Would you "meddle" to let the man know he is a dad?

[exhaustDAD]

First of all, let me start that I know I will get a few "Sounds fake" comments. It is however, very much real. It is something that does not involve me directly, but my sense of right is flaring up when I think about this issue.
I am not close to my cousins, as a young child I hated forced wider family gatherings, by the time I was old enough not to be taken by my mother, I stopped visiting them. I had my reasons, let's just say they were not really pleasant people in my eyes. My mother however sometimes visits them, it's her side of the family, once a year she visits her siblings, and with that, sees the youngest ones of my cousins who still live with their parents, basically, gigantic house with multiple generations living together, god knows I couldn't live like that, I like peace too much. Anyway - One of my younger cousins, who is in her early twenties, got pregnant. A little background there: She used to date a young guy my uncle and everyone else in that family hated, and then at one point they broke up, and she basically had a brand new boyfriend almost immediately. Now, this new guy the family liked more. This is important. When it came out that my cousin was pregnant, she was already with the new guy. Don't want to make this thread as long as a novel, so to keep it short, let's just say that the prenatal appointments had some results that raised eyebrows. Based on the estimation, the baby was conceived at a point in time when the new boyfriend was not even in the picture yet. However, my cousin twisted it around enough to make everyone believe that it's just not right, and doctors make mistakes - and because everyone hated the ex-boyfriend, they all made themselves believe it, because it was convenient. My poor mother was there for a visit when it came up, and she pointed out that the math is not correct, and my uncle - her brother - snapped at her in a real nasty way that she shouldn't manifest the kid being the ex-boyfriend's. (Side note: This is a great example of why I distance myself from that side of the family...I truly can't stand delusion and wilful ignorance). But not everyone is so gullible - The new boyfriend's mum is not an idiot like my uncle, she demanded a paternity test so nobody makes a fool out of her son. I get it. Shockingly, it came back that it's not his. Understandably, the new boyfriend said his goodbyes, and now my idiotic cousin and her parents act convinced that the test was not right, so they want to drag the guy back for another type of a test, something he categorically refused ever since - again, understandable. My uncle and co. are still convinced that this poor guy is the baby's father, and nobody is allowed to even mention the previous ex boyfriend's name in the house. It's like some low-tier soap opera. Everyone who is more intelligent than a handful of moths realises that the previous ex boyfriend is the dad, it is not even a guess. So, since then, the baby was born this winter. Healthy, cute. I just feel sorry for him for being born into such circumstances.

And this is why I can't stop thinking about doing something. My mother was talking to my uncle in January - telling them off for behaving this way, and in the middle of an argument asked him what they will tell this little kid when he's old enough to ask about his father. And my moron of an uncle said that he doesn't care, they will just tell him he died. When my mother told me about this, something snapped in me. There is a young guy out there who became a father without knowing about it. I don't know him, I don't know if he'd be a good dad at all, but he is a dad, regardless, he has a right to know - is what I am thinking. Just because the immature and dumb mother allows herself to be controlled by her own parents' lies and plays into them, this baby doesn't have a father in his life, and the father doesn't even know of his existence. I used to meddle in people's affairs when I was a dumb teenager, when I thought I am doing something good. I stopped being that way in my late teens.. But something tells me, if nobody does the right thing, I will have to find this guy and tell him somehow myself. Would you do it? Or would you suggest I drop it, and stop thinking about it? I just can't, I think. It is wrong what they are doing.

If I could tell the ex boyfriend anonymously, I'd consider it.

That is what I am considering...

There are plenty of other rumours that could be started about you as a Dad, potentially after you are no longer here to defend yourself. But if you really don't care about the impact on your DC and your priority is inserting yourself into drama then go for it, who cares if it blows up in your face eh?

There are a lot of mental gymnastics involved in your scenario. The most obvious one being anyone starting anything about me, for starters. I think there is a very small likelihood of that, I can't even entertain the idea. Your thoughts went there, not sure anyone else's would. This is not a debate between prioritising some non-existing smear campaign over the emotional well-being of my children. Also, taking it further to a future scenario when I am no longer here - that would assume that my kids are mature, grown men themselves - if I did die of old age, that is. I would expect my adult DC to laugh off any unfound lie about me. Any accusation can only have impact if there are some type of proof at play, forged or otherwise. If someone walked up to us and claimed that my kids are not mine without some sort of proof, do you know how much impact it would have on any of us? Like a semi-long, awkward fart.

Speaking of me dying of old age, in that fantasy fiction you do realise the grandparents, my uncle and his wife are supposedly long gone too. Unless the deep-rooted hatred and sense of vengeance kept them alive...Or better yet - They come back as ghosts to tarnish my good name, haha.

Ah, had fun with this one. Thanks for that. I could have just simply pointed out what I said above that I am working out a way to not have my name plastered all over it, but this was more entertaining.

@exhaustDAD can you be 100% sure she didnt have an affair etc therefore its only a possibility that its his

I don't think it is mental gymnastics at all. I work with chaotic families and I am giving advice based on my experiences. You are planning on thowing petrol onto a fire, specifically related to a baby when you have said you do not have all of the facts. I believe there will likely be repercussions for you.

@BackinRed101 No affair, based on what the mom herself said, and what her sister says (she is someone the mom shares everything with, any single thing she ever done, boy problems, messes, mistakes). I mean strictly speaking, how could anyone ever vouch for another person a 100% not having an affair. Number-wise, never.

I hear you. But as I mentioned before, I intend to stay anonymous.

true but no ones going to admit an affair especially if they have a specific person in mind on who they presume is the dad, you could ask would you do a dna test etc because at a guess thats what the dad would say

Precisely, which is why you should make your decisions on the understanding that you do not know who the father is.

I agree, but it's not implied that there was an affair, so I can't base the outcome of the whole drama entertaining something like that. If the dad is being told, I assume he would like a paternity test done... Surely, anyone being told 'hey, you have a kid' would not just take it on face value.. The math checks out. If he takes the baby's age, he will see that conception happened when he was still having regular sex with the mother. So just that alone should be enough to pursue, I think. If I was him, at least.

Based on that, nobody without a paternity test can ever be sure, ever. The mom is the closest anyone can get as a source of truth. And there is no implication of an affair. So, I don't know...I get what you mean, but this reasoning can go full circle.

if the mum agrees to the test then one can conclude no affair, if instead she goings on about the timelines matching etc

Yeah, that is exactly it, @BackinRed101 . That is why I am still thinking about a possibility to talk to her instead, if I end up deciding not communicating with the dad.

Tell the father.

The bit about 'no implication of an affair' shows that you don't get what I mean, because I think the idea that you'd have found out out if she'd shagged someone else is batshit. If you do decide to contact him, you certainly can't tell him that he's the father, only that he's a potential contender.

In most cases you don't actually need to concern yourself with the paternity of someone else's child anyway, so it's immaterial whether you feel certain in general or not.

Thanks for sharing your view on it. It is more helpful than you think.

You're really overthinking somebody else's business. Again, you barely even know these people.

I wouldn’t bank on staying anonymous. I’d be almost certain they’ll figure out it was you.

As i pointed it out in a previous message - I know these people very well, just because I don't enjoy being in their company so I don't go and meet up with them for wider family visits, there are other means of communication between us. So, if you don't mind, I will be a better judge of how well I know them.
But even if it was accurate and I didn't know them very well, it's still despicable to deny the knowledge of having a child from a father, and an absolute disgrace to plan to lie to a baby growing up about his father not being alive.
This whole "not your business" concept is just the lazy convenience. If someone is being assaulted on the street, for example, that is also not my business, I don't know the person after all... (and before I get called out, I am not comparing the two situations, I am just using an example where I also don't know the person, but a choice to make to do the right thing)

But you don't associate with them, don't talk to them directly, don't like them, don't have the full facts of the situation, don't know if there could be other men involved, don't know if the man in question was a nice bloke or abusive, and can't possibly know if they were still having "regular sex" like you claim in your pp. You actually come across weird af that you're obsessing over this so much when you don't know any of these facts. YOU are the one risking blowing up the child's life. Give your head a wobble.

Ok, let's see.

you don't associate with them: Irrelevant
don't talk to them directly: I do, I referred to this already, but go on.
don't like them: Oh no, that one is true... Very much irrelevant, though.
don't have the full facts of the situation: I know facts shared by them directly, with me, and other family members.

don't know if there could be other men involved : Well, I can't know for 100% I am not cheated on by my wife every time she goes to work, either... And you don't know if who you think your dad is, is your biological dad either, not a 100%, right? So can we just drop this. I will rely on the info coming straight from their mouths, and the lack of any indication of it being otherwise.

don't know if the man in question was a nice bloke or abusive: Based on what the mother shared herself, even though it would serve their narrative if she claimed that he was (!) - he was not abusive. Being "nice" is very subjective. I am nice to my kids and wife, my friends and coworkers. To you I am most certainly am not.

and can't possibly know if they were still having "regular sex" like you claim in your pp.: FFS, really? Just really? Because I wasn't standing by their door listening in? Fine, here's a little extra detail that I didn't plan on adding, because it matters not. During their relationship, apparently they kept going to a summer house the parents own to be intimate (due to the home never being empty). This was shared with us as an example how the parents made it difficult for them to get some privacy. And since I see what she shares on social media as we are connected, I saw a whole bunch of "romantic getaway" and "date night" photos shared, kissing in a jacuzzi (I wouldn't share personal crap like that, but whatever) dated end of March, beginning of April. They broke up mid-April, and the baby was conceived sometime in March. Can we assume that the 20-something-year old couple who goes to a private place to have sex actually had sex while they were at this place? I am willing to bet on them not playing monopoly after getting out of that jacuzzi. However, I can't be a 100% sure of that, either.

You actually come across weird af that you're obsessing over this so much when you don't know any of these facts: I may be weird af, never claimed that I wasn't. Obsessed? No. Wanting to do what's right and thinking about it? Yes.

YOU are the one risking blowing up the child's life: Uhum. Ok. Yeah. I am making the conscious choice of LYING about his father if he ever asks, and I am the one choosing not to tell the father about him. Screw me, for wishing some justice for two people who have no say in their own lives. If I was the dad, I would like it if someone told me. If I was the baby growing, I would rather know the truth than someone lying to me because of their own agenda.

Give your head a wobble: Will do. As soon as I do something stupid, I promise.

"I will rely on the info coming straight from their mouths"
Well, they've said it's not him..

@exhaustDADwell that escalated from this morning didn't it!? Just to bring things back into focus, as things have got just a little side tracked!

What can you live with? And equally, what can your wife live with? What does she say about it?

If I were in your shoes. I'd take note of the opinions that have made the most valid points and then take a few weeks to sit on it to let the dust settle and make sure you're not acting based on others opinions. Although you don't strike me as the type to be easily swayed, it can be easy to get riled up.

Then if in a few weeks you feel the same maybe try and check on the potential dad's character, if able, to make sure he's not abusive (the best you can). Consider the knock on effect of him being abusive, even if the family haven't admitted to this. Some people still feel shame and won't freely admit to being emotionally or mentally abused, etc.

Then consider if the family will let him and his parents have contact with the baby and the knock on effect if they won't. (Court, etc)

Then consider if it's better to save the details of the potential father for when the child is actively asking questions.

After all that go with whatever you feel most strongly about. What you can live with every time you have to interact with them and the child.

Again, very eloquently put @Bourneo . I intend to make a decision with everything being considered. To answer your question, my wife supports the way I feel about it, she is someone who has had a traumatic past growing up, lies being fed to her about her own dad, making them lose time they could have spent together when she was a kid. So, to me it is not surprising that she is on this side, too. Well, I will think about it... thoroughly, and whatever happens, I will update this thread.