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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

219 replies

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 00:02

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

OP posts:
curious79 · 28/02/2026 07:17

I think, if I knew where he lived and knew his name I would consider dropping him an anonymous note, but otherwise I would stay well out of this one

Eviebeans · 28/02/2026 07:18

What do you think would happen if you told the ex boyfriend?
Are you thinking he’d rush back home and form a loving relationship and family unit for the child?
Who do you think would benefit for him knowing that he may be the father of this child? He may of course not be

somuchbedding · 28/02/2026 07:19

As pp said there may have been a ONS etc, I would stay out of it.

TheBlueKoala · 28/02/2026 07:21

WinterBlues26 · 28/02/2026 00:39

I appreciate the honesty. I mean, I wouldn't respond to something I didn't read personally, but I agree, it is long.

It's not because it's long (I can actually read big books!) but because it's not broken up into decent paragraphs. It's a disability thing. However your post was just general background and not really necessary to the main question (which was your title) - would you tell a man he is a dad. Answer - no. It's not your place.

I have the same problem but I didn't know it was a disability thing? Would you mind sharing (in case I'm concerned as well)?

I thought everyone found it hard to read a non structured text🤷‍♀️

moonstarsuns · 28/02/2026 07:22

I must be the only one who agrees that the dad has a right to know

Flopsythebunny · 28/02/2026 07:28

It's got absolutely nothing to do with you. Keep your beak out

DarknessFoolsYou · 28/02/2026 07:31

They all hated him so chances are he isn’t a good man. Stay out.

eta. Just seen who the OP is. Seriously OP do you not get tired of being such a busy body. I thought it may just be on here but it seems you’re insufferable irl too.

financialcareerstuff · 28/02/2026 07:33

No OP. 1. If he cared about her or whether he is a father he would have used protection more carefully and/or kept in touch enough to notice her getting pregnant. 2. He may be an abusive arse and you would be screwing up the baby’s life by dragging him into it. While you clearly don’t like the family maybe there is a legitimate reason why they all hate him. 3. For all you know he’s not the father. You have no contact with the girl so there is no way you would know if she had sex with someone else.

Endofyear · 28/02/2026 07:47

It's nothing to do with you, you don't know that he's the father, mind your own business!

Lurkingandlearning · 28/02/2026 07:49

NaiceBalonz · 28/02/2026 04:42

Disgusting to hear how many people think a man doesn't deserve to know he has a child.

I'd tell him, OP. We all have to make decisions we can live with, and I couldn't live with not doing so.

I agree with this^

But what really convinced me that you should speak up is their plan, should he ever ask, is to tell the child his father is dead. No lie is too disgusting for them. They are appalling people.

It seems on this thread a child's right to know their father isn't as important as a whole family lying to conceal the irresponsible behaviour of the mother. On other threads that talk about fathers who choose to be unknown to his child in all but name, those fathers are flamed.

Some posters have said the father is abusive. I think that is based on the word of a bunch of people who happily admit they are liars - so was he? Even if he was, not all men who abuse women also abuse children. He might be a responsible co-parent. He might even teach his child that lying isn't the go to response to difficult situations.

Stillhere83 · 28/02/2026 07:54

You just don't know the circumstances. Even if they broke up because they weren't that serious / he moved to another country, things could have gone on in their relationship which are a good reason to keep this from him. He could have abused her in some way (you would not necessarily know this). Or he could have told her he never wanted kids/turned out to be married, etc.

Is he still in another country? That could also trigger international custody issues, which can be really life ruining for everyone involved.

To all those saying he has to be told, you're assuming this is a good guy, and of course in those circumstances it would be right that he knows. But we don't know this, and that means the OP really doesn't know what this could start.

janietreemore · 28/02/2026 08:04

You sound as if you really hate these relatives OP and any meddling you do in their lives is unlikely to work out well. Stay out of it.

NeedyExpert · 28/02/2026 08:05

As a child who was born and told my father was my father, 20 odd years later....he is not and I cannot find my real dad. He came to me when I was born to only be told not so very nicely by multiple people that he wasn't welcome and wasn't my dad. Dad needs to know and baby needs to know. I'll never forgive the people that hid this from me.
How dare they think they can do this, its not right xx

Paganpentacle · 28/02/2026 08:08

MarxistMags · 28/02/2026 02:46

Nope, keep out of it. The ex could be a right dick head. In fact, if he hasn't worked it out by himself, he IS a dick head. Definitely don't interfere, it's not your shit show.

He’s in a different country… he wouldn’t know unless he was told.
OP.. I’d tell him.
My husband grew up not knowing anything about his father. It’s totally fucked him up.

sittingonabeach · 28/02/2026 08:16

A child has the right to know who their dad is and from an earlier age the better. It would be very wrong to tell a child their dad had died when he hadn’t

Cerialkiller · 28/02/2026 08:18

I would try to find a way of telling the (probably father) anonymously, eg via social media or a new email address or via his family or whatever in at least a couple of ways.

Of course he may choose not to do anything about it which is up to him.

friedaddedchilli · 28/02/2026 08:19

“Handful of moths”. Genius

ERthree · 28/02/2026 08:23

A child deserves to know who their father is. Forget the adults this is about this baby in the future. Tell the father.

bigsoftcocks · 28/02/2026 08:23

So much unnecessary detail in this. Question is simple
No, you shouldn’t tell them it’s none of your business

exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:26

MarxistMags · 28/02/2026 02:46

Nope, keep out of it. The ex could be a right dick head. In fact, if he hasn't worked it out by himself, he IS a dick head. Definitely don't interfere, it's not your shit show.

I have no idea what gave that impression, based on what? He doesn't know of the kid's existence, as they broke up and they are not in touch.
Fair suggestion about it not being my shitshow, but expecting a guy to have worked it out while never hearing about the pregnancy is a tall order

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 28/02/2026 08:31

NaiceBalonz · 28/02/2026 04:42

Disgusting to hear how many people think a man doesn't deserve to know he has a child.

I'd tell him, OP. We all have to make decisions we can live with, and I couldn't live with not doing so.

Thanks for understanding my POV, @NaiceBalonz . I was starting to think I am all alone feeling this way.

OP posts:
Sassylovesbooks · 28/02/2026 08:32

You suspect the ex boyfriend is the Dad, and yes, it's likely. However, you don't know if your cousin had sex with someone else in between her ex and the next man (who she tried to palm off as being Dad).

The ex has moved abroad...was this for work or did he move back to his country of origin? If he's living abroad, how easy would it be for him to have a relationship with his child?? He may not necessarily be able to pack his bags and move straight back to the UK (assuming you're in the UK). He might not be in the slightest bit interested either!

I'm in two minds, yes he should know he's a Dad but equally the situation is absolutely none of your business and doesn't effect you in any way on a personal level.

fartoomuchtoblerone · 28/02/2026 08:35

Tracking down a guy you’ve never met, based on the information your mum gets once a year about your cousin, who was in only a casual relationship with him, and who you never see, sounds like a tall order. Do you know enough about him to be able to contact him?

Ilovelurchers · 28/02/2026 08:36

WinterBlues26 · 28/02/2026 00:39

I appreciate the honesty. I mean, I wouldn't respond to something I didn't read personally, but I agree, it is long.

It's not because it's long (I can actually read big books!) but because it's not broken up into decent paragraphs. It's a disability thing. However your post was just general background and not really necessary to the main question (which was your title) - would you tell a man he is a dad. Answer - no. It's not your place.

Our of interest, what is the disability if you don't mind sharing? As I am a teacher and have never come across this specific one, and it may be something that some of my students suffer from..... I am aware that paragraphs make texts easier to read generally, but I didn't realise some people where actually unable to read texts without them.....

Also love "handful of moths".

OP, I don't think the answer to your moral dilemma is as straightforward as others seem to think. My worry would be, are you certain that this man, the father, was not abusive (how can you be, really?) and that you might be risking mother and child's safety by reintroducing him into their lives? As this is usually the reason a woman conceals the paternity of her child, I would expect. (Not always, of course).

Ophir · 28/02/2026 08:38

@exhaustDAD I too feel you should tell him. It’s not just about him having the tight yo know, but the child having the right to know who their father is.

The lies and deceit planned about the whole thing by the family are shocking. And these things have a way of coming out at some point. Better now than an Eastenders moment when the kid is 18