DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I like them as an easy one to either escape from or prolong.

Theres a fabulous place near me that’s a cafe bar during the day then a restaurant and music venue at night. So as much as possible I steer dates towards there so we can have a coffee then a thanks but no thanks or if it’s going well, order a wine and take it into the evening.

I prefer coffee shop dates - just to see if you get on - and without any beer goggles! I think several hours in someone’s company straight off can be hard.
I intended a coffee meet with my one date but obviously didn’t communicate it too well - ended up in the evening and then food - it was still ok but probably gave the guy higher hopes than were justified - also such a mess about having to get proper ready - for me 🤷🏼‍♀️ - I’m probably too old and impatient for this caper 🙈🤣

But when you used to meet in the wild then the first sort of contact, pre date, was like a meet 0 - quick drink at the bar, chat in corridor at work etc - and then you know whether a full date might have legs.

Hey all

I'm thinking about dating again and was just wondering - does anyone else worry that all the "good ones" are taken? And that online dating is just a sometimes painful waste of time?

I'm also pretty much an introvert and just don't find it easy to relax around people I don't know. And I rarely go on a date and actually fancy them! Especially not since giving up drinking 😁

I do want to meet someone though! At the moment I'm telling myself I'm too overweight to go on any apps, but I think it's just a form of procrastination

Any thoughts, anyone?

No such thing as too overweight to date.

I worry all the good ones are gone too.

I have not had a problem with their looks but their characters on the other hand...

ToDateOrNotToDateTITQ Please try not to worry about your weight. I'm bigger, myself, & I've had dates from OLD. This is grim, I know, but I used to be on one of the sites where anybody could message anybody & I received tonnes of messages calling me a BBW & similar.

100% they are a great first date. Quick if needed, and not expensive, can also be done in the day. I prefer a day date for first date. If it goes well, world's ur oyster for second!

If your not feeling it, I dont think its because your date was in a coffee shop

Exactly the same. It’s even in my hinge profile that I do not want to walk their dogs for a first date! I don’t get asked a lot 😂

My last first date was a dog (mine) walk and we’ve been together almost a year. I had wondered how I managed to meet someone relatively easily so Thankyou to everyone swiping left 😂😂

We went on a hilly 8 mile walk recently so neither of us was lying about walking and a pub stop being a perfect first date!

I just saw a profile that had a choice of 3 first dates: Walk, Coffee or Holding hands. 🤮

Still nothing from Mr Blue so he’s binned. I should have known better as there was a bit of negatively in his messages about dating, but he did have lovely blue eyes.

That just leaves Mr Tall, who I’m not sure about. As well as the dubious housing / separation situation has mentioned a few different jobs and swerved a question about what area he lives in.

Absolutely zero worries that all the good ones are taken. There are plenty of them out there. But you can only find them if you approach dating with a bit of sense of humour and curiousity. When I feel like it's becoming a frustrating chore, I take couple of months off from the apps. Mindset is everything.

And what's a good one anyway? One man's trash is another man's treasure. Some people click, some don't. Some people are looking for the same thing as you and some won't. It doesn't mean they are bad people just that you are incompatible.

@ToDateOrNotToDateTITQ I think a lot of it is luck plus confidence in yourself be it big or small. My friends are of varying sizes, yet still have no luck on apps! So I wouldn't focus on size and picking yourself apart.

And I agree with a previous poster who said someone else's left picks might be your right one

I like a coffee date. Short and sweet. Just enough time to work out if I want to see them again. Also an easy investment of time and money - dinner and/or drinks can get expensive, and I don’t lose an entire evening.

Can I join? Not long out of a shortish relationship and now back in the game.

I had a coffee date the other day with, let’s call him Mr T. Lovely guy, a ‘good egg’ sort of chap. Not much chemistry on my side tbh but he messaged afterwards to say I was gorgeous and he didn’t know how to say it…

Anyway, I’m trying a whole new approach these days: not chasing chemistry and giving it a bit more time to develop even if I don’t instantly fancy them. We will see.

We’ve arranged to do an activity together next week. The only thing is Mr T doesnt text much in between dates. If he hadn’t been keen to meet again and said I was gorgeous I’d think he wasn’t interested.

Is this normal? Maybe just not a texter?

@rubberduck68 bloody Mr Sourdough! I could forgive gaps in texting because I'm not much of a texter myself but flaking out when you'd planned to talk on Sunday is a big no in my books. Very disappointing.

@Betsy95 I'm 5050 on coffee dates. Logically I think they're good for a first date - low commitment, no pressure, no alcohol impairing your judgement. But in reality I find them quite boring!

@ToDateOrNotToDateTITQ I don't think that all the good ones are gone, but I do think most of them are a bit crap! You've got to do some serious searching to find a good guy among all the ghosters, married men and future fakers. Apps are dire! Sorry that's probably not particularly uplifting! What age range are you looking at?

As for being too overweight to date, I think if you're nervous about dating you will always be able to find a reason why now isn't the best time. If you're happy and confident in yourself you're going to be an absolute catch for some lucky guy regardless of your weight. If your body image is impacting your self worth that's a slightly different story - what you don't want is to settle for something less than great or ignore red flags because you're not feeling great about your body and think you don't deserve something amazing. Remember your worth.

Welcome @Cambridgedropout 🙂

One of the things I heard recently is that "chemistry" is basically our nervous system reacting to a familiar pattern. I certainly got a full whack of that with Mr. Sailor who looked incredible on paper. It wasn't until he bolted with "I am not emotionally available" bullshit that I realised how true the familiarity pull is. Your nervous system recognises it before your brain does.
When I started dating Mr. Poet, I felt nothing except that he was a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him. And I did think about pulling out quite a few times until we had sex. And then the dopamine and oxytocin kicked in and we were off 😜I literally see him transform in front my very eyes into someone I quite fancy. Brain is an amazing thing!!

Trying to say (in a very long-winded way) that I fully support your approach! Chemistry is overrated and is, arguably, a red flag in itself.

ETA: if you want more texting frequency, talk to him about it next time you see him. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

This is exactly the conclusion I’ve come to. It’s weird though - planning a second date with someone you don’t fancy at all. He was nice though, so I guess I just need to give it a chance.

Meanwhile, a guy who I dumped for not being emotionally available enough but who’s been pursuing me for a year (let’s call him Mr Persistent) is back in touch again and promises me he’s ’done the work’ and wants me to give him a second chance…

To be fair, he has consistently contacted me apologising and saying he misses me ever since.

Am I repeating familiar patterns though?!

I have someone who's been doing it for six years. No "work" has been done. Empty promises and another round on the merry-go-round. Last time we actually agreed that I will stay at his cottage for two weeks. Three days in he told me I can't drink his expensive coffee, five days in he said he needs me to take in some deliveries during working hours (I WFH), on day six he was in the mood because I haven't walked his dog and on day 7 he said "we need to talk" and asked me to go. Three days after I left he called apologising, saying it's all been too much for him having me over but he realised an error of his ways and wants us to move together for six months to "give it a proper go". I blocked him.

I'm adding this to the rules...

If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. My reason for saying this - it's been said by the hive mind - if this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do we want what comes next?!

I think a second chance is reasonable 😁

I have to disagree about the chemistry thing.
My DP is nothing like my two previous exs (both long term relationships, and they are not alike either tbh)
I had chemistry with all, but the chemistry was crazy with my current DP ( still is tbh) so i dont really but into that theory sorry.

I do find it extremely interesting how chemistry works. Mad how you can go on a date or two, spend some time with someone and just feel flat or nothing. Yet someone else its all sparks and excitement and desire.

The ONLY thing different this time around for me is that in terms of chemistry it hasn't faded at all, in fact both of us agree the longer the relationship goes, the deeper the chemisty between us. Never ever had that before.

I also dont have a "type" either, personality or looks.

Oh, he hasn’t behaved as badly as that! I would never give another chance if so.

He didn’t behave badly at all in fact - he’s just been badly betrayed in the past and has trauma wounds from it so struggles to open up. And part of attraction for me is for someone to let me in to their inner world and be able to be vulnerable.

The trouble is, so many of these men seem to be the same - hurt by someone and naturally wary. And I seem to attract them!

Ha - I had just that. Long lasting chemistry that deepened and deepened… until we got so close that his avoidant tendencies came out and he finished it. Purely due to fear.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Also to add, if you want/need more convo/messaging/phonecalls/gifs/memes/videos etc whatever when you aren't together, thats ok. We are all different.
If the person you are dating cant consciously or unconsciously give you what you need, then they aren't meant to be yours

Not sure how you get "too close" 🤔
What i mean is, dont blame yourself. If hes an avoidant it would have come out one way or another. We're there no signs before you got so close?

Clearly he wasnt your person, chalk him up to experience and move on - onwards and upwards 💪😊

Waiting on a @rubberduck68 update....hope you're ok chick 😘 and that doughs not gone off again 🙏