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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
simpledeer · 28/02/2026 08:39

Yes, I would.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:39

Rosetime · 28/02/2026 05:46

I totally agree.
I want to steal it but lack the eloquence to use it so beautifully.

On to the question, @exhaustDAD , this will bother me enormously.
Mostly, I am a 'keep out of it' person but definitely not in this scenario. I would need to know more.. I would definitely be getting in touch with my cousin (anyone with information) and finding out more about that relationship. Depending on what I find out, I would be letting the 'young guy' know he is a father.
I just couldn't keep out if it. Not fair on the baby.

Haha, do it :) It's not trademarked.

Well, all there is to know about that relationship with the actual father is not much to dissect. My mother talked about this with my cousin, and the family to understand why the family hated him so. They were a young couple, briefly together for a few months, they often went to parties together, where the guy was DJ-ing. And this was why my cousin's parents hated him so - he was not their idea of a "man", he didn't have a "proper" job, they hated his clothes (baggy pants, cap - wow, writing this sounds like I am living the 90s). But as far as I know, ad based on what my cousin herself told my mum about him, they were not arguing, there was no abuse, they were simply not serious enough. And then they decided to break up - as far as I know, they agreed to, based on what my cousin said - because the guy's friend/family member/whoever was working in Germany, and had a good opportunity for the guy to make good money doing his DJ-in. So he went for it, they were just not interested to have a long-distance relationship. At this stage, not even my cousin knew she was pregnant.

OP posts:
euff · 28/02/2026 08:40

You have a strong sense of justice, honesty, emotional intelligence and empathy which is hard to put aside. It’s horrible that the father doesn’t know, that the child doesn’t / won’t know and that they tried to mislead the next man. However, given the family are like this what do you think the future would be for the relationship between them and the father and the father and the child. They would probably treat him badly, play games etc. Being truthful with the dad may just bring him and the child pain for many years. I know that’s not very helpful as a response but may help make you feel better about knowing and not doing anything if that’s what you choose.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:41

Paintpower · 28/02/2026 06:05

I’m also amazed by this general verdict of let the shitshow play out. Sounds like they broke up cos he moved away for his job, which means he’s got an income that the child might need support from at some point. If the mom and family are as mental as they seem then he also made a good decision to split up with her. So two reasons he might be the more sane parent.
Id suss him out via your cousin and try and persuade her to tell him for her and her child’s benefit. Parenting is tough and she might need support from him or his family at some point whether financially or emotionally or whatever - even if he’s no good his family might be wonderful, hands on and really supportive. The cousin needs to realise what she could gain for the child by telling the truth.

There might be something in there... At the moment, the grandparents raise the baby more than she does, as it's clear she was not ready for this, she is doing anything but things around the baby - and truth be told, this also is nudging me a little bit.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/02/2026 08:42

I sympathise with your concern however you are downplaying the family’s aversion to his involvement. You’d be introducing stress and bitterness into a situation that has enough drama of its own. If he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow, he’d have to go to court to get access against the will of the family.

Better to make sure you know the information should it be needed in an emergency- if the family turn out to be unable to care for the baby, and social services are involved, or if the DC wants to know in the future. Make sure the information isn’t lost.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:42

euff · 28/02/2026 08:40

You have a strong sense of justice, honesty, emotional intelligence and empathy which is hard to put aside. It’s horrible that the father doesn’t know, that the child doesn’t / won’t know and that they tried to mislead the next man. However, given the family are like this what do you think the future would be for the relationship between them and the father and the father and the child. They would probably treat him badly, play games etc. Being truthful with the dad may just bring him and the child pain for many years. I know that’s not very helpful as a response but may help make you feel better about knowing and not doing anything if that’s what you choose.

On the contrary. Very helpful. As that is partly the reason why it's been a little while, and I haven't done anything. That family is hmm.. mental - is the right word. And given how stubborn they are with their lunacy, I would hate for the kid to endure any mind games..

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 28/02/2026 08:43

You sound like a total busybody and meddler. Its nothing to do with you. Keep your opinions to yourself. Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:44

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/02/2026 08:42

I sympathise with your concern however you are downplaying the family’s aversion to his involvement. You’d be introducing stress and bitterness into a situation that has enough drama of its own. If he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow, he’d have to go to court to get access against the will of the family.

Better to make sure you know the information should it be needed in an emergency- if the family turn out to be unable to care for the baby, and social services are involved, or if the DC wants to know in the future. Make sure the information isn’t lost.

very-VERY great points here. Thank you. These are all the things I absolutely need to be conscious of.

OP posts:
WhatAMarvelousTune · 28/02/2026 08:46

I’d tell him.

And I certainly wouldn’t be relying on an accurate view of him from her and her parents. These absolute scumbags thought it was ok to lie to a man and tell him he was the father of a child when they knew he wasn’t. Horrendous thing to do in my opinion.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:46

CinnamonBuns67 · 28/02/2026 07:13

This happened to my husband, he had a brief relationship (few weeks) with someone when he was very young, it ended and she found out she was pregnant and she didn't tell him. He didn't find out until the child was almost 6 he had a child out there. I would say that unless this man is abusive and poses a danger then tell him so he has the opportunity to get this sorted whilst the child is young and doesn't remember their fathers (involuntary) absence. I wish they'd have been someone to tell my husband sooner.

See, I can't not imagine this outcome here, too. It might be totally different, but it might be this... And I am sorry your husband (and the child) had to go through this.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:47

WhatAMarvelousTune · 28/02/2026 08:46

I’d tell him.

And I certainly wouldn’t be relying on an accurate view of him from her and her parents. These absolute scumbags thought it was ok to lie to a man and tell him he was the father of a child when they knew he wasn’t. Horrendous thing to do in my opinion.

Whole-heartedly agree - attempting to trick anyone into a false paternity is one of the lowest lows you can sink.

OP posts:
BoxingHare · 28/02/2026 08:48

For a part of the family you don't want anything to do with you're certainly very heavily involved mentally.

Planner2026 · 28/02/2026 08:48

It’s a really awful situation - but it’s not your situation. Honestly, keep out of it.

This sort of behaviour serves to confirm why it is that you don’t have a relationship with that family. Move on, OP.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:51

Eviebeans · 28/02/2026 07:18

What do you think would happen if you told the ex boyfriend?
Are you thinking he’d rush back home and form a loving relationship and family unit for the child?
Who do you think would benefit for him knowing that he may be the father of this child? He may of course not be

I naturally cannot know, what would happen. I am definitely not thinking about a potential loving relationship and family unit - I don't think that is realistic. But there are so many kids whose parents are raising them, not being together. That is what I maybe could imagine.
What would happen? Not sure. But there is a man out there, who has no idea he has a kid. And it is not fair. And the grandparents are prepared to answer the kid if he grows old enough to ask questions with "he died". That cannot be right.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 28/02/2026 08:51

You sound very over-invested in the lives of people you say you don’t even see any more.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:52

BoxingHare · 28/02/2026 08:48

For a part of the family you don't want anything to do with you're certainly very heavily involved mentally.

Genuinely I don't care about that side of the family, it is the baby, who is completely innocent that I feel sorry for, and a man, who is not being told he became a father. I would feel the same if this happened to someone I work with, or someone who lives down the road.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:53

BauhausOfEliott · 28/02/2026 08:51

You sound very over-invested in the lives of people you say you don’t even see any more.

Same note as above - my previous post.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:53

moonstarsuns · 28/02/2026 07:22

I must be the only one who agrees that the dad has a right to know

It seems like there are others who feel that way, too.

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 28/02/2026 08:56

The thing is, the child has a right to know. If the family are going to lie to it, that’s not fair and could stir up a lot of problems in the future.
Personally, if I bumped into him I’d have to say something.

Rosetime · 28/02/2026 08:56

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:51

I naturally cannot know, what would happen. I am definitely not thinking about a potential loving relationship and family unit - I don't think that is realistic. But there are so many kids whose parents are raising them, not being together. That is what I maybe could imagine.
What would happen? Not sure. But there is a man out there, who has no idea he has a kid. And it is not fair. And the grandparents are prepared to answer the kid if he grows old enough to ask questions with "he died". That cannot be right.

Exactly that.
That his grandparents would tell the child that his father is dead.
That's cruel.
He has a father out there that doesn't know of his existence.

His father may want to come see him, his father may decide to wait till his older and can see him without dealing with the bonkers family, his father may want to see him and fight to see him.
The grandparents may not even put up a fight if he wants to see his child. And even if they do, the grandparents ARE NOT the law.
They cannot prevent him from seeing his child if he wants to.
If the Dad does not want to.aee his child then the child knows that as they grow instead of having false hope and a massive disappointment later.
This is for the wellbeing of the child.

Daisey12 · 28/02/2026 09:01

“It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue”

Stay out of it, f**k all to do with you.

CheeseWisely · 28/02/2026 09:01

People who decide to lie to the their children about their parentage without extremely good reason are abhorrent.

The child is an entire human in their own right, not a possession of the family, and they deserve to know where they came from and who they are related to. Unless there is abuse or risk they deserve to have both of their actual parents on the legal document that they use for their whole life.

While as other PPs point out you can’t be certain who the Dad is (if there was a ONS or whatever in between) but if I were you I might be letting the family know that should they tell the sickening lie that the Dad is dead that I’d be putting the child straight myself when they’re older.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:01

TheBlueKoala · 28/02/2026 07:21

I have the same problem but I didn't know it was a disability thing? Would you mind sharing (in case I'm concerned as well)?

I thought everyone found it hard to read a non structured text🤷‍♀️

I genuinely didn't consider to formulate it in any way, haha. Let me try and break it off into shorter, more digestible chunks:

My cousin (early 20s) had a boyfriend, relationship lasted a few months. The relationship ended, because they were not that serious, and the guy got a good job opportunity in another country. The parents of the girl were glad as they hated the guy.

My cousin shortly after had a new boyfriend, parents liked him better. At this stage she realised she was pregnant, and after the prenatal appointments it turned out she got pregnant before she even got together with the new guy, so the baby is the ex-boyfriend's.

Everybody downplayed science, and wanted to convince the new guy that he is the dad, and the the doctors are wrong about the date - as the parents could not stand the idea that the baby might be the ex's. The boyfriend's mom organised a paternity test, and sure enough, it was negative. So the new boyfriend exited the scenario.

The whole family is refusing to get in touch with the actual father of the baby, and are prepared to lie to the kid if he's old enough to ask about his father. The grandad claims to be happy to tell the kid that his father died.

My dilemma is about the man who has no idea he has a kid, and about the baby himself...

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:07

DarknessFoolsYou · 28/02/2026 07:31

They all hated him so chances are he isn’t a good man. Stay out.

eta. Just seen who the OP is. Seriously OP do you not get tired of being such a busy body. I thought it may just be on here but it seems you’re insufferable irl too.

Edited

His crimes were: "not having a proper job" As in: DJing is not as preferable as being a director of some kind, a lawyer, etc... And "the immature way he was dressed" - As in baggy clothes, cap. Not my opinion. The girl's side. The grandparents are just very judgy and particular who would be "Acceptable" as a partner. It does not mean that the guy is a great person, I am not saying that, but I would rather not guess that he isn't a good man based on their negative feelings, either.

I may be insufferable in real life, that much is true.

OP posts:
BoxingHare · 28/02/2026 09:07

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:52

Genuinely I don't care about that side of the family, it is the baby, who is completely innocent that I feel sorry for, and a man, who is not being told he became a father. I would feel the same if this happened to someone I work with, or someone who lives down the road.

So you'd want to interfere in the life of a work colleague or someone who lived down the road?

This is an overinvestment on your part.

For a start, you have no idea of the real situation, whether it's family you don't see, someone you work with, or a person half a dozen houses away.

You've fixated on the situation as you, a distant link, see it.

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