DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Normally, yes. Although Mr Nomad didn’t have one. In real life, he hates putting himself in the spotlight.

No, because if I looked into it too deeply I’d barely swipe right on anyone. It’s a numbers game, so if I like the look of them I’ll swipe right then worry about it later!

Thinking about it I swiped right on Mr IT despite the lack of bio as I thought his profile looked endearingly amateur so thought maybe he didn’t know it was the done thing to add one. His photos were pretty rubbish and in fact I was pleasantly surprised when I met him that he was more attractive than I was expecting.

He had been in a long marriage that predated online dating so I think he was genuinely a bit of a newbie but a shame he quickly adapted to the love bombing, future faking and ghosting aspects of online dating!

@Polly1979love this! I do think sometimes you’re just drawn to somebody and I love that.

however, I realise I do not fancy anyone! Even the hot guys seem to give me the ick haha! I am judging the sofas in the background, the names (so many different names - my fave I ever came across was Merlin), the toilet selfies!! I know lots of really decent men that found love online, but when I go to look I can’t see them haha!

anyone else care to share what gives them the ick?

Gym selfies
”No drama”
Anything negative in their bio

Yes I agree with this. Seems odd that he would bother!

Yeah, weirdly I messaged him last night and he replied almost immediately.
He’s very present and engaged when we are together, definitely not on his phone messaging other people, so I do wonder if this is just how he is when he has company.

@BoxOfCatsi rate the gym selfies from moderate to extreme haha! And yes, the bloody list of demands in the bio is too much
‘not here for time wasters etc’ ‘if you don’t reply with a few hours you’ll be deleted’ EXTREME

@BoxOfCatssorry new to the party! But he sounds promising and nice? How many dates is this?

I don't judge the names as I use a fake name myself!

Things that put me off, the blank ones/'I will fill this in later'/'You will have to meet me & find out'. On the site that I used to be on i'd see that 'later' just never came, & they (for whatever reason!) just never bothered to fill them in, so that's made me extremely doubtful whenever I read it.

Also when they won't put photos on. One yesterday, a Black square, a Red square, a table! & A side view, far away, of his face.

The negative ones & also when they write things like 'Apparently height matters to you lot'/'Apparently you lot care if we are working'.

I've never really had to query multi dating as the man has asked first. But ive always said to them that its not for me plus that im cautious of catching anything. Not every man wants to multi date either, just be upfront.

I also use a fake name as mine is very distinctive.

@PinkNeonSign Yes, i tend to overthink then I realise I haven't swiped on anyone!

I keep thinking online dating isnt for me anymore, I seem to have lost my mojo after my previous relationship ended a year ago. Its like I'm really trying to get excited by someone but im just too tired to bother. However I know if I dont, ill never even have a chance of meeting anyone. Life is spent working or on school runs. Lots of friends. That said, ive been a great partner in the past. But everyone online seems to be doing soooo much, like sky diving, climbing etc. Is that the norm? The men i know, just work loads, or have the occasional holiday!

Eesha This is the problem that I'm having online, too. All of the men say that they are so active, if they aren't climbing a mountain/Biking up a mountain each weekend, then they are off on 'adventure holidays' & I'm left thinking 'I don't live a sedentary life at all, but I have nothing to say to these men!'

Well that's probably 80% of them. The other 20% are 'I just watch box sets in my room. Don't do anything else. Live with my mum as it's free' (in their 40's)

I want somebody in between those 2 extremes!

Agree - feel exhausted just reading some of these profiles.

Avoid anyone who’s an old school gentleman or went to the university of life.

Topless selfies trying to look seductive (and failing).

Shitty looking / messy house or flowery curtains etc so looks like they live with mummy.

Photos of them with a woman who could be a wife or girlfriend with no explanation. Could be a sister / friend but unless there is a very strong familial resemblance how can you tell? Why do men think we want to see them with another woman?

Kids in their photos.

Negativity / shopping lists of what they want (invariably physical attributes).

Sunglasses/ hats in every photo.

‘Just ask’.

I’m sure there are loads more. This rules out a lot of profiles!

So many reasons to swipe left - all of the pp and I don’t bother with:
honest/genuine/trustworthy (why do you need to put this?)
age is a number and I look younger (you don’t) - behave younger (probably but like a toddler)
Separated (last week and my wife may not realise it yet)
No drama (don’t ask me where I sneak off to/why I’m chatting up other women/taking drugs)
No baggage (your previous decades on earth are irrelevant to me and I have no interest in you as an actual person)
Treats a lady properly (wants you in the kitchen and/or hanging on to your every amazing word as you opened the pub door for her)
So many, many more - tbh some of my ‘no’ criteria gets missed at times if they message, but you can be sure it was right to be on my ‘never’ list!

A guy messaged me a bit back, a fairly unattractive photo by any measure but the bio was ‘coffee drinking, chain smoking, telegraph reader, who can’t abide woke and wants to take back Britain’ - I had to ask if it was real or satire. He said ‘real, why?’ And I said it really wasn’t for me - though I do like coffee!
I was baffled at the profile - mainly as the overlap of those liking the Telegraph and chain smokers and coffee drinkers are going to be in small numbers plus the pic wasn’t going to let you overlook the preferences.
However, as I still can see his message, in my very small inbox, I noticed his picture has improved considerably- being nosey I looked but profile had not.
I am assuming it’s some fake for reasons known only to themselves - but maybe there is a Jill for his Jack. To be transparent I actually have no cause to judge after my less than significant attraction to others appeal on there lol.

MsJinks I also have some 'No's' in my head that aren't set in stone, & if he seems nice in every other way then I'll give him a chance.

Also I'm not bothered about looks. I look for nice eyes or 'something' that attracts me & that's enough for me. I've been fortunate that I've never had a date look 'worse' than their photos but I've had several that look much better.

Looks don’t bother me necessarily- there has to be something though that could be attractive - and I’ve found it in the most unusual of places before!

I too generally find folk better in person than a flat photo and can be attracted (or not) from there - but I have had a date where they must have put on at least 6 six stone since their photo and I genuinely didn’t recognise him. There were many, many other things wrong that date, but it is now a funny story all round.

I have noticed I don’t find too much overweight attractive, but my age range means it’s more likely with the alternative being pretty small/skinny and making me feel like an Oompa Loompa ha!

However, I recently realised I’ve never had more than one date with anyone more than very slightly overweight - in my 6 decades - maybe it’s too imprinted now.

PS I have no personal need or right to criticise anyone’s appearance- but in my head there’s an attractive or not chronometer still.

Welcome!

Ah so the back story with Mr Charismatic is that we matched on OLD mid last year. Went on 4 dates, all seemed to be going really well then he had a very stressful life event happen. After that he was messaging only every couple of days, was difficult to pin down for further meetings ups. Eventually after not seeing him for 3 weeks I asked what was going on and he apologised and said he wasn’t in the right headspace for dating. I suggested we stay friends and keep in touch.

He did get back in touch in October but by that time I was seeing someone else casually. We were messaging off and on between then and December, then he made it clear over Xmas he was interested in seeing me again, but by that time he was on a trip abroad for 2 months 😩

So we finally reconnected in person when he returned at the start of Feb, and have seen each other maybe half a dozen times since. He does seem in a better headspace and is communicating/ wanting to meet more consistently, but has also said when I asked about a month ago that he is just tentatively getting back into dating.

I probably have been way too patient with him, but he is genuinely great in all other respects. It probably doesn’t help that the sex is incredible and he has a cracking set of abs 😆

I am still dating other people so keeping my options open but hoping (probably in vain) that he will step up at some point…

@NervesOfCotton honestly I cant think of any man i know doing this. The only ones might ski once each year with friends but certainly not more than this.

My left swipes are definitely:

Separated
im 58 not 49, made a mistake
Ethically non monogamous
Ask
No drama
Anything overly sexual
Blank profiles
Anything with them holding a beer
Tongues out

Also neurodiversity has been a swipe left as ive dated a few men who have had varying degrees of this and ive always been the one hurt. However im thinking maybe I shouldn't tar anyone by the same brush?

Eesha Yes I expect that some heavily exaggerate things, but then I don't want to talk to somebody who isn't being truthful on their profile so...

I also hate the ones who say their age is wrong, although I don't notice them on Hinge like I did on Bumble.

Pictures of a torso with no head. I'm sure your wife can still recognise your body, mate.
Three pictures of a car but not a single one of a face. I'm sure your wife can recognise your car, mate.
Only group photos. You are the ugly one, aren't you?
Pictures of hugging other women with no explanation whatsoever.

Gym selfies I am actually fine with. I am a gym person myself so it helps to know we have things in common.

I recently matched someone just out of curiosity because he complained about women matching and never replying to messages. Surprise surprise, I've never heard from him.

To be honest, I am autistic and I am not dating ND men either. It's hard enough to keep my own life in order without having to adjust for someone else's.
Mind you, I am not advertising my diagnosis in my dating profile either. Some men I were in a long term relationship with never knew and just thought I had a weird thing about levels of lighting and noise and get a bit emotional about changing plans.

@Catza I matched with someone moaning about no-one ever talking on apps and the negativity continued. Pointed out he was an inch shorter than me ‘as he knows height is important to a lot of women’, as if I was incapable of seeing it on his profile. Also went on about how low his expectations were going on dates and with OLD in general - and then ghosted!

Anyone with a urinal in the background is some sort of serial killer.

Im having a brief foray back to see if the apps improved - it’s not looking good for far.

First batch sends me a ‘hi twisted you up to much today’ message. Bland but ok it’s a start.

I was out so didn’t see it till a lot later so replied sorry only just seen this message, gave a brief overview of my day and asked if he’d been up to much.

Next morning I get a reply - the identical message to he sent me previously word for word. No updates, no mention of his day just ‘hi twisted you up to much today’

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