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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 28/02/2026 12:46
  1. I like your writing style. It's quirky, and so what if you didn't use paragraphs. Daniel Defoe uses paragraphs but some of them are so damn long he may as well not have bothered and no-one complains.
  2. I do think that you should contact the ex-boyfriend, or failing that, collect as much information about him as you can so that you can share it with the child at a later stage if appropriate.
JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 28/02/2026 12:52

This is not about you OP and your moral sense of right and wrong - it is not your life or your story to tell.

He may have been a complete twat as a boyfriend, he may have been abusive - there may be many valid reasons this man doesn’t know - have you ever stopped to think that your interference may actually cause harm?

Tryagain26 · 28/02/2026 12:53

Keep out of it.
You don't know for sure that the other man is the father. All you have heard is hearsay.
Let the people involved deal with it.

Emmz1510 · 28/02/2026 13:01

It would pain me too OP for what it’s worth. But you aren’t close to these people, you don’t even know the dad. Even with all the things being true about potential child support, the dad and child having a right to know each other etc it still isn’t any of your business.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/02/2026 13:06

You can't be sure the ex is the Dad, cousin could have had an affair or one night stand.

Also, the vehemence with which the family hate him will mean he will never have meaningful access.

I'd leave it.

beAsensible1 · 28/02/2026 13:22

Mind your business. You said he’s not a nice guy you have no idea of his character there could be good reason.

you don’t even see or associate with them. And your passing judgment based on second hand information. Just leave it alone.

YorksMa · 28/02/2026 13:23

I'm one of the few who thinks the father has a right to know. But more importantly than that, the child has - or will have - a right to know. The mother and grandparents have no right to keep this kid's father from him or to pretend that he is dead. I have seen that scenario play out it really life (twice, actually) and it's the child who has paid the emotional/mental price both times - well into adulthood.
Also here to agree re the handful of moths. Absolutely beautiful.

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 28/02/2026 15:23

Tldr.

Lookingdownthebarrell · 28/02/2026 15:30

As you’re not even on speaking terms with her, how do you know for sure that your cousin didn’t sleep with anyone else other than these two men?

You also don’t say the family hates the first guy?

Do you know the first guy? Are you fan? Have you seen the baby?

You say you don’t want be involved with your family but in fact you seem to be over involved? Or you want to shit stir here?

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 15:36

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 28/02/2026 15:23

Tldr.

Good for you, thanks for sharing. A very good use of your time, I guess the urge to declare how much you didn't care was just too strong.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 15:44

Thank you to all who shared their thoughts, some of them genuinely were helpful perspectives.. Just a couple of general thoughts about all the pps:

  1. I get it. It was a long original post. I did not break it up into friendly paragraphs. But absolutely nobody is required to force themselves to read it. This is Mumsnet, for goodness sake, not some thesis writing exam. There are so many threads with similar length bodies of copy, littered with horrendous spelling, and a zero awareness of commas for good measure.

  2. How is assuming that the guy is an abusive prick a more valid reason compared to assuming that he's just a normal guy? I am not even attempting to be brave and assume he's a "good" guy. I don't know, I just don't get why assumption b is stronger than assumption a.

  3. I did not type down the entire family history and who is in touch exactly with whom, and through what means, personal, occasional whatsapp messages, or calls, emails.. There was no need for that, otherwise the post would have been 3x as long... I said I have distanced myself from them, that I don't go visiting them, but there is some contact, still. What I know is not hearsay. It is open discussions with the actual mother of the baby taking part, private chats with her, screenshots of chats, etc. Even the things I did not personally hear with my ears have been confirmed by multiple people being involved - the actual bloody grandparents themselves. And excuse me, if the mom - my cousin - claims that the guy was "alright" without him ever hurting her in any way, why the ever-loving hell would I assume that he is trying to lie about any abuse? It could happen, sure, but christ, to default to that assumption is wild to me. She would not hesitate to announce the abusive behaviour of the ex, especially to her parents, if it supported their hate campaign against him.

  4. Whether I care about these people, whether I know the dad or not, these questions are completely irrelevant. It is about rights. Something will not be "more right" or "less evil" if I know the people involved personally, or if I spend time with them for family lunches. It is about a baby - no matter if he is related to me or not, and it equally about a father, who does not know he became one.

OP posts:
SummerFate · 28/02/2026 16:54

How would you even begin to get in contact with him? I don’t know my cousin’s partner’s surname, and I DO talk to her. How are you going to find the ex of a cousin you barely contact?

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 16:57

SummerFate · 28/02/2026 16:54

How would you even begin to get in contact with him? I don’t know my cousin’s partner’s surname, and I DO talk to her. How are you going to find the ex of a cousin you barely contact?

It was actually surprisingly easy - already found him on instagram. I knew his name, and some of his old likes on my cousin's photos are still visible.

OP posts:
HoppityBun · 28/02/2026 17:08

Yes, For the sake of the child I most definitely would contact this man. However, I would be very careful what I said. I would, if possible, show him a photo of the baby and ask him if he is sure that he isn’t the father? Say that it’s up to him but perhaps he might like to think through all relevant dates.

It’s very important that children know who they are and who their parents are. It will also cause this child enormous harm if he finds this out at some point later in his life, which people increasingly do through DNA tests.

to be told that your father is dead when that is not true is appalling.

TheJaqual · 28/02/2026 17:10

Good luck whatever you decide to do. I hope it all works out ok.

Readyforarest · 28/02/2026 17:18

You shouldn't get involved in this and FGS don't go sending pictures of a minor to people without permission from the mother. He may not be the Dad.

I think if you insert yourself into the middle of a drama with a chaotic family you can expect that they will spend the rest of your life inserting themselves into your life dramas or spreading rumours about you.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 17:36

Readyforarest · 28/02/2026 17:18

You shouldn't get involved in this and FGS don't go sending pictures of a minor to people without permission from the mother. He may not be the Dad.

I think if you insert yourself into the middle of a drama with a chaotic family you can expect that they will spend the rest of your life inserting themselves into your life dramas or spreading rumours about you.

I wasn't going to send around photos to anyone, that's a big no.

In terms of inserting myself into a drama - I would find a relatively smart way to communicate with the guy, not barging in like an idiot without a plan with my name plastered all over it.
Regarding them spending their future inserting themselves into my life, spreading lies - Even if somehow they would know that it was my doing, I don't know how or why they would do that - them doing the dodgy thing will not automatically mean I have something dodgy to latch onto. I live drama-free, in a happy marriage with my wife and kids, ok job, ok house, not many things to dig into around me. I don't know why the reaction would be creating lies about me, but if anyone would feel the need to, that is not my problem, I am not 12.

OP posts:
DaisiesButtercups · 28/02/2026 17:38

The new boyfriend deserves to know that this child isn’t his.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 17:40

DaisiesButtercups · 28/02/2026 17:38

The new boyfriend deserves to know that this child isn’t his.

He does - did. He learned after the paternity test and waved goodbye. Which is at least one less person to live in a lie.

OP posts:
DaisiesButtercups · 28/02/2026 17:46

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 17:40

He does - did. He learned after the paternity test and waved goodbye. Which is at least one less person to live in a lie.

I didn’t notice that part as it was quite a large paragraph. I’d definitely try and let the other man know.

bumptybum · 28/02/2026 17:51

sorrynotathome · 28/02/2026 06:57

You don’t know who the father is. Mind your own business and stop kidding yourself that have any idea what “the right thing” is in this situation. You’re a meddler - stop meddling.

that child has a father. It may be his. Nothing to suggest it’s not

that man has a child. He should be given the chance to step up and support that child.

the child is completely innocent. The child has the right to know their father and be supported by both parents

HoppityBun · 28/02/2026 17:59

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 17:36

I wasn't going to send around photos to anyone, that's a big no.

In terms of inserting myself into a drama - I would find a relatively smart way to communicate with the guy, not barging in like an idiot without a plan with my name plastered all over it.
Regarding them spending their future inserting themselves into my life, spreading lies - Even if somehow they would know that it was my doing, I don't know how or why they would do that - them doing the dodgy thing will not automatically mean I have something dodgy to latch onto. I live drama-free, in a happy marriage with my wife and kids, ok job, ok house, not many things to dig into around me. I don't know why the reaction would be creating lies about me, but if anyone would feel the need to, that is not my problem, I am not 12.

May I clarify that I did say “show” not “send”.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/02/2026 18:11

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 10:18

I believe so too. My mom asked them if they are happy with the kid learn about the lie later and distancing himself from them because of it. They didn't understand.

I can answer that one.

It won't matter to them because their lying that he was dead/claiming 'you did know once but you've forgotten it'/eventually giving a fake or slightly misspelled name will mean that if the kid ever manages to ask outright and not be deflected away,

a) they won't be able to find him,
b) if they do there's a chance that he could already be dead and,
c) if it comes to the crunch, there isn't an entire childhood of a relationship and emotional attachment whilst there's been 18+ years (because they don't do it then, they only do it if they absolutely have to, which as they've ensured he isn't on the birth certificate, there is no way of finding out through a passport application/needing a full birth certificate, so it would have to be something like via a private DNA testing like Ancestry and his father would also have to have done one for random reasons, too) of 'we're your family, you don't need anybody else, he doesn't exist, he's dead, he wasn't interested, he was into drugs, violence to women is bad, hint hint' etc.

So they have their plaything and nobody can take it from them until it's aged out of cuteness.

Readyforarest · 28/02/2026 18:19

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 17:36

I wasn't going to send around photos to anyone, that's a big no.

In terms of inserting myself into a drama - I would find a relatively smart way to communicate with the guy, not barging in like an idiot without a plan with my name plastered all over it.
Regarding them spending their future inserting themselves into my life, spreading lies - Even if somehow they would know that it was my doing, I don't know how or why they would do that - them doing the dodgy thing will not automatically mean I have something dodgy to latch onto. I live drama-free, in a happy marriage with my wife and kids, ok job, ok house, not many things to dig into around me. I don't know why the reaction would be creating lies about me, but if anyone would feel the need to, that is not my problem, I am not 12.

I'm not saying you have any drama but would you be comfortable with them making accusations about you. For example telling your DC when they are teens/adults that your husband isn't their biological Dad. People tend to throw accusations back at people and it can get really really nasty. Just realised you are a Dad not Mum but that is just an example of how things can go.

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 18:23

Readyforarest · 28/02/2026 18:19

I'm not saying you have any drama but would you be comfortable with them making accusations about you. For example telling your DC when they are teens/adults that your husband isn't their biological Dad. People tend to throw accusations back at people and it can get really really nasty. Just realised you are a Dad not Mum but that is just an example of how things can go.

Edited

Honestly, I wouldn't care. (I am the dad, so in this scenario, they would claim that I am not the dad.., I know I didn't correct anyone who assumed I was a mom, but only because it's not important in the topic)

OP posts: