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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 28/02/2026 00:05

Nothing to do with you. Keep your beak out and don’t get your mum to give you updates or info if it makes you angsty.

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2026 00:07

Keep out of it and try and get a life of your own

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:08

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2026 00:07

Keep out of it and try and get a life of your own

I have one, a rather busy one at that, thanks. It is something that's stuck in my head.

OP posts:
WinterBlues26 · 28/02/2026 00:10

I'm sorry but I couldn't read that wall of text however to answer your thread title - no I would not. You would have no idea of what the relationship was like. Sometimes when a baby is kept secret there's usually been some form of toxicity or manipulation going on between the couple.

You could encourage the mother to tell the father but it's not your secret to tell. You would just be shit stirring.

83048274j · 28/02/2026 00:11

Any chance you're autistic, OP? Just asking because I probably am and this sort of thing would play on my sense of justice too. I won't advise but I am pretty much unable to lie. If asked how the woman is by him, should I see him, I wouldn't be able to deny the existence of the child.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 28/02/2026 00:14

The bio father may be a nasty abusive guy who will make everyone's lives worse. Don't contact him for now.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:14

WinterBlues26 · 28/02/2026 00:10

I'm sorry but I couldn't read that wall of text however to answer your thread title - no I would not. You would have no idea of what the relationship was like. Sometimes when a baby is kept secret there's usually been some form of toxicity or manipulation going on between the couple.

You could encourage the mother to tell the father but it's not your secret to tell. You would just be shit stirring.

I appreciate the honesty. I mean, I wouldn't respond to something I didn't read personally, but I agree, it is long.
There was no baby being kept a secret, when the father of the baby and the mom broke up, the mom didn't even know she was pregnant yet. They just broke up because they were not that serious and the guy moved to another country for a better job opportunity.

But fair point re: shit-stirring

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:16

83048274j · 28/02/2026 00:11

Any chance you're autistic, OP? Just asking because I probably am and this sort of thing would play on my sense of justice too. I won't advise but I am pretty much unable to lie. If asked how the woman is by him, should I see him, I wouldn't be able to deny the existence of the child.

It was never suspected by anyone, in education, work, relationships, and I don't feel like I could be, either.

OP posts:
WinterBlues26 · 28/02/2026 00:39

I appreciate the honesty. I mean, I wouldn't respond to something I didn't read personally, but I agree, it is long.

It's not because it's long (I can actually read big books!) but because it's not broken up into decent paragraphs. It's a disability thing. However your post was just general background and not really necessary to the main question (which was your title) - would you tell a man he is a dad. Answer - no. It's not your place.

Dollymylove · 28/02/2026 00:39

Not your circus not your monkeys. Keep out of it

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:44

WinterBlues26 · 28/02/2026 00:39

I appreciate the honesty. I mean, I wouldn't respond to something I didn't read personally, but I agree, it is long.

It's not because it's long (I can actually read big books!) but because it's not broken up into decent paragraphs. It's a disability thing. However your post was just general background and not really necessary to the main question (which was your title) - would you tell a man he is a dad. Answer - no. It's not your place.

Fair enough.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 28/02/2026 02:30

Dollymylove · 28/02/2026 00:39

Not your circus not your monkeys. Keep out of it

Absolutely this.

It’s nothing to do with you. And ask your mum to stop feeding you gossip from the circus you chose to leave behind. It’s clearly disturbing your peace.

Monty27 · 28/02/2026 02:38

Keep your beak out @exhaustDAD

MarxistMags · 28/02/2026 02:46

Nope, keep out of it. The ex could be a right dick head. In fact, if he hasn't worked it out by himself, he IS a dick head. Definitely don't interfere, it's not your shit show.

NaiceBalonz · 28/02/2026 04:42

Disgusting to hear how many people think a man doesn't deserve to know he has a child.

I'd tell him, OP. We all have to make decisions we can live with, and I couldn't live with not doing so.

LameBorzoi · 28/02/2026 05:17

Beside the point, but the sentence "those more intelligent than a handful of moths" is poetry

Monty27 · 28/02/2026 05:38

LameBorzoi · 28/02/2026 05:17

Beside the point, but the sentence "those more intelligent than a handful of moths" is poetry

Sounds good to me. Who wrote it?

Rosetime · 28/02/2026 05:46

LameBorzoi · 28/02/2026 05:17

Beside the point, but the sentence "those more intelligent than a handful of moths" is poetry

I totally agree.
I want to steal it but lack the eloquence to use it so beautifully.

On to the question, @exhaustDAD , this will bother me enormously.
Mostly, I am a 'keep out of it' person but definitely not in this scenario. I would need to know more.. I would definitely be getting in touch with my cousin (anyone with information) and finding out more about that relationship. Depending on what I find out, I would be letting the 'young guy' know he is a father.
I just couldn't keep out if it. Not fair on the baby.

Paintpower · 28/02/2026 06:05

I’m also amazed by this general verdict of let the shitshow play out. Sounds like they broke up cos he moved away for his job, which means he’s got an income that the child might need support from at some point. If the mom and family are as mental as they seem then he also made a good decision to split up with her. So two reasons he might be the more sane parent.
Id suss him out via your cousin and try and persuade her to tell him for her and her child’s benefit. Parenting is tough and she might need support from him or his family at some point whether financially or emotionally or whatever - even if he’s no good his family might be wonderful, hands on and really supportive. The cousin needs to realise what she could gain for the child by telling the truth.

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2026 06:34

You suspect, you don’t know. For all you know there could have been a ONS between the two me. For people you don’t really like, you are way too invested in their lives. If you are receiving this information from your Mum, tell her to stop.

xOlive · 28/02/2026 06:44

I’d tell him, at least to allow him the opportunity to also have a paternity test.
That side of the family sounds like my DP’s family, they are diabolical with how easily lies slip out of their mouths.
They also forced my DP’s Dad out of his life and the Dad gave up fighting when DP was 11, it was ruining his life.
Every child deserves to know who their parents are, poor kid being born into that mess.

Allelbowsandtoes · 28/02/2026 06:48

LameBorzoi · 28/02/2026 05:17

Beside the point, but the sentence "those more intelligent than a handful of moths" is poetry

Yeah that was the main thing I took from this post tbf 👌

sorrynotathome · 28/02/2026 06:57

You don’t know who the father is. Mind your own business and stop kidding yourself that have any idea what “the right thing” is in this situation. You’re a meddler - stop meddling.

Icecreamisthebest · 28/02/2026 07:00

No absolutely not.

You don’t know this guy but the people that do dislike him enough that they don’t want him to know. Yes your family have some very strange ideas but they are the ones who have to live with the consequences of your meddling.

Although it’s also likely that they would not speak to you or your mother again. So there may be consequences for you

CinnamonBuns67 · 28/02/2026 07:13

This happened to my husband, he had a brief relationship (few weeks) with someone when he was very young, it ended and she found out she was pregnant and she didn't tell him. He didn't find out until the child was almost 6 he had a child out there. I would say that unless this man is abusive and poses a danger then tell him so he has the opportunity to get this sorted whilst the child is young and doesn't remember their fathers (involuntary) absence. I wish they'd have been someone to tell my husband sooner.

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