DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

No sex yet, and he hasn't pushed for it.

I don't want to message him, as everyone on here agrees it is definitely in his court now.

I've got friends telling me that no-one gives closure now, they all just wander off after 4 dates unless exclusivity was discussed, so maybe I am overreacting, but I like to know where I stand, it helps me feel calm.

I have been ghosted by men and was not surprised at all, but he is 60, intelligent, sensitive, respectful, kind and seems measured. I am shocked by this one, and not much shocks me.

I have this saved on my phone background. I get it’s a bit “heavy” when we are talking about 4 dates. But I’ve been in situations with men where I don’t feel emotionally safe, and have spent so much time wondering how they feel about me rather than wondering how I feel in the situation.

I think our intuition knows very quickly if something isn’t feeling right for us x

Sorry but I think they’re talking crap or have their bar set very very low.

Decent adults communicate if they’re not feeling it after 1 date let alone 4.

Well I would for sure, if I have ever had even one in person date I send a message that says it's been lovely but not quite a match, etc. Unless things have changed recently, I feel like that man should be sending a message.

That's really lovely. I oddly enough did feel very safe physically and emotionally around this man, but not today. Today I feel confused. What if he's not sure and is waiting to see if I am? It's a minefield.

I felt when he didn't walk you to you're car,bus etc after the last date was very telling it spoke volumes and now we see it again.

But look it's nothing to do with you, know you're worth you definitely deserve better. Who wants a man that ghosts anyway.

Oh btw I forgot to say I've been ghosted like this and I never again spoke to him. He texted me 3 weeks later and I just ignored it as I had enough of it. It felt so good.

Three weeks later?!! Hell no, I want to bin this one off and it's been six days since the date.

This is what I have always done and I presumed everyone did. I would be really surprised not to get the "thanks but no thanks" text, so where the hell is it?!!

I wondered if that was a factor, he was not offered it.

In any case you absolutely did the right thing not shagging him 😁

@rubberduck68 It’s respectful to bring some closure, ghosting is incredibly cruel.

I sent a polite message to Mr Engineer to say that it was good to meet him but I wasn’t feeling a spark or connection and wished him well. He replied to say that was disappointing but understood and wished me luck with something Ive got on next week. Both polite but a clear ending and no confusion. That’s how adults should behave.

If he’s not doing that he’s either not interested and just rude or keeping you as an option for a few weeks time to pop up again. Don’t let him come back with a pathetic excuse.

That is very nice and respectful between you and Mr Engineer, it's how it should be done. I've now got friends wading in saying that because he's always been a slow burn he's probably just working out his next move. I am not sure about that. Do men ever take a week to book something in again? I don't know because I've only ever been love bombed so I don't really know (except my marriage a hundred years ago) what slow and respectful looks like versus not interested looks like?

Oh, I had not considered that! Well, he wasn't offered it and it's unlikely he will be getting it now!

No @rubberduck68 Men who are interested don’t wait a week to contact you. If they’re into you, you know. It doesn’t have to be love bombing. Just consistency.

@rubberduck68No disrespect to your friends as I’m sure they’re well meaning and want to give you a bit of hope at the moment.

But it’s attitudes like this that are why there are threads and threads on here filled with unhappy women in marriages and relationships with men who make no effort.

Figuring out his next move, or what to say on a text might take hours but not days. We need to stop making excuses for men and start believing what they are showing us. Because so often there are signs early on, the things that start off as niggles and years down the line irritate the hell out of you.

This guy is either so passive and unbothered about creating something special with you, that he’ll just leave you hanging, or he’s a coward who can’t be honest, or he’s a game player who will pop back up. There are some women who will settle for this, but you should love yourself more.

None of these types are the type of man you want to build a lasting relationship with xx

Absolutely every word of this 👏👏👏

I do think you are right, I guess sometimes on MN and other places we see women who had men who were really crap at communicating who are now happily married, but conversely as you say, also women who are married to rubbish communicators and now miserable. I am just blown away by the support on here, it's stopped me texting a man who clearly does not want to feel connected to me right now.

Still following! @rubberduck68 im sorry things turned out that way. I wonder if he also thought it wasn't going anywhere so cut his losses. Again I reiterate that if a man wants someone, they do try and take them off the market and make sure there's no confusion there.

Im still in the same situation as before, no drive to meet someone yet flick through the apps from time to time. Excluding men, my life is coming together well with work/home/kids. But I just cant get excited about anyone the way I did about my ex (and even he was a peter pan type who would never grow up). Im trying to work out what attracts me, and it tends to be quirky sorts (because my life is just so unquirky). I tend to like quirky men in great shape who wear cool trainers! The irony as im not quirky, wear ok trainers, and am not in shape!

Im also going to sound horrible but as ive dated quite a few ND men, im trying to avoid them but all the interesting profiles seem to be ND. I think more ND men use online dating. A friend says maybe its more they are attracted to me rather than me choosing them. But ive been hurt before and I want to avoid that route.

Yeah! Working out his next move through some other options maybe! If he wanted you, and there was only you, what is taking him so long?

Men show up for what they want. Someone else said it here, the early days should be their A game, the first few months or whatever you should feel desired, persued, wanted....
Obviously effort can drop as you head longer into a relationship (not that it should mind) but the bare bottom line here is he isnt even chatting to you to see how you are, hes not even communicating with you like a friend would. Why would anyone settle for that?

When i started out on the dating lark after my big break up the biggest boundary I had was "do they add value to my life?" I asked this to myself at every dating stage, chatting - 1st date - communication - 2nd date etc
If the answer was a no. I binned them off.
Savage. But why on earth would anyone lower themselves to be with someome who does not make them feel good?

My boundary meant that I chose someone who chooses me every day and always adds value to my life....even 15 months in....there has been no drop in affection/effort/no personality change, nothing.

Its out there ladies. Dont choose someone who doesnt choose you. Choose yourself instead ❤️

@Eesha sounds like you are very self aware so that's half the battle I think. Hear you on ND people, while one child has autism and I hope they will find love one day it does come with challenges (my dear late husband a prime example).

On the irons front I have Mr Boulder (not super excited but he is holding the chat) and Mr Ivories (very sweet, not my physical type but who knows). Also Mr Metal who I know from the wild and is autistic and destined to be no more than a friend I suspect.

@Nosdacariad thank you - too self aware id say! I absolutely adored my autistic ex and would never have split however his set views on children (he had none) made my position untenable as felt like it was either him or them. I think now that he had his set ways and everything had to fit neatly into that. Despite him being autistic, on the whole we were incredibly happy as a couple. Im very nurturing, and did all the research on NT/ND relationships, much more than any previous partner of his, and we just fit well. I guess im saying have faith that your son will find someone who loves him (the way i loved my ex!)

He’s shown that he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to communicate honestly. That’s on him, not you.

You deserve someone who can be kind, open, and upfront — and if he can’t do that, he’s not your person.

See it as space being cleared for someone who is right for you.🥰