DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Kaltenzahn thanks me too, I think I’d just automatically treat anyone I meet for coffee as more of a “friend” situation so would find it hard to really establish if I like them.

Update - I've been dumped.
He "wasn't ready for a relationship" then "doesn't do casual because he's more of a relationship person"....then "not mature enough" and "needs to work on myself". I am really upset. But I can see that it's for the best. He was 14 years younger, extremely immature and caused me more anxiety than happiness. Still stings, though!

Of course it stings but that will pass and then you can return to enjoying your life without that nibbling anxiety about whether he will message or not. You deserve to make space for someone or something better.

Sorry @Jokethecoalwoman it stings but you’ll move on to better things.

I’m not sure if we’re going for the slow fade with Mr Scenester, he’s not messaged for a couple of days and we’ve no plans to meet. Scheduling is difficult and I did say I’d send my availability which I haven’t so that might not be helping. Don’t want to double text, will leave it til tomorrow and let him know when I’m free as we’re up to about date eight and I don’t want to just disappear but man it’s hard isn’t it.

Really sorry to hear this, Jokethecolewoman. Don't give yourself a hard time about being upset. It's normal.

Sending love. It makes sense that it stings. Sounds like a wombat.

Date eight @PinkNeonSign wow! I can't get beyond 2.

Hmm @Nosdacariad it’s hard when you don’t click with someone and hard when you do! One of these will be our last first date won’t it and we’ll wonder what we ever worried about ❤️

Scenester is lovely, I thought things were getting better and my guard was starting to come down, but while I’m not ruling out a future with him, I think tonight is a reminder to myself not to get carried away.

Could be that or could be that you still have some rough bits from your previous experiences that catch against the new person. There is no way of telling and my immediate reaction to these things is to turn my science brain on, step way back and wait for more data.
First days after sex are always a bit tender for both parties. I'd wait and see if he comes through but not get too invested just yet.

What do people think about a phone call before a first date?

It feels businesslike and it’s given me the ick a bit.

I think it's a good idea. Imagine he sounds like Lurch or Charles Hawtree...better not to waste your time.

Or he is boring as hell and monologues...

It’s not for me . But I don’t like phone calls of any kind

Absolute necessity!
You'd be amazed how well a completely unhinged person can present themselves in text messages. It's not really business like. It can be a very nice chat which is no different to talking to them for the first time on a date. Plus you will very quickly know if a guy can hold conversation or if they have an abhorrent accent you can't live with.
I had to pull a plug on quite a few blokes after the initial phone chat. The most spectacular one was a guy with cockney accent who appeared intoxicated while talking to me despite scheduling the call himself. It transpired that he had half a bottle of wine and two joints which was his preferred method of evening relaxation. Half way through a short call he went silent mid sentence and kept me on hold for a full minute before reappearing to say "sorry daaahling, I had an issue with a washing machine" before asking me if I will join him in a hotel after our first date.
Take a call @Cambridgedropout 😉

Not for me. I’d rather go straight to a meet up personally but I’m not a lover of talking on the phone anyway

The one time I had a really good phone chat beforehand turned out to be my worst ever date from hell

I find it a bit cringe and don’t do it.

Admittedly it’s due to my own insecurities- I just hate the thought of conversing with a complete stranger on the phone and not a fan of phone calls in general. I would prefer a quick real life meeting.

Ditto. I’d rather talk face to face with a stranger than on the phone.

Plus I’ve had a couple of negative experiences - including the bloke who started wanking on the phone during a non sexual chat 😫

I think video calls are useful if not sure, would have saved a ton of wasted dates had i done this in the past. A good friend of mine refuses them because she doesnt feel it does her justice and wants people to be wowed when they see her first time. Id only meet someone now without a call if i really had a good feeling about them.

@Cambridgedropout I personally don't like phone calls before a date. I don't get much out of it and I find it uncomfortable. For me it's like all the awkward parts of a first date without the excitement, or the connection you get meeting in person.

It's good for getting a better idea of someone without having to put makeup on or leave the house but for me that's all part of the fun! I love getting dressed up and going to a nice bar, even if the actual date doesn't go anywhere.

I guess it's a bit trickier for someone with limited child free time and it might make sense to have a phone call before you waste a rare free evening on someone who can't hold a conversation. And it's great for weeding out an irritating voice!

I love reading this thread and seeing how different all our preferences are.

I’m with your friend. Never done a video call in my life. I don’t even like on camera teams calls at work.

I always say no if I’m asked - if that’s a dealbreaker for the other party then so be it.

I’m the same I love getting scrubbed up and going out so I’d rather go straight for a date rather than an awkward phone call.

I think face-time's are the way forward... I find it less embarrassing/stressful than meeting blind!

I hate texting and open with that on first dates ha ha so they know, don't be blowing up my phone. I am dating a man who rarely texts but because he knows I don't like it he phones me a up (drops a quick, would you like a call? text first) outside of arrangements we don't text, which lessons expectations. Too much texting (for me) creates a false sense of intimacy and as I've been love bombed by toxic men in the past, I won't do it now. I know it works and has worked for others, but I'd look at what he does and says when he is with you. So many men are using chat GTP to shape conversations now, then you turn up on a date and they can't construct a sentence. Saying you are gorgeous by text is easy, can he say it when he's opposite you? You want a man who can bring that stuff in real life too?

I am so sorry this has happened to you, but look at your quote marks there, this man is just not in a straight line emotionally (or a player) and you need something stronger and better than this. It will sting, and give yourself a window to soothe that, then get back in the saddle, he is not ALL men!

I've only done it if they are not local, if it's a coffee shop up the road I just get my coffee to go and leave if they are lunatics, or stay for one coffee and politely get out of there if they are dull. I've become skilled at organising it so I meet a friend afterwards or have something else lined up so it's not a waste of time. But if I'm having to get a train anywhere for a man (seldom have, but did it before to meet halfway) , we are phone chatting first!