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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
OneDenimSquid · 01/03/2026 11:26

I really like you OP - can tell from your posts you are a good person and father, and as a father that is probably why you feel so strongly about this (as previously stated the situation would never happen for a mother so we would not automatically share the same view straight off the bat).

I would absolutely anonymously contact the person to let them know there is a possibility they are the dad - but I would not be surprised if he decided not to involve himself given the information you have shared on the family. Might be wrong to assume this but as a probably single 20 something he would not have the same paternal pull as you would given your relationship with your children. But that is his choice. In terms of the child asking questions

Cob81 · 01/03/2026 11:34

Crushed23 · 28/02/2026 02:30

Absolutely this.

It’s nothing to do with you. And ask your mum to stop feeding you gossip from the circus you chose to leave behind. It’s clearly disturbing your peace.

This is how siblings unknowingly end up meeting later in life and having sex with each other, even just harmless teen relationships is awful for those involved. There’s a couple married with kids who’ve recently found out they are FULL siblings through her doing an ancestry DNA, they were absolutely devastated as you can imagine but after years of marriage and 3 kids (all healthy thankfully) they decided to stay together and not have anymore kids but it’s quite a common thing to happen with half siblings, better to know IMO

Charliede1182 · 01/03/2026 14:39

I would mind my own business.

You don't know for a fact who the father is, you only suppose.

Additionally if the individual you think it is has half a brain cell, if he was having unprotected sex with somebody and 9 months later they have a baby, he probably knows damn well he is potentially on the hook, and is therefore choosing not to get involved.

sharkstale · 01/03/2026 15:06

Not to mention the relationship ended because he decided to move abroad to DJ. How committed would he even be to said baby?

OneDenimSquid · 01/03/2026 20:20

OneDenimSquid · 01/03/2026 11:26

I really like you OP - can tell from your posts you are a good person and father, and as a father that is probably why you feel so strongly about this (as previously stated the situation would never happen for a mother so we would not automatically share the same view straight off the bat).

I would absolutely anonymously contact the person to let them know there is a possibility they are the dad - but I would not be surprised if he decided not to involve himself given the information you have shared on the family. Might be wrong to assume this but as a probably single 20 something he would not have the same paternal pull as you would given your relationship with your children. But that is his choice. In terms of the child asking questions

…i don’t know where the rest of my post went! All I was going to say is in terms of the child asking questions, that will be the trickiest part if the dad decides not to involve himself. Awkward for your mum especially. Sorry if already been asked but what is her view on this?

exhaustDAD · 01/03/2026 20:25

I really appreciate the kind words @OneDenimSquid , truly. You are definitely right about the guy maybe choosing not to be in the kid's life. But that will be his choice as the parent, he needs to make that choice in full possession of the circumstances.

My main thing in life is to make the world a little bit better with our actions... Whether it's choosing not to throw a cigarette out the car window, whether it's helping an inured bird, or trying to raise decent human beings as our children... Obviously, the list is endless, but I feel this has the potential to help, and make things "right" or at least better...

My mother is mostly heartbroken about her own brother being this way (the grandad of the baby), how his own dislike of person based on subjective views on what a "real man should look like/should have as a job" can make him push life-changing lies like that. She is also very sad about the circumstances for the little boy, mostly, and she also thinks the dad has a right to know.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 01/03/2026 20:26

sharkstale · 01/03/2026 15:06

Not to mention the relationship ended because he decided to move abroad to DJ. How committed would he even be to said baby?

The two have absolutely nothing to do with each other. There is no way of knowing how committed he could be - if given the chance.

OP posts:
sharkstale · 01/03/2026 20:49

exhaustDAD · 01/03/2026 20:26

The two have absolutely nothing to do with each other. There is no way of knowing how committed he could be - if given the chance.

I don't know why you've bothered posting this thread tbh. You're not listening to any reason contrary to what you want to do.

exhaustDAD · 01/03/2026 20:56

sharkstale · 01/03/2026 20:49

I don't know why you've bothered posting this thread tbh. You're not listening to any reason contrary to what you want to do.

I don't remember saying "Hey, tell me what to do, and I will pick a lucky winner out of the multitude of different opinions". I simply asked if people would do it or not. You told me you wouldn't, gave me your reasoning - which I thank you - and that's it, really. And just for good measure, you are wrong about me not listening to any reason, you will find responses where I acknowledge points I never considered from people who advise against it. The key being "making sense", and I apologise that your points do not fall into that group for me. No harm done, you can go left, I'll go right.

OP posts:
sharkstale · 01/03/2026 21:06

exhaustDAD · 01/03/2026 20:56

I don't remember saying "Hey, tell me what to do, and I will pick a lucky winner out of the multitude of different opinions". I simply asked if people would do it or not. You told me you wouldn't, gave me your reasoning - which I thank you - and that's it, really. And just for good measure, you are wrong about me not listening to any reason, you will find responses where I acknowledge points I never considered from people who advise against it. The key being "making sense", and I apologise that your points do not fall into that group for me. No harm done, you can go left, I'll go right.

Edited

Okay, well if it doesn't 'make sense' for you to stay out of it when you don't even know for sure if he's the dad, there's not much else to say. It sounds like you've made your mind up to "meddle", as you've put it, so good luck to you.

exhaustDAD · 01/03/2026 21:24

Thank you, @sharkstale . I hope you have a nice evening.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 02/03/2026 05:08

Obviously, the list is endless, but I feel this has the potential to help, and make things "right" or at least better

However, quite likely, this won’t make the world a bit better. It will just stir up a lot of shit. Then you get to shrug your shoulders and go ‘oh well’, and exit stage left while a whole heap of people have to deal with the hornets nest you have poked a stick at.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/03/2026 08:06

sharkstale · 01/03/2026 20:49

I don't know why you've bothered posting this thread tbh. You're not listening to any reason contrary to what you want to do.

Completely agree. Happy to toss a grenade into someone's life without thought.

exhaustDAD · 02/03/2026 08:43

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/03/2026 08:06

Completely agree. Happy to toss a grenade into someone's life without thought.

Literally been thinking since January. So, "without thought" is not entirely correct. Neither is "happy". This by no means brings me joy.

OP posts:
Readyforarest · 02/03/2026 09:09

Come on, very few of us buy the 'I'm a morally great man' excuse. There seems to be a deeper reason really, so what is the real reason you are so invested in your young adult cousins life? You can't stay anonymous and claim any substance behind your accusation. So it is worth exploring this question yourself before your family and friends explore this question.

exhaustDAD · 02/03/2026 09:19

Busted. The real reason is that when we were kids, their side of the family got a huge inheritance, and ours was just cast aside. We waited for a dramatic sunset, and drenched in tears and rage we looked back one final time and vowed that one day we would return and destroy their family...for revenge. Something like that?

I don't need anyone to buy anything @Readyforarest .I'm old enough to not give a flying f-ck what people may think of me (This somehow applies to strangers on the internet, too). I never said I was great (oh boy, far from it). I just think it is the right thing to do. But since the nature of the issue is rather delicate, I have been thinking about it a lot, not just barging in like some maniac. And to be far, a lot of the pps were genuinely helpful in terms of making me think about aspects I haven't considered before - that goes for both sides.

OP posts:
Readyforarest · 02/03/2026 09:23

Nah, I think it is much more likely that you are completely infatuated with this young woman and that is likely already obvious to her and your family.

LeedsLoiner · 02/03/2026 09:28

Not your circus, not your monkeys. To quote the great English philosopher Kat Slater "Leave it, it ain't worth it!"....

No matter what you tell yourself you know that you are doing this to stir things up not out of any sense that he needs to know...

exhaustDAD · 02/03/2026 09:29

Are you insane, @Readyforarest ? I will try to stay somewhat respectful here, but to even suggest something disgusting like that is not a good insight to how your brain works, and the ideas you can think of. Not sure what is acceptable in your world, but to even think about being infatuated with someone whose father is the sibling of your mother is absolutely shocking to me.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 02/03/2026 09:32

MarxistMags · 28/02/2026 02:46

Nope, keep out of it. The ex could be a right dick head. In fact, if he hasn't worked it out by himself, he IS a dick head. Definitely don't interfere, it's not your shit show.

He might not even know about the baby. They broke up before she found out she was pregnant. He moved to another country to work.

DaisiesButtercups · 02/03/2026 09:47

Readyforarest · 02/03/2026 09:09

Come on, very few of us buy the 'I'm a morally great man' excuse. There seems to be a deeper reason really, so what is the real reason you are so invested in your young adult cousins life? You can't stay anonymous and claim any substance behind your accusation. So it is worth exploring this question yourself before your family and friends explore this question.

He sounds concerned that the baby will grow up never knowing their dad. The child and the child’s dad deserve to know. OP is right and I’d also find a way to tell the baby’s dad so he can decide to take a dna test and be involved. OP sounds invested in the innocent child’s life, not the selfish cousin’s.

Rosetime · 02/03/2026 10:02

@exhaustDAD , don't bother responding to people trying to bait you.
For what it is worth, i think the young man in your post should know he is a father. That's the right thing.
I don't see it as meddling, I see it as 'Thank God there is someone honourable around involved in this mess'.

exhaustDAD · 02/03/2026 10:03

Thank you, @Rosetime , very kind. And solid advice, too.

OP posts:
Readyforarest · 02/03/2026 10:07

exhaustDAD · 02/03/2026 09:29

Are you insane, @Readyforarest ? I will try to stay somewhat respectful here, but to even suggest something disgusting like that is not a good insight to how your brain works, and the ideas you can think of. Not sure what is acceptable in your world, but to even think about being infatuated with someone whose father is the sibling of your mother is absolutely shocking to me.

You can accuse me of what you like and throw accusations back at me. But as I've said those close to you who do not just have your version of events may think the same and trying to guilt them for considering that or throwing the accusation back at them isn't likely to wash. It would be better to explore the question and have a better answer for those you care about. Most men do not become this involved in their young cousins lives. You want to insert yourself into someone else's drama, there are likely to be repercussions and expecting people to have blind faith in you isn't realistic.

Readyforarest · 02/03/2026 10:25

I am simply saying this isn't likely to just affect you cousins and her family but you and your family. Once the cat is out of bag that is where your control of the narritive ends and you must be prepared that this could be the start of a really rocky time for you. You need to explore that before you do anything.

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