DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hi @Iworkmiricles I agree with @Catza and I never swipe right on men if their profile is negative or complaining. That’s what you’ll get IRL and they’re not ready to date. That could be why they’re ghosting you and just collecting matches to boost their ego. Or not even single and in a rocky relationship.

Try to be more selective and unless you’re on bumble see if they message first. I don’t mind messaging first but on other platforms that nearly always leads to ghosting. It’s normal, it’s not you. I’ve had a couple message first on Hinge over the last day and the conversation is flowing. The right men are out there but you’ve always got to work through the crud to get to the decent ones.

I never message first - I ignore a huge amount of profiles for the least reason but complaining is a big no no as is ‘no drama’ ‘no baggage’ and ‘separated’ - I also don’t bother with ‘want to look after you’ ‘old fashioned’ ‘honest/trustworthy/genuine’

I am possibly missing out on some fellas but I’m not that invested to worry about it.

I also think I’m a bit aged out at 60 as many my age prefer younger and I get 70+ instead!

However, despite all the above I had a really nice date last week (he wasn’t 70 either!) - unfortunately I can’t face having someone being around too much/texting too much and he was clearly keen on getting involved more than I. But just saying it is possible to catch a date despite keeping boundaries (and mine are currently a bit excessive tbh - more than I listed above!)

Thank you for the advice x I shall absolutely take heed. Poor texting is already a no, and I don't even consider anyone who has not had a relationship for less than 10 years. Also, no further than an hour away.
I've found bumble and hinge pretty poor. Three chats on hinge, one on bumble. May be it's just where I live in the North East? No men about?

Thorough of you to check 😁

Completely agree with avoiding profiles with negative comments, lists of things they don’t want, moaning about apps and online dating in their profiles. Deeply unattractive.

I just got a match and a ‘Happy Saturday!’ opening message. Is that an instant unmatch?! Hate those low effort openers.

Absolutely, any kind of negativity at all in a profile is a total red flag. I’m surprised how often I see it too!

Well, Mr Charismatic really surprised this weekend. In the past our dates have typically been 2-3 weeks apart as we are both fairly busy. We had dinner last weekend so I didn’t expect him to be keen to meet up again this weekend. But he messaged Friday asking if I’d like to go see some open homes with him on Sunday (not as terrible a date as it sounds - we are coincidentally both looking in the same areas and same budget!). Then he messaged Sat night saying he was unexpectedly available due to a friend cancelling plans, so did I want to meet up sooner. Long story short, he ended up coming over Sat night and we’ve just spent all Sunday together (so pretty much 24 hours together) with plans to meet up again on Wednesday.

It’s all feeling rather lovely and like it’s heading in a nice direction organically. But if it’s going to keep heading this way then I think a chat about exclusivity is on the cards. And if that happens the I would absolutely need to put a pause to the situationship with Mr Nomad.

*surprised me

I wouldn't respond to Happy Day of the week message. First of all, I hate the phrase. Secondly, it is absolutely low effort and even if you respond the rest of their offering tends to be similarly uninspiring.

This sounds promising @BoxOfCats 😊

@BoxOfCats well done 👏it does sound promising x

Sounds really promising @BoxOfCats- I was put off a second date with last week’s one due to his keenness to start on both morning/night and ‘I’ve had corn flakes for breakfast’ texts the next day, and his making plans of what ‘we’ were now going to be doing together - we had less than 3 hour date btw - I like this approach of yours and your date - natural and very promising - enjoy.

A new match started with ‘how are you?’ Despite the inner eye roll, I replied with a bit about my day to give him something to talk about (even though I have lots of details on my profile) and asked about his weekend. Reply: ‘it was good.’ No follow up question. This is a man who lists ‘writing’ as one of his interests!!

@Polly1979 sounds like hard work, will you persist or just delete him?

@Polly1979 he meant shopping lists.

I'm shocked by the number of people listing 'watching films and meals out' as hobbies.

@PinkNeonSign yes I’ve deleted him! That’s not someone I even want to have a fling with, let alone anything else.

@Nosdacariad yes! I’ve noticed a few low effort profiles listing writing as a hobby. They must think it makes them sound like a dreamy intellectual and ‘interesting.’ Shame they have absolutely nothing to back it up.

Maybe a fling would be fine @Polly1979 🤣

I’m feeling a bit sore about too much emotional investment this morning. Mr Scenester is lovely and so well mannered but not much of a texter, we’ve messaged most days but not yesterday. Our childcare arrangements don’t align, we’ve plans to see each other next weekend but I’m just wondering how we’ll sustain something if there’s not much contact in between.

Then the elusive Mr Elusive is back which has unsettled me. We had a bit of a heart to heart on Saturday night, I think he’s more bothered about me than I thought he was, but, I explained it’s not enough for him just to call me at 11.30pm on the off chance I’m free. He acknowledged he needs to up his game then hasn’t followed through with any arrangements. Behaviour really is a language. I’m annoyed I’ve let it affect me and distract me from what’s happening with Scenester, but then his radio silence yesterday hasn’t helped.

I think it’s just that the majority of people are boring and think that putting those down makes them more ‘interesting’. That’s it’s better to have something rather than nothing.

I think you’re right @PinkNeonSign - if you’re not able to see much of each other, surely you need a reasonable amount of messaging and calls to keep the momentum going? I think it is hard when your weekends don’t align. After my recent experience (ghosted after being in a similar situation to yours) I’m seeing non-aligning weekends as a red flag.

@Polly1979 in probably doing him a bit of a disservice, we’ve messaged most days but it tends to be one or two long messages that take ages to write rather than back and forth. He’s also been really proactive about arranging meeting when we can but I think I’m just a bit fed up about the realities of trying to date when you have responsibilities and wondering if it’s doable.

It is if you both try equally hard 😁

Mr Boulder was looking promising but it has just dawned on him I live 50 miles away...

Have you tried phone calls?
I generally feel they work better when you can't see each other for a while and I now set the tone right away that I prefer phone calls to texts. Just had a 40 minute call with Mr. Poet this morning which we do most days.

Eurgh. Had a few beers (it's my weekend after work) and messaged the fireman. Can someone come and take my phone off me?

@CleanShirt- think we’ve all done this.
Happens last week’s date messaged me at 11pm Saturday - despite him saying he doesn’t drink at all!
If it helps I don’t think anything of it - a lot less than when I have sent them and kept torturing my embarrassed self over and over.
Try changing his name to ‘Don’t Contact’ or something- it just gives you that second’s pause to maybe stop - doesn’t always work.
But do anyway Stop Worrying!

Haha we’ve all been there…
Has he replied? 😁