Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

[exhaustDAD]

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

You don't even know that he is the baby's father. It's total assumption on your part that there were only two putative candidates.

Is there a way you could just let him know she has a baby? If he is in any way intelligent he can do the maths himself

I would feel the same if it was about people who I work with, or a neighbour down the road. It is not about making people I dislike feel bad. I am not a 12-year-old.

I liked this too!

I appreciate your dilemma OP. Its absolutely disgusting that they are planning to tell the child that his Father is dead. Its a stupid lie too, as its discoverable if s/he ever looks into it. That poor child being born into such a family of selfish, stupid skanks.

That lie, would be a strong argument in favour of telling the Father, so that the child is not lied to.

Against it is, how well do you know this Father? Is he someone it is better to keep out of the child's life? Though, he'd have to be really awful to deserve no contact. Abusively awful.

by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them.

You don't even know these people! Let alone have any knowledge of what is happening.

On the other hand, if he is a decent person, he could be a good person to have in the child's life on some level as he could be a counterpoint to the unpleasantness of the family he is growing up with. If he has moved abroad for work he also sounds like he has some gumption about him that means he is going to form a good life for himself, so he may be a useful and positive person for the child to know, as well as maybe financially helpful. Which is important as life is so hard to start out in nowadays.

Just seen this. In this case, yeah I would tell him. To stop the frankly evil ' Your Dad is dead' lie. Imagine finding out you had spent your whole life thinking your Dad was dead, then realising he wasn't and your whole family had lied to you.

The problem is that these are not the only two men in the world. As you aren’t the mother, you can’t be sure that there wasn’t a one night stand or a cheating relationship which resulted in the pregnancy, so you simply cannot announce to the former boyfriend that he is a father. It’s just not appropriate because you don’t know the truth. I would leave this to play out. Clearly they are awful people, so I wouldn’t step in to the firing line for something where you can’t really help. If you want to do something for the child, be a positive role model in their life - but you won’t be able to do this if you’ve waded in and opened a bigger can of worms.

You don't know if the " young guy" has actually been told. Given what you've said it's unlikely but you really don't know and you've no idea what he would do if he was told. Something? More likely nothing.

Getting involved is unlikely to win you any favours. I'd stay well out of it, not to mention well away from these people.

To those who are just assuming that the father is a horrible person:

I don't know what sort of a person he is. The reason why the grandparents hated him, is because he is a DJ, and dresses in a way that is not suitable in their eyes. And this is from my cousin, not my assumption. He might be a decent person, or a not so decent one, the reality is that he is a father, that is the point. Even crap people need to know, it has to be a general rule.

To those who consider potential ONSs, so the paternity is not even sure:

I actually coined the same idea, I immediately went there in my head. But even if there was ONSs galore between the two guys, the date of her falling pregnant was without a question at a time while they were still together, they haven't broken up yet at that point. And given how much the parents hate the guys, she would happily throw that in if there was a possibility of literally anyone else - she told this to my mother (always liked her aunt, my mom, and often shared things with her).

One way or another, all of you gave me a lot to think about, thank you!

Mind your own business. Its their mess. Get on with your own life.

Its true he may not be the Father , but OP can say, you may be the Father and could ask for a paternity test.

I suppose the counterpart to the rest of your post ism how would OP feel if the child is told his Dad is dead, or another lie, and comes to OP and says, ' Aunty, did you know my Dad was alive?'

How would you feel then, OP? Because when people find out they were lied to, what often really hurts is knowing other people also knew and never told you.

@exhaustDAD i like to think that i am the least judge mental person . As long as nobody’s getting hurt let people get on with life.
In this situation two people are getting hurt .
Yes you have to speak up . A baby without one of it’s parents . A man not knowing he is a dad .
Tell the dad and let him decide what he wants to do about it . Sounds like he will have a fight on his hands with this family.
It will be a solicitor to get a dna test then he will have to have his name on the birth certificate for equal parental rights . All this willhave to happen before he sees his son (if the family aren’t going to allow it )

They just broke up because they were not that serious and the guy moved to another country for a better job opportunity.

So normally I'd say 100% tell him, he has a right to know. But honestly? This family sounds awful and I think you'd be ruining his life. I've spent the last ten years going through court etc and navigating a toxic ex. If I could go back in time and never tell him about the baby then I 100% would. It's ruined my whole family's lives.

I can't help but imagine this in reverse for this young man. He's moved away for a better life. Bringing him into this will give him 18 years of grief from a very toxic family. He'll have no rights as not on the birth certificate. If they refuse a paternity test there'll be no proof either. All it will cause is heartbreak for him, knowing he has a child he'll never see and 1000s in court fees if he feels that passionately about it.

On the other had he may already know and not care? May have heard about the baby on social media etc.

Honestly, you'd be doing him and the child a favour but staying out of it. Yes a child should know their father (that misguided moral stand point was where I went wrong) but to be in the middle of a war is far worse for a child. Leave it alone xx

I’m quite shocked by the number of people accusing the @exhaustDAD of meddling and saying mind your own business.

I actually coined the same idea, I immediately went there in my head. But even if there was ONSs galore between the two guys, the date of her falling pregnant was without a question at a time while they were still together, they haven't broken up yet at that point. And given how much the parents hate the guys, she would happily throw that in if there was a possibility of literally anyone else - she told this to my mother (always liked her aunt, my mom, and often shared things with her).

There is no way you can presume that she would've told everyone had there been one night stands as well, particularly anything that happened during the relationship. However you proceed, you need to do so in the understanding that you do not know who the father is.

@Bourneo maybe the father's life would be better for the child

So far, this was the most eloquent reasoning on the "don't" side. Very well put, thank you for sharing.
I have been struggling to read the simple "none of your business, leave it" comments. So it was definitely needed to balance them.

OP just let them off it’s none of your business. It sounds like the child has a large loving extended family to care for him

You're welcome. I totally get you wanting to tell him and in theory he does have a right to know. But think very carefully about what you're bringing him into and how this will affect his whole life xx

I actually think it’s really rude to comment when you can’t be bothered to read the OP, and to call it a ‘wall of text’ is even ruder. Just move on if you can’t be bothered to read it!

Thanks @Bourneo . Yeah, There a multitude of reasons why I haven't done anything yet - this being one. But my problem is that there is always a counter-argument for everything. Because yes, frustration, anger, etc, could be the end result, but at the same time, he could be a person who in 20 years time is inconsolably sad that he lost all the time knowing he had a son... The kid likewise. It's really the lie that his father died that gets me.

@SparkyBlue don't sound that loving to me. Who would lie to a child that their dad had died

Yup, it’s yet another MN double standard. If the sexes were reversed, which they obviously can’t be in this particular situation, the responses would be very different.