Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

If he isn’t into sex with you at the start it isn’t going to get any better it will just get worse

you should be shagging like rabbits when you first meet someone your physically attracted to 😂

when I met my DH the first few years we were pretty much having sex every day even now 30 years later we still have sex 2-3 times a week and we are always very affectionate with each other

He may be gay he might be straight
he just might not have a high sex drive

I know that my friend was married to a guy who wasn’t that interested in sex and they ended up divorced

No but I think we would say find another girlfriend with more compatible sexual urge.

I've definitely seen responses to women, who've posted on here and who don't want sex with their husbands any more, that have called the woman out for being cold and cruel to their husband.

This. You just need to have the uncomfortable conversation, OP. Strangers on the internet can’t guess what’s going on in this man’s brain.

You will be glad of it after you have been married for 5 years

So hypocritical the posts on here

Some people have low sex drives. It says nothing about how they feel for you, how deep they love you, or whether they see you as important. The simple answer is often the right one.

I would suggest some individual counselling to work this out on your own - you appear to feel very insecure about this. If you want to stay in this relationship without resentment you need to wrap your head around varying sex drives and how to communicate what you actually want - not what you think other people expect you to want - out of this relationship. That should help you make more sense of it all.

I think you could drive yourself nuts trying to figure this out, and not only will you never really be sure of the answer but it makes no difference anyway. His aversion to sex (or at least sex with you) leaves you feeling confused, upset, rejected, and as pp have said there's a whiff of shaming in how he has reacted to your clear desire for regular sex. If you stay with him, this will only become harder to cope with imo. It may seem like a bad reason to split up with him but only if you think your needs are not important. I am here to tell you that they are.

From you mentioning seeing each other 3-4 times a week on average, and having sex on the 5th time, does this average out at about once a week?
I’d be leaning towards it’s just his sex drive - if he gyms a lot as well maybe he’s tired haha! I think a chat about frequency is needed; could frame it casually and see where the conversation goes, especially with you saying he is lovely and receptive when you’ve had deep conversations previously. He sound a gem on paper!

If he's OCD about cleanliness, could sex gross him out? No reflection on you personally but bodily fluids, sweaty etc.

Ultimately the only way to know is to ask him - but not when you're in bed. Do it at home so he doesn't blame lack of privacy for not engaging in the conversation and just say you love him, fancy the pants off him, but notice he doesn't seem that fussed about sex and is there a reason for that? And tell him while sex isnt the be all and end all, it is an important aspect of s romantic relationship for you. Then wait him out.

Once every week or two sounds like it could just be a lowish sex drive. I guess if you have a high sex drive then you'll have compatibility issues.

So sounds like once a week and not lifting together. It sounds like a normal but low sex drive, wonder if the gym is exhausting for him!

Of course sex has a smell! Love it!

In all honesty, I don't think anyone can tell you why he doesn't have much of a sex drive.

There could be all kinds of reasons.

BUT the point is it's not making you happy.
Hard as it is, you need to consider leaving this relationship.

It won't get better. He won't change.
It will only build up to more and more resentment and you feeling unattractive.

If you want to have children, cut your losses and leave.

• Porn use - he lets me use his computer when I am around his, and I have gone through his search history, and there is nothing. At all. Sure he may use Google Incognito, but surely I'd expect to find something in his search history?

Just curious as to whether he is pretty clever OP, e.g. IT geek? Some men find all sorts of things interesting, not just sex, so it's not as high on their priority list as someone who's bored and looking for titillation.

"I don’t suspect he’s gay from what you’ve said, if he’s very disciplined/routine driven, super tidy etc I wonder if it’s having sex itself that’s an issue because of losing control, mess, body fluids etc but I think it just isn’t a big priority for him."

This is definitely a factor: everything he does is regimented - gym, food, cleanliness, and when he organises dates, especially when we first started dating, they are planned like military operations, and he'd always have a plan B or C if something was busy.

It's a quality I really value in him: he leads yet is not a dictator, and although he is regimented, he is not inflexible

@Butterflydreaming

what does it smell of though? I haven’t ever had this

but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

You need to deal with what he IS not what you want.
He won't be a wonderful husband or father for you because your sex drives are mis-matched.

There are other things you've described that are red flags. He doesn't want to stay at home and have cosy nights in- why? Because that could lead to sex (you want it) and he doesn't.

I'm not sure how long you've been dating (I did read all your posts, but quite quickly) but for sex to be happening on 1 date out of 5 is not a good start.

The fact you think he is a 'wonderful lover' is actually a bit of a negative IMO!
Many couples get off to a shaky start as it takes time to get to know each other.

It's as if he performs 'to order' in perhaps a text-book fashion of what women like (or you like?) but it's about the performance rather than his own desire.
Maybe he thinks if he 'does a good job' each time you will ask for it less often!

It's not going to work. He has some kind of hang up either psychological or physical and it is unlikely to change.

One thing to consider- working out at lot at the gym can - beyond a certain point dampen men' s testosterone. Might be worth asking him about that?

He is smart, yes. He speaks 3 languages, is well-travelled and loves nature. When we go hiking together or even a walk through the forest, he seems to be more relaxed, and I can see how happy he is to be in nature.

You never had to open your windows following a session?

I completely agree with this and I actually have a high sex drive. From the sound of it, you’re having sex roughly once a week anyway which isn’t completely non existent. If someone really was the perfect man in 98% of ways and I was looking to settle down and have children, I wouldn’t throw the relationship away for this. Find ways to pleasure yourself etc and enjoy the sex when you have it if you feel like that’s a future you’d be okay with. Of course, what’s important is how you feel.

Are you both in the UK?

I would ask if there are bigger problems at play though regarding your trust in him if you’ve been through his search history and phone?

I guess it is more like once every 1.5 weeks, but that means sometimes it is once every 2 weeks, which is not enough for me.

• My biggest fear is that I will never find another man like him again. He is reliable, kind, very caring, protective. These men do not grow on trees.

That's the crux of this.

You don't want to let go and start looking again.

He's not what you need.

He is lacking the one thing that you need - more enthusiasm for sex.

If he IS so wonderful why has he not been snapped up?
Maybe because other women have seen the light and moved on.

A man in his 30s who is super fit, attractive, highly intelligent etc etc is single for a reason.

@everything he does is regimented - gym, food, cleanliness

Wondering if you've given any thought to what it will be like to raise children with a man like this, OP.

Would he change a nappy? What happens when baby makes a mess?

I guess it is more like once every 1.5 weeks, but that means sometimes it is once every 2 weeks, which is not enough for me.

Has he ever said he finds you attractive?
Does he say he loves your legs, your bum, your breasts, the way you look when you're having sex?

Is there anything romantic going on at all ?

Or is he just going through the motions of what he thinks makes him a considerate lover? He could be a bloody good actor.