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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 02/03/2026 10:45

You need to explore that before you do anything.

Which is what I am doing by taking some time to carefully consider things, as I said earlier, @Readyforarest

OP posts:
financialcareerstuff · 03/03/2026 09:13

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 20:52

Based on that, nobody without a paternity test can ever be sure, ever. The mom is the closest anyone can get as a source of truth. And there is no implication of an affair. So, I don't know...I get what you mean, but this reasoning can go full circle.

This is true somewhat. However they broke up almost immediately. That statistically makes it much more a possibility. Either cheating could have been the cause of the break up. Or they weren’t getting along/getting bored- so the cheating and breakup were a dual result of a bad relationship. Plus the family obviously have lying, deception and self deception as a norm. Or nowadays, openness in relationships is more trendy than it has been in the past. So it is not an unreasonable possibility and it is a greater possibility than normal.

And…. comparing to the uncertainty of paternity that always applies…you would not normally go round making declarations about who biological fathers, would you? You would normally respect whatever a family chooses to present and not know any better either way.

Agree with the other poster therefore. All the man needs to know is the birthdate of the baby. You cannot declare anybody father.

exhaustDAD · 03/03/2026 09:28

@financialcareerstuff - I choose my words carefully, naturally. It is up to the dad to decide what to make of that information.
But the timeline is as follows:

  • Baby was conceived sometime in early March
  • They broke up (without drama according to the mom) mid-April - at this time, nobody, not even the mom knew about the pregnancy.
  • In between these two points in time, the couple still went on date nights, romantic getaways.
So If I was in the guy's shoes, I would pursue, because looking at the math, is a more than just a chance of the boy being his.
OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 13:49

Update:

I have managed to talk to the father through social media anonymously (using a throwaway account on that social media platform that was made for this purpose explicitly).

At first, he was understandably upset, freaking out about the prospect of a baby in the world that is his, without him knowing about it at all. Initially - and understandably - he wanted to know who I was, but very quickly understood why I would keep my identity to myself. He realised that in the grand scheme of things it matters not, and if what I am telling him is accurate, he has more important things to focus on. He didn't know what he would do right there and then, again, it is understandable. I wasn't sure what he'd do, if anything, by the time we said goodbye to each other.

After a couple of days, the whatsapp messages between family members blew up, and thus, I learned what happened after my chat with the guy.

As it turns out, he got in touch with my cousin, the mom, and asked about the baby, asked about how old he is. He asked if it is his or if there's anyone else who could be the dad. The mom first tried to shut it down, because she was worried about the grandparents' fury, but then she could not take it for long - she told him that while they were together, she was not seeing anyone else, no casual hookup, or anything, so she is certain the boy is his. The guy then asked if it's possible to have a paternity test - I think that is a reasonable request. The mom agreed, regardless of the grandparents foaming in the mouth. For the first time in her life, she went against her own parents' wishes and pushed back, because "in her heart she knew the kid needs to meet his dad" (Her own words from yesterday). This I did not see coming, truly. Makes me think she doesn't expect a surprising result, really. But we'll see.

The mom said that the guy has asked for a special leave from his work, so he can travel back home to do the test. He told the mom that if the test proves that he is indeed the father, he will move back to the country, will get a job somewhere near, and wants to be very much part of the boy's life. At the moment he is angry at the mom from keeping this from him, but he feels anger is secondary now, that it's about a little baby's future. He doesn't want them to be a couple again (again, I can definitely understand that), he wouldn't be against trying if it wasn't for hiding the pregnancy and the birth of the baby, but he doesn't want to be with someone who has done that. He is however willing to be civil to the mom going forward for the sake of the baby. His worry is the grandparents acting disgustingly going forward, but at the moment both him and the mom think they should cross that bridge if they get there.

One thing I would say: I am certainly surprised that my otherwise silly cousin chose to finally do what is right - she was forced in a corner, that is true, but at least she didn't try to double down now. She said something about her view changing a bit since she became a mother. The guy - it was a coin toss, whether he'd care or not. But I am personally very pleasantly surprised by his plans.

Was it worth it so far? Absolutely. And I am glad I listened to my gut. But all the questions and points did help create well-formed conversation points when I was talking to the guy. So whatever your contribution was to this thread, thanks.

Will update later if there is anything worth mentioning.

OP posts:
Rosetime · 08/03/2026 14:32

That's great.
Really good to hear.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 08/03/2026 15:05

Yeah, right

exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 15:52

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 08/03/2026 15:05

Yeah, right

All your previous comments suggested the worst every step of the way. That there may have been other people potentially who could be the real dad (even though there was no indication whatsoever), that he will never get access even if he was the actual dad, and then that I am "happy" to toss a grenade in people's lives. All of these were good enough thoughts for you to share, and then, when it turns out it actually WAS for the better, it is not believable to you, because - what? Because there's no way someone would choose the right thing? Everyone just has to be shit and scummy? Or simply because nothing you suggested actually became reality?

Sad.

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GeorgeMichaelsCat · 08/03/2026 16:34

exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 15:52

All your previous comments suggested the worst every step of the way. That there may have been other people potentially who could be the real dad (even though there was no indication whatsoever), that he will never get access even if he was the actual dad, and then that I am "happy" to toss a grenade in people's lives. All of these were good enough thoughts for you to share, and then, when it turns out it actually WAS for the better, it is not believable to you, because - what? Because there's no way someone would choose the right thing? Everyone just has to be shit and scummy? Or simply because nothing you suggested actually became reality?

Sad.

Edited

I don't believe your 'update'

exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 16:37

Feel free not to, @GeorgeMichaelsCat . Take care!

OP posts:
Paperwhite209 · 08/03/2026 17:43

I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all,

And the child's immediately family know him and hate him, possibly for good reason.

Keep your neb out.

exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 18:46

Paperwhite209 · 08/03/2026 17:43

I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all,

And the child's immediately family know him and hate him, possibly for good reason.

Keep your neb out.

If you bothered to read the details, you'd know why the immediate family - the parents of the mom hate him: Because he is a DJ, not something desirable, like a doctor or a lawyer, director of a company or whatever oldschool idea of "proper" they have. The mother of the baby, who was the partner of the guy DID NOT hate him, she said they separated without any drama, and he has done nothing wrong during the relationship, or the breakup. Too late to keep my neb out, as per the update above. But thanks for the comment.

OP posts:
Patchworkquilts · 08/03/2026 21:09

Your update is wonderful news. But there are a lot of details in it. I think if as my of the parties stumbled across this post they would surely recognise themself. Are you sure you should be writing so many details online?

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 08/03/2026 21:10

exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 16:37

Feel free not to, @GeorgeMichaelsCat . Take care!

I will thanks

exhaustDAD · 08/03/2026 21:16

Thank you @Patchworkquilts . A very good point. It should be fine, they do not live in the UK, English is not their native language, either, so the chances of that would be close to zero.

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NaiceBalonz · 09/03/2026 03:02

I'm glad you made the right call.

Lots of women in this thread telling on themselves, I think.

exhaustDAD · 15/03/2026 20:06

Update 2:

Now it is official - the guy IS the father, the paternity test makes it unquestionable now. Just as we thought. It is great that I am so far, and I can act surprised by the news. He will move back from abroad to be close and will co-parent his son. The grandparents are upset and unhappy, can't say I feel much sympathy, they'll have to put their adult pants on and deal with their feelings about the dad. I am glad the kiddo will have a dad in his life. And glad that the father now nows and lives the truth, too.

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OneDenimSquid · 21/03/2026 21:00

I’ve just logged back into mumsnet for the first time in weeks and genuinely pleased to read your updates. This was truly the right thing to do (although easy to say that now given the outcome) but I feel like there are too many NIMBY (not in my back yarders) these days with somewhat skewed moral compasses. You were right to follow yours.

The grandparents will get over it I’m sure! Glad to hear your cousin’s perspective has shifted since being a mum too - hopefully everything will work out for this child. Also
apologies to all 20 somethings for the previous sweeping assumption I made!!

Pryceosh1987 · 22/03/2026 00:45

I think openness and honesty is the key in every event of life.

exhaustDAD · 22/03/2026 08:32

OneDenimSquid · 21/03/2026 21:00

I’ve just logged back into mumsnet for the first time in weeks and genuinely pleased to read your updates. This was truly the right thing to do (although easy to say that now given the outcome) but I feel like there are too many NIMBY (not in my back yarders) these days with somewhat skewed moral compasses. You were right to follow yours.

The grandparents will get over it I’m sure! Glad to hear your cousin’s perspective has shifted since being a mum too - hopefully everything will work out for this child. Also
apologies to all 20 somethings for the previous sweeping assumption I made!!

Thank you very much for the kind comment. Even though there was indeed a lot of "not my business" points made, I think they did help me formulate things in my head carefully, so at the end of the day, they were useful in their own way. But yes, it was definitely the right thing to do. I am glad things went the way they did.

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