DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I am feeling like a complete fool tbh, running around telling everyone I'd met this great guy, how emotionally mature he seemed, kind, thoughtful and intentional, attracted to me... it's hit me hard because I wonder if am just an awful judge of character, what did I miss? The quiet in-between dates was my request so that's not a sign, I don't know. Also, (I know pathetic alert), I sort of miss him and was looking forward to seeing him again... I know, I am a saddo.

rubberduck68 Don't be too hard on yourself. Telling people/being excited is a normal thing to do when you think it's going well!

I remember telling my neighbour that I was meeting a man for our second date, all exited! She's not mentioned it since so I'm grateful for that (as obviously it didn't work out)

He's probably just as lovely as he seemed, but just lacks that part in his brain where he can tell you what's going on (weather he met somebody else/wasn't feeling it or whatever)

You could still hear from him so prepare yourself for that. Seems to be a pattern on here that they disappear then re-appear.

Now @rubberduck68 I'm going to share some learning from my recent break up...feel free to ignore.

Your "could I have done something differently" is your brain trying to make sense of the loss of the hope and excitement you attached to him.

Your "saddo" comment is just not true. Almost everyone, me included, has felt like this. (When a guy changed his mind about a second date I cried, I can't even remember his pseudonym on here now).

You handled this so well. You didn't rush it, you set your boundary about comms, you didn't do the pick me dance.

Please be VERY proud.

I know it feels dreadful, I get it.

Sending love x

You're not a fool at all @Nosdacariad . I think it just wasn't to be. If you are concerned that it was mixed signals, then reach out. Do you think he thought you weren't interested in him?

Sorry, meant to ref @rubberduck68 there

You’re not a fool and we’ve all been there. Sadly OLD seems to have blurred people boundaries and they see others as disposable commodities rather than real people with feelings.

Tbh I think most people who ghost are cowardly and aren’t emotionally mature enough to say ‘sorry but this isn’t working for me’

Although that’s not a nice message to receive at least it gives closure rather than leaving us wondering ‘whet if’

I know I said previously not to contact him but if you’re feeling this bad (and I’ve been there too ) would it be better do you think to contact him to draw a line under it? @rubberduck68

You can also bring closure by blocking him so he has no access to you. Ordinarily an exit message is better from the party doing the ghosting but this will stop you wondering and checking your phone.
PP’s are right, we’ve all been there and thought we’ve found a good’un. Then found they’re not. I had a wonderful honeymoon period last a whole year before I saw the real version of him. There could be some comfort that you were still early on and you’ve dodged a bullet?

@rubberduck68 You're absolutely not foolish at all!

The fireman was my first time in bed with someone for 2 years after my divorce, and I definitely fell into a bit of limerance afterwards - my brain definitely raced away with a reality that never happened. I felt foolish and sad too. They weaved the web, we just fell into it! X

You are absolutely not a fool! You haven’t made a fool of yourself to anyone at all, you can hold your head up high. You sensed something was off and trusted your intuition and didn’t go chasing for answers, give yourself a pat on the back girl! X

I am going to go against the grain and say that you might not have missed anything and nothing bad may actually be happening. The only information we have is that there's been one extra day. That's all.
I know how mind likes to catastrophise because mine does the same sometimes. There are two options in this scenario. You wait patiently and, if no further contact, affirm your beliefs and block. Or... you can call him.
If nothing else, it will force some kind of action. He will either answer the call and you talk, maybe make a date or maybe break up. Or he will ignore you and/or block your number. I would, personally, do that rather than sit and ruminate. Yes, the outcome may still be the same but you will know sooner.

I did ask him out on the last date, I was attentive and we did a lot of kissing before the end of the date. I’m not sure how I could’ve given out that signal? Very hard to read someone else else’s mind, isn’t it?

I don’t know… I just ludicrously remain convinced that this man really likes me, based only on our dates together and the fact that he said it was an amazing date. And he did text me two days later so it’s not like he decided to ghost me after the date. Maybe he is expecting me to communicate to him now I just don’t know there are so many different rules and expectations in OLD. I find it also confusing.

Maybe if I want some closure and to retain some dignity I just sent him a general message asking how his weeks been, don’t ask if he wants to see me again and don’t ask him out again… What do we think?

Although I do really think surely if a man likes you and you’ve had four great dates and you asked him out on the last date and there was a lot of kissing before goodbye, and he texted you on the Sunday - surely he’s not going to refuse to ask you out again, just because you haven’t sent him another text message?

I would do exactly the same, you know he’s not an excessive at texting and leads a busy life, but either way, you deserve to know what’s what after 4 dates.

What will you do if he doesn’t reply though? Sounds like he’s avoiding you.

This is the problem. I don’t know if he is avoiding me. He messaged me on Sunday two days after the day, normal timeline for us but was abnormal is that he did not ask for a phone chat and he has not asked me out again. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t message him. Everyone keeps saying that if a man wants to see you again, nothing will really get in his way, do we all believe that?

We do and we don't...
If the man likes you nothing will stop him asking you out but also nothing should stop being able to text or call him whenever you see fit. If you have to question whether you can or can't and what he might think, I think that's probably not a good sign.
I spent a lot of time looking online at various dating advice after my long-term relationship broke down. It was more of a coping mechanism than anything. Nowadays, there is a lot of emphasis put on "matching energy" and "not chasing" and it turns into some kind of a dating game which only breeds anxiety. I want to be able to call someone I date and not think twice about it. I want them to be able to do the same. If either of us too anxious to make contact or count arbitrary amount of days so as not to seem keen... well, that's not a good sign for me.
I think we are supposed to be keen. What's the point otherwise? If me being keen is seen as a reason to break up with me, we are probably not a good long-term match.

I'd personally call myself at this point... what do you really have to lose?

Maybe not much help but I think it doesn’t matter what any of us say, you need to do what feels authentic for you.

All of us here will have our own take based on our own experiences. Listen to your gut and follow what that’s telling you.

Decide if you’d rather know one way or either even if it’s not what you want to hear or to close the door yourself and letting it go. Only you know what’s right for you

I do believe this, but you need to do whatever feels right for you here.

He probably DOES really like you and he ALSO may not do anything about it.

OLD is full of people not really in a place to date properly.

For example Mr Ivories who suggested we see a band together then changed his mind as "if it got serious an hour's drive away would be too much".

Pathetique.

UPDATE: So... my brother popped over for a glass of wine tonight and I ended up crying on him - this is not normal for us at all - about Mr Soughdough, and he had this to say: "I am a man and what I know is that NOTHING stops a man who wants to ask a woman out, NOTHING. This man is an idiot." I was giving all the excuses for him, and he said, "No. You asked him out, and replied to his boring message (I showed him the cycling message) that did not even mention the date or ask you about your weekend. The man is an idiot." I continued to make excuses and on his notes he wrote this on his phone (I am in tears even thinking about this) "Hi, I had a had such a great time with you on Friday, want to do it again?" Then he said, "This is the only message he had to send on Sunday and he f*cked it up. The man is an idiot. Do not go out with him again." So there it is. Mr Soughdough is an idiot, and I am not messaging him, or going out with him again. I'm in my fifties and still need my big brother, sad but true but also he's right, that message on Sunday was bullshit. Next!

I feel like you want to message. So do it. I just worry it is just encouraging him to leave you dangling like this.

If he enjoyed the date so much he'd want another and ask you? Sorry to be blunt x