will be on the floor.

Sounds like he may have an odd attitude towards sex - referring to himself as a fuck boy when you mentioned sex.

Yes, this is a fair point. I've never been with a man with whom sex was ever an issue. I guess I also have bought into the idea that men just wasn sex all the time and when they don't, there must be something suspicious.

I agree. That was my first thought. He's gay but in denial I would say.

Hopefully just ND

Here are the likely possibilities -

Low sex drive - not going to change unless he wants it to

Possible past sexual abuse - not going to change unless he's willing to both admit and face that

Porn addiction - not going to change unless he's willing to both admit and face that

A fetish - even if you did accept or participate in this, don't underestimate how powerful these can be. It's like a sexual orientation, and his fetish, if he has one, will always come first above his attraction to you as a woman and your body.

Gay - not going to change

Somebody mentioned autism - not going to change

Listen, it's already hard for people to change even if they think that there is something wrong with them, so if he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is, I'm afraid the likelyhood that he will is about 0%. And he may not be able to change, even if he wanted to!

It's very difficult to accept this, so I sympathise. However, whatever unhappiness or frustration you feel now would only grow with time, rather than diminish. This is a fundamental aspect of a romantic relationship.

You seem to think he's an ideal partner otherwise, but come on, don't you think you have blinkers on a bit?

Do you actually think a man who goes to the gym 5 times a week would be happy with being a father, which is different to simply getting a woman pregnant? That's he would be happy sacrificing his gym time to read bedtime stories, to do his fair share? That he's be ok with the lack of sleep and the effect it has one one's performance and appearance?

His body might be sexually attractive to you right now, but personally, I would find his preoccupation with his appearance and the frequency of his gym visits to be a turn-off. Usually vain men are their own love of their life, not their partner.

Yes. Not also does it sound unnecessarily snappy and aggressive, but it's a really odd thing for a man to accuse a woman of wanting.

Generally, it's men that pretend they want something serious when they mainly want sex, not women. It feels like he snapped at you to shame you into not asking him again.

The only man I ever dated who didn’t want to kiss me let alone have sex with me turned out to be gay.

But the OP's boyfriend has sex with her approx 2 or 3 times a month.

Steroid use could do this.

I think the fuckboy comment was him being honest (albeit rather crass). He was warning you that he's not got a high sex drive so that you knew this from early on.

It smells of sex, of all the bodily fluids copiously produced, yours and his, mixed with sweat. Its a very distinctive smell.

Does he initiate the sex @RoseKitten ? Spontaneously?

Really? Even though he is kind, attentive, considerate, intelligent, compliments OP and treats her to nice things, makes it clear he finds her attractive, is good company, fun/practical with her family, and a shit-hot lover when he gets around to it?

This is what I mean about us - women in particular - being brainwashed into thinking our value lies in our sexiness.

She said no - it’s always her.

I have to agree that I have had plenty of boyfriends who have been very keen to have sex with me - it has never worked out. The relationships were sex was less of a forefront of the relationships worked out. I am married to a man with a low sex drive but when we have sex its great! I would much rather that than some of my sex pesty exes.

Oh, sorry, missed that

• He seems sensitive to loud noises.
• He wears sunglasses a lot, even when it is not sunny.
• He doesn't like strong scents. I once asked him which of my perfumes he liked the most, and said, "Honestly, I don't like perfumes, but if I had to choose one, it would be this one." He chose the weakest one.
• He says he find socialising for long periods exhausting.

I tick most of those boxes and am in no way neurodiverse.
Honestly, at times it seems as if 80% of population are ND when reading MN!
Any or all of those are normal. Just personal preferences.

I wear sunglasses as I have dry eyes and the wind or cold weather and even bright light makes my eyes water.
I prefer light perfumes
I hate loud noise
I am an introvert and don't like loads of social stuff.

Honestly, it sounds like you don't really know this man all that well. But I don't think it really matters why he has very little sexual interest in you. Assuming he's not gay, and hoping he's not a fetishist, a child abuser, or a psychopath, you're left with the fact that he's just not that bothered about having sex with you.

So you basically have two options here. Either accept it will never change (and likely will get even more infrequent) and decide whether you can live like this or not. OR talk to him honestly, explain you want more sex, and hope that he's willing to work on this aspect of your relationship with you. If he's not, then you're back to deciding if you want to live like this forever.

@RoseKitten The bottom line is this is not working for you.

However as you are so eager to have children you are trying to make sense of him and change him into the man you want.

Believe me - this never works.

Cut your losses if you feel your bio clock is the issue.

If you really must, talk to him openly about how his sex drive worries you.

The fact you are asking here for advice, snooping on his phone and computer is NOT a good way to behave when the answer is to talk to him.

It doesn't say much about how close you are emotionally if you cannot discuss it with him.

Wait till he finds out that the stork doesn't bring babies after all........

and as I posted before, if he's such a great catch why is he still single?

Is he super-choosy and not met the right woman - or, have they all left him for the same reasons that are worrying you?

Do you know his dating and relationship history?

Why are you trying to find fault in him, engaging in only the posts that pick your partner apart? It feels like self-sabotage now. If he's great in all areas - what scares you about the idea he has a low sex drive?

It can be a dealbreaker but it can also be something you get used to, that is nothing about how sexy he finds you...