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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:37

Hmmm @sittingonabeach @SparkyBlue , I am not questioning them loving the baby... That side is true. But I think circumstances matter...raising the kid in a lie is a big problem, I think.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 28/02/2026 09:38

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:35

Thanks @Bourneo . Yeah, There a multitude of reasons why I haven't done anything yet - this being one. But my problem is that there is always a counter-argument for everything. Because yes, frustration, anger, etc, could be the end result, but at the same time, he could be a person who in 20 years time is inconsolably sad that he lost all the time knowing he had a son... The kid likewise. It's really the lie that his father died that gets me.

Also the paternal grandparents and all the rest of the dad’s family . The child misses out and so does the family.

My son has just became a dad and it would be heartbreaking to think of him being a dad and not being told . It would tear him to peaces when he found out and I don’t think he would ever get over it.

Eviebeans · 28/02/2026 09:42

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:51

I naturally cannot know, what would happen. I am definitely not thinking about a potential loving relationship and family unit - I don't think that is realistic. But there are so many kids whose parents are raising them, not being together. That is what I maybe could imagine.
What would happen? Not sure. But there is a man out there, who has no idea he has a kid. And it is not fair. And the grandparents are prepared to answer the kid if he grows old enough to ask questions with "he died". That cannot be right.

That is definitely not a proper response to the child in future years
I would say- can you be sure that the ex is definitely the father- lives can sometimes be very complicated
The ideal situation would be that the child has two loving parents who are both committed to wanting the best for the child now and in the long term

sittingonabeach · 28/02/2026 09:43

I'm adopted. My adoptive parents have always told me I am adopted, I can't remember not knowing this fact. I have the opportunity to trace my birth family, I haven't done but I have that choice.

The choice and knowledge should not be taken away from this child.

LadyTable · 28/02/2026 09:48

As a woman I literally cannot get my head around how it must feel to suddenly be approached by an adult telling me they are my son/daughter, and then having to deal with all of those 'what if' and 'if only' I had known feelings.

If all these long lost family TV shows have taught us anything, it's about all the pain and wasted years these sort of lies can cause.

For this reason, I couldn't live with myself without at least trying to contact him to let him know.

I'm normally in the 'keep your nose out' camp when it comes to meddling in relationships, but not this one.

Tell him if you can find him and then the rest is up to him.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:52

Eviebeans · 28/02/2026 09:42

That is definitely not a proper response to the child in future years
I would say- can you be sure that the ex is definitely the father- lives can sometimes be very complicated
The ideal situation would be that the child has two loving parents who are both committed to wanting the best for the child now and in the long term

To be fair, that is not anyone can guarantee ever, in for their own kids, when hopefully, we are more in charge of our lives. We can do our best, but we can never know what the future will bring.

OP posts:
janietreemore · 28/02/2026 09:53

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:09

I would feel the same if it was about people who I work with, or a neighbour down the road. It is not about making people I dislike feel bad. I am not a 12-year-old.

I didn't say you were trying to make anyone feel bad. It's just that this kind of intervening in other people's lives needs a deep, loving understanding of what is going on and permission from the people affected. In this case you don't know the man concerned or what went on between him and his ex girlfriend, and you clearly don't love, like or trust anyone involved. You don't even know for sure that this is the ex boyfriend's baby. So much better to stay out of it. It will take its course somehow.

Betterbelieveit · 28/02/2026 09:53

83048274j · 28/02/2026 00:11

Any chance you're autistic, OP? Just asking because I probably am and this sort of thing would play on my sense of justice too. I won't advise but I am pretty much unable to lie. If asked how the woman is by him, should I see him, I wouldn't be able to deny the existence of the child.

Weird tangent to blame autism. You do realise it's perfectly normal to obsess over something, right?

83048274j · 28/02/2026 10:09

Betterbelieveit · 28/02/2026 09:53

Weird tangent to blame autism. You do realise it's perfectly normal to obsess over something, right?

Not really. I didnt think she was obsessing. I just saw her sense of justice being challenged. That is, in fact, an autistic trait for many. I'd totally want to tell the guy too and would struggle not to. Hopefully he wouldn't be someone I'd have to directly engage with because I cannot lie effectively to save myself.

83048274j · 28/02/2026 10:10

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 09:37

Hmmm @sittingonabeach @SparkyBlue , I am not questioning them loving the baby... That side is true. But I think circumstances matter...raising the kid in a lie is a big problem, I think.

If they do, I'd expect it's going to come back to bite them.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 10:18

83048274j · 28/02/2026 10:10

If they do, I'd expect it's going to come back to bite them.

I believe so too. My mom asked them if they are happy with the kid learn about the lie later and distancing himself from them because of it. They didn't understand.

OP posts:
LadyTable · 28/02/2026 10:51

Has anyone asked them which dead man's details they're going to give him when he's old enough to ask?

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 10:54

LadyTable · 28/02/2026 10:51

Has anyone asked them which dead man's details they're going to give him when he's old enough to ask?

Fantastic question! Love it.

OP posts:
sharkstale · 28/02/2026 11:02

Stay out of it. You barely know these people. You don't know him. What if he was abusive? It's nothing to do with you.

user1492757084 · 28/02/2026 11:21

Tricky.
The way for the paternity to be clarified is to have a DNA test.
The old boyfriend needs to be able to access one and agree to one.
You could write down all you know about the suspected bio father so that the information is available should the child wish to find his father when he is older.

OneSparklyWasp · 28/02/2026 11:25

Definitely tell the father but anonymously. Let him decide if & when he makes contact with his ex. He has a right to know. The controlling grandparents are despicable & cruel. It not their place to decide what the baby is later told.

JLou08 · 28/02/2026 11:29

I would. Children deserve to know who their parents are. It's absolutely disgusting to lie to a child about this.

Sam858 · 28/02/2026 11:53

I do think the dad deserves to know as it sounds like he is not a bad person, the relationship just didn't work. I think he deserves to know about the baby. It's then up to him to decide what he's going to do about it. It's hugely unfair to the child and the father to not tell him

mummydoorgirl · 28/02/2026 12:15

The number of people telling you to mind your own business is wild.
Falsely telling a child their father died is ABUSE.
The OP feels she shouldn’t condone this, good on her.
it’s clear from the responses here how so many kids are abused for years whilst no one speaks up,

Dutchhouse14 · 28/02/2026 12:19

Ooh thats a tough one.
My instinct is to stay out of it.
Clearly they are deluded and not fooling anyone.
There is a small chance there was another relationship you dont know about.
But on the otherhand it was my son and my grandchild then id want to know.
BUT if the potential father was abusive and toxic then I defintely wouldnt say anything.
Simplest thing is to stay out of it.

mummydoorgirl · 28/02/2026 12:19

From a legal perspective the child has a right to a relationship with both parents ( if both parents are fit to be involved )

Dozer · 28/02/2026 12:36

The content of your OP suggests that you wouldn’t handle communication with your cousin’s ex boyfriend about his possible paternity of your cousin’s DC well.

If you decide to contact him and have a way to do so, keep it short, simple and factual.

If you tell him and cousin and your other extended family find out they will likely not speak to you again, which it sounds like you’d be OK with. It could also have repercussions for your mum, which would be up to her to manage. With that in mind, wouldn’t discuss the matter with her nor tell her what you do.

Supporting2026 · 28/02/2026 12:39

I'd make some thorough enquiries first of the mother to make sure you weren't missing something - and then for the sake of the child I'd tell the father.

Patchworkquilts · 28/02/2026 12:40

wow, so much irrelevant information.

Let’s look at the facts.

Your cousin had a baby.
That’s the only fact you can be certain of.

You’ve heard via your mum that a paternity test was done and John isn’t the dad. John left. You’ve heard that previous to dating John your cousin dated Peter.
These things are most likely true. But you can’t know 100% whether these are true. It’s possible some of it is made up.
You’ve also heard cousin’s family hated Peter and were glad he was gone. You’ve also heard cousin’s parents said they’d rather tell the kid father died than tell the kid who the father is. “You’ve heard..” is pretty vital here. It’s all via via, so you have no idea if any of this is true. However, IF it were true I would wonder WHY they hated him to such an extent. It sounds like a massive red flag. Maybe he was abusive or something more sinister. Maybe there is a very good reason for them to not want to give Peter a reason to get back into your cousin’s life.
You have no idea if Peter is the father. All you know is the gossip that she was with Peter for a few months. You have no idea if she had unptrotected sex with Peter. Maybe your cousin had more sexual partners. Maybe your cousin knows who the father is but doesn’t want anyone to know.

Normally I would say a guy has a right to know he has a kid. But you really don’t know whether this kid is Peter’s. As you have no idea what type of person Peter is you also don’t know IF it is in the child’s best interest that Peter knows the child might be his. TBH your family sound absolutely mental, any guy having unprotected sex with such a nutcase is probably also not the best dad candidate in the world.

Let it go. If your family are as unhinged as they sound, social services is likely to be involved at some point anyway. You’re only hearing stuff through the grapevine about people that you’ve not met in years.

SweetBaklava · 28/02/2026 12:45

I would tell him.

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